Adam Avitable, millionaire

If I Won $500 Million in the Powerball Lottery

So, the Powerball is currently at $500 Million, and people nationwide are buying tickets, hoping to be that one exception to the statistics that say that your chances of winning are about as likely as my chance to get to make Ke$ha the next Mrs. Avitable.

I don’t know if I’ll be buying a ticket or not, but I do know this: I can spend imaginary money better than any of you. What would I do with $500 Million?

  • Develop an app that won’t let anyone continue to text until they demonstrate the ability to distinguish “your” from “you’re” and show that they understand that “ur” is not a real word.
  • Create my own brand of Tyler Perry-type movies centering around Avitable, the sass-talking dog who is trying to make his way and learn endearing lessons in a world full of humans.
  • Wear a tophat and monocle all the time, even to bed, just because I can.
  • Hire that Gangnam Style Dance guy to follow me and dance wherever I go.
  • Blow $10,000 playing online bingo just because I can, and then send pictures of the money I just wasted to relatives who ask me for money.
  • Rent a giant stadium and put on a comedy show starring Dane Cook, Jeff Foxworthy, Jeff Dunham, Carlos Mencia, and Larry the Cable Guy. Fly all of their fans out to see the show for free. Then, seal the stadium and blow it up.
  • Find one of those neighborhoods of McMansions that are all unsold or in foreclosure, buy them all, put a giant wall around the entire neighborhood, burn the houses down, and turn it into a park and playground for underprivileged kids.
  • Learn to sing and dance. If that fails, pay Bruno Mars to get plastic surgery to look like me.
  • Pay for the author of Fifty Shades of Grey to take classes in English composition and beginning writing techniques.
  • Offer a million dollars to the first person who can offer incontrovertible proof that Donald Trump wears a hairpiece. Double that amount to the first person to provide photographic evidence of what he looks like without it.
  • Bring back Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly.
  • Buy a lifetime supply of Oreo cookies just in case Nabisco goes out of business too.
  • Party like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.
  • Give Robin Williams a bunch of blow and see if he’s funny again.
  • Put the rest of the money under my mattress.  Try not to hit my head on the ceiling when I get into bed.
Adam Avitable, millionaire

What would you do if you won the lottery?

16 thoughts on “If I Won $500 Million in the Powerball Lottery”

  1. House, car, security team, investments, in that order.

    Oh, and a shopping trip w/an actual fashionstylist because apparently you’re not supposed to wear fishnets, Skinz booty shorts, & ripped up tank tops to the PTA meeting even if it was right after derby practice! Who knew?

  2. I think we should raise the money for your texting app. That way, even if the lottery fails you, we no longer have to suffer. Best one for me though, is the bingo idea. I’m pretty sure I would cease contact with 85% of relatives for that reason.

  3. I would travel, for sure. My Mom is fighting for her life right now (two forms of breast cancer, concurrently…because life is a mother fucker like that), and I want her to see the world. And then we’d get a boob job together. I’m gracious with my money like that. 🙂

  4. I’d stop trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, then I’d buy myself everything I want, including a new car. After that I’d probably travel all over the world visiting my internet friends.

  5. Have I mentioned lately that I love you? If I win I’d share oreos with you, will you share them with me? Your writing is always inspiring, but lately it has been even more so. Thank you for that.

  6. Hello lovie. I believe that you may wear a top hat and monocle without having to win the lottery first.

    I look forward to seeing a photo of you doing just that.

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