Please don’t read this post. It is the most vile, disgusting, horrible, evil thing I’ve ever written, and I am neither exaggerating nor being sarcastic.

A talent agent is sitting in his office when a family walks in. The agent looks at the father, mother, teenage daughter, young son, grandfather, grandmother, and dog, and says “So, what kind of act do you do?”

Dearest Avitable reader, if you are going to read this post, before you continue, you should familiarize yourself with the moral turpitude and vulgarity that are prevalent in the typical telling of the Aristocrats joke, and proceed with utmost care, trepidation, and caution.

Without a word, the father reaches over and punches his daughter so hard in the face that she flies across the room, spewing blood and teeth everywhere. The son immediately jumps to her side and kicks her square in the jaw until she is unconscious, laying in a pool of her own seeping mouthblood.

As the dog begins to lap up the blood, the grandfather reaches over, caresses his granddaughter’s head, and then proceeds to pull out any remaining teeth using a pair of pliers that have an obscene amount of rust on them. Meanwhile, the mother and father begin to undress each other forcefully, tearing every shred of clothing off while yelling “Nice asshole, Jesus!” every time a piece of clothing fails to yield.

If you’re still continuing to read this, be warned that it will only get worse, and you may not escape with any semblance of dignity until it is too late. It is your prerogative.

Now that the daughter’s teeth have been completely removed, the grandfather and the son prop up the daughter’s unconscious body and begin to paint her vigorously with spray paint until she is bright red from head to toe. As she dries, both men undress completely, then drape their underwear on their throbbing erections.

The mother and father, who are completely naked, move over to the agent’s desk. The father grasps the cheeks of his buttocks in each hand and spreads them as far as they can go, and guides his pulsing rectum over to the corner of the desk, then guides the corner of the desk deeply into his anus. His wife straddles him and begins to ride his erect penis in rhythm with the corner of the desk entering his asshole. After a few moments, the father’s anus starts bleeding profusely, and a flow of blood and shit stream across the desk.

Really? You’re still reading? It doesn’t get better. This isn’t even a real joke. It’s just shock value on top of shock value for the sake of shock value. Please, stop.

The son and the grandfather, naked with their erections covered by dirty, shit-stained underwear, grab the daughter, who is still unconscious and painted a shiny fire hydrant red, and hold her mouth open. The dog wanders over, gets on his two back legs, and proceeds to fuck her toothless mouth-hole with his erect purple and black canine cock. The son and grandfather use their free hands to reach across the daughter and masturbate the other’s erect penis. Behind them, the grandmother begins to slowly disrobe.

As the mother and father continue to participate in a threesome with the corner of the desk, the pool of shit and blood pouring from the father’s destroyed rectum continues to spread. The mother keeps riding the father’s erect penis, punching him in the testicles with every descent. With her free hand, she begins to root around in her nose, pulling out mucous and snot which she flicks across the room onto the son, grandfather, and unconscious daughter, who is still being mouth-fucked by the horny dog.

I’m begging you to stop reading. Just close the computer and go look at kittens or something.

The grandmother has removed all of her clothing, and as she watches the son and the grandfather jerk each other off, she begins to tie her hanging droopy tits into a bow. The dog emits a low woof and withdraws his penis from the daughter’s mouth just enough to cover the top of her head in a steaming load of dog sperm, right as the son and the grandfather also ejaculate, onto each other and onto the daughter’s bright red head. The mother hops off the father, flicking snot and boogers onto the daughter, while the father eases his anus off of the corner of the desk and hobbles over to the son, grandfather, and daughter, wherein he proceeds to cum all over their sticky, cum-soaked cocks and the cum-dripping head of the unconscious daughter. His stomach rumbles, and he barely has time to turn around before a torrent of shit and blood spray from his prolapsed anus, coating the room.

The entire family collapses to the ground, breathing heavily, covered in snot, shit, jizz, and blood, except for the grandmother, who has finished tying her pendulous breasts into a neat, purpling bow. On all fours, she walks around to each family member and licks them from head to toe, swallowing gallons of blood and shit and cum until each family member sparkles from cleanliness. Once she’s finished, she stands up, takes a bow, and promptly dies.

Stunned, the agent says “My God, what do you call that act?”

The family raises their arms triumphantly, except for the corpse of the grandmother and the daughter who is laying half-dead on the floor, displaying beaming smiles, and the father says “The Aristocrats”!

Monday is for bullets:

• The other night I had an idea for a funny riff about oral sex. From my own informal knowledge, I knew a few women who disliked receiving oral sex, and I formed a theory. It’s all about the pantomime. Women can pantomime oral sex in a sexy way. A lick of a popsicle, gently eating a hot dog – almost any food that has any type of cylindrical shape can be consumed in such a way that it will evoke fellatial memories, and the act itself is perpetuated as a constantly positive experience.

  On the other hand, there’s no way to pantomime cunnilingus in a sexy way. You can’t have imagery of that act that looks sexy. I was going to take photographs of all the goofy faces that would have to be made to pantomime or list activities like and then would use that to advance this theory that if the act itself could be portrayed in a sexy way, more women would be interested in receiving it.

  Trust me. It would have been funny! But then I decided to be scientific and actually take a survey (you can participate by clicking the link below my header or here.) And the reality of the situation (out of 178 polled when I wrote this) is that 82% of women enjoy receiving oral sex, which just fucks up my entire theory. Although, when I did a fictional poll of 200 men, asking them if they enjoyed receiving oral sex, 178% responded with a resounding “Fucking Duh!”

• 
  Today is the birthday of my good friend, Sheila. She’s an amazing person who has overcome every obstacle she’s faced with a solid determination. She’s the glue of her family and I’m proud to call her my friend. Happy birthday, Sheila.
• This weekend I saw both “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” and “The Expendables”. I recommend them both. Scott Pilgrim is sugary pop that takes a deeper look at dysfunctional relationships than you’d expect. It’s got a lot of fun, feeling like a weird combination between “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, the old 60s Batman, and “A Life Less Ordinary.” I loved it and want to see it again. “The Expendables” is a throw-back to the old ’80s action films, with larger-than-life men who can shrug off bullets like their mosquito bites, cars and buildings that blow up if you shoot enough bullets at them, and cheesy one-liners tossed willy-nilly. It’s fun and it’s crazy to think that Stallone is actually 64 years old! Also, see if you can tell the scene in the movie when Stone Cold Steve Austin actually broke Stallone’s neck during filming!
• If you’re having an IM conversation with someone and you want to give them the finger, here’s an emoticon I invented for just that occasion: mln
• I am trying to plan my travel for the next year, and it’s looking busy. I am going to be in Vermont in the end of September, may go to Canada for Blissdom in the end of October, Utah for Christmas, maybe New Orleans for Mom 2.0, plus Los Angeles, Vegas, Dallas, and Minneapolis at some point. Maybe I should just start an Avitable Tour.
• Oh yeah – remember how I got the gold removed from my toes and had a new color put on? Here’s a photo:
  

The Urban Dictionary is an interesting yet scary place on the Internet. Next time you’re having a conversation with a group of friends and one of them says that she and her boyfriend did the Dutch Lumberjack last night, instead of just nodding your head and smiling, you can look it up and know that your friend’s boyfriend pushed her onto her stomach, yelled “Timber”, and fell on top of her, trying to aim his penis right for her butthole. Or if your mom is on the phone with you telling you that your dad pulled the ol’ cajun doorbell with her, you can easily research it to find out that your parents were mid-coitus in the position best known as “doggy style” when your dad licked his finger, dipped it in cayenne pepper, and stuck it in your mom’s ass.

I’ve decided that, in addition to fathering hundreds of Avitababies throughout the blogosphere, I’d like to leave my indelible mark on the world by coming up with my very own entries in the Urban Dictionary. So here goes:

The Frankengina

KFC: Coating your testicles in cornmeal, deep frying them, and presenting them to your lover on a plate for him or her to enjoy as a lip smackingly delicious snack.

ex: Please take me to the hospital. I just did a KFC.

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure: When a man, prior to intercourse, dances on the bed naked, pointing to his crotch and ass with both hands in rapid succession, while singing “Tequila”.

ex: Faiqa is never more turned on than when her husband does Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Fail Whale: The unfortunate event when a woman tweets or blogs about upcoming sex with her boyfriend or spouse, only to have his equipment fail to operate according to expectations.

ex: Muskrat and Deb were finally alone in the house, but it just ended up being a giant Fail Whale.

Sideview mirror: When things in real life are larger than they may appear on the Internet.

ex: I went out with that girl from Match.com, but her photos were deceiving. She was a total Sideview Mirror.

Frankengina: Any type of sexual aid for men that is made out of household items.

ex: She caught her husband Shawn making a watermelon, saran wrap, and a bottle of honey mustard into a Frankengina.

Avitaballs: Testicles that have been decorated for the holidays.

ex: On Halloween, the kids and I love to drive around the neighborhood and check out the Avitaballs.

Kanye Chest: During intercourse, when a man pulls out, ejaculates on his partner’s chest, tosses her a sex toy and says “Imma let you finish.”

ex: Angie divorced her husband after he Kanye Chested her for the third night in a row.

You might think that after going to a drag show at the Parliament House on Saturday night, the most interesting thing that I saw that night would have been the performances.

Or the strange-looking girl who was celebrating her 21st birthday with her two gay male friends and had been going to the drag shows religiously since she was 18.

Or the man in the shiny silver banana hammock dancing on a column in the middle of an almost empty room.

Or the juxtaposition of a hot dog stand being the only food offered.

Or maybe the fat, hairy straight guy whose name rhymes with Shmavitable who was dancing with reckless abandon after a few mai tais.

But no.

The most interesting sight of the entire evening was the Orlando Sisters, a group of men dressed like a combination of nuns from the 1950s and geisha girls, promoting safe sex by handing out condoms to everyone who walked by. And this was compounded by the folded wrapper for the condoms, which came with extremely detailed instructions for preparation and use. Enjoy:

What was the most interesting thing that YOU saw this weekend?

Every year, adult film companies come up with oh-so clever porn films that have titles very similar to blockbuster films out at that moment. Some examples of this marketing genius would be Good Will Humping, Bareback Mountain, and Pump Friction.

I’ve decided to give the adult film industry some help by coming up with the names to use for their upcoming adult films. And while nothing I can come up with will be close to 30 Rock’s “Fresh-Ass, Based on the Novel Tush, by Ass-Phire”, I shall certainly endeavor to do my best:

• Hercock Bones: Watch she-male Hercock Bones solve crimes while declaring “It’s analmentary, my dear Cockson.”
• Assatar: What’s better than lots of buttsex? Lots of BLUE buttsex!
• Star Taint: For Captain Jessica Tits Krack, the key to saving the galaxy may be in that spot between that taint her vagina and taint her asshole.
• (500) Dates of Some Whore: One woman, 500 men, and a loose vagina.
• The Fantastic Mr. Cocks: In order to combat the evil women farmers Bongos, Peen and Cunts, Mr. Cocks must use his every wit and his 12-inch monster cock.
• Sperminator Salivation: The evil computer system Skytit has developed an unkillable fuck machine to wipe out all humans – well, the males, at least.
• GI Ho: The Rise of Boobra: Can this team of men culled from the world’s best branches beat Boobra? Will they be fast enough, hard enough, and thick enough?
• Fast and Bi-curious: A team of drag racing men, all former convicts, band together to race through Los Angeles and explore each other’s taut, muscular bodies. Starring Vin Diesel.
• The Sucking of Pell’s Ham 1 2 3: The NYC subway system hosts this subway car orgy.
• Jennifer’s Body: A newly possessed cheerleader, played by Megan Fox, turns into a killer who specializes in offing her male classmates.

Yesterday I enjoyed a lazy afternoon drinking margaritas with Faiqa and Britt. I told them this story, and their reactions informed my decision to share it here.

Artist's depiction

About one month ago, I visited a new primary care physician who came highly recommended. I figured, since my current health insurance will only last as long as it takes for the divorce to be finalized, I need to take advantage of preventive care while I can. My new doctor is a prim and proper, very serious, short, tiny Indian woman who kind of reminded me of what Yoda would be like if it was an Indian doctor. She was also very well-informed, and suggested some treatment for a few ailments I had. After telling her that I was going through a divorce, had a lot of stress from work, and had days where I just stared at my computer screen but couldn’t bring myself to do any work, she suggested that I give the anti-depressant Lexapro a try for thirty days to see if that helped. She said that it sounded like I might have mild depression but that’s not uncommon after huge life changes. Then she prescribed blood work, gave me some Lexapro samples, and told me to come back in 30 days.

Cut to this past Friday.

“Hello, Mr. Avitable,” she said, carrying her laptop as she entered the room.

“Hi.”

“How have you been feeling? Anything you need to talk about?”

“Well, yeah. I’ve been on the Lexapro for thirty days now.”

“And how has that been going?”

“Well, I’ve noticed a bit more motivation, but unfortunately, I’ve also noticed some lethargy and sexual side effects, too.”

“Okay.”

“My therapist suggested Wellbutrin instead. She said that even if that’s a bit stronger, it might not have the same negative side effects.”

“Hm. Okay, well, tell me again what’s been going on.”

“Oh, well, usually, when I masturbate, it’s a piece of cake and I know I can reach orgasm in whatever time I need, like 5-10 minutes or so. But recently, it’s taking me like 45 minutes or more and even then I still can’t orgasm.”

“Umm, I was talking about why we put you on the Lexapro in the first place.”

So, anyone know a new primary care office I can go to, since I can’t show my face at this one ever again?

From the site: “My New Pink Button” is a simple to use Genital Cosmetic Colorant that restores the “Pink” back to a woman’s genitals. It is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

You’d think that a big selling point of this product would be the before and after shots, but nope. I looked.

Is genital color loss something you’ve noticed?

“Did you see your parents naked a lot?” She asked, sitting straight in her chair, both hands clasped on her knee. Very poised.

This almost made me lay down. To this day, I’ve resisted laying down on the couch. I sit up, with a foot on her coffee table. Sometimes I rest my arm on the pillow. But I never lay down. “No. In fact, as far as I can remember, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them naked.”

“So your family wasn’t very free with nudity or sex?”

“Definitely not. In fact, when my dad tried to talk with me about sex, it was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. All he got out was ‘Um, Adam, there are some things we need to discuss’ and I almost shouted ‘Yeah, I had a class. Got it figured out. Thanks.’”

“Was there ever any discussion about wet dreams or masturbation when you were younger?”

“I never had any wet dreams. I learned about masturbation early on and started doing that when I was eight or nine. I flipped the fuck out the first time I ejaculated, though. I thought I had done something really, really wrong.”

“Did you ask your parents about it?”

“Nope. I was too scared. I just read books on the subject – I can’t remember if it was my mother’s Physician’s Desk Reference, the encyclopedia, or if I waited until I had time at the library, but I found a book that explained it, and researched it until I learned that ejaculation was normal.”

“So, after that, masturbation was a pretty frequent occurrence?”

“Not really. I shared a room with my brother until I was a young teen, so it only happened when I could have some time to myself. We weren’t allowed to lock our doors, so that meant either when I had the house to myself or if I was out somewhere.”

“Out somewhere?”

“Well, I’d sneak outside in the middle of the night or sometimes do it in the bathroom at the library or at school.”

“Did you ever get caught? Did you want to get caught?”

“I never wanted to get caught, and I never did. Well, except for that time my dad caught me.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrow raised a millimeter.

“Yeah. I was babysitting for a friend of the family’s. They just had a small infant who had been asleep the entire night in his bedroom, and I knew where the Playboy collection was. In the middle of the living room, I stripped down completely naked and jerked it like a monkey. When I was done, I accidentally made a little mess on the floor, so I went into the bathroom to clean up. As I’m in the bathroom, I hear the front door open. My clothes were in the main room, along with the magazines and a nice little pile of baby batter, and I heard my dad say ‘Adam?’”

“Holy shit!”

“Yeah. The only towel in that bathroom was a little washcloth, so I grabbed it and walked into the living room, using that to cover my junk. It was like something out of a movie, except horribly embarrassing and not at all funny.”

“What did he say?”

“Well, I tried to make some excuse about spilling soda on my clothes and trying to dry off, but I don’t think he bought it. He looked down at the clothes, the magazine, and the quickly drying jizz, and just said ‘Clean that shit up and we’ll see you at home.’ And then he walked out the door and never mentioned it again.”

“Wow. That’s fucked up.”

“Is that advanced psychological scientific terminology?”

“Nope. It’s just fucked up.”