President Obama as the Real Slim Shady

The Real Slim Barry

Originally published a few years ago, this Eminem parody took way too much of my time to write, and today, as I sit hungover at my computer and just want to go to bed at 10:00 instead of doing anything productive, I think it’s a good time to let it shine once again. The year was 2009, and we were about to see the inauguration of our first black President. This time next year, we’ll be swearing in a new President, whoever he or she is, but January 20, 2009 was an historic day for anyone who considers themselves an American. The original post, for your reading pleasure:

As a super A-list rock-star blogger, I have access to all types of cool information that none of you unwashed masses have. For example, I get to see TV shows three weeks before they air, and I even already know who wins this season’s Bachelor!

My biggest coup so far, though, is that I have the full, unedited text of Barack Obama’s inauguration speech that he will be giving today (Tuesday) at noon. I can’t reveal my sources, but suffice it to say that they risked life and limb to get me this uncensored copy of his upcoming highly anticipated inauguration speech. Without further ado:

My fellow Americans:

May I have your full, undivided attention please?

May I have your attention please?

As President Barack Obama, I stand up before you. I repeat, as an American citizen who loves his country, I stand up.

We have many problems to discuss today.

Until today, you have never seen an African American President before. Is it a momentous occasion on par with Rosa Parks’ arrest? With Martin Luther King, Jr.’s assassination? I think so. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “He didn’t just say what I think he did, did he?” But I did, without being immodest. Dr. King once said . . . well, he never spoke on an issue like this, and unfortunately, of course, Dr. King is dead. But we can only imagine how he would appreciate and relish this moment in history.

This is a step forward for women, too. My fellow American women, I know that originally, many of you said to yourself, “Look at him, walking around, grabbing the primary from you-know-who.” And switching parties and supporting Sarah Palin simply because she was a woman might have been a bit crazy, but it’s no worse than what goes on in each of our heads when a victory is lost. But let me be as frank as I can be with you. Sometimes, I would like to appear on TV and just let loose, but I can’t, even in a world where it’s okay for Sarah Palin to kill a moose. “A pitbull with lipstick. A pitbull with lipstick.” We delivered a message to adults and children that rather than discussing the issues that are both obvious and hidden, we would rely on shallow attacks and frivolous mud slinging.

But, in the end, the American people weren’t fooled and they saw what was happening to this country. Through intelligent discourse, even our children can discover how to channel their energy into participating in concepts of fairness and equality. Never forget that we are more than mammals, but we are still a society who is cannibalizing ourselves while cutting out important resources. There will be a day when we all have rights, when a man and another man can elope, and I feel like I have the antidote to the illness that our great country has.

George W. Bush is no longer accountable for the financial troubles that face us. I am, and that means that I’m well aware of the struggle I’ll be facing. I’ll have to harden myself to criticism – while it may seem like I’m the media darling right now, half of America didn’t want me to be President, let alone want me to remain an American. But now that I have won, I have to move past the concept of celebrity status, where I am compared to Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, and grow above that. As a result, I have figured which issues need to be addressed head-on first and will proceed thusly.

Women and men, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, let’s cease the gossiping and in-fighting. I’m sick of all of you special interest groups and extremist views distracting this country from being as great as it should be. As President, I will be bipartisan and destroy the idea that a Democrat and a Republican cannot work together. And hopefully, this will spawn a million other people just like me. Who cross lines like me, who don’t care what party you’re in, who think and act like me. This might be a great thing for America.

I’m not afraid to say some things that you might not want to hear. You might joke about this with your friends in your living room, but here I am putting it all in front of you, without being false or sugarcoating anything. And even if you don’t like what I’m going to say, please know that I am not like other politicians. I will tell you the truth and I want you to trust me.

It’s a funny thing, being President. I have four years to accomplish something that will take ten. I am confident, however, that my goals and my plans and my pride and patriotism will inspire each and every one of you, from the teenager working at Burger King to the woman driving through the parking lot, and I am confident that there is a President Barack Obama lurking in each of you.

So, will the real President Barack Obama please stand up?
And please raise each of your hands up?
And be proud to be an American and proud to say what he or she thinks without repercussion?

I’m the real Barack Obama. And so are you. And you. You’re not just imitating. So when I ask for the real Barack Obama to please stand up, that means please stand up!

(wait for applause)

Apologies to sir M. Mathers.

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32 Replies to “The Real Slim Barry”

  1. deb

    There’s a million blogger but none just like you
    who cuss like you; who just don’t give a fuck like you
    who dress like you; walk, talk and act like you
    and just might be the next best thing … but u not quite me!

  2. Redneck Mommy

    Fucking brilliant. *stands up on her chair and tosses you her bra*

    Way better than the wet pussy post I wrote. heh.

    You can cannibalize me anytime.

    *falls off her chair but yells from the beer soaked floor and yells out for you to autograph her boobs.*

  3. Lisa

    This part made me laugh out loud:

    “Sometimes, I would like to appear on TV and just let loose, but I can’t, even in a world where it’s okay for Sarah Palin to kill a moose.”

    Awesome. =)

  4. Nobody™

    I’m with Britt, you need to sing this! Encore! Encore!

    One little thing that’s bugging me though. It’s not “ado”, it’s “adieu”. I know, I know, you did it on purpose so as not to confuse the unwashed masses! :lmao:

  5. Grant

    I’m seriously disappointed that he didn’t reveal that he is secretly a radical muslim fundie by riding up on a camel while swinging a sword over his head and shouting “Death to Israel!” Or maybe he will before the speech begins.

  6. Avitable

    Amanda, but Eminem never said “main street”!

    Rick, you can wash my feet if you want.

    Deb, I think you have to pay me royalties now.

    Redneck Mommy, bra, boobs, eating, pussy – I think you win for best comment.

    Lisa, it seemed to flow so well from the original song.

    Poppy, sacre bleu!

    Turnbaby, I should have. Damn.

    LeSombre, you mean, that was the shiznit.

    Robin, I just saved everyone hours of time.

    NYCWD, you would look great with some nice diamond platinum grillz.

    Blondefabulous, not too slim shady, you mean.

    Britt, do you remember the last time I tried to sing this song?

    BE Earl, exactly!

    Nobody, I emailed you, but it’s actually “ado”. 🙂

    Robin, put your hands in the air like you just don’t caaaaare. Duh.

    Finn, the real deal, yup.

    Grant, that would have been outstanding.

    Sheila, mine too.

    Sybil, chigga chigga chigga.

    Girl, Dislocated, Bloglines has been having an issue with Feedburner. You need to switch to Google Reader.

    Jessica, he couldn’t afford me!

    Twinkie, yeah, it’s that one slightly crazy chick with the boobs.

  7. Nobody™

    I even googled “ado” before I posted my first comment, thinking that you couldn’t possibly make such a dumb ass mistake and I had to be wrong.
    Well, I WAS wrong, as you well know. I stand corrected.

  8. John

    “…I have four years to accomplish something that will take ten.”

    Yes, I’m looking WAAYYYY out there, but I’m confident he’ll have eight years to accomplish what will take ten. The 80/20 rule should apply. : )

    Cool speech dude.

  9. whall

    Great speech, but I don’t think Obama’s the kind of guy who will do what he says. I think he’s the kind of guy who will do what is popular. And when a poll indicates something other than his previously staunch stance, his stance will change.

    Yes we can, hope he changes.

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