Almost thirty questions answered, and almost forty left to go! Tonight and tomorrow night, I’ll be standing on a stage in Cocoa Beach, performing thirty minutes of material and talking about all of the things in life that I’ve thought of to make my audience laugh. Right now, though, is all about you, my beautiful reader:
Winter asked: What’s your main goal to accomplish before you die?
I have a constantly growing list of goals that are all important. I want to write a novel. I want to write a mystery series. I want to write a television series. I want to be on television. I want to be a household name. I want to write better than everyone else in the world. I want to create. I want to have more followers and fans than talentless hacks who are famous for all of the worst reasons. I want to go to the Oscars. I want to win an Oscar. I want to find someone who will support my goals and be independently wealthy. I want to be a vampire and live forever so I have the time to do all of these things.
Regan asked: Why did the chicken actually cross the road?
Across the road, a Trader Joe’s just opened up.
Shelby asked: What is your biggest motivation to stay true to yourself no matter what others may say or do?
I’m a walking contradiction. On one hand, I’ve said before that I don’t really have a sense of self except as reflected in the eyes of my audience. But at the same time, I stick to the tenets of being open and honest, not judging others, and trying to be there for those who are in need. It feels good to do those things, so I know they’re the right thing to do.
So, I don’t listen to what anyone else says, but I identify with how I see myself actually reflected in their eyes. If I want to be true to myself, I have to make sure that reflection is an accurate one.
Kella asked: Who inspired you to become a comedian? Or how did you get into comedy?
I have always loved comedy. From listening to Bill Cosby records as a kid to reading MAD Magazine, making people laugh is an amazing trait, and a skill that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. In high school, I entered a talent contest and came in second place with a stand-up routine, and writing humor on Avitable.com since 1998 just seemed natural.
I got into stand-up consistently thanks to a girl I dated. We went to the Orlando Improv to watch a comedian and they had a flyer talking about a comedy class. She found all the information about the class and encouraged me to attend, so I did, and once I learned the basic mechanics of being on stage and not looking like a complete idiot, I never looked back.
And now I can’t imagine a life without doing it.
Rebekah asked: Scenario: You’ve died and discovered that everything in the Bible is 100% accurate. God asks you why you didn’t follow his commandments. What is your answer?
As in the ten commandments? Or will he be asking me why I shaved my beard and ate shellfish too? Because if we’re going with the scenario that everything in the Bible was 100% accurate, there are plenty of rules that are laid out that I don’t think anybody has followed anymore. Unless you’ve heard about any recent stonings of virgins, that is.
If we go with the idea that most of the “rules” in the Bible are simple parables designed to illustrate lessons to be learned, and the only commandments are the ten commandments, then I’d tell him that I’ve never had any other gods, never made a graven image of God, honored my parents, never killed anyone, haven’t stolen anything in decades, I don’t lie or covet anything, so I’m pretty much seven for ten, which I would posit is probably better than most people who consider themselves Christians.
Now, if I was asking the question you asked, instead of talking about commandments, I would have talked about the more important aspect of religion. The reason that the Bible gives for Jesus dying on the cross was to save all of us because each of us is a sinner. None of us is without sin.
So, in my opinion, God woldn’t care about following the commandments. He would be more concerned with why I didn’t accept Christ as my savior. And to that, I would answer that I have faith in humanity and could never believe that the majority of the world’s population, made up of Muslims, Buddhists, Hinduists, and other religions, are all wrong and that heaven is some douchey exclusionary nightclub that only lets the right people, (who are mostly white), in.
And then I’d explain that since so many religions do have the same basic tenets and stories that it makes much more sense that they’re all true in their own ways. That God or whatever you want to call it, if it exists, is so beyond our human understanding that the only way to make it palatable for our pathetic minds would be to distill it through the flawed words of men, split into many different cultures and many different stories that all share the same theme: Be good to one another.
And then God would say “Dude, you win!” And it would be like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and I’d get to take a big glass elevator up to the real heaven for people who could see all organized religion for the shams that they are.
Joshua asked: Do you collect anything?
Also, comic books.
Joshua asked: Were you your own lawyer in the divorce case? Can you be my lawyer?
We did our divorce together because we were both lawyers, but I’m not a practicing attorney. I never wanted to actually practice. So no, I cannot be your lawyer, but I can dispense completely unreliable legal advice to you at any time.
For example, did you know that it’s perfectly legal to steal up to $500 worth of items from a store if you’re a veteran from any armed conflict?
Stacy asked: How many months/years have you worn women’s underpants and do you have a favorite color and style that really make you wanna strut in your apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur?
I just like how the lace feels. Finding a pair that comes in size GORILLAXXL is difficult, though, so I find myself just going commando most of the time.
Evan asked: Can a girl be so hot that eventually her penis wouldn’t matter?
I know you asked this as a joke, but I had a serious conversation with someone once about this. She and I were just talking about dating and she asked me if I met a girl who was beautiful and smart and funny and everything I wanted in a girl, and we went out several times and had chemistry and it was fantastic, what would I do if I found out a few weeks into it that she had a penis?
The easy answer is to say that you’d end it with her. But, if you connect with someone deeply and it has power beyond the superficial, I think it would be a very difficult choice. One that I’ve never had to make and I’m sure one that I never will, but it’s an interesting philosophical question nonetheless.
Halfway done! Keep coming back and reading, but in the meantime:
- Check out parts 1, 2, and 3 of my AMA,
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