For no apparent reason, I decided to write about my upcoming holiday plans as if I was still eight years old and writing an essay for school:
What I’m Doing for Christmas 2013
An essay by Adam Heath Avitable.
For this Christmas I am going to New Orleans, Louisiana. I was going to say for this holiday season but my Dad says that there is a war on Christmas so we need to say Christmas as much as we can. He also says Jesus Christ a lot, but only when he’s mad.
I know that I have some friends in New Orleans, but I have not made any plans with them. I will be staying at a hotel called The W. I do not know what W stands for. Maybe it means Winter Wonderland or maybe it is like Harry S Truman who had a middle name of just S that did not mean anything.
My family is staying in Ormond Beach, Florida for Christmas. I think I will be sad not to open presents with them on Christmas morning but since my mom and dad already gave me my presents including my stocking on Sunday, I think I will be okay. I do not know how they got Santa to come early this year but I am glad.
I have never been to New Orleans. It seems like it will be a lot of fun because there are bars everywhere. Bars can be fun places to go when you are alone on the holidays because everyone there is lonely and sad and alcohol makes it all fuzzy and fun. Also, in New Orleans, I will probably see boobies.
My friend Stacy was also going to be sad so she is going to visit New Orleans with me. She told me that if she felt any boners she would punch me in the face. I hope she knows those happen by accident all the time. Sometimes they happen in the morning, or when the wind blows, or every three minutes.
I did not buy any Christmas presents this year because of the economy. I do not know what that means, but that is what my Dad says. I think he said it means something to do with having no money because of the goddamn socialists. I have no money right now, and I do not even get an allowance anymore, so I could not buy any presents for anyone.
Tonight at 9:00 PM, I will have to be awake because I am driving all the way to New Orleans with my friend Linda. It is 649 miles, which should take 8.11 hours if we drive an average of 80 miles per hour for the entire trip. I need to stay awake for the whole drive so I will be drinking Red Bull even though my Mom says that it is bad for me and I also have really weird dreams involving zombies and girls who have boy parts when I drink too many.
If you live in New Orleans, you should call me so I can see you, but remember that I did not buy any Christmas presents, so all you will get is a hug and if I have a boner when I hug you I am sorry.
Merry Christmas to everyone, including the Jews and atheists and black people who celebrate Kwanzaa.