Adam Avitable is a stand-up comedian

The Roast

Tomorrow morning at 8 AM, I’m walking into the local offices of a national payroll company, and sitting in their sales meeting. At some point, the regional manager is going to introduce me as a motivational speaker, there to help them make the most out of their most challenging quarter.

And then I’m going to roast the sales staff. You know, the random group of people I’ve never met, who have no idea that I’m a comedian or that I’m doing this on purpose. To them, I’ll just be a fat guy in a black shirt who starts insulting them.

I’ll start with the managers, of course. They’re in on it. They spent almost two hours on a conference call with me telling me details about their staff and each other.  “He’s a primadonna.” “She’s stubborn as hell.” “We call him Wheezy because he can’t breathe right.”

And maybe when the sales representatives see that the managers are laughing as I roast the three of them, they’ll get  that it’s not really a motivational presentation. And hopefully when I turn my sights on the reps themselves, it’ll be funny and they’ll all understand and have a good laugh. They’ll enjoy the somewhat gentle ribbing at their expense by this guy who they don’t know, even though he knows all about their little foibles and quirks.

Or maybe it’ll be the weirdest, most awkward, most terrible 15-20 minutes of all of our lives. Like bad sex, but with less nudity and a lot more sweating and body shaming.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Comedian Adam Avitable performing stand-up

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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