So, I’m 36 today. And the 36-year old Adam Heath Avitable that I am today is not the 36-year old I thought I would be when I was in my twenties or even early thirties. A lot has changed in the past few years. Divorce, depression, success, failure, happiness, clarity, and direction. My entire life philosophy shifted from one of manipulation to one of transparency. I’ve tried to stop collecting mementos of life and start enjoying life itself. I’ve redefined myself as someone who wants to write, not someone who just wants to make as much money as he possibly can. As someone who wants a family. As someone who wants to live to the fullest.
And what better way to celebrate my 36 years of existence than a look back at the minutiae, the data, and the numbers that have made up my life thus far? Of course, as this is the blog of Adam Heath Avitable, I will continue my goal of being shameless and fearless in the face of honesty by leaving no stone unturned.
BASIC:
Birth date: January 26, 1977
Birth location: Weymouth, Massachusetts
Age of earliest memory: 2
Age I started reading: 2
Siblings: 2
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 300
Heaviest weight: 460
Goal weight: 250
Shirt size: XXL
Waist size: 48-50
Shoe size: 12W
States I’ve lived in: 5
Years in Massachusetts: 3
Years in Virginia: 4
Years in Missouri: 3
Years in California: 3
Years in Florida: 23
Years that it’s felt like I’ve lived in Florida: 100
EDUCATION:
Schools attended: 4
Degrees received: 2
Undergraduate degree: Bachelor of Arts in East Asian Studies, Washington and Lee University
Graduate degree: Juris Doctorate, Washington University School of Law
Worst high school grade received: B, History
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Psychology
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Labor Law
Highest GPA: 4.9/4.0
Lowest GPA: 2.6/4.0
TRAVEL:
Cars owned: 3
Age when I got my first ticket: 17
Speeding/traffic tickets received: ~30
Accidents: 0
Flat tires: 1
Most expensive ticket: $288
Highest speed (caught): 88
Highest speed (not caught): 115
Money spent on tickets: ~$10,000
Money spent on lawyers to fight tickets: ~$4,000
People following me home because of my driving: 3
Times cops have come to my door: 2
States visited: 35
Countries visited: 3
Non American countries visited: 0
Most miles traveled one-way: 2,896 miles
Cruises taken: 2
BLOGGING/COMEDY:
Blog posts written: 2518
Years blogging in any form: 14
Books I’ve written: 1
Times I’ve been published in print: 5
Books I want to write: 3
Age when I first performed stand up comedy: 16
Age when I next performed stand up comedy: 34
Years performing stand up: 2
Longest set performed: 30 minutes
Biggest audience: ~300
Number of people who walked out: 0 (so far)
SEX, LOVE, AND DATING:
Age that I
Had my first real girlfriend: 13
French kissed a girl: 13
Touched my first naked breast: 14
Got to third base: 16
Lost my virginity: 21
Longest relationship: 12 years
Shortest relationship: 3 days
Times I’ve been in love: 4
Times that’s worked out: 0
Sexual partners: 16
Who were redheads: 5
Blondes: 6
Brunettes: 5
Caucasian: 15
American: 14
Bloggers: 5
Older: 7
Younger: 9
Midgets: 0
Almost midgets: 2
Married or separated: 7
Have kids: 10
Within one week: 3
Within one day: 1
Oldest partner: 40
Youngest partner: 23
Most times I’ve had sex in one day: 5
Most times I’ve had sex in one day with someone other than myself: 3
STDs: 0
Number of threesomes attempted: 1
Number of threesomes successfully achieved: 0
Times I’ve paid for sex: 0
Times I almost had sex with a prostitute for free: 1
Blowjobs received: oodles
Blowjobs given: 1
Blowjobs given not to myself when I was 13: 0
Number of sex toys owned: 8
Furthest distance driven to get laid: 216 miles
Naked pics sent: immeasurable
Naked pics received: hundreds
Penis size: 6.75 in.
Times I’ve had sex on the beach: 1
Time it took to get the sand out of everything: 2 years
MISCELLANEOUS LIFE:
Type of underwear: Boxer briefs
Pairs of shoes owned: 4
Shirts owned: 30
Tropical shirts owned: 22
Pairs of underwear owned: 28
Pairs of underwear without holes owned: 20
Times I shave my head per week: 2
Times my barber shaves my head per week: 1
Favorite razor: Gillette Mach 3
Favorite razor for balls: Schick Quattro for Women
Tattoos: 0
Piercings: 0
Tattoos I plan on getting: 0
Piercings I plan on getting: 0
Bones broken: 1
Surgical procedures: 2
Nights spent in the hospital: 0
Bloody noses: 1
Days sick as an adult: <5
Age I smoked my first cigarette: 33
Age I started drinking alcohol: 33
Times I’ve passed out from drinking: 1
Times I’ve blacked out from drinking: 0
Drugs done (illicit): 1
Drugs done (pharmaceutical): 6
Fist fights: 1
Fist fights won: 0
Fist fights averted by talking or looking mean: >50
Arrests: 0
Potential length of prison sentence if prosecuted for most illegal thing I’ve ever done: 10-12 years
Times I’ve worn a dress: 2
Times I liked it: 1
Times I’ve had my toenails painted: ~30
Favorite nail polish color: They’re all my favorite
Times I have to reassure people I’m not gay: Too many to count
Times I’ve answered the door naked: ~20
Times I’ve sunbathed naked: ~100
Times my neighbors have seen me naked: Not enough
Books owned: ~1800
Comic books owned: ~30,000
Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 294
Average night’s sleep: 6 hours
Number of kids I want: 3
Times I want to get married again: 1
Potential for the next 36 years: unlimited
Well, I think that seems pretty comprehensive. Anything I should add? Any categories you think I’ve left out?
Also, do you want to make this an awesome birthday for me? Leave a comment here, and then go do my movie/TV trivia contest. See how well you can do!
I’m 36 now. Let’s make this year count for something!
Most awesome list of random stats ever. ;o)
Thanks. I had fun compiling it!
Twitter: thedgoddess
says:
Boxer briefs? I figured you for a jockey bikini guy.
I need to let my boys breathe down there!
Twitter: CountessMo
says:
I’ve decided that the drawing is of a tray on wheels to hold your penis and NOT a walker because you’re only 36, for fuck’s sake, and you’re a long way from a walker, Guy Who Is Younger Than Me!
Oh, and Happy Birthday!
That just means we’re both old!
Twitter: TwoBusy
says:
Goddamn, that was comprehensive. And informative.
Happy birthday, dude.
I leave no stone unturned.
Twitter: 2princessmama
says:
Happy Birthday!!!!
Happy birthday, what a life well lived! I love this! I’ll buy you a drink in March!
Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Happy birthday, you young pup! Hope it’s a great day!
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Happy birthday! Glad your looks have kept us from fighting.
I could never fight you! Unless Deb asked me to.
Twitter: bobutler
says:
Happy birthday Adam! If you ever want to drive 1,000+ miles for sex, let me know!
I will keep that in mind.
Nice. Glad to see the stat on Tijuana Flats.
Happy Birthday! You’re eleven days younger than me. Which means you’re also Year of the Fire Dragon–woo hoo!
And since I love redheads, I’ll rename that to Year of the Fire Crotch.
Happy birthday! I never want to get in a car with you!
No accidents!
Twitter: msmegan
says:
For my birthday you must write a post about giving yourself a blow job. That’s if I don’t die of old age first.
Happy Birthday.
I thought I had written about that – I was young and more flexible and almost broke my neck for the second and a half that I was able to actually accomplish it.
Twitter: Tara_R
says:
You’re still a young whipper-snapper. Hope you have a statistically epic birthday.
I’m most curious about the blowjob and the crime. Duh.
I’ll tell you over a glass or a million of wine someday.
Twitter: nualathewriter
says:
Sadly I could not help comparing a lot of your stats with mine in my head as I read this. Grin. That was awesome.
Happy Birthday Adam…..Painted toe-nails and shaved balls, you’re quite the catch.
I know, right?
I am so horny right now. Seriously.
From that list of stats? Not sure how that happened!
You’re a brave man.
Nah – no point in being ashamed of anything I’ve done in my life.
Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
I kicked your ass in Psychology! I’m smarter AND older than you now!
Happy Birthday!
Well, I took it again and did well, so there.
Wow! YOur an “equal opportunity” sex partner! Good for you!
Happy birthday!
I don’t think I realized how diverse the pool was until I started making the stats.
Happy birthday.
Twitter: amadisonmom
says:
Love you list!
Wishing you the happiest of birthdays! Hope 36 is your best year yet!
Twitter: NonaNelson
says:
Is that 6.5 inches length or girth? Asking for a friend.
Ouch – girth? That wouldn’t be a penis. That would be a foot.
Twitter: an_bhean
says:
Happy Birthday! Thank you for sharing all of the information I could ever want to know about you and more.
Welcome to 36. It’s a nice place to be.
That’s what I do best!
Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
says:
You didnt include any non caucasian women in your sexual partner stats. Is that because there haven’t been any? Racist.
Happy Birthday, Adam. May you have the best of everything!
15 of the 16 were Caucasian, so one wasn’t!
Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Happy Birthday!!!
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
You frighten me.
That’s a compliment. Happy Birthday, Avitadude!
I frighten me too.
Twitter: Blogography
says:
Happiest of birthdays to you, sir!
Happy Birthday, you old Fucker.
GREAT list of stats! Part 2 of this post needs to be some explanations of those stats, though. Inquiring minds want to know (more)…..
Which in particular?
I would never be this honest.
No? It’s rather refreshing!
Happy birthday! Great list. Oldest was 40? You need to get out more. You’re in Florida ferchrissakes.
Well, I just tend to prefer the younger woman.
You’ve led an interesting life so far, sir. I wish you the best for the future and hope you have a lovely birthday!
It has been pretty interesting. Thank you!
Twitter: poppycede
says:
Happy birthday, again!
Blowjobs are for penises, right? So, naturally I’m curious if you were altered or sober.
Well, I was 13 and just managed to be flexible enough to give myself one. For about a second, and then I thought my neck was going to break.
You may think you’re getting old, but at least you’ve got your memory to remember all those stats! Shoot…I’ll be 35 in June & my memory is horrible! Hope you have a great birthday!
I hope that you have a fabulous birthday and an even better year. Thank you so much for all the laughs you have brought me. Thanks for making me think and sometimes pushing the limits so that I do the same. You are an awesomely flawed guy who deserves happiness!
“Awesomely flawed guy” may be my new favorite phrase.
Twitter: iamkarinwithani
says:
Happy birthday. In the words of Kelly Bundy, “The mind wobbles” at all the randomosity in this post. I hope your birthday and your 37th year are filled with wishes and dreams come true!
I’m only 36, not 37!
I’ll blame the fact that I made your mind wobble.
Happy Birthday!!
Twitter: AmazingGreis
says:
Happy Birthday Adam! Hope it was great!!
I can’t believe “Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 294″. I thought that would be much higher.
I too want to read about you giving yourself a blowjob.
Happy Belated Birthday!
It’s not even that great of a story. I was 13, flexible, and managed to do it for about a second before I thought my neck was going to break.
Happy Birthday, you young thing, you.
Happy Birthday!
Twitter: Zakary
says:
I hope 36 is kind to you, happy, happy!
Is the one bone broken yours or mine???
Haha! I’ll never live that down!
So, if you’ve already received hundreds of nude photos, does that mean it’s no longer an acceptable belated birthday present?
Tropical shirts owned is an impressive number!
Number of years til you’re as old as me: a) 14 b) never : )