On Thursday, I turn 35.  (It’s not too late for you to buy me a present either.)

It’s not really a milestone, except that I will no longer be in that vaunted 18-34 age demographic.  There’s nothing special you can do after you turn 25 – the rest of your birthdays are just an accumulation of time as you continue your inexorable march towards the grave.

All you can do as you age is try to keep learning and striving for perfection and happiness, which may be mutually exclusive.  But you have to try lest you find yourself a stagnant lump entrenched in a time long past.

The beauty of our generation is that we have tools at our disposal to record our lives more substantively than any prior generation.  My blog can stand as a testament to my mediocrity, my descent into madness, or even as a gauge for my emotional growth – however I decide to live my life and share it with the Internet.

For my future reflection and as a means to grasp onto some perspective, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the last 34 years that I’ve lived:

Posture is important, but so is not pulling up your shorts to your nipples.

There is always someone smarter, more attractive, funnier, or quicker, but there are a lot more people who are dumber, uglier, slower, and who think Dane Cook is funny. Hang around with those people instead.

Never be ashamed of who you are, even if you feel the need to distinguish yourself from the crowd by painting your toenails.

You cannot judge someone until you’ve been in the same place they have, and even then, judging takes a lot more effort than letting go.

Not all elderly black janitors are wise and honest.  Some are crazy assholes.

Confidence is the difference between the Comic Book Guy and the Kingpin.  Also, own your nerdiness.

Come early, come often, but make sure she comes more.

Edit. Your words, your life, your friends. Everything is improved with editing.

Even though it may feel like shorts, everybody knows you’re just wearing underwear.

Photo thanks to Jenny Grace (click me)

Drink your girly drinks proudly and stick your pinky finger out as far as you can.

Making life changes for someone else will lead to failure and resentment.  Whether it’s losing weight, quitting smoking, pursuing a dream, or even just moving – it has to be for you.

Some people are meant to have beards and should never ever EVER shave.

It’s never too late to pursue your dreams, unless your dream is to have sex with Bea Arthur because sorry, dude, she’s dead.

Anyone who criticizes you constantly is not doing it out of love. They’re doing it out of self-hatred.  Unless it’s your mom, then it’s totally out of love.

Even when you tell the truth, people may not believe you.  That’s okay – you know that you’re telling the truth, and that’s what is important.

Shame is overrated. The only societies that still celebrate shame are backwards ones.

Be generous with your friends, but only with the friends who don’t ask for generosity. Otherwise, you risk being someone whom will be taken advantage of.

The Earth will outlive humanity so don’t waste your time recycling.

You are never too old to go to Chuck E. Cheese.

This isn’t the first time I’ve written a letter to my younger self,  but after seeing the letter written by my friend (and awesome comedienne) Lauren Brown, I decided to do another one.

Dear 17-year old Avitable,

On Thursday, I’ll be turning 35 years old, so I shall surely be dead soon.  I wanted to take this chance to send you a letter preparing you for the future.

Right now, you think you’re the king of the world.  You rule high school as the emperor of the nerds, and you know how to work the system to give you the best possible benefit.  Well, that doesn’t last long.  Welcome to college.

College will be one of the lower points in your life.  Maybe choosing an uber-conservative college filled with the wealthy and privileged, 97% of whom go Greek, wasn’t the best choice.  On the plus side, you get rid of that unhealthy temper you had.  On the negative side, you gain the reputation as the “naked guy” thanks to your inability to shut your blinds EVER.

You won’t really be able to work the system in college until your junior year, and as a result, you’ll get the first bad grades of your life during your freshman year, not due to exams, but all the days you miss class because you found it unnecessary despite the professor’s attendance policy.  Don’t worry when Mom rides you about your bad grades, though – she had the exact same thing happen to her in nursing school, a fact she won’t share until after you graduate.  Also, SHE NEVER QUIT SMOKING.  In summary, Mom is a liar.

When you’re offered the chance to do a semester abroad in Japan, say yes.  Otherwise, you’ll always regret saying no and wondering what might have been, and you’ll only remember enough Japanese to be able to say that you only speak a little Japanese.

After college, you get fat.  Like, really fat.  It affects your confidence and makes you put up a lot of walls to keep people out, but things will get better.  You’ll lose weight and get healthier, even though you really need to lose another 60-70 pounds before you can start pursuing your lifelong dream of marrying Ke$ha.  Oh, that’s right, you don’t know who Ke$ha is yet – just keep your ears open. She’s magical.  Also, you remember that hot redhead from “The Wizard”?  She becomes a musician and part of a band called Rilo Kiley!  Don’t buy all her albums just because you have a crush on her, though – she only has one or two good songs.

You know how you think that having sex is a bad thing unless you’re with “the one”? It’s not true!  It’s important to go start having sex now so that you can experience it with different people.  Otherwise, after you get divorced, you might go through a bit of a trampage.

Oops. Yeah, you get married and divorced in the next 17 years.  Sorry – didn’t mean to ruin your anticipation of “til death do us part”.  Ain’t gonna happen.  More like “til 2009 do us part”.

Do you know that bitch Faiqa from Spruce Creek?  The one who kept you from dating that girl you were in love with?  Yeah, well, it’s funny how things work out because she’s pretty much your best friend now.  Still a bitch, though.  And her friend is still just as awesome and, get this, married a guy who is a lot like you.  Fuckin’ Faiqa.

Finally, get rid of all that ambition to be an international corporate lawyer.  First, there is no such thing. Secondly, after all this time, you’re going to find that your calling is humor –   writing it, of course, but also performing it on stage as a stand-up.  Maybe if you start now, you can be famous by 35, because I’ve only got four days and I don’t think I’m going to make it.  You are funny, though, so stick with it!

Good luck – you’re going to need it!

From my deathbed (I assume),

Old Adam

P.S.  No, you can’t masturbate too much, so don’t worry about it.

P.P.S.  Drive over to Orlando and find a 4-year old named Lauren Brown.  Make friends with her, because you’re totally going to ride her coattails to fame.

P.P.P.S.  Balls will always be funny.

P.P.P.P.S.  Still no fucking hoverboard.  ”Back To The Future” lied to us.

If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve learned how to write well and how to be funny. Those are not the only topics of which I consider myself to be one of the world’s foremost experts, and so the series continues with today’s installment:

How to write a resume that will get you hired

There are many schools of thought with regards to the proper resume, but my school is like Professor Xavier’s School for Super Mutant Children compared to those other schools for kids who eat scissors. If you follow these simple steps, you will end up with a resume that will wow, that will impress, that will grab the reader by the testicles and squeeze, but in a good way.

1. Find a good photo.

Many so-called resume experts will tell you that you should never put a photo with your resume, but I think we all know it’s because those experts are probably fat and ugly. A good photo can cause your future employer to experience stirring in the general area of the loins, which can cause them to make emotional decisions like calling you for an interview, before they even read the rest of your resume! This is the photo I have on my resume:

It’s a good photo because it shows that I’m playful, so I’ll get along with my fellow employees. It demonstrates that I have well-maintained grooming, so I’m not some smelly hippie. And finally, it confirms for the employer that I’m a man, so they know to offer me more money.

2. Provide sufficient contact information.

There’s nothing worse than an employer having trouble reaching you to offer you a sweet position with lots of benefits. I have found that the more contact information you provide, the better your chances of not missing that one-in-a-million contact. In addition to your address, phone number, and email address, I would recommend considering your Twitter account, your Facebook page, your mother’s phone number, your neighbor’s phone number, the addresses and phone numbers of bars or restaurants that you frequent, your best friend’s email address, and, if you have space, your Google+ profile. Here’s what I have for my contact information:

3. Use Latin if you can.

Employers will be really wowed if you use a fancy dead language like Latin. If you have a college degree, it’s usually easy, especially if you graduated summa cum laude or got an advanced degree like a Juris Doctoris. If you don’t have that option, I’d suggest tossing in some random Latin phrases throughout your resume. Chances are that the employer won’t know what they mean, but he or she will still totally think you’re awesome for it. Some of my favorite phrases include:

• Carpe diem – Seize the day.
• Tempus fugit – Time flies.
• Veni, vidi, vici – I came, I saw, I conquered.
• Caveat emptor – Buyer beware.
• Veni, vidi, carpe carp – I came, I saw, I seized the carp.
• Ego coitus interruptus, tamen carpe diem quod veni – My sex was interrupted, but I seized the day and came.

4. Highlight your most relevant experience.

If you’re applying for a job to mow lawns and provide lawn care services, but the most recent job on your resume is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you should consider making a section called “Relevant Experience” that focuses mainly on that job you had in high school where you mowed your neighbors’ lawns for $25.

I find that it can also sometimes be a good idea to include the irrelevant experience, too, like I did on my resume:

5. Leave out anything negative.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and your resume is supposed to be a summary of your experience relevant to the position to which you’re applying, not a comprehensive autobiography on every single thing you’ve done in your life. Those four years that you spent in prison for grand theft auto? Fill that gap by discussing your decision to “pursue educational opportunities in a government-sponsored program.” Did you drop out of college without finishing because you got pregnant? Try “Entered the workforce earlier than my peers with the goal of developing immediate, hands-on experience.” Let the employer read between the lines or do a background check, and with luck, they’ll be just as lazy as your last employer.

6. Make it look nice on a page.

In the end, the only thing that really matters with regards to a resume is how it looks. Most employers can barely read, and they’re very likely to just point at the prettiest resume and hire that person on the spot. Use clean fonts, leave plenty of white space, and don’t use any ridiculous colors, and you’ll be hired in an instant.

That’s all there is to it. Six simple steps to a perfect resume that will get you hired for any job. If you have any questions or need assistance, you can use mine as a template:

Good luck on your future career!

I’ve already explained how to write well, and last week, I wrote a post for Work It, Mom! where I explained how to be funny.  I thought that it would also be appropriate to share it here, as well. That, and I’m really feeling lazy this week and didn’t want to come up with any original content on my own.

Fashion pro tip: Distracting floral prints are always slimming.

My name is Adam Heath Avitable, and I am the world’s funniest person named Adam Heath Avitable that I know of. I’m writing this post today because I know that most of you look at people like me and think to yourself, “I’m pretty, smart, and happy. I’d much rather be funny like that guy.” Funniness is not always inherent – it can be learned, and with these few steps, hopefully you too will find yourself on the path to mediocre recognition as that “funny [looking] person who was on the local news for public drunkenness and public nudity.”

1. Know your audience.

Whether you’re being funny in writing or in person, it is fundamental to know and understand your audience. This doesn’t mean that you have to rely on stereotypes, although it’s completely true that old people like jokes about Matlock and the good old days and prisoners like jokes about dropping the soap. If you are trying to write a funny post, and you know that 90% of your readers are women, topics that appeal to women will be better received. This is why I mainly write about periods, dieting, and hating Gwyneth Paltrow.

2. Find your strength.

Whether you’re good at writing biting satire so subtle that it’s almost impossible to tell that it’s satire, or you draw great cartoons of anthropomorphized political candidates, or even if you just like to talk about pooping a lot, you have a strength that you should play to. You may like to act out funny situations on video or in person, or wordplay and puns may be your thing, but stick to it and hone that before you venture into uncharted waters. For example, don’t try to do impressions if every single one sounds like a Chinese man being strangled by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gay brother. Actually, strike that. If your impressions sound like that, please call me. I will pay to see that.

3. Practice selective word choice.

Some words can be funnier than their synonyms, and you’ll never know unless you try. Boxers is not funny. Briefs is kind of funny. Underpants is even funnier. Manties is the funniest. After you’ve written something, let it sit for a little while, and then go back and give it a fresh look and see if any words make the content drag, and don’t be ashamed to grab the thesaurus if you’re not as smart as me and have a not good word knowledge thingy.

4. Write what you know.

If you’re a Chinese man who was strangled by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gay brother, write or talk about that. But if you’re not, you’ll just sound like someone who is pretending to be in someone else’s shoes. The best type of comedy is that which is deeply personal. Observations about ficus plants are great, but a personal story about how a ficus plant stole your innocence could be hilarious. Mine your own life deeply for material.

That’s all it takes. Four steps that will put you on the right path to being funny. Well, funny-ish, at least. And if all else fails, just have something really depressing happen to you and choose to find humor in it in lieu of suicide. I hear that works too.

Before you read today’s post, I’m almost ready to start sending out Christmas cards, so if you haven’t yet added your name to my mailing list, go do it now!

Last year I took it upon myself to go through some archives of Dear Abby and Cosmo Advice to find questions that I just thought should have been answered better.  And now I’m doing it again:

LET DOWN BY DAD IN KANSAS says:  I’m 15, and my parents have fought constantly for years. Dad is an alcoholic.  I guess you could say I have kind of given up on him.  I’m involved in many sports, but rarely does he show up to support me, unlike my mom who is there at every game.

Dad has now left us.  He still calls Mom just about every day, and he stops by the house to “check up” on things about three times a week. Mom forced me to send him a “Happy Birthday” text.  She wants me to start talking to him again and to build a relationship with him, but I think he has missed out on too much of my life already.  (He even missed my first prom!)  I don’t feel I need him in my life, or that he deserves me in his.  What should I do?

Dear Avi says:  Probably the healthiest thing to do would be to find a male role model who is about 10 years older than you, like a teacher or coach, and start dating them.  Let him pay for everything you need, and in bed, get him to spank you and call him “Daddy”.

AGHAST IN SAN FRANCISCO says: My 6-year-old daughter “Kaylee” recently spent a weekend with her grandparents.  While she was there, they bought her several gifts.

Today her grandmother called and asked to have one of the gifts back.  A friend of hers would like to have the decorative musical instruments she gave to Kaylee.  Grandma’s idea is to offer to buy something else for my daughter and “trade.” I don’t know how to handle this.  I can’t imagine asking someone to return a present I had given him or her.  Kaylee loves the instruments and has been playing with them every day since she received them.  However, I think her grandma (my stepmother) will be upset if I don’t go along with her plan.  Abby, help!

Dear Avi says:  This is a good time to teach your daughter a lesson about maturity and selflessness and also a good time to teach your stepmother about being an asshole.  Suggest a location like a mall parking lot to swap the decorative musical instrument for a better gift.  When your stepmother arrives, ask her to hand over whatever gift she wants to give Kaylee in exchange for the instrument.  After you have it in your hands, have Kaylee hand over the instrument directly to your stepmother.  However, right before she hands it over, tell Kaylee to look her grandmother in the eye and drop the instrument directly onto the pavement, shattering it into a million pieces, then cocking her head and saying “Oops.”

MISSING THE KISSING says: My wife and I have been married 40 years. Five years ago, she told me she didn’t want me in our bedroom and that she is “off limits.” She said she is not interested in me “that way” anymore.

Other than that, we have a great marriage and we’re best friends, but I can’t go on like this. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go. What do you think I should do?

Dear Avi says: You must be at least 60-70. People your age shouldn’t be having sex anyways – it’s kind of creepy. Once you reach a certain age, there are just certain activities you shouldn’t be doing, like driving, having sex, or watching Saturday Night Live.

DRIVEN CRAZY IN WISCONSIN says: My wife is a back-seat driver who seems to get more anxious every time we go anywhere together. She tells me to slow down, which lights to watch, which lane I should be in, which cars are braking, which ones are speeding, where the semi-trucks are if she thinks they’re getting too close, and how to drive in various weather conditions. She’ll move her foot to an imaginary brake on the passenger side, squirm in her seat and hang onto the handle above the passenger door while I’m doing my best to concentrate on my driving. It’s very distracting.

My wife is not willing to drive when we’re going somewhere, although I have offered to let her. She also refuses to sit back and relax because you can’t control another person’s driving. If I ignore her, she becomes irritated and says I’m not paying attention to her concerns. I have never had a serious accident and have had none in the past 15 years. What can I do about this?

Dear Avi says: Explain to your wife that most men are more spatially oriented and have better driving skills as a result. When she noticed a truck in the next lane or cars braking, you’ve already noticed and reacted to the situation. Every time she freaks out or grabs on, she risks disturbing your concentration and causing you to get into a huge accident, losing all of your limbs, resulting in you just being a torso and a head. Does she want to be responsible for you being the butt of every joke about a guy with no arms and no legs? You’re Bob and Art and Matt and Bill and Russell.

Then make her 3 or 4 martinis so she calms down, and have several yourself to steady your nerves before going out driving with her again.

LUCKY LADY IN LARAMIE says: I am a 20-year-old college student who has found the man of my dreams. We have been dating for a year and a half and have been through a lot together. We both believe it is acceptable (and in our case, preferable) for a woman to be a stay-at-home mother and wife. I do not have a problem with having dinner on the table when he arrives home.

However, the number of people who have deemed our views “unacceptable” and “disgraceful” is astounding. I was actually spit on by a woman who accused me of being “the problem with women.” She called me “weak” and a disappointment to womanhood across the nation. I’m so offended by her attack.

Am I wrong in thinking it is fine for a woman to be taken care of by her husband? Should I feel the need to be a working mom and wife? Am I too traditional for modern times? Please help me to see the whole picture.

Dear Avi says: So, college is too hard, eh?

What about you? Do you have any questions you’d like answered or is there any advice you need? You can leave your questions in the comments or email me at my first name at my last name dot com, and I’ll visit them in a later post. Serious questions or serious advice is fine, too!

Over at one of my favorite new blogs, I read about a great post from 2005 outlining 20 rules for people to start following once they turn 25. As the original author says:

If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.

Her original rules are below (read the post for her explanations):

1. Remember to write thank-you notes.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings.
5. Be on time.
6. Have enough money.
7. Know how to calculate the tip.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional.
9. Learn to walk in heels (men get a pass).
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit.
11. Do as invitations ask you.
12. Know how.
13. Don’t use your friends.
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job.
15. Give and receive favors graciously.
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray.
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you.
19. Take care of yourself.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance.

And here are my contributions:

1. Be aware of your hygiene. If you don’t shower, you will stink. If you don’t brush your teeth, you will have bad breath. If you wear the same clothes without washing them, people will notice. Wash your hands, wash your face, brush your teeth, and use deodorant.
2. Have a plan. You don’t have to have your entire life planned out – anyone who does that is setting themselves up for disappointment. But have some general idea of where your life is going. Do you want to own a house? Did you buy a TV with no interest for three years? Is your job something you want to do forever? At least try to come up with some broad strokes – you can always change them, but it’s good to have a basic road map.
3. Understand the value of a work ethic. It’s no longer funny to think that you’re awesome because you take advantage of your boss, slack off at work, do a sub-standard job, or otherwise abuse the resources of the place that provides you with a steady paycheck. If your job starts at 9, you should be walking in the door at nine at the latest. If you haven’t figured out the value of doing a job well for the sake of doing it, now’s the time.
4. Be your own person around your parents. You’re too old to act like a juvenile around your parents, whether that means that you’re sullen, you hate them, or you do whatever they say. You’re an adult. Your parents are also adults. They’re also human, which means they’re not perfect. It’s okay to have your own opinions, but don’t blame them for your current situation either.
5. Throw away socks and underwear with holes in them. Okay, I’m still guilty of having the occasional pair of socks or manties with holes in them, but I’ve finally reached the point where I throw them away whenever I see them. And if I can do it, so can you.
6. Know how (expanding on hers). Know how to… Open a bottle of wine. Cook one or two basic meals. Apologize. Accept an apology. Do laundry. Load a dishwasher. Write a thank you letter. Tie a tie. Make hotel reservations. Use your silverware. Defend from a ninja attack. Wake up at 8 AM, or 7 AM, or 6 AM – these are normal wake up times for most adults.
7. Know why you have the opinions you have. You’re past the age when “My parents say” or “Bill O’Reilly says” or “Keith Olbermann says” is a valid reason for your opinion. If you don’t know why you have an opinion about a topic, you don’t actually have an opinion about a topic. You have parroted rhetoric.
8. Accept responsibility for your actions. It’s not okay to blame everyone else for the suckfest that is your life. If you get pulled over for speeding, you get a ticket. Be willing to take it – the cop is not a prick for catching you when you violated the law. If you talk about your friends behind their backs and they find out about it and cut you out of their lives, take a look at how you live your life and grow up. Sometimes things happen over which you have no control. Pick up and move on. Taking the time to blame every person that you think is involved does nothing but make you look like a child.
9. Don’t drown yourself in cologne/perfume. One splash. One or two spritzes. That’s it. If you can taste it, you’re wearing too much.
10. Know your limits. If you have to get up at 8 AM and go to work tomorrow, don’t drink until you pass out. Part of being an adult is knowing your limits and making the mature decision to stay within them. And if you decide that this one night you’re not going to pay attention to your limits? That’s okay, but see #8.

[Edited to add intro]

I have over 600 blogs in my feedreader, which means that at any given moment there are at least 20 new posts popping up. If I had the ability, I’d comment on every single post, because I feel like it’s the sense of community that blogging creates when people read and comment (as long as you don’t fucking comment on my post via Twitter. I hate that).

Since I can’t comment on every post that shows up, though, I still make an effort to comment when I can (if I have your blog in my feedreader, that is). And, being the meticulous control freak that I am, I make lists:

Things that will make me comment on your post:

• Your post made me laugh.
• You’re one of my closest friends.
• I noticed that you’re experiencing a birthday, anniversary or other event.
• I read your blog for the first time ever.
• I have something I consider worth saying.
• I’ve been reading for awhile and haven’t commented recently.
• You wrote something that blew my mind.
• You’re having a contest AND you’re someone I read regularly.
• You’re a ninja, or you purport to know a ninja.
• You’re a celebrity and all I want is for you to come over to my blog out of curiosity. *ahem* Zach Braff and Allison Mack.
• You’ve said something particularly stupid, hateful, or ignorant.
• You call the cops to my house because you’re insane.
• I saw a tweet of yours that made me laugh.
• You linked to me in a post and I wanted to acknowledge my appreciation for the link.
• I cleaned out my feedreader and your post happened to show up and I had some free time.

Things that will discourage me from commenting on your post:

• Wordless Wednesday.
• You email me and ask me to read your blog.
• Every comment you leave includes a link to your blog in the actual comment.
• You send passive-aggressive tweets about your posts.
• You think I’m elitist because I haven’t commented on your blog but don’t have the balls to talk to me about it.
• It’s difficult to comment on your blog, thanks to moderation, Typepad, Haloscan, Disqus or captchas.
• You close your blog every three weeks and reopen it a week later.
• You seem less interested in the interaction and community of blogging and more interested in promoting something or getting attention.
• Your post is password protected and I have to email to get the password.
• Every post is about how you haven’t been blogging.
• You’re really fucking boring.
• Every post is rife with spelling and grammatical errors.
• I read your post on my phone.

Things that will have no effect on my desire to comment or not comment:

• You comment on my post.
• You tweet your post fourteen times.
• I disagree with your opinions.
• You post ten times a day.
• You post once a month.
• You don’t reply to comments.
• You do reply to comments.
• Your posts are 2,000 words long.
• I like you as a person.
• Your blog is hosted by Blogger.

What makes you want to comment or makes you want to stay away? And do you think I’m way too anal retentive for my own good?

Last week I solicited advice questions for my new weekly advice column. I chose a few of the questions I received to answer in today’s post, my inaugural advice column:

Blondefabulous asked:

Yesterday I blogged about being taken advantage of by my boss, (and not in the good way), and I need a good way to deal with this. She has no kids and no life so she doesn’t think twice about working in to the night, but I got a Hot Hunky Hubby, family, and budding roller derby career to attend to! I tried the advice others gave in my comments to no avail. Short of going postal up in this bitch, how do I make her see that I can’t do two different jobs at once? Also, how the hell do I get a clone so I can do everything should my boss continue to be obtuse??

Avitable answers: This is a very simple solution. You’ve obviously made yourself invaluable to her, and now you need to use that to your advantage. Tell her that you need to speak with her in private and then tell her that you’re very happy working there. Tell her that you feel like you’ve been able to contribute to the business in a way that other employees don’t. And then let her know that you feel like your responsibilities have reached a level that is no longer commensurate with the income you receive. Say “I would like us to examine my responsibilities and try to reach a solution that will prevent me from burning out, robbing you of a valuable asset, but also compensating me fairly for the work that I’ve been doing above and beyond my current role at the company.”

And if that doesn’t work, try the opposite approach. Start spending every waking second with her. Sneak into her house in the morning and make breakfast while she’s in the shower. Create a small altar to her at work and include photos that you’ve stolen from her home. Ask her for a lock of her hair. When she walks by, smell the air really loudly and say “Mmmmmmmm”. It won’t take more than a week for her to decide that maybe you’re spending too much time with her and she’ll give you the space you need.

Becky asked:

Just a couple really quick questions.
1) WTF?

and
2) Why does Monday have such a bad rep?

Avitable answers: I’d have to write a treatise to answer your first question properly, invoking theories of chaos theory, fractal geometry and advanced quantum mechanics. All I can do is just give you the short answer: 39.

As for your second question, Monday has a bad reputation because Tuesday and Wednesday kept loaning Monday money for crazy investment idea after crazy investment idea. They were willing to overlook Monday’s poor decision making until Friday saw Monday murder Swoosday for ten dollars and bury her under a bridge. After that, nobody wants to deal with Monday ever again. And now our weekends are only two days long instead of three. RIP, Swoosday.

And last, but most certainly not least, Nenette asks:

My deadbeat, unemployed, alcoholic former-BIL (let’s call him Gus) recently got himself a dog, because he’s lonely, and naturally needs another life to destroy with his stupidity and neglect. Anyway, he named this cute-but-dumb dog in honour of his favourite movie “This is Spinal Tap”. Last week, Gus landed himself in the slammer (again!), and we are taking care of this dog. Correction, we WERE taking care of the dog until it jumped the fence and ran away.

Now, I find myself having to make “Have you seen this dog? Answers to the name ‘Lick My Love Pump’” posters. And frankly I don’t want to. Should I bother or should I let some kind soul turn him in to the Humane Society where he’ll get adopted by someone who will give him a better life and a better name?

Avitable answers: Since the Humane Society also euthanizes dogs who don’t get adopted quick enough, you risk Lick My Love Pump having his pump run dry before his time is up if you stand idly by. While you can’t control Gus or try to teach him animal responsibility, you can lead by example. I suggest adopting Lick My Love Pump into your family and demonstrating how a stable family with little to no prison time (except for that one time that you streaked across that football field) might be a more appropriate setting to raise a cute but dumb dog. And if you don’t know if you have room in your heart for a dog, I only have one thing to say: Crank it up to 11.

Do you need advice of the Avitable kind? Is there something you think Dear Abby can’t handle? Leave your questions in the comments. If you already asked a question last week, don’t worry – I’ll still pick some from there too!

Yesterday’s post (along with the “We Can Fix Your Life” episodes of Clearly You’re Retarded that Britt and I did) made me realize that I am probably destined to be a guru. I know the answers to everything and I always have sage advice that is always right. Someday I’ll be famous for my advice and people will pay me millions to get the answers to their problems. For now, though, I’m offering it for free.

Use the comments or email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with any questions you have. Do you need advice about a relationship? Family problems? Insecurity about your job? Whatever ails you, I can help.

If the questions are good enough, I’ll make this into a weekly or bi-weekly feature, so don’t fail me now, people!

Way back in March, I helped the ladies of Cosmo. Now I’m focusing my genius and years of experience on the poor saps who write letters to Dear Abby.

STEAMED IN VAN NUYS asks:

For 20 years I have gone to considerable thought and expense to carefully select nice holiday cards to send to a varied client base. I have tried to be considerate and sensitive to any cultural and religious differences.

It bothers me that a simple delivery of good wishes was met with such a resounding show of bad manners and ill will, and I see no point in continuing. My mother says I expect too much of people and that this will backfire. I’m past caring and have no more cheeks left to turn. I agreed to abide by your advice. What say you?

Avitable answers: STEAMED, winter holiday cards are so passe. Try sending cards for Arbor Day, Guy Fawkes Day, or Hitler’s birthday, and that way you can connect with your clients and friends without offending any of them.

LOST FOR WORDS asks:

My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her?

Avitable answers: LOST, you tell her that unless she lives in 1974, nobody wants a huge mondo bush, and she should shave that pussy.

BREADWINNER asks:

I have been seeing a guy, “Casey,” for three years. I have two children by another man, and Casey took them on as if they were his. They even call him “Daddy.” I’m grateful I have someone who takes such good care of my kids. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

I want to stay with Casey, but now and then I also think I’d be better off if I left him. What can I do to make him understand that he needs to keep a job? Or, because I love him, should I stand beside him no matter what?

Avitable answers: BREADWINNER, maybe you should get off his fucking back, okay? Some men just need that freedom to move from job to job, and their self esteem is tied heavily into their identity as “Tattoo Artist” one week and “Discount Tire Salesman” the next.

Try this: next time he comes in and tells you he quit or got fired (but was totally going to quit anyway because they didn’t treat him the way that he deserved to be treated) and brings home a giant TV or video game system that he bought with your money, instead of yelling at him about something as stupid as money and paying your bills, give him a big hug and say “You are my beautiful free spirit and I want you to fly free.” And then blow him.

BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO asks:

I am an 11-year-old girl who loves going shopping and doing various stuff with my mom. But when we go to the mall or stop for lunch and she hears a song she likes, she’ll start singing to it. And if we’re standing up, she even dances to it a little.

I have tried telling her to stop because she’s embarrassing me, but all she says is, “No one is looking, honey.” She also does it at home in front of my friends when I play my iPod. Any suggestions?

Avitable says: BLUSHING, you should be ashamed of yourself. When I was 11, my mother used to walk around the mall with me wearing nothing but pasties and a sequined thong. When she heard songs she liked, she’d find one of my friends, sit him down, and give him a lapdance. Four of my closest friends lost their virginity with my mom. At the same time!

Maybe you should appreciate that your mom likes music, but doesn’t like it so much that it makes her lactate or orgasm loudly, because let me tell you, that’s way more embarrassing. Gain some fucking perspective.

TRYING IN TEMPE asks:

A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn’t taken any of the advice. Abby, it’s not like I have come right out and said, “It’s your own fault,” but it’s frustrating to listen to her problems when she won’t try to live a healthy lifestyle. She’s generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

Avitable says: TRYING, you are completely right. It’s obviously all her fault!

Whether it’s her failure to follow the guidelines that might have some benefit for her or maybe just karma from her being a shitty person, she obviously deserves to die from a terminal illness. I’d suggest shaking your head and chuckling at her every time you see her, and maybe sending her a card that says “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don’t have cancer, but you do.” Fuck her!