In light of the new ruling by the Supreme Court about corporations having a religious right to deny insurance coverage to their female employees in a completely arbitrary and capricious manner, a new memo has circulated by Hobby Lobby CEO David Green that was issued to his employees. I’ve attached an image of the memo and the text below.
As you have no doubt heard, the Supreme Court of the United States has ruled in our favor, allowing us to strike a blow against women everywhere who want equal insurance coverage for their own personal decisions regarding their personal lives. In celebration of this momentous decision, I have decided to institute a few new rules for employees who want to enjoy the religiously intolerant environment and seriously limited benefits of working for Hobby Lobby. From now on, all employees must obey the following rules, taken directly from the Hobby Lobby Employee Manual and the Holy Bible:
Whether at home or at the office, employees are forbidden from consuming any shellfish, pork products, rabbits, or birds of prey. However, Hobby Lobby is happy to provide locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers for a crunchy, protein-filled snack.
No personal grooming is allowed. Any type of activity that could be considered “rounding the corners of your heads”, such as shaving, cutting your hair, styling your hair, trimming eyebrows, nosehairs, ear hairs, or more, will be met with termination.
Any female employee who is experiencing the distasteful, unclean act of menstruation that is biologically imperative will be required to stay home from work for no less than seven days, and will not be paid for the time off. In addition, any woman caught taking birth control to regulate this disgusting monthly habit will be terminated.
No profanity is permitted. This includes fuck, shit, cunt, hell, damn, ass, fart, cock, booty, darn, heck, gosh, goddamn, shucks, shnikies, gee willikers, holy cow, and any iteration of these words.
We will be closed every Sunday. In addition, no employee is permitted to participate in any unholy activity at home on Sundays. That includes watching television, answering the phone, dancing, drinking alcohol, smoking, playing sports, or fornicating.
Gossip is also prohibited. All employees who communicate with each other about non-work topics may only discuss the weather, the Bible, the meal they ate the night before, the Bible, how much they hate that Muslim in the White House, or words that rhyme with Bible.
Finally, anyone with tattoos, anyone who has a garden that mingles seed, or anyone who doesn’t cover his or her heads or wears torn clothing of any type will be stoned to death, per your Employee Manual.
Respectfully, yours in Christ (but not the Christ who feeds homeless, loves everyone, and judges none);
David Green, CEO