Thank you to everyone who signed up for a 2015 Avitable Christmas card this past year. It has become my new tradition to send out a card with a handwritten message to every person who requests one, and it has become my goal to surpass each year’s numbers exponentially.
Last year, I sent out 420 cards to people throughout 11 different countries. This year, I almost doubled that number, sending out cards to 718 people in 15 countries: Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Canada, France, Germany, Iceland, Poland, Scotland, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, The Netherlands, the United Kingdom, and of course, the United States, where residents in 44 states signed up for a card. Wow!
I haven’t really been celebrating the holidays, and now I realize that might be due partially to the fact that I spent three solid weeks writing messages on each card and stuffing and sealing envelopes. It was a project, but one that I absolutely love, and I hope to keep doing it every year, even if we break a thousand cards, which seems very possible. Next year’s goal will be 25 countries, and all 50 states!
What was the card I sent out? Well, it was a really simple concept I had – what if a couple took nice Christmas photos and ordered cards, and then broke up before Christmas? Would you still send them out, but just make some minor alterations? And this was the answer:
The original text on the card said “Adam, Alex and Phoebe wish you best wishes for this wonderful holiday season. May you experience nothing but love, happiness, and joy for the future.”
The revised text said “Adam wishes you somebody who won’t break your heart for this awful and depressing holiday season. May you experience nothing but somebody who won’t crush you under her heel right before the holidays even though you said you’d change but she doesn’t think you can stop eating bacon for every meal.”
The photo was completely staged, and the “devil woman” and “stupid dog who broke my heart too” were just my roommate Alex and a fake dog from Google Images, respectively. Thank you to Alex for letting me use her as a prop, and I apologize to anyone who felt bad for me. For those of you who thought that maybe I was using an old picture of me and my ex-wife, or that this was real, I would never do that to a real person. It’s petty and awful, and I’m not that type of person. But now I know a lot more about your character, you evil, evil fucker.
I wrote a variety of messages on the back of the cards, including asking my girlfriend to write whatever she wanted, and then I would apologize in the post-script after the signature as if she were my assistant. Here were the top three messages, though there were many different variations:
3. May your holidays be as awesome as you are, filled with love and happiness, and free from shitty relatives.
2. Have a happy holidays! You know, if you want. It’s up to you. I can’t control you. Whatever.
1. May this season’s blessings touch you with the power of a million uncles.
Thank you again to everyone who requested a card. Thank you even more to everyone who sent one back! And thank you in advance to everyone who has decided to get me a gift for my birthday on January 26th, in only 24 days!
This is a series which will be my attempt to write something every single day of 2016 here on Avitable.com. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!