It's not always about being funny.

It can’t be winter doldrums when it’s 75 degrees out.

Stress coats my world in wide strokes of muted gray. A Lilliputian army of obligations and responsibilities mount an incessant offensive, bringing me to the ground as I give up reaching for happiness, dangling from a string, the carrot I’ll never reach.

I use schadenfreude to keep going. As long as there are people worse than me, I have no right to feel this way. This stupid, weak, pathetic, lonely, overwhelming way. Keep working. Respond to emails. Answer phone calls. Put on the mask. Hide your eyes so nobody looks too deeply. Stop your fucking whining.

I am an extrovert who hasn’t left his house in 36 hours. Batteries draining as my source of power is unattainable, I fold into myself, looking for something redeeming. Six months of mail sits on the table beside me. My grocery shopping list is dated September 1st. And my bed draws me in like a Siren.

Adam Avitable in his gray period

I can be the writer and creator and explorer into imagination.
I can be the business owner and bill payer and grounded realist.
I CAN’T BE BOTH.

At my core, I am a narcissist. Selfish, egotistical, and focused on taking actions that benefit me, create buzz about me, put me in the spotlight. But at the center of that core, I am a romantic martyr and a soft-hearted court jester, searching for her. The love and devotion of the right woman combined with the love and attention of the public would make me an unstoppable juggernaut.

Right now, though, I’d settle for a personal assistant who works for sexual favors.

4 thoughts on “It can’t be winter doldrums when it’s 75 degrees out.”

  1. Go open your mail because I sent you a thank you card for DWTS! I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish there was a way for you to stop doing the thing you love less (or not at all) and make money doing only what you love–your comedy. December can be depressing for some people, even if they are surrounded by palm trees and not -20C temps!

  2. I was wondering why I hadn’t received a reply from my invitation to the sewing bee group.

    I have been thinking a bit about the narcissistic bit (tough word to spell) but the personal assistant/sexual favor thing hadn’t crossed my mind. (I know…hard to believe, huh?)

    I get this way in the spring when I finally realize that there is no more chance of snow. Seriously, it bums me out. Then the leaves start popping out and then I’m amazed at the Universe again. For a little while.

    You need some ice and snow. Come up north for a while.

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