Martin Luther Avitable

Back about eight years ago I wrote a post where I showed exactly how similar Martin Luther King, Jr., and I am. And I thought today would be a good day to revisit it and see how things have changed. Here’s a new guide to telling the subtle differences between me and the good Reverend himself:

Martin Luther King, Jr. . . Adam Heath Avitable . . .
Was a Baptist minister with a doctorate in systematic theology, which he used to preach, inspire, and educate. Is an ordained minister with a doctorate in jurisprudence, which he uses to roast people at their own weddings.
Founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, a group created to harness the moral authority and organizing power of black churches to conduct non-violent protests in the service of civil rights reform. Lives at the Avitable Camp for Wayward Women and is surrounded by many powerful women who forge their own paths. And also tend to be naked a lot.
Was inspired by meeting Mahatma Gandhi in India. Got a boner when he met Mark Hamill in Los Angeles.
Caused fear in the US government to such a degree that the FBI tapped his phones for six years and kept detailed, monitored surveillance on him. Caused fear in his friends on Facebook to such a degree that they’re terrified to click anything he posts on the off chance that he’ll be naked again.
Led the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. Leads the March To Find Avitable A Beautiful Ginger To Date.
Spoke strongly against the United States’ role in the Vietnam War, turning the media against him. Compared himself with a famous assassinated black leader, turning everyone against him.
Was shot by an assassin’s bullet in a hotel in Memphis in 1968, ending a career that could have resulted in even more sweeping sociological change in our society. Will probably be killed by continuing to eat too much bacon, ending a career that could have resulted in even more fat male nudity.


See? We’re basically the same dude! I even have my own speech, too:

I have a dream that one day bacon will grow on trees, and I will have those trees in my yard, and I will eat from them daily.

I have a dream that one day people who stand behind “culture and heritage” and “the good old days” to sow hatred and bigotry will choke on a bag of dicks.

I have a dream that one day our society will become less uptight, and topless women will be free to walk around everywhere without persecution, especially if I am nearby.

I have a dream that redheads will flourish and grow strong, and pluck me from my world to lead them to glory and lots of boning.

I have a dream today!

I had one dream about this time I was flying naked and then there were zombies and Kesha was there, but that dream is way too explicit to share with you now.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every person on this great land will be able to pronounce “Avitable” properly because I will have made my impact into the global consciousness, and then everyone will find this post and see that I predicted it and I’m kinda like fuckin’ Nostradamus.

I have a dream today!

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

Enter your email address:


One thought on “Martin Luther Avitable”

  1. I am stoked you’re dedicating more time with your blog. It is where I first “met” you and I’m being a sensitive ninny about it. I think I’ve followed your online presence for something like a decade. Meh too much sentimentality. Go fuck yourself….just keep writing.

Leave a Reply