Archive for the ‘General’ Category

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Chat Roulette

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

This video is awesome – this guy uses this site called Chat Roulette to chat with random people and improvise songs with the piano, and he has a great experience, chatting with a great variety of people from different races, genders, and ages. I loved the idea so I did what I like to do, and I stole the idea for myself.

I planned on just doing some improv comedy, almost like a stand up picking on people in the audience. I went through 10 different chatters, and here's what I got:

Chatter #1: Man jerking off

Chatter #2: Man jerking off

Chatter #3: Man in ninja costume jerking off

Chatter #4: Businessman in suit who stood up and started jerking off

Chatter #5: Photo of a girl that got torn down to show a guy jerking off.

Chatter #6: Tranny jerking off

Chatter #7: 90-year old grandmother. Who started jerking off.

Chatter #8: Monkey jerking off another monkey.

Chatter #9: Man tucking his junk and asking if I'd fuck him because he'd fuck himself. While jerking off.

Chatter #10: Catholic bishop. Jerking off a little boy.

I think the guy must have rigged his.

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Florida Strawberry Festival

Sunday, March 14th, 2010

Wearing our strawberry hats

I went to the Florida Strawberry Festival yesterday with a couple of friends, and while they apparently have concerts and pig races and a fairway and crafts and all types of other stuff, we went for the food:

Deep fried Pepsi was concentrated Pepsi syrup fried in dough. Eating this was like having all the bite of a Pepsi in one squirt. It was weirdly appealing. Deep fried butter was amazing – a frozen ball of butter is coated in batter and then deep fried. The butter melts, so when you take a bite, you are essentially drinking hot, delicious butter. I can't think of anything better than that.

Deep Fried Pepsi and Deep Fried Butter

The Krispy Kreme burger was a heart attack waiting to happen, and I can't imagine eating a whole one by myself. You take two hot, fresh Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts, and slap a thin burger patty with cheese and bacon in between. The sweet and salty combination made this our favorite food of the entire day.

Krispy Kreme Burger

Take salty, crispy Hormel bacon and a chocolate dipping sauce with the consistency of a fondue, and you have a winner. The chocolate dipped bacon was just a better variation on the whole "French Fry in the Frosty" thing that all of us have tried at some point.

Chocolate Dipped Bacon

No visit to the Strawberry Festival is complete without some strawberry shortcake. The strawberries are the freshest you could possibly find, and the shortcake is soft and moist. Definitely a favorite, even if it's simple.

Strawberry Shortcake

In conclusion: We drove an hour and a half to spend three hours eating some of the unhealthiest foods known to mankind and managed to avoid doing anything at all socially relevant or participatory at the same time. All in all, win win.

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Pants

Friday, March 12th, 2010

I don't believe in pants.

They're generally uncomfortable and hot and restrict your movement and have no purpose other than a dress code. They're only slightly more useful than a tie.

From the years of 2001 until 2008, I didn't even own a pair of pants of any type. I lived in Southern California and then Florida, so all I needed were shorts. I finally broke down in 2009 and bought a pair of jeans, but that was about it.

For my grandmother's funeral yesterday, I went out and bought a pair of black slacks. This might be the first pair of black pants that I have ever owned. I bought these pants out of a sense of obligation. First of all, there may have been some discussion among family members about how my post was a bit disrespectful, so I wanted to show respect at the funeral. Secondly, I just knew that my mother would probably stab me in the face if I walked into the house in a pair of shorts. And I like my face. And finally, I realized that I really didn't hate wearing the tuxedo for Britt's birthday prom, so maybe owning a pair of pants would be a good idea.

And you know what? They were comfortable, I liked how I felt and looked, and none of the issues I had with pants in previous years seemed to really exist anymore. Pants really aren't so bad after all. In fact, I might even start to like them.

Welcome to my life, pants.

Photo by findmew

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Where's the strangest place you've ever made whoopie?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

You may have seen from the news that a serial killer who was recently given the death penalty for murdering four women and a child between 1977 to 1979, Rodney Alcala, was actually a winning bachelor on "The Dating Game" in 1978.

While the media has picked up on a few of his answers as being relevantly creepy ("What's your best time?" "Nighttime.") and predictive, I have an actual transcript that shows his serial killer nature even more explicitly:

Question: Bachelor #1, we go on our second date. I don't like the beach or the movies. Where would you take me?
Answer: I'd blindfold you and drive you somewhere secluded where just the two of us could enjoy a very special time.

Question: Bachelor #1, if we got into an argument and I told you to leave, what would you do?
Answer: Oh no, we can't have that. I don't even let Mother talk to me in that tone. I'm not a naughty boy and don't deserve to be punished!

Question: Bachelor #1, what do you look for in a girl that you want to date?
Answer: Weak arms and no long fingernails.

Question: Bachelor #1, what is the most appealing part of your personality?
Answer: It depends whether or not I've given into the rage or appeased it with a sacrifice.

Question: Bachelor #1, it's our fourth date, and I've invited you into my home. What base would you try to get to?
Answer: Fourteenteen red.

Question: Bachelor #2, why should I choose you?
Answer: Well, first of all, because I'm not a fucking serial killer. I mean, c'mon, have any of you even been listening to Bachelor #1? He's creeping me out with the drooling and Charles Manson hair and the way he keeps touching himself. I'm telling you, if you go with him, you will die.

Question: Bachelor #1, same question.
Answer: Because you and I would fit together like a glove and a ball, or like a skin suit and a person wearing said skin suit.
(Bachelor #2): SEE??!??

I'd transcribe more, but that's when he pulled the dead cat out from his jacket and began to swing it around his head by the tail and called it his Jesus Helicopter Cat. You can't get much more explicit than that, people.

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My weekend in haiku

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Babysat children
Napped and watched "Couple's Retreat"
Work done: zero. Argh

In haiku form, what did you do this weekend?

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I need your music suggestions.

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

I love to work with music blasting. And while sometimes that means classical, it usually means dancy, upbeat, poppy stuff that has bass. The problem is, I feel like I've been repeating the same songs over and over and it's time to inject some fresh blood into my music IV.

I like female musicians almost exclusively, and I have the musical taste of your average 11 or 12-year old girl. Here are some of the groups I listen to on repeat right now:

Ke$ha
The Millionaires
Robyn
Pink
Lady Gaga
Britney Spears
Little Boots
Avril Lavigne
No Doubt
Lords of Acid
Peaches
Ladytron
Gorillaz
Air
Taylor Swift

I already posted this on Twitter but thought I'd carry it over to my blog too. Do you have any suggestions to add to my excellent, high quality list of musical talent? Links to Youtube videos or audio tracks of said music get extra credit.

And in case you missed it a while ago, here I am dancing to some Lords of Acid:

I want to see your pussy from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

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The tsunami that hit Hawaii

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

  • President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
  • Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
  • The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
  • The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
  • The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
  • Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
  • Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
  • Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

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Posted in General, Uncategorized | 22 Comments »

I want an orangutan!

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

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Three days left

Friday, February 26th, 2010

No real post today. But, if you haven't already, please take the time to do the following:

1. Vote for my Room Of Your Own for BlogHer 2010. Even if you're not planning on attending, a vote that you would attend shows interest and is likely to get my room chosen. If you don't have a BlogHer account, you'll have to create one, and you have to be logged in. It shouldn't take more than five minutes, and the voting ends on Sunday.

2. While you're logged in, vote for Faiqa's room too!

3. Ask me anything. I'll answer the questions in a later post:

(No, that's not the comment form, retard. Scroll down to leave a comment.)

(Oh, and you can go here to see my answers and ask more questions.)

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Posted in General, blogher | 14 Comments »

How to make everything more awesome

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Without the genius addition of a $, Ke$ha would just be "Kesha", a trashy blonde girl with very little actual musical talent. Instead, Ke$ha is a music sensation! That simple substitution of a punctuation symbol for a letter has been used in the geek world for a long time. It's known as "leet speak". And, once again, something geeky is being used to make the world more awesome.

I think that we should take really shitty things and make them more palatable with leet speak. It could revolutionize the world, just like the iPhone. Take a kid who hates spinach, for example. Do you think maybe he'd eat "$P!NACH"? Totally – the exclamation point and dollar sign substitution will fool him into thinking he's eating something AWESOME. Here are some other things that we could bling up with some punctuation:

  • Having trouble making ends meet? Don't worry if you have to declare B4NKRUP7CY – it's super fun!.
  • Male and over the age of 30? Don't forget to go in for your annual awesome PR0$TAT3 3XAM.
  • It's okay that you got an F. It is cool to be a PHA!LUR3!
  • Did last night's one-night stand leave you burning and itching? Be proud of your H3RP3$.
  • No biggie about your car accident – revel in the fact that your leg had to be A/\/\PUT4T3D!
  • Did last night's one-night stand leave you a little pregnant? Just go have an awesome 4B0RT!0N.
  • Been hanging out in dirty hot tubs? It's okay – it's only a Y3A$T INPH3C7!0N.
  • Is your TV remote broken? Don't be upset that it's stuck on the DI$N3Y CH4NN3L.
  • Did you wake up with a fat hairy guy slapping you in the face with his penis? It's only 4V17ABL3!

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