About Me

I am Adam Heath Avitable.  Avitable is indeed my last name, and it is pronounced “uh-VIT-uh-bull”.  You can remember it with this mnemonic:  ”It is inevitable that the inimitable Avitable is available.”

This is my website, which means that unless otherwise attributed, the words on here are mine and mine alone, and cannot be used without permission.  Also, most of what I write is parody, unless I’m talking about my deteriorating emotional state after my divorce as I enter what is clearly a mid-life crisis in my mid-thirties.

In addition to owning a successful career consulting business, I write for several websites, currently in the fields of satire and pop culture, and I am a public speaker and stand-up comedian.  For all questions regarding advertising, hiring, booking, or if you need a fat, hairy male stripper, please use the contact form.

And now, some real answers to fake questions.

Q:  Who is Adam Heath Avitable?

A:  I haven’t a clue, but I asked the Internet, and this is what they had to say.

 

Q:  Is it true that you’re related to the bogeyman?

A:  Yes.

Q:  How long have you had a presence on the Internet?

A: I have had Avitable.com since 1999 and have been updating it with posts and photos for the last twelve years.  It has evolved as blogging as evolved.

Q:  Can I send you presents/cookies/erotic photos/products to try out?

A:  Yes, you can.  My address is:  407 Silver Oak Ln, Altamonte Springs, FL 32701

Q:  I’m new to your site. Where should I start?

A:  I’d recommend the links on the right under the title “The One Where I”.  It’s a good mix of serious and funny posts that I’ve chosen since I started blogging.

Q:  How do you manage to interview all of those celebrities before they die?

A:  I don’t.  I interview them after they die.

Q:  Will you write a foreword for my book/speak at my graduation/sleep with my younger sister?

A:  Yes.  Contact me here.  Include pictures of your sister.

Q:  Are you really a lawyer?

A:  I graduated from Washington University in Saint Louis School of Law in 2001 with my Juris Doctoris.  I never took the Bar and I do not practice law, but that doesn’t stop me from providing unsolicited, completely inaccurate legal advice.

Q:  Are there any boundaries that you won’t cross?

A:  I will find humor in anything and everything.  Nothing is, nor should it be, sacred.  If you need proof of that, you can go here to see my Aristocrats joke.

Q:  I’m going to be in Orlando and would love to have dinner or drinks while I’m here.  Is that weird?

A:  Not at all.  The great thing about the Internet community is that we’re all just friends who haven’t met yet.  (Or lovers who haven’t humped yet.)  I love meeting up with new people, so just email me and we’ll set it up.

Q:  Why do you think you’re so awesome?  You’re not funny, you’re fat and ugly, and there are a million other sites on the Internet that are better than yours.

A:  Mom?

Q:  Are those your real balls, or are they stunt balls?

A:  You have my personal Adam Avitable guarantee that all testicles used in the holiday posts are the genuine article, photographed from between these two hairy legs right here.

Q:  What (if anything) do other people do or say that you find offensive? Is it possible for you to be offended?

A:  I’m offended by stupidity, by blind hatred, by ignorance.  But as far as humor is concerned, nothing offends me.  There is no line that is too far if it is funny.

Q:  Aren’t you worried about putting all of your information and your real name out there?  Why do you share so much of your personal life?

A:  It’s a risk, but over the last few years, I’ve made the conscious decision to be as open about my life as possible on my site, both for my benefit and that of my readers.  I don’t hold anything back, I work through issues that bother me, and I develop long-lasting relationships with people as a result of it.  I have yet to see a downside for putting myself on display, and even if there was one, I don’t think it would outweigh the amazing benefits.

Q:  Who will interview you after you die?

A:  I will. That interview has been done and is in my drafts, ready to be published in case of my unfortunate demise at the hands of angry topless female ninjas.

If there are any questions you have about me, leave them in the comments and I’ll add them to this page.  Unless they suck.