Broken hearts and strippers

The First White Dick

“So I do have to say this,” she said, in a conversation that had been entirely innocuous and normal up to that exact moment, “If you do get lucky tonight, you would be my first and only white dick.”

Why would you tell me that BEFORE? Having sex with someone new for the first time (and second and third and beyond) already comes with its own baggage. I’m already worried about performing well enough/being big enough/lasting long enough/making it fun enough/keeping it from being awkward/not sweating/hoping I don’t have any boogers/hoping that my breath is good enough/hoping that she’s not faking/hoping that we’re enjoying a legitimate moment/trying to actually lose myself in the moment instead of going through a mental checklist/and now I have to worry about the fact that your expectations are already higher because I’m a different race from your previous partners?

So now this instrument between my legs that is frankly a source of both pleasure and shame has to be some type of reverse Rosa Parks, refusing to back down until your bus reaches the station? If the sex isn’t mind-blowing, will I have, in your mind, let down all white men? Did I just let down George Clooney and Han Solo and Superman? Will I perpetuate the stereotype that once you go white, you won’t feel like it’s right?

I declined, if you wonder about those types of things. I wish I could say that it was due to some type of nobility because I didn’t want to be relegated to some Caucasian cock experiment for her, but the reality is that it just didn’t work out because I didn’t find her attractive enough to debase myself like that. Had she been a petite redhead with pale skin? Captain White Dick to the rescue!

Adam Avitable's Tinder Profile

I know that women have it worse on dating sites. Women have to deal with men who are psychotically horny, predatory, and terrifying. My experiences can’t even compare – it’s like complaining about being hungry when there are people starving to death in third-world countries. So I get it, and women, on behalf of men everywhere, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this world of anonymity and filtered conversation through the Internet brings out the worst in many people. Do I date so that I can have sex? Sure – eventually. Maybe on that first date, maybe on a later one. Do I have dirty texting conversations? Of course I do, and more than that one time I almost accidentally sexted my mom instead of my girlfriend. Do I send dick pics? Absolutely, but there’s a time and place for everything, and that time is never when you first meet someone, and that place is never going to be in a conversation where you’re trying to get to know someone.

So I know I have no place to complain, since I am a man on a dating site, but fuck it. I’m going to complain a little. I’m sick of only seeing the weirdest segments of the population on dating sites. Yes, there are exceptions, from the strikingly attractive and creative Tampa photographer to the beautiful redheaded Orlando actress to the hard-working recruiter with the great smile, but we were never able to connect, and it’s the hundreds of others that I’ve had to contend with:


You don’t have to be a scholar. You don’t have to have a degree. You can misspell words and not understand possessive vs. contractions. I’ll still overlook it all if you have that spark of raw intelligence that might not demonstrate itself in the most obvious ways.

Maybe it’s just about showing some pride. Dating is about putting your best foot forward and making a good impression, then building upon that impression if you meet the person. Take some pride in what how you represent yourself and you’ll attract a better class of person. I just can’t see taking the time to try to translate your profile if you can’t be bothered to learn how to spell words like “you” or “the”.


From an actual message I received:

My husband and I have a beautiful relationship based on mutual love and trust. We are open to other relationships with people because we see it as only an enhancement to our lives, as individuals and as a couple.

What? Okay, I get it if you are a woman who wants to bring another woman into a healthy relationship. It can add flavor and spice things up. And I understand if you’re in an unhappy relationship and you want to be with someone so you can feel loved and have a few moments of happiness while you try to build the strength to end your toxic situation.  But if you have a beautiful relationship based on mutual love and trust, why do you want to introduce others into it? It’s not going to enhance shit. All that usually means is that one person in the relationship has all the power and isn’t mature enough to commit fully to someone else, but their partner is too wrapped around a finger to disagree, so they throw around bullshit phrases like “open relationships enhance our lives”.

Plus, I’m way too competitive and narcissistic to be the third wheel in the tricycle of a polyamorous relationship. I’ll try anything once, but I don’t want to have sloppy seconds in any situation.


Seriously. You’re trying too hard.


I don’t expect everyone to be as self aware as I am. I’ve spent years learning about me and learning who I am and what makes me happy. I know my destructive behaviors in and out and I’m aware of my motivations when I take any action.

But I would expect someone to be aware enough to realize that the blurry photo she posted in the stained white T-shirt sitting on the couch in the most unflattering pose I’ve ever witnessed might not be the best profile photo for a dating site. I understand – I really do – that we all want someone who will still love us when we look our worst just as much as when we look our best, but how about taking some fucking baby steps?

I think I deserve a cookie for not posting any screenshots I’ve taken of some of the awful profile photos I’ve seen. I don’t want to body-shame (it’s more like face-shame), because everyone’s beautiful for his or her own reason. BUT IF YOU COULD SEE SOME OF THESE PICTURES YOU’D DIE BUT LIKE LITERALLY DIE BECAUSE I THINK THESE PICTURES MAY CAUSE STROKES AND HEART CONDITIONS.


Already tried to have sex with you/didn’t work out or we had sex/decided to end things and stayed friends or we have a fwb situation/it still happens but we will never date.


Then there’s just the rest of the people out there on the big ol’ Internet who are looking for love but who don’t have that sense of humor, look in their eyes, spark of personality, tilt of the head, sense of style, body type, goofy smile, or whatever else grabs my attention and makes me want to know more.

I know what I like.

I know what I don’t.

And in the end it’s all about just having faith that eventually what I like matches someone and what she likes matches me, and we hit it off and have a spark and really feel a connection and she never says something like “you’ll be my first white dick” before we can consummate our relationship.


Leave a Reply