This was a very good birthday. Much better than last year's.

We had a whopper of a cake,

some mean yet delicious fudge,

some fun and games,

,

and lots of presents!

Thank you Beth for the awesome Hawaiian touristy stuff. (Yes, that's a coconut turned into a football with a sunset painted on it and it's a bank!)

Thank you, The Absurdist for the Nintendo Wii Charging Station, which I desperately needed!

Thank you to my parents for dinner and the first season of SNL on DVD.

Thank you, ADW, for the new Stephen King book. Can I call you when I scare myself silly at night reading?

Thank you, Heather, aka Coalminer's Granddaughter, for the Ghost Hunters book! I love that you're a fan of the show, too! You should read this book - it has some awesome stories in it.

Thank you, AmyD, for the delicious cookies from Deluscious Cookies. I've been thinking about those since I left Los Angeles.

Thank you to my Amy for the iPhone. Now I can try to be as cool as Britt!

Thank you, Poppy, for the book and movie that I might eventually see in May sometime!

Thank you, Clown, for the fudge. It likes me plenty.

Thank you, Britt, for the Lego Star Wars Wii Game! Now I have something to do while you're working!

Thank you to Alyssa for the gourmet brownies. I think I have diabetes now!

Thank you to everyone who sent a card, an e-card, an email, an IM, made a video or posted a post about my awesomosity. Thank you if you sent a gift and I haven't gotten it yet. My ego is now the size of Texas and, in fact, the political candidates are fighting over the electoral votes it gets now. So it looks like my plan to write my own name in as a candidate might have a chance!

I don't deserve the love, but I will accept it shamelessly.

Update: Here is a picture of the awesome cookies that AmyD sent:

Because a certain fucker hasn't sent me the pictures that she took, I don't have the pictures I wanted to post as part of a recap. Tomorrow I should have an actual birthday recap with photos and thanks and everything going out to all of the awesome people out there. Since my plans for today's post have been scrapped, I'm just going to share the card I scanned that I received from Sybil Law, where she actually recreated my own artwork and handmade a card!

The top part is the front of the card. The bottom part is what was on the back of the envelope. Isn't that awesome?

I'm not supposed to be here today.

Avitable asked his mom to write a post for him for his birthday. I think he was hoping he could capture some of the same magic I had on my birthday when my mom did a video post for me. Unfortunately, his mom was not up to the challenge (Which is not at all to insinuate that my mom loves me more than his mom loves him. Not at all.).

In an effort to soothe his poor wittel feelings, I agreed to step in as Avitable's mom for the day, because that's just the kind of friend I am.

I was trying to think what Avitable's mother might have said if she had been able to be here today. I wonder if she would have shared with us all the details of that magical day when she became a mom (like my mom did), remembering fondly the day the Avitable Legend really began.

Probably not.

Most likely, she would have used this day to lament all of the things she did wrong as a mother. Trust me, that's what we breeders do. And with a son like Adam, there's no doubt she has a long list of things that keep her up at night - wondering if she somehow could have done things differently, if it would have mattered.

Of course, I can't presume to speak officially for Mrs. Avitable, but I think it's safe to assume that she'd say...

I wish I had made his father hide the Hustlers better. All that nudity probably isn't good for a boy.

I should have been firmer when I found that silicone anus in his closet when he was 10. I figured it was a stage. The priest said it was probably nothing.

Speaking of which, I should have known better than to leave him alone with that guy.

I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had spent some time teaching him about the four food groups. I always assumed when he grew up he would naturally start eating grown up food.

I probably should have had a talk with him about those comics too. When he said he wasn't going to prom because there was a "convention" in town, that was probably a sign I shouldn't have ignored.

Although to be fair, it was just such a relief he wasn't trying to get special permission to take that Girl Scout again. God that was embarrassing. How do you explain to your friends that your 17 year old son is petitioning the school to be able to take a 12 year old girl to a dance?

And to think, I was so relieved to see him taking an interest in girls for once.

That joke about dressing him up in my clothes and telling him he was "mommy's little princess" really backfired.

He was my princess though. So cute too, in my hats and pearls. With the feathers and the jewels, you could almost forget he was covered in hair. God I remember how shocked I was to see so much hair on such a young boy.

*sigh* Yeah, I probably should have protected him from the pornography. And maybe I should have suppressed my disappointment that he wasn't a girl and nurtured the masculine side of him a little more. But he was my baby, hair and flamboyance and all.

And truth be told, he really still is.

Yeah, I think that's what she would have said.

Happy Birthday Avitable! And remember to join me as I co-host Mr. Fab's Big One Year Anniversary Show this weekend! (Sunday, 7pm EST, check local listings for details.)

If you've read my proclamation over at the Church of Holy Avitableness, you may have seen this edict:

There are no rituals or ceremonies other than blogging for a normal parishioner of the COHA. However, if one wishes to become a Minister of Avitableness, there are three requirements:

1. Consume the holy communion. Forged from compressed and processed materials, the communion of the COHA consists of a microwaveable beef and cheese burrito heated to perfection and coated in refrigerated Hershey's chocolate syrup. The communion must be eaten with gusto. Lip smacks must abound.

Faithful readers from years past will also recall the discussion of delicious chocolate-covered burritos in these posts:

• TMI, part 2
• When in doubt

I've heard doubt, disgust, and disbelief. A few people made the valid point that I honestly haven't eaten one of these delicacies since I was in high school, which was 13 years ago.

So, for day four of AvitaWeek 2008, I decided to go ahead and show just how awesome and delicious a chocolate-covered burrito (or chocorrito, as I have now named them) can be!

This is one video you do not want to miss:

Here's the direct link from Youtube.

And don't forget! My birthday is in three days, and it's not too late to send me naked pictures of yourself or some other type of awesome gift! You can even check my wishlists if you want to actually spend your hard earned cash on spoiling me.

Last, but not least, for the "Guess Which Part" contest, here are the correct answers:

1. That is, indeed, my right butt cheek.
2. The bottom of my horrible, horrible foot.
3. My left knee.
4. Yup - most of you guessed it. That's my testicle.
5. Gorilla chest.
6. A shoulder.
7. My stomach - can't you see the happy trail?

I don't think anyone actually guessed all of them correctly. Thanks for playing!

It's Day 3 of AvitaWeek 2008, counting down to my 31st birthday (which is on the 26th, but we'll be celebrating on Friday instead). As always, you are encouraged to send me cards and beaucoup gifts. You can even see what I like on my wishlists!

Before we kick off today's post, I wanted to give a shout out to a birthday girl today - the hot, eloquent, and saucy yet demure Nina! She discovered this blog during NaNoWhoKnew, and I found her blog to be awesome and hilarious and smart. In fact, she's one of my favorite new blogs. Take a quick trip and wish this smokin' hot English teacher a happy birthday. I'll wait here.

Okay, done? Let's move on.

As I've said, this week is supposed to be all about Avitable. My ego is so huge that it has its own zip code, but it can always get bigger. Today, instead of coming up with something about myself (especially after yesterday's intimate look), I've decided that it's your turn!

Another one of my favorite new bloggers, Dan (who I gave a lashing to when I reviewed his blog last year), had a great idea about gathering testimonials about himself from readers that would subsequently be posted in his "About" section. Some were tongue-in-cheek, some were straightforward, but it was pretty fun.

On Dan's post, he says:

Seeing as though the comments on this blog are usually far more entertaining than the actual posts I thought that approach might work here too. I must point out that I’m not fishing for compliments; insults, name calling and general slander are encouraged too. You can write anything you want and I’ll publish it verbatim (within reason).

For me, of course, it's the opposite. My posts are far more entertaining than any of your comments, but here's your chance to finally have a comment that outshines the general awesomeness of my post! I'm also not fishing for compliments - I'll take anything I can get.

So, whether you're one of my top commenters, my mother, a lurker, or someone in between, let's hear it.

UPDATE:

I hate to say that I have completely neglected another of my favorite bloggers, the redheaded menace with a spoon, Tracy! She turns 40 today and needs all types of good birthday wishes. So head over there and wish her a happy birthday too!

As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2008. I plan on shamelessly celebrating my 31st birthday all week long and soliciting presents, cards, and well wishes. I'm even going to keep posting links to my wishlists!

To kick off the week, since today is also Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I've decided to demonstrate just how alike the good Reverend and I are.

With apologies to Martin Luther King, Jr. Because I have a fuckin' dream too.

I have a dream that one day long pants will be outlawed, and only outlaws will wear long pants.

I have a dream that one day from the golden arches of McDonald's, the food will contain no calories but still retain their greasy deliciousness.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Florida, a state sweltering with the fucking humidity, oppressed with blue-haired drivers, will be transformed into an air-conditioned oasis of freedom from slow driving.

I have a dream that the four hundred children I have scattered over this earth will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the gorilla hair on their back but by the content of their character and the size of their huge penii.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every vagina shall be exalted, and every breast shall be made perfect, the rough places will be made smooth, and the crooked penii will be made straight; and orgasms shall flow like the river.

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I sleep nightly with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a cock of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of boobs and sex. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to mutually masturbate together, to grope together, to go to jail together, to stand up with an erection together, knowing that we will all be naked one day.