It began with a *pop*. Well, it began when I agreed to help my friend Vannah move into her new apartment, and then it technically ended with a *pop*.
Could you say no to this face?
As I lifted the bureau into the back of the U-Haul, I felt my bicep stretch and move in a way that it shouldn’t. There wasn’t any pain, but my whole arm felt weird, and when I straightened my arm, my muscle undulated under my skin like an alien.
After consulting with my medical team, which consists of my mother and a friend who is a sports medicine doctor, I came to the completely uneducated conclusion that I had torn my right bicep tendon at my elbow, an injury that is relatively rare, as less than 5% of bicep tears occur at the elbow versus the shoulder. Once the bruises appeared a day or two later, I knew that I was right in my self-diagnosis.
I went in for an appointment at the Jewett Orthopaedic Clinic and met with Kurt Gasner, MD, a specialist in Orthopedic Surgery and Surgery of the Hand and Upper Extremities. Dr. Gasner was fantastic, rejecting my insistence that he was actually Academy Award winning actor Richard Dreyfuss, yet still taking the time to explain how the bicep tendon attaches at the elbow and why surgery to repair it is extremely important. While I’d still retain strength, thanks to the redundancy built into our bodies, the ability to turn my wrist and lift weight in a flexing motion would be reduced significantly. Since I assumed this meant that my ability to masturbate would be severely affected, we scheduled surgery to repair my right distal bicep tendon immediately for the following Friday.
After determining that normal anesthesia wouldn’t work, the anesthesiologist brought in a gorilla tranquilizer, which seemed to do the trick. I also had what’s called regional anesthesia, which is a block that was inserted to prevent the pain receptors in my brain from feeling pain as the surgeons worked on my arm. With the block inserted and the sedative about to kick in, I was ready to go.
WARNING: All images after the following photo are of a graphic nature, with close-up images of the surgical process involved in repairing a distal bicep tendon. If you faint at the sight of blood, if you are pregnant, if you are subject to projectile vomiting, or if you are under the age of 13, you may want to click away now. Otherwise, continue at your own risk.
Dr. Gasner wrote his initials on my arm to confirm that he was operating on the right body part. He also sketched out the incision and completely ignored my request to make it into a happy face.
Once the incision was made, Dr. Gasner had to reach inside my arm and find the distal bicep tendon where it had curled up inside my arm after snapping. With his finger, he cleared away scar tissue and used the clamps to slowly unroll and extend the tendon to its proper length.
Once the tendon had been fully extended, Dr. Gasner threaded it with a fiber that looped in and out of the tendon until it held it securely. I wasn’t aware until after the procedure how much this was similar to sewing. I’m pretty confident that Dr. Gasner crochets a bad-ass quilt, too.
After the distal bicep tendon had been threaded, a drill was brought in to drill through the bone. Also, my arm now looks like the pit of Sarlacc from Star Wars. Where’s Boba Fett when you need him?
Once the holes had been drilled, two small corkscrew anchors were threaded with the same fiber. They were carefully inserted into the holes in the bone, and then turned so that they locked in place, much like a button would do, if it was made of metal and tiny and used to hold your tendons in place so you don’t flop around like a sad broken old man.
Once Dr. Gasner inserted the anchors, he pulled the fiber tight until my distal bicep tendon was back where it belonged, and tied off the suture in what I imagine to be a very pretty bow.
A few stitches later and Dr. Gasner gave it the thumbs-up before leaving to go do what doctors do after they’re done with another successful surgery, which is probably to laugh mightily and proclaim to the heavens, “I AM GOD”.
The entire procedure to repair my right distal bicep tendon only took about an hour and fifteen minutes. When I came to, I felt immediately alert and normal, except for the giant splint around my arm and the fact that my entire arm was completely numb.
The recovery time has been very quick. My fingers and arm regained feeling after about 24 hours, and I spent a week in the splint. My pain levels were very low – in fact, I only took three Percocet total, and the only day that I got whiny was on the Sunday immediately following the procedure.
It’s a good thing I’m alone today because my reluctance to take Percocet for pain is matched only by my whininess. #surgery #recovery #ouch
— Adam Heath Avitable (@avitable) March 4, 2013
One week after the procedure, I got the splint removed and was able to start moving my arm and twisting my wrist until I’m back to normal, a recovery process which could take as long as three months. I expect to be able to begin masturbating again immediately, though.
I’m writing this post to act as a reference for anyone who may have had this happen or for anyone who may be considering having surgery to repair his or her distal bicep tendon. For anyone in Central Florida, I would wholeheartedly recommend Dr. Kurt Gasner and the entire staff at Jewett Orthopaedic Clinic, as they were efficient, friendly, informative, and provided an easy surgical experience for me.
Also, if anybody else needs help moving . . . call somebody else!
I cringed but it was also pretty cool to see. I’m glad to hear you are doing well…and able to masturbate again!
You and me both!
Twitter: rompyrog
says:
I enjoy looking at those kinds of photos. I think I was a dermatologist in a past life.
I’m about to have my ACL and Medial Meniscus repaired with, hopefully, similar success. Except that I don’t masterbate with my knee.
Glad it worked out for you Adam!
Good luck! And I think you should experiment with knee masturbation. I hear good things.
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
You didn’t try to stick this on your workers’ comp policy did you?
Nope. Just paid for it out of pocket.
That was so cool and so gross at the same time. I think the little naked Avitable cartoon helped make it less gross. I’m glad it went well.
That’s why I stuck the cartoons in there – to try to make it a little more palatable.
Twitter: Blogography
says:
WHEN YOU TELL ME NOT TO LOOK, I AM COMPELLED TO LOOK! Now I am in a state of trauma and trying not to puke. Thanks so much for that (and the people sitting near me at the airport thank you as well!).
But I told you!!
Twitter: KaraBedard
says:
That was so cool! It’s amazing how they can do all that in a little incision. If it were me doing the surgery, I’d probably have to open the whole arm, so it’s probably a good thing I’m not a surgeon.
Yeah, that’s probably a good thing!
Oh, boy – surgery porn! *fap* *fap* *fap*
Just don’t spill your seed into the open wound.
Way cool and I hope you heal quickly. Who took the pictures? I’ve never been able to document anything cool like that being done on me.
I assume one of the nurses. I gave my phone to the staff when they wheeled me into the OR and asked someone to take photos.
PS. I like your friend’s NASA shirt. I would help her move too.
Glad it all worked out. That’s amazing that you were allowed to have pictures taken from such a close proximity. Did Gjerome get to go in with you?
I forgot to mention to him that I was even having surgery on it. The staff is used to taking photos because it can be used for articles and for informative purposes, so it was no big deal for them to take photos for my own needs.
Gnarly, dude. But cool. Who took the pics? I’m guessing you thought of wanting to blog this and enlisted a friend? Perhaps I’ll find the answer in comments…
They wouldn’t have let a friend in the OR, I don’t think. It was just one of the surgical assistants, or perhaps the nurse anesthetist.
Twitter: msmegan
says:
Why didn’t you take the fucking Percocet? They’re nothing. Why be in pain?
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to experience pain. It’s a sensation just like pleasure, right? And I’d rather have pain and be clear-headed than be groggy.
Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
says:
I feel it only right that I show you pictures of my recent fibroid removal surgery. I’ll trade you some vicodin for percoset! Glad things went well and that you’re on the mend!
I’m not squeamish, so send them my way!
Twitter: rompyrog
says:
Me too! Me too! I wanna’ see ‘em!
Your fucking tendon has teeth!
Well it looks like it, anyway.
Fucker.
It looks like something from Tremors! Fucker.
Ouch!
That looked pretty cool though especially with the little Avitable cartoon guys. Hope you’re feeling better!
Hugs from snowy Minnesota
Marie
I am, now. Thanks!
This is another reason that I believe that many surgeons earn the big bucks. I would have assumed that you would be a switch masturbater.
I should have been practicing that all of these years!
Twitter: whatnowandwhy
says:
So are you trying to say you didn’t use this time to become masturbatorily ambidextrous? Is that what you’re saying? Such a waste.
I know. I tried, but it was a terrible experience!
I hope Vanna has nursed through this ordeal?!
She did very well taking care of me, yes.
I have no idea what those round flesh-colored things are inside of your arm but my advice is TO RUN FOR YOUR LIFE YOU’VE BEEN INVADED BY REJECTED SKITTLES THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE COLOR CUT.
Rejected Skittles will be the name of my next band.
Maybe I should post the photos of my recent colonoscopy!
Really cool that they were willing to take pictures. I would have thought they would be concerned with the liability if your phone “disappeared” for some reason.
They were really relaxed about it – I think because it was an outpatient procedure for only an hour, and that they take photos all the time for their own research, they were okay with it.
While you told us not to look, even the scrolling by the pics was pretty graphic. Glad to hear the surgery went well and that your masturbating hasn’t been affected.
Very detailed photo’s of your experience…even if they are a little graphic..Hope you have full recovery..Maybe you can use your other hand for a while
Twitter: amadisonmom
says:
1st…. I’m really surprised they let little naked Avitable in there without a full set of scrubs.
2nd… All I want to know is, who took the pictures?