Total Zen Float

My return to Total Zen Float: the 5 best ways to make the most out of your sensory deprivation experience

After my first visit to Casselberry’s Total Zen Float, I was excited to go back, and what better time than my birthday week? This time, I was prepared for the 90-minute session in the sensory deprivation tank, floating in the buoyant water alone with my thoughts.

About to get into the sensory deprivation tank
About to get into the sensory deprivation tank
Look, I'm in outer space!
Look, I’m in outer space!

This time, I relaxed my body, focused my breathing, and let go for an hour and a half. And now that I’m done, as I sit here, almost feeling too chill to actually type anything, I wanted to pass on what I’ve learned.

Here are five ways for you, dear reader, to make the most of your sensory deprivation experience:

  • Ommagahditherts Meditation
    Before you go in to the place where you’ll be experiencing zen bliss, break a bunch of glass into very small pieces, then lay it down on a towel outside. Strip naked, and then lay down on the glass, allowing it to make thousand of tiny microincisions in your back, buttocks, and legs. Then, when you climb into the tank, the pain from the salt in the water will be so overwhelming that you’ll immediately start crying, expelling all of the toxins in your body through your tear ducts, and the session will feel like it’s lasted foever as you traveled on a journey to the world where the pain never ends.
  • Taikawandown Meditation
    Once in the tank, clear your mind. Look into the great black expanse in front of you. Picture a giant wall of nothingness, and imagine 99 cylindrical containers of brewed yeast and hops. Begin to take one of those containers down, pass it around, and only 98 should remain. Continue until no objects remain. If needed, you can sing along as well.
  • Jenn’ital Manipulation Meditation
    Basically, with this one, you just use your hands to pleasure yourself for the entire session. Kill two birds with one stone.
  • Uhnntzuhnntz Boohtsunpantz Meditation
    In some situations, you might need help to properly relax your mind, and there are soothing sounds that can make a real difference. Buy a waterproof speaker, connect it by Bluetooth to your phone, drop the speaker in the tank, and select any playlist that contains any of the following words: “BEATZ, TECHNO, BLAST, BOOTY-SHAKIN, THUMP, BASS, or CLUB”. Turn the volume up as high at it will go and prepare to enter a state of zen.
  • Takyeela Shakra Meditation
    Fast for three days before your session. In the room, strip down, shower to rinse off any natural oils and dirt, and then do six straight shots of Jose Cuervo and dive into the tank. Focus all of your energy on how powerful and strong you feel, and how you should rob a bank and oh god you’re going to yak. Don’t yak.

The Zen Float Tank

With one of these five methods, you too can make the most out of your experience in a sensory deprivation tank. I encourage you to contact Total Zen Float for your first experience, because they are warm and comforting and won’t kick you out when you burst out of the room naked and run down the hall yelling “THERE ARE SPIDERS UNDER MY SKIN” just to fuck with people in the waiting room.

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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