On the 29th anniversary of John Lennon's death, I thought I'd take the time to interview him:
Me: So, I'm sitting here with John Lennon, one of the Fab Four. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, John.
JL: Well, it's like, there's not much to do here, you know, so I've got the time, man.
Me: Now, is it true that you were actually kind of a douchebag?
JL: What?
Me: Well, you got some weird Asian midget pregnant while you were married but tried to claim your wife was the adulterous one.
JL: Oh, well, see, it's like, man, a different world back then and we were all about free love and, you know, peace.
Me: Do you think that Yoko Ono was good for you?
JL: Yes, man, she was brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Did you know that she created this fantastic piece of art where the every man could walk into the gallery, see, and, you know, take a hammer and bang! bang! bang! hammer nails into a board. It blew my fuckin' mind.
Me: But wasn't she a primary reason that your band broke up?
JL: Well, you know, it was time. It wasn't a great disaster, and, like, with all the hate and anger and bad energy in the world, you know, this is just a rock group that split up. It's nothing important.
Me: Well, many people out there think that The Beatles are the greatest band in history. I'm not one of them, though. Personally, I don't like your music that much and prefer The Rolling Stones instead.
JL: And I'd prefer to punch you in the fucking nose.
Me: Whoa. What happened to the hippie relaxed almost to the level of idiocy?
JL: That's all an act. All that "we're selling peace" and "we're bigger than Jesus" shit was just propaganda created by our handlers.
Me: Handlers?
JL: Yup. See, we didn't actually find each other organically. We were hired by promoters who wanted to compete with Elvis in the States. They hired us, trained us, changed our names, and made us famous. My real name was Hubert Kronsweigel.
Me: I also notice that you don't have a British accent anymore.
JL: Of course not – are you slow? I'm actually from Philly.
Me: So, then what happened with Yoko? Was that real or a facade?
JL: That was real. I got too big for my britches and thought that I was untouchable. They showed me.
Me: Are you implying that the people who manufactured The Beatles had you killed?
JL: It's true. Mark David Chapman was actually in training to become the next Meat Loaf when they tapped him to kill me.
Me: I'm finding this hard to believe. Are you high right now?
JL: Well, yes. But that's beside the point. The music industry runs the world! They can make you go crazy, like Britney or Whitney Houston. They can ruin your reputation as a teen heartthrob by outing you, like they did with Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake.
Me: Justin's not gay or out of the closet!
JL: Yet.
Me: And I bet that they also killed Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
JL: And Aaliyah and the Big Bopper and John Denver and Kurt Cobain and Left Eye Lopes and Michael Jackson.
Me: Wow, my mind has officially been blown.
JL: It's what I do. Now do you have any final questions before I go find something salty to munch on?
Me: Yeah. What was the last thing that went through your mind before you died?
JL: A bullet, man. A bullet.
Me: But you were shot in the back, not the head.
JL: Was I, man? Was I?
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
