I know I’m not the only one who took the announcement that Pope Benedict XVI was resigning as a sign from God that I am meant to be the next Pope. But I contend that I am the best candidate. In recent years, I have embarked upon a long-term campaign to help hundreds of young women who have lost their way. I help them see Jesus. Or at least say his name. That has to count for something. I give to charity – for example, I just bought $70 worth of Girl Scout Cookies. And yes, while I may be reselling those cookies at a 200% mark-up to people who forgot to place their Thin Mint order, I’m clearly helping feed the mentally infirm. I am half Italian, and I probably look really good in white and gold. Also, I think it’s time for an American Pope. We’re not the “new” country anymore, and we deserve a chance to have the next Pope be an American. A Democrat. A fat hairy son-of-a-bitch like me. What say you?
The One Where I …
- Pose for Playgirl
- Talk about my divorce 2 3
- Review sex toys
- Horrify you with my Aristocrats joke
- Discuss my weight loss
- Show you my balls
- Interview my dead grandmother
- Want to have a child
- Go on my first date as a divorced man
- Teach you about dirty talk
- Go to a strip club for the first time
- Talk to a heroin addict
- Discuss auto-erotica
- Console a grieving mother
- Write a letter to my body
- Review my life lessons
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