Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

Talking to Celebrities, the Chocolate Babka Woman from Seinfeld, and an Interview with Suzy Soro

My friend Suzy Soro is probably best known for playing the woman who bought the last chocolate babka before Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes could get to it for the dinner party they were attending. She’s also a comedian, a popular Twittererer, a blogger, and, as of 2012, an author.

Celebrity sTalker, by Suzy Soro

Her book, Celebrity sTalker: Stories From a Woman Who Thinks Celebrities Are Dying to Talk to Her. Only They Aren’t, is a sordid look at the world of celebrities from someone who is right on the edge of the public vortex. This blurb from the back of the book, written by a very wise and funny man who goes by the name of Adam Heath Avitable, says it all:

“Darkly funny, unabashedly honest, and voyeuristic with every word, Celebrity sTalker will be relished by anyone on the other side of the red carpet.”

As I’ve done in the past with author friends like Ree Drummond and Jenny the Bloggess, I decided to interview Suzy about her book.

Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?

Suzy: I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.

He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.

“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”

Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.

How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?

Suzy: There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.

Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?

Suzy: George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on IMDb.com that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.

Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.

Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?

Suzy: About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.

She’s probably still doing it.

I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?

Suzy: I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.

Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?

Suzy: There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.

What does your sister think of the book?

Suzy: She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.

If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?

Suzy: If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara

Other than your book, what’s your favorite book written in the last year?

Suzy: Yours.

And with that fantastic final answer – I mean, does she know how to interview or what? – go right now to your closest bookstore, which is probably your computer because who goes to a bookstore anymore, and buy Suzy’s book and follow her on Twitter and hide out near her house and write her fan mail and like her Facebook page and send her photos of your genitalia!

 

 

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