The earth is flat and other things B.o.B. believes

B.o.B. is a 27-year old recording artist who has decided to educate the rest of the world that the Earth is in fact, flat. Using many visual examples that show exactly why he went into music instead of something requiring a high school diploma, Bobby Ray Simmons, Jr., a name that certainly belongs to someone whose opinion you could trust, has blown up the Internet with his theories on Earth, space, the Holocaust, and human cloning.

But that’s not all. I’ve also found his journals, filled with hastily scribbled notes about thousands of other theories that he challenges in all of his sweaty, ranty idiocy:

What else does B.o.B believe?

  • Nobody actually uses the metric system. It was invented by the Illuminati to keep the focus on the United States and ensure an atmosphere of distrust directed towards anyone who says the word “liters”.
  • Mark Zuckerberg is a clone of Jesus spliced with Bill Gates, which means that he will usher in the end of the world.
  • Morton Salt is actually owned by German conglomerate K+S, and for years, they have been digging up mass graves and grinding up the bones in order to keep up with the demand for more salt in our food.
  • There really is only one person on Earth with an HBO Go password that we’re all using.
  • Selfies are not selfies, but wormholes that show our reflection in another universe where our doppelganger is also looking at his or her phone at that exact moment. That’s why the image is flipped, and when you try to take a picture but it doesn’t work, it’s because your doppelganger just died.
  • If we wanted to travel back in time, all we have to do is spin the Earth backwards fast enough.
  • Women don’t actually have orgasms. All women are actually biological robots who are planning to take over the world, and they view orgasms as moments of weakness. Any man who has told you that he has witnessed it only saw an elaborate acting job, and any woman who tells you she has had one is lying to protect their ultimate plan.
  • 911 happened, but the buildings were actually made from Legos.
  • Paul McCartney has been dead since the late 1960s, and he was replaced by his brother, Gunnar McCartney. There are clues in certain songs by the Beatles, including lyrics that say “This isn’t Paul, it’s Gunnar” and “RIP Paul” and the beloved Beatles song titled “Paul’s Body is Frozen in a Vat in the Garage.”
  • Snow is actually cocaine that’s sent from CIA weather satellites to get us all addicted.
  • The Middle Ages never existed, and we’ve been wrong about what date it’s been for our entire lives. It’s actually the 1700s, and we know it’s true because if the Middle Ages had existed, we would have uncovered at least one dragon by now.
  • Highlander was non-fiction, and Sean Connery is an Immortal.
  • If you play every episode of The Simpsons in a row, backwards in alphabetical order by the title of the episode, you’ll see an Illuminati blueprint for the takeover of the entire world through the manufacture and sale of FitBits that are actually mental control devices.
  • All dolphins are actually aliens and they abduct and brainwash humans into becoming exclusively herbivores. This is in anticipation of the end of the world when the dolphins will be taking a select few of us to their new planet that is purely plant-based. This explains the recent proliferation of vegans in today’s society.
  • The moon really is made from cheese. Gouda, in fact.

Crazy train has arrived at the station. All aboard!

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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