I’m sitting here with my buddy, comedian Mike Brocki, who’s in town from Charleston. The conversation always turns to comedy – best shows, worst venues, terrible comedians, and, of course, the positive and negative things that we hear from audience members after a show that make us hate the world with a dragony Sean Connery-voiced passion or love the world with a James-Bondy Sean Connery-fueled passion.
Here are the worst things any audience member can say to a comedian after a show (along with our replies):
- Here’s a joke my uncle tells. Maybe you can use it in your skit.
If I wanted to tell a bunch of hacky racist jokes, I’d just listen to MY uncle. And it’s not called a skit. It’s a set. A SET.
- I liked the one you told about [wrong joke].
Maybe if you hadn’t been on your phone the whole night, you wouldn’t have confused my material with the one told by the skinny gay black comedian.
- My girlfriend thought you were great.
I’d say that at least one of you has taste, but then again, she’s dating YOU.
- Just keep at it.
- You should watch [famous comedian] and try to do what he does.
Yeah? You think I should do that instead of watch the audience and see how they respond to my material and adjust it accordingly? It all makes sense now!
- Will you take my photo with the other comedian?
No. I hope you drive your car into a concrete embankment at high speeds.
- [after complimenting everyone else] Hey, you weren’t bad either.
I hope you’re in the car too.
- You shouldn’t say that [offensive word or touchy topic].
You shouldn’t say THAT.
- What’s your real job?
What’s a job?
- My friends tell me I’m hilarious.
- If you could follow me around, you would have so much material.
No, I wouldn’t. Your life is NOTHING.
- Do you write your own material?
Yes. I also tie my own shoes and wipe my own ass.
- Do you validate parking?
I hope you’re in the car with the other two.
- If I did comedy, I would just say whatever comes into my head.
Yes. Please do that. I want to see it. I’ll bring the popcorn.
- I wasn’t heckling, I was trying to help.
No, you were trying to impress your friends with your wit, failing miserably, and becoming a contender for Douchebag of the Year. Helping would have been sitting there, watching the material I’ve spent years working on, and either laughing or not laughing. I don’t care which.
- Do you get paid for this?
Not nearly enough to deal with you.
And the best things any audience member can say to a comedian after a show (along with our replies):
- Great job!
- I really enjoyed it!
- You were really funny!
- Can I buy some of your merchandise?
- Will you have sex with my wife while I watch?
Not again! But sure!
- I want to come back and bring my friends.
- You remind me of [good famous comedian].
- I didn’t realize how funny people could be even if they’re not famous?
- Would you like a blowjob?
- I was having a shitty day and you made my day.
- I’m so glad I came out tonight.
Keep this in mind to ensure that you have a great comedy-going experience and don’t end up driving into a concrete embankment! Right, Mike?
This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!