As many of you already know from my treatise on dog fucking, at my heart, I am an educator.
So when my stats showed that someone found my blog by searching Google for "What do I do with my jizz when I'm finished masturbating?" I knew I had to leap into action. Edu-action!
Clearly another misguided soul came to my blog seeking enlightenment, and who was I to deny him?
Well, my young onanist, from my meticulous research (which consisted of thinking really hard, doing one Google search that yielded nothing and one that yielded WAY too much, and reviewing an extensive porn collection), there are five different types of ejaculating moves after a man is done masturbating, and these moves determine what type of masturbator he is.
The five different types of pickle strokers are as follows: drippers, grippers, lickers, sippers, and sprayers.
Drippers: This is arguably the most common method of ejaculation after masturbation. Once the man is finished relishing his hot dog, he immediately finds a venue with which he can release his baby batter. Whether this is a plastic cup, a tissue, a sock, a magazine, a fake vagina, a towel, or even the carpet, the penis is emptied and then put away for the next rainy day.
Pros: Quick and easy.
Cons: Stiff, dried socks and hand towels emit strange odor if not washed quickly.
Grippers: The gripper is a bit more fastidious than the dripper. Once he is done clubbing the dolphin, he uses his hand to create a vise grip under the head of the penis, preventing any leaking of the salty yogurt, and then he moves to a safe location, such as a toilet or bathtub, and releases his orgasm in one grunt.
Pros: Usually cleaner. If emptied in toilet, can flush, then wash hands, and be done.
Cons: Have to make it to bathroom. If you cough or trip, watch out for a cumsplosion.
Lickers: A licker is the least common masturbator, as it requires a combination of flexibility and above-average penis length. The licker is also known as auto-fellatio, and instead of doing the knuckle shuffle, he uses his hands to push his pelvis into his face, where he can suck himself off and swallow the resulting kiddie cocktail.
Pros: Has to be more fun than the other ways. No mess at all.
Cons: People have broken their necks trying this.
Sippers: When it comes to masturbating, the sipper is a bit stranger. They're just as interested in the resulting creme de men as the actual act of playing the skin flute. Once they've ejaculated, they usually hold it in their palm or other container, and devour the sputum in one gulp.
Pros: No clean up. Fun from beginning to end.
Cons: Might ruin your dinner.
Sprayers: These men have usually watched too many porn movies and consider themselves amateur John Holmeses. The wanking is just part of the fun, but it's all a buildup to the whitewater volcano, which he lets fly in multiple streams. It might land on the desk or couch, although typically it's all over his own chest, stomach, legs, and testicles. The more distance one can get, the closer one is, theoretically, to meeting Jenna Jameson and showing her what a real man does.
Pros: It's almost an Olympic sport.
Cons: It can be a bitch to get out of matted hair.
So, my fist fucking friend, there are your options when it comes to releasing the hostages. Choose wisely, and may your penis be unchafed, your stroke be even, and your orgasm magnificent!
Humor Blogs is all about mutual masturbation.
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