Archive for the ‘Avitable Gives Advice’ Category

Dear Avitable Weekly Column #1

Friday, December 11th, 2009

Last week I solicited advice questions for my new weekly advice column. I chose a few of the questions I received to answer in today's post, my inaugural advice column:

Blondefabulous asked:

Yesterday I blogged about being taken advantage of by my boss, (and not in the good way), and I need a good way to deal with this. She has no kids and no life so she doesn't think twice about working in to the night, but I got a Hot Hunky Hubby, family, and budding roller derby career to attend to! I tried the advice others gave in my comments to no avail. Short of going postal up in this bitch, how do I make her see that I can't do two different jobs at once? Also, how the hell do I get a clone so I can do everything should my boss continue to be obtuse??

Avitable answers: This is a very simple solution. You've obviously made yourself invaluable to her, and now you need to use that to your advantage. Tell her that you need to speak with her in private and then tell her that you're very happy working there. Tell her that you feel like you've been able to contribute to the business in a way that other employees don't. And then let her know that you feel like your responsibilities have reached a level that is no longer commensurate with the income you receive. Say "I would like us to examine my responsibilities and try to reach a solution that will prevent me from burning out, robbing you of a valuable asset, but also compensating me fairly for the work that I've been doing above and beyond my current role at the company."

And if that doesn't work, try the opposite approach. Start spending every waking second with her. Sneak into her house in the morning and make breakfast while she's in the shower. Create a small altar to her at work and include photos that you've stolen from her home. Ask her for a lock of her hair. When she walks by, smell the air really loudly and say "Mmmmmmmm". It won't take more than a week for her to decide that maybe you're spending too much time with her and she'll give you the space you need.

Becky asked:

Just a couple really quick questions.
1) WTF?

and
2) Why does Monday have such a bad rep?

Avitable answers: I'd have to write a treatise to answer your first question properly, invoking theories of chaos theory, fractal geometry and advanced quantum mechanics. All I can do is just give you the short answer: 39.

As for your second question, Monday has a bad reputation because Tuesday and Wednesday kept loaning Monday money for crazy investment idea after crazy investment idea. They were willing to overlook Monday's poor decision making until Friday saw Monday murder Swoosday for ten dollars and bury her under a bridge. After that, nobody wants to deal with Monday ever again. And now our weekends are only two days long instead of three. RIP, Swoosday.

And last, but most certainly not least, Nenette asks:

My deadbeat, unemployed, alcoholic former-BIL (let's call him Gus) recently got himself a dog, because he's lonely, and naturally needs another life to destroy with his stupidity and neglect. Anyway, he named this cute-but-dumb dog in honour of his favourite movie "This is Spinal Tap". Last week, Gus landed himself in the slammer (again!), and we are taking care of this dog. Correction, we WERE taking care of the dog until it jumped the fence and ran away.

Now, I find myself having to make "Have you seen this dog? Answers to the name 'Lick My Love Pump'" posters. And frankly I don't want to. Should I bother or should I let some kind soul turn him in to the Humane Society where he'll get adopted by someone who will give him a better life and a better name?

Avitable answers: Since the Humane Society also euthanizes dogs who don't get adopted quick enough, you risk Lick My Love Pump having his pump run dry before his time is up if you stand idly by. While you can't control Gus or try to teach him animal responsibility, you can lead by example. I suggest adopting Lick My Love Pump into your family and demonstrating how a stable family with little to no prison time (except for that one time that you streaked across that football field) might be a more appropriate setting to raise a cute but dumb dog. And if you don't know if you have room in your heart for a dog, I only have one thing to say: Crank it up to 11.

Do you need advice of the Avitable kind? Is there something you think Dear Abby can't handle? Leave your questions in the comments. If you already asked a question last week, don't worry – I'll still pick some from there too!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 17 Comments »

Ask Adam

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

Yesterday's post (along with the "We Can Fix Your Life" episodes of Clearly You're Retarded that Britt and I did) made me realize that I am probably destined to be a guru. I know the answers to everything and I always have sage advice that is always right. Someday I'll be famous for my advice and people will pay me millions to get the answers to their problems. For now, though, I'm offering it for free.

Use the comments or email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with any questions you have. Do you need advice about a relationship? Family problems? Insecurity about your job? Whatever ails you, I can help.

If the questions are good enough, I'll make this into a weekly or bi-weekly feature, so don't fail me now, people!

Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 25 Comments »

If Dear Abby had a set of testicles

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Way back in March, I helped the ladies of Cosmo. Now I'm focusing my genius and years of experience on the poor saps who write letters to Dear Abby.

STEAMED IN VAN NUYS asks:

For 20 years I have gone to considerable thought and expense to carefully select nice holiday cards to send to a varied client base. I have tried to be considerate and sensitive to any cultural and religious differences.

My Christian friends wanted explicitly religious cards, the Hanukkah cards were not religious enough, and the middle-of-the-road "Season's Greetings" were termed "wishy-washy secular." My own family is a feuding stew of different faiths.

This year? I've had it. I sent Thanksgiving cards with the following quote from Theodore Roosevelt: "Let us remember that as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds."

It bothers me that a simple delivery of good wishes was met with such a resounding show of bad manners and ill will, and I see no point in continuing. My mother says I expect too much of people and that this will backfire. I'm past caring and have no more cheeks left to turn. I agreed to abide by your advice. What say you?

Avitable answers: STEAMED, winter holiday cards are so passe. Try sending cards for Arbor Day, Guy Fawkes Day, or Hitler's birthday, and that way you can connect with your clients and friends without offending any of them.

LOST FOR WORDS asks:

My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

She doesn't care what people think of how she looks. She sees no problem wearing clothes that are torn, etc. I am concerned that by the time she reaches adolescence she won't care how she looks when she leaves the house.

Her hair is extremely curly. It can't be combed or it gets wilder and frizzier, which adds to her unkempt appearance. Her hair may improve as she gets older if she's motivated to spend the extra time.

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her?

Avitable answers: LOST, you tell her that unless she lives in 1974, nobody wants a huge mondo bush, and she should shave that pussy.

BREADWINNER asks:

I have been seeing a guy, "Casey," for three years. I have two children by another man, and Casey took them on as if they were his. They even call him "Daddy." I'm grateful I have someone who takes such good care of my kids. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

There's just one problem. Casey has a hard time keeping a job. He has had more than a dozen jobs during the last three years. The only income we have is mine, and it's not very much. We struggle quite a bit, and we fight about money. Things would be better if Casey would get a job and keep it, but I can't get him to understand that. Sometimes I feel like he's using me.

I want to stay with Casey, but now and then I also think I'd be better off if I left him. What can I do to make him understand that he needs to keep a job? Or, because I love him, should I stand beside him no matter what?

Avitable answers: BREADWINNER, maybe you should get off his fucking back, okay? Some men just need that freedom to move from job to job, and their self esteem is tied heavily into their identity as "Tattoo Artist" one week and "Discount Tire Salesman" the next.

Try this: next time he comes in and tells you he quit or got fired (but was totally going to quit anyway because they didn't treat him the way that he deserved to be treated) and brings home a giant TV or video game system that he bought with your money, instead of yelling at him about something as stupid as money and paying your bills, give him a big hug and say "You are my beautiful free spirit and I want you to fly free." And then blow him.

BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO asks:

I am an 11-year-old girl who loves going shopping and doing various stuff with my mom. But when we go to the mall or stop for lunch and she hears a song she likes, she'll start singing to it. And if we're standing up, she even dances to it a little.

I have tried telling her to stop because she's embarrassing me, but all she says is, "No one is looking, honey." She also does it at home in front of my friends when I play my iPod. Any suggestions?

Avitable says: BLUSHING, you should be ashamed of yourself. When I was 11, my mother used to walk around the mall with me wearing nothing but pasties and a sequined thong. When she heard songs she liked, she'd find one of my friends, sit him down, and give him a lapdance. Four of my closest friends lost their virginity with my mom. At the same time!

Maybe you should appreciate that your mom likes music, but doesn't like it so much that it makes her lactate or orgasm loudly, because let me tell you, that's way more embarrassing. Gain some fucking perspective.

TRYING IN TEMPE asks:

A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

I am finding it difficult to show much empathy for my boss. Despite having had the disease she continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle. She still smokes, has a couple of drinks a day and eats a lot of red meat. I don't drink or smoke and I'm a vegetarian, so I can't understand why a person would risk her health by doing these things.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn't taken any of the advice. Abby, it's not like I have come right out and said, "It's your own fault," but it's frustrating to listen to her problems when she won't try to live a healthy lifestyle. She's generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

Avitable says: TRYING, you are completely right. It's obviously all her fault!

Whether it's her failure to follow the guidelines that might have some benefit for her or maybe just karma from her being a shitty person, she obviously deserves to die from a terminal illness. I'd suggest shaking your head and chuckling at her every time you see her, and maybe sending her a card that says "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don't have cancer, but you do." Fuck her!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 51 Comments »

Twitter: Who should you follow?

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

Yesterday, I was reading the tweets of a friend who had found FriendOrFollow.com. She was hurt by discovering that some of the people she considered in her "circle" weren't following her on Twitter, even though she was following them. Her response to this was to unfollow them and in a few cases, unsubscribe from their blogs as well.

This got me thinking. Should Twitter be focused on mutual masturbation? Should you follow every person who follows you? Should you be insulted by someone who doesn't follow you back?

I say no. I think that you should have a different perspective when using Twitter, and here's why:

  1. It may be accidental. I can think of three times in the last week where I discovered that I wasn't actually following someone who I assumed I was. It may have been because Twitter glitched when I originally tried to follow them. It may have been because I go through occasionally and unfollow people who haven't tweeted in more than 60 days, using Untweeps. Maybe I just meant to follow them back but forgot, due to real life getting in the way.

  2. Twitter is not a mutual admiration society. The goal of Twitter is to create a stream of conversation that is interesting to you. You should choose who has something interesting to say based on their content, not based on who they are. And different people use Twitter for different reasons. Some may use it for networking or marketing. Some may use it to keep track of a limited group of friends. Others might only want to follow celebrities.

  3. Twitter is one form of communication out of many. Chances are that if you follow someone on Twitter, you may also have communicated with them by email or read their blog or may be their friend on Facebook. If you have multiple avenues to communicate with someone, learn about their lives, and share elements of your own life with them, why do you need Twitter to do so? That's like being upset if you send someone a letter and instead of writing you back, they call you and then come hang out at your house.

  4. Maybe you're boring or annoying. If someone isn't following you on Twitter, rather than blame them, maybe you should view this as inspiration to be more interesting. Maybe if your tweets consist of blog posts, blip.fm songs, TV recaps, and complaints about your cat, people don't follow you because you're just cluttering up their stream. Can you really blame them? Try being clever. Try tweeting something interesting. And if you don't want to, that's cool. Just don't have the audacity to complain if someone doesn't follow you!

  5. Unfollowing isn't excommunication and it's not a punishment. Unfollowing takes a second. It can be reversed just as quickly. And chances are if you are so perturbed by someone not following you that you unfollow them in retaliation, they won't even notice. Or care. So how did you just benefit? It's likely you originally followed that person because you liked what they had to say, and now you're not getting that information anymore.

Instead of viewing Twitter as a way to boost your ego with followers, try seeing it as a way to get your message across, whatever that message may be. If your goal is to be interesting and attract followers based on content, good for you. If you just want to share the mundanities of your life, that's good, too. Just don't take it personally if people don't find you interesting or if people choose not to read what you have to say.

Updated: This is not a venue to attack my friend – she was legitimately hurt. I am just addressing why I think if you take a different perspective, you can avoid these types of hurt feelings in the future.

Or, if you want more followers another way, just buy my Twitter shirt from Zazzle!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 160 Comments »

Children's Gift Guide for People Who Hate Kids

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

As everyone probably knows, with the exception of the children of a few friends, I hate your kids.

But that doesn't mean I don't have to buy gifts for them sometimes. I buy all the gifts in our household so I've had to figure out some good gifts to get for nieces and nephews and the kids of my friends. It can be a tricky minefield to navigate, though, so I wanted to put together a little "Dos" and "Don'ts" guide for those of you who hate kids but still have to buy gifts for them. If you want any of the items that are good gifts for kids, you can visit "Good For The Kids" and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!

For a brand new baby:

Now, you might think that the best gift for an infant would be something to keep him or her occupied and quiet. Something like this:

It would seem like it could work perfectly, right? It's shiny, so the baby's eyes will be distracted, plus there's an end to stick in her mouth, and it's almost as long as a baby is tall, so it can act as a full body pillow, too. However, most parents would probably be displeased if you proffered this amazing gift to their infant. Instead, try this:

WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse

WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse

For only $12.99, this pacifier will allow a parent to distract her child for at least a few more minutes, giving them a little more precious time to use Twitter or booze it up.

For a toddler:

Once again, you would think that a great gift for a toddler would be something that would prevent his or her little hands from getting into everything. Something that could distract them and help stimulate their growing brains by teaching them problem solving techniques. A gift you might think of would be something like this:

Duct tape can be used to tape arms and legs to walls or chairs, and a small piece can even be used over mouths. The high adhesion level of duct tape can teach children about persistence and they can use ingenuity to find sharp edges to cut themselves free. While this seems like the perfect gift, apparently it's not. Instead, try this:

Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube

Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube

For only $14,99, this classic shape sorting cube can teach toddlers about pattern recognition, shapes, and advanced physics. Plus, once their arms get a bit stronger, the shapes are the perfect size and weight for hurling across the room right into Mommy's face, giving her a black eye!

For pre-schoolers:

The preschooler has a hard road ahead of him or her. Newly potty trained, about to start going to class with a bunch of strangers, getting pushed into trying to read letters – this can be a lot of stress! Stress can result in intestinal distress and blockages that can result in illness. So what better gift could you possibly give to a preschooler than this:

But nooooo on the enema. Parents don't want their three year-old sticking tubing in their ass and pumping it full of warm water. Who knows why not? Parents make some crazy decisions in today's world. Maybe, instead of an enema, you could get them something like this:

Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet

Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet

A Make Your Own Monster Puppet can teach kids valuable creative skills, plus they can learn about anatomy. Monster arms, legs, and presumably a huge monster penis to attach! And if there's no penis, you can make your own out of a sock filled with paper.

For elementary school aged kids:

Kids aged 4-8 are naturally curious. They'll get their hands into everything they can, and they'll poke, prod, feel, touch, and explore as much as possible. Your best bet is to feed that curiosity, especially with a gift like this:

You'd think that giving a child a tool to learn about pregnancy, oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse, while also giving them plenty of surfaces and orifices to touch and experiment with, would be perfect. It's not. Instead, try this:

Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume

Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume

Your child's natural curiosity can now be met by dressing up as a figure of authority and telling other children to disrobe so that they can play police AND doctor. See? Multitasking and roleplaying are two additional skills that he or she can learn.

What other gifts can you get for all of those despised children? Check out "Good For The Kids" and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 83 Comments »

Avitable's guide to becoming a rap star

Monday, October 12th, 2009

I was reading about 19-year old Soulja Boy's recent arrest and started thinking about all of the young men out there who probably want to become a famous rap artist. In the interest of helping the community and world at large, I thought I'd put my specific expertise as a former rap artist to work for today's kids. As most of you know, when I was 17, I was world-renowned for my freestyling and rap skills under the pseudonym of Angel Phool Kake. It was a hard life, but I learned a lot, and I'm proud to share this 14-part series focused on helping anyone with the effort, knowledge, contacts, and skill to become a world-famous rapper.

Part 1: Your Name

Your rap name is the singlemost important element of your rise to stardom. Many young artists have failed miserably due to misspelling (1987's ill-fated King Of Rape), poor word choice (2004's unfortunate Speshul Sauce), or just completely wrong decisions (1992's Tranny Lovah). Your name has to simultaneously make a statement about who you are while also showcasing your uniqueness with different spelling, compound word creation, or symbolism. For example, my rap name, Angel Phool Kake, told you many things about me with three simple words. It said that I was white, that I was goofy, and that I had a sweet tooth, but I was secure enough in my ability to rap that I didn't need to spell "cake" correctly. Having the proper name allowed me to create the "Angel Phool" dance, wherein you locked your body from the waist down (ala "The Robot") and moved your elbows back and forth like you were shoveling cake into your mouth. It was a dance sensation for two weeks in 1994.

For a particularly clever name, incorporate an existing word into your misspelling of the initial name. Soulja Boy is a great example of savvy name creation. You get both concepts – he's a soldier boy because he's a gangster, but he also has soul. Here are some other names that I have just created that incorporate this cross-word pollination concept – these are free for you to take as your own!

Gayngsta Pinks – perfect for the out and proud rap artist who also races cars
The Hondataka – you bury them six feet deep and drive off in your tricked out Honda
Tree Fitty Seven Magnum – you pop caps and love the environment
Shartee Lovah – picking up the ladies (aka shorties) and sometimes farting until you poop your pants
Taco Nobel – ideal for the Hispanic rap artist who rhymes for peace
Chicken Tittle – fitting for a pessimistic artist who always makes time for nice boobs
Thunda Stuck – you make a big impression and sometimes are too fat to get out of your chair
Richie Bitch – you're Paris Hilton embarking on a rap career

A final word of advice about choosing your rap star name. Stay away from "Ice" anything. With Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice T, the market has been cornered and dominated on all things ice. Let the examples of rap failures Icee Hott, Ice Kreem Sunday, and Ice on Ya Finga be your warning.

Stay tuned for future chapters of "Avitable's guide to becoming a rap star", where I'll discuss caps and in whose asses those caps should be popped, when grillz are gauche, the classist issues that exist when deciding to drink MD 20/20 or Cristal, booty size of women in your videos and its direct correlation to iTunes sales charts, and the next hot clothing trend for aspiring rap artists (hint: man thongs).

AngelPhoolKake

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 33 Comments »

My rules of blogging

Friday, September 18th, 2009
  1. I try to reply to every comment I receive, even if it takes me a few days.
  2. The 100th comment is just as important to me as the first.
  3. I have too many blogs in my reader to read every day, but I try.
  4. I don't read blogs written by people who don't read me.
  5. I never say anything online that I wouldn't say live.
  6. I never censor comments unless they are spam.
  7. I comment on your blog when I have something to say, not because you commented on mine.
  8. I will not comment on your blog post via Twitter or Facebook.
  9. I subscribe to comments on every post on which I comment if that function's available.
  10. The sense of community I get from blogging and the subsequent comments that occur is the reason that I do it.
  11. I will post something every day of the week.
  12. Funny trumps all. [stolen from Britt]
  13. I will never be afraid to comment on a new blog because my opinion is just as important or unimportant as the next commenter.
  14. "Commenter" is a fucking word, dammit, no matter what spell-check says.
  15. My blog is mainly a persona – it is one aspect of my personality exaggerated for the purpose of comedy. I do not define myself by my blog and neither should you.
  16. Lurkers frustrate me because I think everyone has something valuable to say at some point and I know that I might be missing out on a good blog because someone doesn't take the time to comment at least once. I try to comment on all the blogs in my reader at least once or twice so that they know that I'm reading.
  17. I stand by my words completely. If I say something wrong, I'll admit it; otherwise, I'll defend what I write.
  18. I don't respect people who comment anonymously (with the exception of my confession post) because if they don't believe in their words enough to identify themselves (even if it's with their blog pseudonym) why should I put any weight in what they have to say?
  19. I dislike Pay Per Post and think that it cheapens blogging. I understand why it exists, but I just don't like it.
  20. It's just as important to support a blogger when he or she is happy as when he or she is sad.
  21. A blogger can become a friend just as easily as someone close to you geographically.
  22. I use proper spelling and grammar because I care about what I'm writing.
  23. If I become more worried about my stats than what I write, I will stop blogging.
Halloween note time!

The raffle is still open, for one more week. We need to sell 60 tickets (at $7 each) before someone can win a free plane ticket to come to Orlando for the party! Even if you aren't going to come, you can buy a ticket and sponsor someone, or maybe you'll win a free T-shirt! You know you have $7 just burning a hole in your Paypal account that you want to use. It's calling out to you. "Spend meeee," it says, "Raffffleeee tickettttt." Listen to your money. It knows what's best for you.

Go here to buy your raffle ticket now!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice, Partay | 206 Comments »

The First Day of School

Monday, August 24th, 2009

Here in Central Florida, today is the first day of school for many kids. As someone with over 20 years of time spent as a student, I thought I should impart some invaluable advice for anyone starting classes today, whether it's grade school or high school.

Don't start eating paper yet, lest you get nicknamed "Paper Eater Boy".
Do wait until your teacher catches you passing a note and you have to eat it to save the embarrassment of your love note being read aloud.

Don't be afraid to share your peanut butter sandwich with a kid whose mom sucks and packed him a shoe and can of sardines for lunch.
Do make sure he doesn't have a deathly allergy to peanuts that kills him on the spot.

Do bring a pencil sharpener so that you can keep your pencil points honed.
Don't bring a large Bowie knife to sharpen said pencils.

Do try to become the first kid to come up with the nickname for your teachers who deserve them.
Don't shout the name you came up with for Mrs. Blotherlucker out loud.

Do snap some bra straps to show the girls that you like them and appreciate their budding breasts.
Don't do it if her name is Amanda and she's the principal's daughter and he's watching through the second story library window and almost flies out of the fucking window to kill you in a murderous rage.

Do bring a notebook that you can use to carry in front of you if you get an erection.
Don't bring the Hannah Montana notebook that your mom bought for you even though it's pink.

Do bring an iPod to listen to music on the bus.
Don't sing along out loud if the Divinyl's "I Touch Myself" starts playing.

Do sign up for every single extracurricular activity you can.
Don't attend any of them except for the yearbook photo at the end of the year.

Do try to get a varsity letter because colleges like it.
Don't bother with real sports – try swimming, golf, bowling, or color guard.

Don't let the bullies corner you.
Do remember to go for the eyes, the throat, and the crotch if they do.

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 89 Comments »