I’ve seen a recent prevalence of lists detailing everything you need to know about dating in today’s world. Here are some examples I’ve seen when browsing my Facebook feed today alone:
- 18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With
- 19 Things You Need To Know Before You Date a Sarcastic Girl
- 17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own
- Et fucking cetera.
Hell, I even wrote one of my own two years ago: 9 Things A Girl Should Know Before Her First Date With Avitable
I think it’s time for a new list of my own:
12 Things You Need To Know Before You Date Avitable
1. I’m intense.
Like, really intense. I actually listen to what you say and remember it, and I pay attention to you when you’re talking. I’m not controlling (anymore) but my attention can be overwhelming. It’s a sign of my affection, but if your personality isn’t strong enough, you won’t be able to handle me.
2. I don’t play games.
If I like you, I’ll text you. I’ll invite you to hang out, which actually means hang out, not have sex. I’ll ask you to dinner, and I’ll be honest with you. I think it’s immature to play any type of waiting game, and I have no problem telling you if I’m interested in you.
3. I won’t lie.
The old Avitable lied all the time. Since my divorce, I don’t believe in it anymore. That means that I’ll tell you exactly why I got divorced, what I’ve done since then, and always be up front with you about what I’m doing.
4. I snore.
Just be aware. If we’re at a point that you’ll be staying over, bring ear plugs. Just don’t get mad at me and also don’t think that there’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex in the bedroom too.
5. I’m dark.
There’s no place where I won’t try to find humor. I think very dark thoughts sometimes, and I can be extremely morbid. I absolutely do not believe in sacred ground, especially when they’re based on antiquated traditions.
6. I’m authoritative.
If I don’t have an opinion about something, it’s because I don’t feel strongly enough either way and see the benefits to both sides. But if I do have an opinion about something, I will speak authoritatively as if it’s fact, and that can be frustrating. Especially since you’re clearly wrong in my eyes.
7. I’m not aggressive.
I have too many women friends who have been put in uncomfortable places by men, even inadvertenly, to be aggressive at first. I’m sure I’ve even pushed women to act in a way they didn’t really want to, as well. And now I’m terrified of doing it, so if you’re interested in me, you’ll have to make the first move. Or just be open and honest with me. I have no problem being aggressive after that.
8. I have no boundaries or shame.
I’m naked on the Internet. You can’t have shame after that. I also have very close friendships with no boundaries, so if you have areas of your life that you won’t talk about, expect me to always be curious. There is no part of my life that I won’t share with you. Or with anyone.
9. I have almost all female friends.
I get along better with a lot of women than I do with many men. This means I have many close female friends, and I may spend time with them in ways that would cause you doubt if you didn’t trust me. But trusting me is paramount – we can’t date unless that exists, because I won’t give up friendships out of baggage that someone else is bringing to a relationship.
10. I don’t judge anyone.
You can tell me literally anything, and I won’t judge you. I’ve done some terrible things in my life, and I will always remember the people who didn’t judge me as those who helped me build myself back up.
11. I communicate openly.
This can’t be stressed enough. Ask me anything, and I’ll share. I won’t lie or obfuscate the truth, and I also talk about my emotions openly. Whether I’m happy, depressed, horny, sad, or angry, or anything in between, I’ll share it with you, and may even write about it publicly too.
12. I’m a narcissist.
I get my power from the attention I get from fans, readers, and friends. You will always have to share me with others in that way, because without that attention, I have no way of judging my worth to the world. If I wasn’t so empathetic, I would be the poster child for NPD. I also take lots and lots of selfies. Naked ones.
So, there you have it. The ideal applicant is a young, petite redhead with a penchant for sarcasm and a sharp intelligence, but we’re always looking at all applicants openly. Line up to the left for your oral interview.
If you know me, what else would you say someone should know before she dates me?