Today I turn 34.

Me and Vince Carter.

It kind of annoys me that this guy, who nobody knows, not only shares the same birthday but the same age with me, because what if people get us confused? I really don’t want the millions of birthday wishes that I deserve to be sent to the wrong person. So, in the selfish interest of making sure that I get all of the birthday wishes coming my way, here’s a little primer on the differences between me and Vince Carter.

The Difference Between Vince Carter, 34, and Adam Avitable, 34:

Vince Carter	Adam Avitable
Was born in Daytona Beach.	Grew up in Daytona Beach.
Played varsity sports in high school (Basketball)	Played varsity sports in high school (Swimming)
Married a doctor, is now divorced.	Married a lawyer, is now divorced.
Owns a restaurant.	Eats in a lot of restaurants.
Can reach the really, really high shelves in the kitchen.	Can reach the high shelves in the kitchen.
Likes rap music.	Likes Eminem.
Won a gold medal in the Olympics.	Could totally win a gold medal in the Special Olympics.
Grows a decent beard.	Grows an awesome beard.
Has never won an Oscar.	Has never won an Oscar.
Has a vertical leap of 43 inches.	Has a horizontal circumference of ~48 inches.
Can palm a basketball.	Palms his balls constantly.
Blogs regularly, and tweets frequently.	Blogs daily and tweets constantly.
Has a really good tan.	Needs to get back out by the pool some more.

Well, fuck. Now I’m not sure that even I could tell us apart!

Happy birthday to Vince and Jenny Grace‘s Gabriel and Alan Labovitz and all the other people who share my birthday!

So I survived my trip to a haunted bed and breakfast – I’ll write more about that later. Today marks the end of the week of Avitable, culminating on my birthday.

I turn 32 today, a fact that fills me with dread, because no matter what anyone else says, everything from 30 on is downhill, the inevitable march towards 40, which is even worse than it sounds! “40 is the new 20,” people say. Bullshit! You’re still 40!

I received gifts from several of my blogger friends, and I will be thanking each and every one of you soon, so don’t worry if you haven’t heard from me yet. I’m sure the gift arrived, but I just haven’t had time to properly appreciate it and respond to you.

Anyways, in “celebration” of my slow decline into death, I thought I would come up with 32 things that annoy me. (Originally, I was going to list 32 things that I have witnessed or enjoyed or am proud of, but that’s way too sunshiny happy optimistic for a cynical elitist condescending bastard such as myself.)

32 Things that Annoy, Displease or Otherwise Offend Avitable:

32. People who don’t know the difference between possessives and plurals.
31. Movie talkers
30. Dress codes
29. American Idol
28. Country music
27. Spectator sports
26. Laugh tracks
25. Things that are dumbed down for people with no attention spans
24. Machismo
23. Freeloaders
22. Studio executives
21. Fake breasts
20. Children
19. Bodybuilders
18. Mushrooms
17. Overly friendly strangers
16. Incompetence at any level
15. Uggos
14. Anyone who watches The Hills
13. Old people who talk about sex
12. People who hide behind anonymity
11. Italian food
10. Food with bones in it
09. Couples who go out to dinner by themselves and sit on the same side of the table
08. Tattoos
07. People with no sense of humor
06. Bumper stickers
05. Ocean cruises
04. Tropical islands
03. People who try to correct me when I’m right
02. Surprises
01. Cynical elitist condescending bastards who complain about things

On the plus side, while writing this list, I figured out that I can keep this list going until my 90s!

I’m writing this quickly from our haunted hotel room. I have my night vision goggles and video camera and will be exploring the hotel shortly.

If the ghosts kill me, I hope you’ll all show up tomorrow to wish me a posthumous happy birthday!

Tonight, Amy and I are staying at a bed and breakfast that is supposedly the most haunted in Central Florida. When the TAPS team from Ghost Hunters visited it, they had several strange occurrences, including shadow figures, a chair that seemed to have a figure sitting in it, and a flip flop that went missing.

While we’re planning on enjoying ourselves there, we don’t expect to experience anything paranormal at all, for the following reasons:

1. Amy will just assume that any strange noises are made by me.
2. I’ll sleep through anything.
3. Without her glasses on, she won’t notice any shadows, much less a real person standing right in front of her.
4. My snoring will scare away any ghosts that might be within a 10-mile radius.
5. If something gets misplaced, Amy will just assume that she put it away in the wrong place.

We’ll totally be the worst amateur ghost hunters ever!

Also? I think I love these two girls:

In yesterday’s mail, I received a package from my Papa (aka my grandfather) that showed exactly where I come from. My sense of humor, my sarcasm, my overall outlook on life – I have him to thank.

Here are the three pages that made up the package I received:

He's kept this newspaper clipping for 22 years.

Could I look any more androgynous at age 10?

To be fair, they were used in elaborate war scenarios along with my Transformers.

Thanks, Papa!

As you might be aware, I have a birthday coming up. What? You didn’t now? I haven’t mentioned it enough? Well, it’s true. You can buy my love here or here!

However, today’s not all about me. It’s also the birthday of two of my favorite women who live in the computer. The first one is Tracy Kaply. She’s turning 104 today, so go wish her a happy birthday. The other is Nina from Readerwritesmith. She’s recently abandoned her blog, so I don’t want to link to it, but I think she reads me when she’s naked and lonely, so use my comments to wish her a happy birthday, too.

This weekend, Amy and I will be going to stay the night in a haunted bed and breakfast that was featured on Ghost Hunters, so stay tuned for stories from that!

Don’t forget, it’s Avitaweek 2009! Send your gifts and cards and baked goods and naked photos to: Adam Avitable, 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL 32701!!

Last night, on an episode of “Clearly, You’re Retarded“, we discussed torture. (You can download the episode and listen to it or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes).

I believe that there are situations where torture should be allowed. These situations are limited and require very specific circumstances. One example where I consider torture to be acceptable would be the following:

1. You have captured someone who you reasonably believe to be a terrorist. This reasonable belief comes from evidence beyond a reasonable doubt;
2. You also have a reasonable belief that this person is aware of the activities of other terrorists. Once again, this “reasonable belief” is not subjective, but rather the legal litmus test of the “reasonable man”; and
3. You have a reasonable belief that subjecting your prisoner to torture in order to get information is highly likely to save lives and is your only method for gathering said information.

In a situation like that, I say torture away. Put bamboo under his fingernails, waterboard him, shock him, shame him, – basically use all implements of physical and psychological torture until you have discovered the information that you need to know.

In a strictly limited situation like this, I think that it’s for the greater good. Torture one to save a thousand.

Do you agree? And if not, why?

For my birthday, could I get someone to clean my office? I’m completely overwhelmed here and to the point that I don’t even know where to start to make headway.

The left side of my desk

The center desk

The right side of my desk

The far right side of my desk

In other Avita-news:

Tonight (that’s Wednesday night for you short bus riders out there) is a brand new installment of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”!

On Tuesday, President Barack Obama indicated his desire for peace, and what better way to show his determination than the executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay and ending the use of torture such as waterboarding?

But maybe torture has its place in society. Or does it?

Britt and I are going to lightly discuss the easy topic of torture from 9 PM to 10 PM EST on Talkshoe. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

As a super A-list rock-star blogger, I have access to all types of cool information that none of you unwashed masses have. For example, I get to see TV shows three weeks before they air, and I even already know who wins this season’s Bachelor!

My biggest coup so far, though, is that I have the full, unedited text of Barack Obama’s inauguration speech that he will be giving today (Tuesday) at noon. I can’t reveal my sources, but suffice it to say that they risked life and limb to get me this uncensored copy of his upcoming highly anticipated inauguration speech. Without further ado:

My fellow Americans:

May I have your full, undivided attention please?

May I have your attention please?

As President Barack Obama, I stand up before you. I repeat, as an American citizen who loves his country, I stand up.

We have many problems to discuss today.

Until today, you have never seen an African American President before. Is it a momentous occasion on par with Rosa Parks’ arrest? With Martin Luther King, Jr.’s assassination? I think so. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “He didn’t just say what I think he did, did he?” But I did, without being immodest. Dr. King once said . . . well, he never spoke on an issue like this, and unfortunately, of course, Dr. King is dead. But we can only imagine how he would appreciate and relish this moment in history.

This is a step forward for women, too. My fellow American women, I know that originally, many of you said to yourself, “Look at him, walking around, grabbing the primary from you-know-who.” And switching parties and supporting Sarah Palin simply because she was a woman might have been a bit crazy, but it’s no worse than what goes on in each of our heads when a victory is lost. But let me be as frank as I can be with you. Sometimes, I would like to appear on TV and just let loose, but I can’t, even in a world where it’s okay for Sarah Palin to kill a moose. “A pitbull with lipstick. A pitbull with lipstick.” We delivered a message to adults and children that rather than discussing the issues that are both obvious and hidden, we would rely on shallow attacks and frivolous mud slinging.

But, in the end, the American people weren’t fooled and they saw what was happening to this country. Through intelligent discourse, even our children can discover how to channel their energy into participating in concepts of fairness and equality. Never forget that we are more than mammals, but we are still a society who is cannibalizing ourselves while cutting out important resources. There will be a day when we all have rights, when a man and another man can elope, and I feel like I have the antidote to the illness that our great country has.

George W. Bush is no longer accountable for the financial troubles that face us. I am, and that means that I’m well aware of the struggle I’ll be facing. I’ll have to harden myself to criticism – while it may seem like I’m the media darling right now, half of America didn’t want me to be President, let alone want me to remain an American. But now that I have won, I have to move past the concept of celebrity status, where I am compared to Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, and grow above that. As a result, I have figured which issues need to be addressed head-on first and will proceed thusly.

Women and men, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, let’s cease the gossiping and in-fighting. I’m sick of all of you special interest groups and extremist views distracting this country from being as great as it should be. As President, I will be bipartisan and destroy the idea that a Democrat and a Republican cannot work together. And hopefully, this will spawn a million other people just like me. Who cross lines like me, who don’t care what party you’re in, who think and act like me. This might be a great thing for America.

I’m not afraid to say some things that you might not want to hear. You might joke about this with your friends in your living room, but here I am putting it all in front of you, without being false or sugarcoating anything. And even if you don’t like what I’m going to say, please know that I am not like other politicians. I will tell you the truth and I want you to trust me.

It’s a funny thing, being President. I have four years to accomplish something that will take ten. I am confident, however, that my goals and my plans and my pride and patriotism will inspire each and every one of you, from the teenager working at Burger King to the woman driving through the parking lot, and I am confident that there is a President Barack Obama lurking in each of you.

So, will the real President Barack Obama please stand up?
And please raise each of your hands up?
And be proud to be an American and proud to say what he or she thinks without repercussion?

I’m the real Barack Obama. And so are you. And you. You’re not just imitating. So when I ask for the real Barack Obama to please stand up, that means please stand up!

(wait for applause)

Apologies to sir M. Mathers.

[See post to listen to audio]

Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! My birthday is on January 26th – go here or here to buy me a present!

As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2009! My birthday is on Monday, January 26th, and I plan on being shameless in my celebration over the next seven days, by brazenly soliciting presents, baked goods, cards, well wishes, photos of your boobs, posts on next Monday dedicated solely to my awesomeness, and grainy home videos of you having sex.

Last year, during Avitaweek 2008, my first post also coincided with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. In that post, I compared our similarities. This year, I’m going to talk to the man himself:

I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

MLK: It’s my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.

Me: Can I call you Marty?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.

MLK: Ummm….

Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?

MLK: What?

Me: They don’t have movies in heaven? I’d think you’d have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you’re actually in hell?

MLK: No, no. I just don’t trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-

Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.

MLK: You’re quite impudent.

Me: I’m just bored with your snootiness. You’re quite full of yourself for a-

MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?

Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?

MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.

Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.

MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!

Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.

MLK: No, I’m saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.

Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?

MLK: I’m talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.

Me: Ohhh, you’re talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.

MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?

Me: No, why?

MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.

Me: Wow. Preachy much?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: I’m just saying – now you’re being a bit uppity.

Me: Hello?

Me: Marty?

Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! Go here or here to buy me a present!