There is a bulleted list that is purportedly the unofficial Goldman Sachs guide to being a man, and I say purportedly, because half of it feels like sarcasm or satire, but I’m going to treat it as if it’s a legitimate guide that someone at Goldman Sachs thinks is how a man should be in the 21st century. Hell, even if it’s not a Goldman Sachs guide to being a man, it’s mostly awful anyway, so I’m reposting the list here, with my responses in bold:
- Stop talking about where you went to college.
But don’t forget to talk about how much money you make.
- Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
That way, you can stroke your cock every time you reach in that pocket to tip someone who does something for you that you won’t do for yourself because you’re a Goldman Sachs Man.
- Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
I think khakis have been out for a while. But your answer is jeans?
- It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
Translated: do coke.
- The best public restrooms are in hotels: The St. Regis in New York, Claridge’s in London, The Fullerton in Singapore, to name a few.
This tip seems more appropriate for the Goldman Sachs guide to being homeless.
- Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.
And never eat after midnight unless you want to turn into a Gremlin.
- You will regret your tattoos.
Unless you get something that means a lot to you and is a unique expression of your individuality. You will, however, regret that tribal shit.
- Never date an ex of your friend.
But it’s okay to fuck them.
- Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
You’re already your own curator of information, when you choose what you want to read and what you don’t want to. Join Twitter if you want to get into arguments 140 characters at a time.
- If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
Why is someone’s value related to whether or not they eschew a car for public transportation?
- Time is too short to do your own laundry.
No, it’s not. In fact, doing laundry takes less than five minutes – you put the loads in, you change the loads, and then you fold/hang up your clothes. It literally takes more time to drop off your laundry with someone, and then go in and pay for it and pick it up.
- When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
If you were a real Goldman Sachs man, you’d be a regular and the bartender would know your usual drink.
- If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
Or just wrap your entire body in tissue. I mean, God forbid you show any weakness or humanity with a little fucking sweat.
- You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.
And don’t forget to stroke your bat and balls every chance you get.
- When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
And sometimes when you go, you shouldn’t get naked and dance on the table and then accidentally shit in the fish tank, but hey, it’s worth trading in the possibility of your 80s and 90s for guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s, right?
- People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
The best way to be a man is to be the nihilist drunk guy.
- When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
You know, unless she says no, or isn’t interested, or hasn’t shown any body language that indicates she wants to be kissed, or you’ve been drinking and your judgment is impaired or she’s with someone else.
- Tip more than you should.
I support this one, but only because servers make shitty money except for tips. This guide wants you to do it so that you can impress someone with how much money you tip.
- You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
Like talking on it. Who uses it to talk?
- Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
So. Wait. You should buy expensive sunglasses because women are superficial and you want them to know that you’ll appreciate them like a $300 pair of sunglasses? Right.
- If you want a nice umbrella, bring a shitty one to church.
So you can steal a nice one? Why not just spend some of that money you have because you always keep cash in your front pocket and you tip really well and buy expensive sunglasses and buy a nice umbrella? Or do shallow women not love umbrellas?
- Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
But make sure you wear a fucking undershirt because nobody wants to see you sweat.
- Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home.
Translation: Don’t worry about being a dad. It’s more important to get drunk on a Sunday afternoon with the boys. Your superficial wife will take care of the kids for you. Drink another one!
- Be a regular at more than one bar.
And leave Rusty and Junior at home.
- Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
Very true – you wouldn’t want to ever be filled with wonder and amazement at doing something new that you’d never yet experienced. That’s something that people who ride the bus and superficial women who hate umbrellas do.
- A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.
Unless it’s after three shots of Jager. Like a man.
- It’s better if old men cut your hair. Ask for Sammy at the Mandarin Oriental Barbershop in Hong Kong. He can share his experiences of the Japanese occupation, or just give you a copy of Playboy.
And hopefully, the older he gets, his hands will shake and he’ll cut off your ears one day. But as long as you have that Playboy!
- Learn how to fly-fish.
Time is too short to fish for yourself.
- No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
Or a beautiful man. Because, you know, men can be gay too. You could also take photos of yourself so that people can appreciate you for you, not for your hot friends.
- Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
A potato gun made out of a PVC pipe will do as well. Anything that can be a solid symbol of the throbbing cock you’re overcompensating for.
- There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
See, if you can be content with your life, you are always better off than anyone who follows this guide.
- You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
Buy drinks first, rape later. Got it.
- Ask for a salad instead of fries.
Or you can sacrifice the potential of your 80s and 90s for guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s and have a fucking french fry.
- Don’t split a check.
Unless, of course, you’re with someone else and you’re each paying for your own drinks or meals. Like at the bi-weekly brunch with the boys while Rusty and Junior stay with your superficial umbrella-hating sunglass-loving wife who said yes to you because you were buying the drinks.
- Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
NO THEY DON’T. MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.
- Cobblers will save your shoes. So will shoe trees.
So will $2 flip flops.
- When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
Conditioning at its weirdest.
- The cliché is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.
And not doing your own laundry. Of course.
- Be spontaneous.
And then facilitate the fuck out of that spontaneity. WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS.
- Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
Of course she does. She’s a woman. Women *gasp* have personalities and some women are going to be professional and polite in society and be uninhibited in bed. And some won’t. That’s what people do! Just don’t get a Courier New in the streets and a Helvetica in the sheets, because you’ll probably get stabbed.
- Piercings are liabilities in fights.
Like you’ve ever been in a fight in your life that didn’t involve two grown men slapping at each other like children.
- Do not use an electric razor, use instead a safety razor.
But what if it’s an expensive one? And Sammy the barber is too old so he might cut your throat, but you want your shallow Wingdings of a wife to appreciate your expensive electric razor so she’ll watch Rusty and Junior while you get shitfaced with your boys every other week?
- Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
If they’re for women, why would you mind that she’s eating yours? Wouldn’t she think you’re a cheap bastard because you won’t order two desserts? That’s almost as bad as splitting the check.
- Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
Unless you’re not a perpetual groomsmen who will never find someone who is superficial enough to love how you treat your sunglasses and how much you tip so she’ll marry you.
- One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
Unless you see a beautiful woman sitting alone. Then go for it, champ!
- Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.
And your socks should be ironed and hung up in order of color so you can pick the best one to jerk off into.
- Throw parties.
But have someone else clean up the next day.
That’s why you had Rusty and Junior, right?
- You may only request one song from the DJ.
But make sure you tip well, unless nobody’s around to see, in which case, don’t bother.
- Measure yourself only against your previous self.
Because your future self is a huuuuuuge douchecannon.
- Take more pictures. With a camera.
But not selfies, and only with beautiful women, and if you don’t have a camera, you can use the state-of-the-art camera that’s on your phone, unless you’re using your phone for all the wrong reasons.
- Place-dropping is worse than name-dropping.
Glass dropping is even worse.
- When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them.
And spend money to acquire their work.
But make sure you ooze with ingenuine praise when you do it.
- Your clothes do not match. They go together.
Especially the tuxedo, which you should wear for every meal if it’s after 5 PM because you’re not a farmer, Lemon. #30RockReference #SuckMyNut
- Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
But make sure you only buy one fucking dessert, which is of course, for superficial umbrella-hating, sunglass-loving, party-cleaning up, laundry-doing, Rusty and Junior-watching women.
- Staying angry is a waste of energy.
So is trying to follow a guide on how to be a douche.
- Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
It can also be a great way to show that you have the maturity of a small child.
- If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
So, just do more coke.
- Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
Unless it’s an intervention.
- Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
Unless you’ve been out past midnight for three midnights in a row, in which case you’ve already failed as a man, so you should just eat some dessert and find someone who appreciates a pair of expensive sunglasses.
- Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life. There may still be a mortally wounded Russian mobster roaming the woods of south Jersey, but we’ll never know.
Psychology is for women, so you should just order one and pretend you don’t care if she gets closure.
- If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
Also, if you’re not 22.
- Drink outdoors.
And during the day.
And sometimes by yourself.
Oops – this belongs in the Goldman Sachs Guide To Being An Alcoholic by 25.
- Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
And that’s why you were on the bus in the first place. FORESHADOWING.
- If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
Unless you’re in a velvet rope store. Then tip double.
- You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
Just like your wife.
- Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious. Cut it out with the vintage Polo and that ’83 Wagoneer in Nantucket.
Caring what other people think to the degree that you worry about pretending to be unpretentious is even worse, unless, of course, you see a pretty woman sitting alone. Then, tip double.
- The New Yorker is not high-brow. Neither is The Economist.
But Playboy is, as long as an old man in a barber shop hands it to you.
- If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
Since evolution is a scientific principle, like gravity, not a faith system, how about you just pop your head out of your tuxedo-wearing ass.
- No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
Unless you’re with a real human being who cares about your feelings, in which case if someone says something truly offensive, you should stand up for yourself.
- Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
Maybe you should buy an even more expensive pair of sunglasses first.
- Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
You should already be a regular anyway. In fact, they probably call you “Sad Johnny” because you come in with your tuxedo and your umbrella and sunglasses and you drink and order a salad, get rejected by pretty women sitting alone, and then tip wayyy too much.
- Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading …”
Reading isn’t borrowing someone else’s brain. It’s entertaining and educating yourself. If you want to borrow someone else’s brain, you ask for their fucking opinion.
- Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
Unless you’re at home, then they’re probably coming from little Rusty and Junior and your umbrella-hating, sunglass-loving, superficial wife, in which case, ignore them and go to brunch with the boys.
- Hookers aren’t cool, and remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
The free ones? You mean, the women you rape when you buy the drinks so you can get away with a lot more? Those?
- Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
And never say “Understanding that life is a journey and we don’t always have control over everything, so sometimes it is what it is, and I’m healthy and okay with that.”
- Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.
Or, you know, a college fund. Or just spend time with your kids. Or both.
- Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.
And only go to casinos run by old white men, because everyone else isn’t worthy of your tuxedo-wearing, brunch-eating, Playboy-reading, douchecannon of a self.
- Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”
Corollary: “Except this guide, of course. Obey these rules. Just not the other ones.”
And finally, without further ado, here’s
Avitable’s Guide to Being a Man:
- Respect others.
- Be honest and open.
- Don’t judge anyone.
- Treat everyone like you want to be treated.
- Give more than you take.
This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!