Do you have a fear of flutes? Aulophobia.
Does a bratwurst give you anxiety? Teutophobia.
Terrified of virgins? Parthenophobia.
There are literally hundreds of phobias. But as we become more and more connected as a global society and with the advent of new technology and new social behaviors and activities, there is a whole new crop of phobias that haven’t even been documented. Until now. I present to you:
Dr. Adam Heath Avitable’s Phobias for the Twenty-First Century
Sundayfundayproofophobia: The fear of what your children will find years from now when they Google your name
Allcapsaphobia: Anxiety caused from the uncertainty of what any of your older relatives will comment on your Facebook posts
Skynethomicidaphobia: A fear that you will be caught committing a crime by the Google Maps car
LGBWTFophobia: The fear of offending someone by accidentally referring to them by the wrong gender
iFlushaphobia: Fear of dropping your phone in a public toilet while playing a game.
Carrrrrllllllllphobia: Fear of the zombie apocalypse
Laundrydayaphobia: Anxiety caused by going out in public and being photographed for the People of Walmart site
Numberinacirclophobia: Anxiety caused by having unread notifications and unread emails
Peebeearrraphobia: The fear of hipsters
Pseudoexercisaphobia: Fear of mud runs and color runs
Foreveralonaphobia: The fear of accidentally swiping left on a good profile on Tinder
Foxnewsaphobia: Anxiety induced from having a black President
Mexicasiatexafrenchinesitalianaphobia: A fear of fusion restaurants
Trendsheepaphobia: Fear of people who insist they have a gluten allergy
Duckfaciaphobia: The fear that you’re going to take an unflattering selfie
Needmygameofthronesfixaphobia: Anxiety caused when you can’t get your friend’s dad’s buddy’s uncle’s daughter’s friend’s grandmother’s HBO Go password to work
Boobapaloozaphobia: The fear that you will accidentally send a nude snapchat to everyone
Whydoesshehatemephobia: The anxiety when your FB message has been marked “Seen” four hours ago but you haven’t received a reply
Urbandictionariaphobia: Anxiety caused by not knowing or understanding the latest trendy fake words like “fleek” and “thot”
Siriyoubitchaphobia: The fear that your phone will autocorrect your innocuous text into something offensive
Avitaphobia: The fear that Adam Avitable will post yet another naked picture somewhere on the Internet.
Thanks to Ree for the inspiration to write this post!
What new phobias do you foresee?