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My life stats on my 36th birthday

Adam Avitable and his 36th birthday

So, I’m 36 today. And the 36-year old Adam Heath Avitable that I am today is not the 36-year old I thought I would be when I was in my twenties or even early thirties. A lot has changed in the past few years. Divorce, depression, success, failure, happiness, clarity, and direction. My entire life philosophy shifted from one of manipulation to one of transparency. I’ve tried to stop collecting mementos of life and start enjoying life itself. I’ve redefined myself as someone who wants to write, not someone who just wants to make as much money as he possibly can. As someone who wants a family. As someone who wants to live to the fullest.

And what better way to celebrate my 36 years of existence than a look back at the minutiae, the data, and the numbers that have made up my life thus far? Of course, as this is the blog of Adam Heath Avitable, I will continue my goal of being shameless and fearless in the face of honesty by leaving no stone unturned.


Birth date: January 26, 1977
Birth location: Weymouth, Massachusetts
Age of earliest memory: 2
Age I started reading: 2
Siblings: 2
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 300
Heaviest weight: 460
Goal weight: 250
Shirt size: XXL
Waist size: 48-50
Shoe size: 12W

States I’ve lived in: 5
Years in Massachusetts: 3
Years in Virginia: 4
Years in Missouri: 3
Years in California: 3
Years in Florida: 23
Years that it’s felt like I’ve lived in Florida: 100


Schools attended: 4
Degrees received: 2
Undergraduate degree: Bachelor of Arts in East Asian Studies, Washington and Lee University
Graduate degree: Juris Doctorate, Washington University School of Law
Worst high school grade received: B, History
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Psychology
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Labor Law
Highest GPA: 4.9/4.0
Lowest GPA: 2.6/4.0


Cars owned: 3
Age when I got my first ticket: 17
Speeding/traffic tickets received: ~30
Accidents: 0
Flat tires: 1
Most expensive ticket: $288
Highest speed (caught): 88
Highest speed (not caught): 115
Money spent on tickets: ~$10,000
Money spent on lawyers to fight tickets: ~$4,000
People following me home because of my driving: 3
Times cops have come to my door: 2

States visited: 35
Countries visited: 3
Non American countries visited: 0
Most miles traveled one-way: 2,896 miles
Cruises taken: 2


Blog posts written: 2518
Years blogging in any form: 14
Books I’ve written: 1
Times I’ve been published in print:Β 5
Books I want to write: 3

Age when I first performed stand up comedy: 16
Age when I next performed stand up comedy: 34
Years performing stand up: 2
Longest set performed: 30 minutes
Biggest audience: ~300
Number of people who walked out: 0 (so far)


Age that I
 Had my first real girlfriend: 13
 French kissed a girl: 13
 Touched my first naked breast: 14
 Got to third base: 16
 Lost my virginity: 21

Longest relationship: 12 years
Shortest relationship: 3 days
Times I’ve been in love: 4
Times that’s worked out: 0

Sexual partners: 16
 Who were redheads: 5
 Blondes: 6
 Brunettes: 5
 Caucasian: 15
 American: 14
 Bloggers: 5
 Older: 7
 Younger: 9
 Midgets: 0
 Almost midgets: 2
 Married or separated: 7
 Have kids: 10
 Within one week: 3
 Within one day: 1
 Oldest partner: 40
 Youngest partner: 23

Most times I’ve had sex in one day: 5
Most times I’ve had sex in one day with someone other than myself: 3
STDs: 0
Number of threesomes attempted: 1
Number of threesomes successfully achieved: 0
Times I’ve paid for sex: 0
Times I almost had sex with a prostitute for free: 1

Blowjobs received: oodles
Blowjobs given: 1
Blowjobs given not to myself when I was 13: 0
Number of sex toys owned: 8

Furthest distance driven to get laid: 216 miles
Naked pics sent: immeasurable
Naked pics received: hundreds
Penis size: 6.75 in.

Times I’ve had sex on the beach: 1
Time it took to get the sand out of everything: 2 years


Type of underwear: Boxer briefs
Pairs of shoes owned: 4
Shirts owned: 30
Tropical shirts owned: 22
Pairs of underwear owned: 28
Pairs of underwear without holes owned: 20
Times I shave my head per week: 2
Times my barber shaves my head per week: 1
Favorite razor: Gillette Mach 3
Favorite razor for balls: Schick Quattro for Women

Tattoos: 0
Piercings: 0
Tattoos I plan on getting: 0
Piercings I plan on getting: 0
Bones broken: 1
Surgical procedures: 2
Nights spent in the hospital: 0
Bloody noses: 1
Days sick as an adult: <5 Age I smoked my first cigarette: 33
Age I started drinking alcohol: 33
Times I’ve passed out from drinking: 1
Times I’ve blacked out from drinking: 0
Drugs done (illicit): 1
Drugs done (pharmaceutical): 6
Fist fights: 1
Fist fights won: 0
Fist fights averted by talking or looking mean: >50
Arrests: 0
Potential length of prison sentence if prosecuted for most illegal thing I’ve ever done: 10-12 years

Times I’ve worn a dress: 2
Times I liked it:Β 1
Times I’ve had my toenails painted: ~30
Favorite nail polish color: They’re all my favorite
Times I have to reassure people I’m not gay: Too many to count

Times I’ve answered the door naked: ~20
Times I’ve sunbathed naked: ~100
Times my neighbors have seen me naked: Not enough

Books owned: ~1800
Comic books owned: ~30,000
Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 294

Average night’s sleep: 6 hours
Number of kids I want: 3
Times I want to get married again: 1

Potential for the next 36 years: unlimited

Well, I think that seems pretty comprehensive. Anything I should add? Any categories you think I’ve left out?

Also, do you want to make this an awesome birthday for me? Leave a comment here, and then go do my movie/TV trivia contest. See how well you can do!

I’m 36 now. Let’s make this year count for something!

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76 Replies to “My life stats on my 36th birthday”

  1. Maura

    I’ve decided that the drawing is of a tray on wheels to hold your penis and NOT a walker because you’re only 36, for fuck’s sake, and you’re a long way from a walker, Guy Who Is Younger Than Me!

    Oh, and Happy Birthday!

  2. Al_Pal

    Nice. Glad to see the stat on Tijuana Flats. πŸ˜‰
    Happy Birthday! You’re eleven days younger than me. Which means you’re also Year of the Fire Dragon–woo hoo!

  3. Stacey

    You didnt include any non caucasian women in your sexual partner stats. Is that because there haven’t been any? Racist. πŸ˜‰
    Happy Birthday, Adam. May you have the best of everything!

  4. Kimberly

    I hope that you have a fabulous birthday and an even better year. Thank you so much for all the laughs you have brought me. Thanks for making me think and sometimes pushing the limits so that I do the same. You are an awesomely flawed guy who deserves happiness!

  5. GrandeMocha

    I can’t believe “Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 294”. I thought that would be much higher.

    I too want to read about you giving yourself a blowjob.

    Happy Belated Birthday!

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