As a super A-list rock-star blogger, I have access to all types of cool information that none of you unwashed masses have. For example, I get to see TV shows three weeks before they air, and I even already know who wins this season's Bachelor!

My biggest coup so far, though, is that I have the full, unedited text of Barack Obama's inauguration speech that he will be giving today (Tuesday) at noon. I can't reveal my sources, but suffice it to say that they risked life and limb to get me this uncensored copy of his upcoming highly anticipated inauguration speech. Without further ado:

My fellow Americans:

May I have your full, undivided attention please?

May I have your attention please?

As President Barack Obama, I stand up before you. I repeat, as an American citizen who loves his country, I stand up.

We have many problems to discuss today.

Until today, you have never seen an African American President before. Is it a momentous occasion on par with Rosa Parks' arrest? With Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassination? I think so. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" But I did, without being immodest. Dr. King once said . . . well, he never spoke on an issue like this, and unfortunately, of course, Dr. King is dead. But we can only imagine how he would appreciate and relish this moment in history.

This is a step forward for women, too. My fellow American women, I know that originally, many of you said to yourself, "Look at him, walking around, grabbing the primary from you-know-who." And switching parties and supporting Sarah Palin simply because she was a woman might have been a bit crazy, but it's no worse than what goes on in each of our heads when a victory is lost. But let me be as frank as I can be with you. Sometimes, I would like to appear on TV and just let loose, but I can't, even in a world where it's okay for Sarah Palin to kill a moose. "A pitbull with lipstick. A pitbull with lipstick." We delivered a message to adults and children that rather than discussing the issues that are both obvious and hidden, we would rely on shallow attacks and frivolous mud slinging.

But, in the end, the American people weren't fooled and they saw what was happening to this country. Through intelligent discourse, even our children can discover how to channel their energy into participating in concepts of fairness and equality. Never forget that we are more than mammals, but we are still a society who is cannibalizing ourselves while cutting out important resources. There will be a day when we all have rights, when a man and another man can elope, and I feel like I have the antidote to the illness that our great country has.

George W. Bush is no longer accountable for the financial troubles that face us. I am, and that means that I'm well aware of the struggle I'll be facing. I'll have to harden myself to criticism – while it may seem like I'm the media darling right now, half of America didn't want me to be President, let alone want me to remain an American. But now that I have won, I have to move past the concept of celebrity status, where I am compared to Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, and grow above that. As a result, I have figured which issues need to be addressed head-on first and will proceed thusly.

Women and men, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, let's cease the gossiping and in-fighting. I'm sick of all of you special interest groups and extremist views distracting this country from being as great as it should be. As President, I will be bipartisan and destroy the idea that a Democrat and a Republican cannot work together. And hopefully, this will spawn a million other people just like me. Who cross lines like me, who don't care what party you're in, who think and act like me. This might be a great thing for America.

I'm not afraid to say some things that you might not want to hear. You might joke about this with your friends in your living room, but here I am putting it all in front of you, without being false or sugarcoating anything. And even if you don't like what I'm going to say, please know that I am not like other politicians. I will tell you the truth and I want you to trust me.

It's a funny thing, being President. I have four years to accomplish something that will take ten. I am confident, however, that my goals and my plans and my pride and patriotism will inspire each and every one of you, from the teenager working at Burger King to the woman driving through the parking lot, and I am confident that there is a President Barack Obama lurking in each of you.

So, will the real President Barack Obama please stand up?
And please raise each of your hands up?
And be proud to be an American and proud to say what he or she thinks without repercussion?

I'm the real Barack Obama. And so are you. And you. You're not just imitating. So when I ask for the real Barack Obama to please stand up, that means please stand up!

(wait for applause)

Apologies to sir M. Mathers.

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