The WAYYYYY TMI Birthday Post – Read At Your Own Risk

Thirty-eight years ago, the world improved just a little. And today, as you read this birthday recap post that tells you more about me than any person should ever know (even if you read the similar one I did two years ago), the world gets a little worse.

It’s all about balance.


Birth date: January 26, 1977
Birth location: Weymouth, Massachusetts
Age of earliest memory: 2
Age I started reading: 2
Siblings: 2
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 280
Heaviest weight: 460
Goal weight: 250
Shirt size: XXL
Waist size: 46-48
Shoe size: 12W

States I’ve lived in: 5
Years in Massachusetts: 3
Years in Virginia: 4
Years in Missouri: 3
Years in California: 3
Years in Florida: 25
Years that it’s felt like I’ve lived in Florida: 100


Schools attended: 4
Degrees received: 2
Undergraduate degree: Bachelor of Arts in East Asian Studies, Washington and Lee University
Graduate degree: Juris Doctorate, Washington University School of Law
Worst high school grade received: B, History
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Psychology
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Labor Law
Highest GPA: 4.9/4.0
Lowest GPA: 2.6/4.0


Cars owned: 4
Age when I got my first ticket: 17
Speeding/traffic tickets received: ~48
Accidents: 1
Accidents that weren’t my fault: 1
Accidents that totaled my awesome car but resulted in me buying an even better one: 1
Flat tires: 1
Most expensive ticket: $288
Highest speed (caught): 90
Highest speed (not caught): 120
Money spent on tickets: ~$10,000
Money spent on lawyers to fight tickets: ~$5,000
People following me home because of my driving: 3
Times cops have come to my door: 2

States visited: 35
Countries visited: 3
Non American countries visited: 0
Most miles traveled one-way: 2,896 miles
Cruises taken: 2


Blog posts written: 2584
Years blogging in any form: 16
Books I’ve written: 1
Times I’ve been published in print: 5
Books I want to write: 3

Age when I first performed stand up comedy: 16
Age when I next performed stand up comedy: 34
Years performing stand up: 4
Longest set performed: 45 minutes
Number of paid gigs: >200
Number of unpaid gigs: >1,000
Number of cities performed in: >30
Biggest audience: ~300
Number of people who walked out: 0 (so far)

Facebook friends: >3,000
Facebook friends I don’t have any idea who the hell they are: >500
Facebook friends who are legitimate friends: ~100
Facebook friends I’m friends with because I really want to have sex with them: ~100


Age that I
 Fell in love the first time: 5
 Masturbated: 9
 Had my first real girlfriend: 13
 French kissed a girl: 13
 Touched my first naked breast: 14
 Got to third base: 16
 Lost my virginity: 21
Had good sex: 32

Longest relationship: 12 years
Shortest relationship: 3 days
Times I’ve been in love: 5
Times that’s worked out: 0

Sexual partners: 21
 Who were redheads: 7
 Blondes: 8
 Brunettes: 6
 Caucasian: 20
 American: 19
 Bloggers: 5
 Older: 7
 Younger: 14
 Midgets: 0
 Almost midgets: 2
 Married, separated or in a relationship: 9
 Have kids: 11
 Within one week: 3
 Within one day: 1
 Oldest partner: 40
 Youngest partner: 20

Friends I would like to become sexual partners with: 10
Probably percentage of success: 30%
Most times I’ve had sex in one day:
Most times I’ve had sex in one day with someone other than myself: 3
STDs: 0
Number of threesomes attempted: 1
Number of threesomes successfully achieved: 0
Times I’ve paid for sex: 0
Times I almost had sex with a prostitute for free: 1

Blowjobs received: oodles
Blowjobs given: 1
Blowjobs given not to myself when I was 13: 0
Number of sex toys owned: 8

Furthest distance driven to get laid: 216 miles
Naked pics sent: immeasurable
Naked pics received: hundreds
Penis size: 6.75 in.

Times I’ve had sex on the beach: 1
Time it took to get the sand out of everything: 2 years
Times I’ve had sex in a car: 4
Times I’ve had sex on a car: 3
Times I’ve had sex in a car while driving: 1
Times I almost died at 90 miles an hour while having sex in a car while driving: 1


Type of underwear: Boxer briefs
Pairs of shoes owned: 8
Shirts owned: 40
Tropical shirts owned: 12
Pairs of underwear owned: 28
Pairs of underwear without holes owned: 28
Times I shave my head per week: 2
Times my barber shaves my head per week: 1
Favorite razor: Gillette Mach 3
Favorite razor for balls: Schick Quattro for Women

Tattoos: 0
Piercings: 0
Tattoos I plan on getting: 0
Piercings I plan on getting: 0
Bones broken: 1
Surgical procedures: 2
Nights spent in the hospital: 0
Bloody noses: 1
Days sick as an adult: <10

Age I smoked my first cigarette: 33
Age I started drinking alcohol: 33
Current drink of choice: Whipped Vodka with Blueberry Red Bull
Number of times I’ve had to explain that I don’t need a frilly pink umbrella with my drink and that I do have testicles: >50
Times I’ve passed out from drinking: 1
Times I’ve blacked out from drinking: 0
Drugs done (illicit): 1
Drugs done accidentally (illicit): 1
Drugs done (pharmaceutical): 8
Fist fights: 1
Fist fights won: 0
Fist fights averted by talking or looking mean: >50
Arrests: 0
Potential length of prison sentence if prosecuted for most illegal thing I’ve ever done: 10-12 years

Age I went to a strip club the first time: 34
Strip clubs gone to since: 6
Times offered sex for money: 1
Times I accepted: 0
Strippers I know who are amazing individuals full of strength and beauty: 10
Strippers I know who aren’t: the rest

Times I’ve worn a dress: 2
Times I liked it: 1
Times I’ve had my toenails painted: ~30
Favorite nail polish color: They’re all my favorite
Times I have to reassure people I’m not gay: Too many to count

Times I’ve answered the door naked: ~20
Times I’ve sunbathed naked: ~100
Times my neighbors have seen me naked: Not enough

Books owned: ~1800
Comic books owned: ~30,000
Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 384

Average night’s sleep: 6 hours
Number of kids I want: 1
Times I want to get married again: 1

Potential for the next 38 years: infinite

I think this is what’s called oversharing. Happy birthday to me, now bring on the rest of my life!

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