As most of you know, I have my own church - The Church of Holy Avitableness.

We don't do mass. There's no collection plate. We don't have a church building. There are no vestments. I don't even have a Holy Book!

What we do have, though, is CONFESSION.

It's good for the soul. It's good for the heart. It's downright good for you.

And today on Avitable.com is Confession Day.

Today's comments are for confessions. You don't have to be specific. You can log out and confess as Anonymous. You can confess whatever sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog - you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. You can make it a general confession about a sin, or you can make it a specific confession to a specific person who can remain nameless or be named.

It doesn't matter. Just confess.

I'll start:

Confession #1:

When I worked at a video store, and later at a mall movie store, I stole over 400 VHS tapes for my own personal movie collection. At the movie store, I would have a friend come in with my list of movies, plus a few for himself, and he'd pull them from the shelves, come over to the cash register, where I would pretend to ring him out, scan the movies so they wouldn't set off the security, and then put them in a bag with a fake paper receipt, and he'd walk out. At the video store, I would take movies off of the shelves, delete them from the system, and then put them in my bag that I would take with me at the end of the night.

Confession #2:

I like to lie to the Burger King people and tell them that they forgot to give me a Hershey's Sundae Pie last time I went through the drive-through, and they always give me one for free.

Confession #3:

I am very guilty of envying other people's possessions and success, and I will typically try to do whatever I can to reach the same level or take them down a notch to my level.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!

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Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here's the NYCWD update:

As of right now, at midnight EST on Saturday, June 30th, we have just raised $3300! I'm really amazed and proud of the support and generosity of every single blogger who posted a comment on NYCWD's blog, made their own post about his tragic loss, or bought a graphic or two or ten! It's almost enough to turn this cynic's black, twisted heart into a real one.

So, today is it. This is your last chance to buy a graphic, and your last chance to pitch in and make a difference for NYCWD. Let's see if we can hit $3500!

And now, Sunday's post:

Firstly, I've decided that I'm not going to continue doing the Weeks in Review. They were fun to do, but very time consuming, and I think I'd rather focus my energy on a normal post on Sundays. I might come up with another shtick for Sundays, but I guess we'll see.

Today, I want to talk about Jesus.

Well, kind of. I wanted to bring two recockulous videos to your attention. I saw them a while ago, but a recent conversation with a blogger who is under attack by a fundamentalist Christian discussion board made me decide to post this.

Both of these videos are titled: "The Atheist's Nightmare." The first one has Kirk Cameron learning about how the banana is the atheist's nightmare because of the peel, the size, the consistency, and other factors. This video ignores, of course, the fact that this moron is using a domesticated banana that has been crossbred to be like it is, not a wild banana, which looks almost nothing like the domestic one. Which pretty much fucks his entire theory right in the ass, don't you think?

This next video discusses how peanut butter disproves the theory of evolution. I can't even waste the brainpower to explain how retarded this theory is. They completely misunderstand the basics of evolution. It's infuriating that a generation of people could grow up watching this tripe and thinking that it could possibly be true!

It's shit like this that gives normal, intelligent, logical Christians a bad name. This makes everyone think that if you're Christian, you're clearly an idiot lacking the intelligence of the chimpanzee from which you evolved. That you're a sheep who just follows, without thinking or investigating anything for yourself. The rest of the Christians, who make up at least 90% of the Christians out there, should hunt down these idiots and cockpunch them. Repeatedly.

Happy Sunday!

A reading from the book of Avitable:

And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.

And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying "Holy God that hurts!" He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.

After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, "Oh, shit."

When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said "It is finished:" and he fell over and gave up the ghost.

For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.

Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is "The Great Outdoors 2", "Uncle Buck's Back", "Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails", or even "Who's Harry Crumb This Time?", we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.

Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.

May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.

And don't forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!