It’s Saturday and tonight I’ll be celebrating my birthday at the Avitable Camp for Wayward Women. If you have my address, which you should, since it’s public, come on by and say hi. Bring booze or bacon or boobs.
Now, let’s move on to part six of my birthday week AMA:
Shelby asked: How often do you trim your toenails?
I get regular pedicures and let tiny Asian women trim them for me. If I don’t have time for a pedi, I’ll usually trim them myself when they start getting caught on my socks.
I don’t get them painted anymore, but for several years, I would get my toenails painted each time. It was something I liked doing to fuck with uptight and closeminded people who want to fit every type of person into an easy to conform box.
Rose asked: What is your most ridiculous sex story of all time?
I brought a girl home after a second or third date. We decided to play a game of “Sit on my face and I’ll guess your weight” and it was her turn.
She was a little bit larger than my typical date, but she hoisted herself up and planted herself down and I went to work, starting with the alphabet.
She began to truly enjoy herself, and at some point decided to stop holding in her stomach. Apparently she had been sucking it in for this entire night, and decided to unfurl it at a very inopportune time.
Her belly covered and blocked my nose, instantly cutting off my airflow, as my mouth was not anywhere near an oxygen source. I tried to move, but her knees were firmly pinning my shoulders down, so I tried shaking her off.
She thought I was just really getting into it and began to writhe on top of my face, grabbing my head with her hands and verbally expressing her enjoyment. I just slowly began to die from the lack of oxygen and my life began flashing before my eyes.
Finally, with the last vestiges of my strength, I flung my shoulder into the air, knocking her completely off the bed and giving me access to that sweet, precious air.
And that’s why I usually have a preference for the more petite girl.
Hans asked: Let’s say you’re at Lowes. And your four year old says “Daddy I tootsie pooped”. Compare and contrast your emotions and reactions. Do you explain to him what “commando” means? Illustrate your game plan for getting home.
Well, first of all, I’d never be at Lowes. And secondly, I would just turn to the au pair and say “You got this? Yeah, you got this.” And then I’d walk outside and eat one of those awesome sausages they sell outside of every Lowes and Home Depot.
Mitchell asked: I didn’t know you were a lawyer. So am I. There are a few of us in Stand Up Comedy I have noticed. What kind of law did you practice and for how long? How has practicing law impacted your comedy career?
I never practiced. Halfway through law school I decided it wasn’t worth it, but I still went through the effort of getting the degree, and I’m glad I did. The way I learned to think in law school has helped me tremendously in all of my creative endeavors.
Winter asked: What would you do if you only had 6 months to live?
I would kill everyone on my “People To Kill If You Only Have Six Months To Live” list. Then, I would take all of my cash, go to Vegas, and put it all on black. After that, when I didn’t have any money and everyone who deserved to die was dead, I would write an amazing novel that would forever define my legacy.
Stacy asked: What outfit would you wear to meet Jesus? What outfit would you wear to meet the BABY Jesus? If they’re different, why? Please show your work.
In both scenarios, I would dress like a clown just to see if Jesus had coulrophobia.
Although if I meet baby Jesus dressed like this and scare him and then later meet grown up Jesus and he does have a phobia of clowns, then it would probably be my fault and I’d probably tear a hole in the time-space continuum or some shit.
Michelle asked: I know you’re all edgy ‘n’ shit, but I notice you’ve eliminated the penis from your cartoon selfie, if you ever use it at all. Why? If you claim to be “growing up”, I’m leaving.
The decision to remove the penis was in part because I decided to make my cartoons more family friendly and in part because the cartoon itself evolved and it just didn’t work nearly as well.
Rose asked: Are there any hangups from your divorce that nag at you still? Any regrets?
The biggest regret I have is that I hurt the people I hurt instead of telling my ex-wife I was unhappy as soon as I knew I was. There aren’t any vestiges from the divorce that bother me – I am happier and more fulfilled, and it was the right choice for me.
Joshua asked: What is your least favorite part of America?
Do you mean America the country or America the way of life? If it’s the former, I despise the deep south. If it’s the latter, I despise the deep south.
Also, I hate that we’ve gotten away from the fact that our freedom of speech and religion should mean that we tolerate all speech and religion, but instead it becomes a way to oppress and spew hatred.
It’s sad to me that people can be against their fellow human beings having equal rights and against ways to narrow the massive income gap between the poor and wealthy in this country. Regardless of the rest of the beliefs someone shares, how could one choose the path that treats any person as a lesser human being?
Ann asked: What advice would you have given yourself just starting out with the knowledge you’ve gained thus far in comedy?
A decent bit can become a great bit by working on your timing, word choice, and consistency in tone and demeanor.
I’ll be answering the rest of the questions tomorrow and then doing a special post on my actual birthday, January 26th. Until then:
- Check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 of my AMA,
- Don’t go buy me birthday presents to make me love you more by visiting my Amazon.com wish list,
- Follow me on Twitter and Instagram and add me on Facebook,
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