The first sign that I might be addicted to technology was when I assessed everything that I was packing for my three-night trip to San Francisco.  Why did I think that I would need a laptop, corded mouse, two separate portable iPhone battery packs, digital camera, Kindle, Kindle Fire, Android, bluetooth, Looxcie bluetooth camcorder, plus the iPhone used to take the photo, all in four days? The second sign that I was addicted is that I took that photo, posted it on Instagram, tweeted it, sent it to Facebook, and now I’m blogging about it.

I checked into the Delta counter at ass-crack o’clock on Friday morning.  My suitcase, for only four days, was packed with way too many clothes, since I tend to pack back-ups and emergency clothes for any number of imagined scenarios. (What if I tear six shirts in a row in a Hulk-like rage? I’ll have four more shirts to wear!)  Pro tip, too – when you fly First Class, your suitcase can weigh up to 75 pounds without penalty, which is a good thing, since mine was almost 60. 

My flight was uneventful and relatively luxurious.  There’s something about free drinks, well-prepared hot meals, hot towels, and friendly flight attendants that makes flying much easier.  My row-mate was on his way to Hawaii for three months to work, and we talked for much of the flight about video games and computers.  I found out, though, that it doesn’t matter what class you fly, the bathrooms are still tiny.  Here I am, sing with me, fat . . . guy . . . in a . . . . little . . . airplane bathroom:

I landed in Oakland, which was an endearingly small airport.  My suitcase was the first one off the conveyor-belt-luggage-delivery-thingie, which is in fact the official name of it, and once again, I was fucked by TSA.  This is the second time that they have removed my TSA-approved lock, stolen the lock, and gone through my suitcase without putting any notification in my suitcase whatsoever.  The last time, they stole all of my 5-hour energy shots that I had packed. This time, I think they only took one. I would never blow up a plane, but I’d like to give every TSA agent a swirly.  That’s the type of terrorism I can get behind.

I hopped into a cab, off to San Francisco.  I soon realized, though, that something else was missing:

Rice-a-Roni-less, I arrived at the Four Seasons San Francisco without incident and was blessed to experience the type of customer service and treatment that one expects from a ridiculously overpriced hotel.  My room was stocked with $10 bottles of water, $8 candy bars, $24.99 on-demand 90-minute long pornography, and a small old manservant named Woodhouse that I was allowed to verbally abuse and torture at my whim.  I’m kidding, of course, but after finally watching Archer on my flight over, I had fantasies of that for days. I did, however, have a fantastic view of the city:

On Saturday, after staying in bed as long as humanly possible, I got up and did what any person would do if he or she was staying in a new city for a limited period of time:

What better way to experience a city than to sit in the dark for two hours watching Liam Neeson and an embeardened Dermot Mulroney run away from Alaskan wolves?  If there is, I’d like to hear it.  After a quick snack at one of Tom Colicchio’s restaurants, Wichcraft, we headed to Max’s Opera Cafe in Palo Alto for the San Franvitable blogger meetup!

I drank manly drinks that included lots of fruit juices and Malibu rum while talking and hanging out with some of the most frumious and frabjous people that I know.  There was an old friend from high school, Shane Karshan, the beautiful, unicorn-adorned, luscious bottomed Julia, savvy and sarcastic twinkle-eyed Maura, fun-loving oenophile Dre, invisible ninja and ass-kicker Sarah (who managed to avoid being photographed, but I seamlessly Photoshopped her into one of the photos.  You’ll never even be able to tell.), and, of course, the sexy, sharp-witted queen of bluntness Jenny Grace (accompanied by her adorable son).

Maura and Dre

Jenny Grace

Julia and Shane and Sarah

The food was very good but the service was terrible, and for maybe the first time in my life, I didn’t add a gratuity to the mandated 18% that was added on for our table of 10.  I usually tip 30-40%, even with mediocre service, so that’s a sign of exactly how shitty our two servers were.  Even with the service, it was really nice to get together with bloggers in a closer-knit setting that isn’t as crowded as BlogHer but not quite as intimate as an orgy.

After dinner, my friend Jess and I were invited by Dre and her boyfriend to go out to a bar. Since Dre knows me, she made sure that it would be a place that I’d be comfortable.  I don’t really like huge crowds, I like to be somewhere that I can have a conversation, and I abhor douchebaggery.

That last text should have been my first indication that Dre is a dirty, dirty, dirty liar.  There’s a line?  That I’d have to skip ahead of in order to gain egress?  Ugh, ugh, triple ugh.

We pulled up to the Madrone Art Bar, which touts itself as “a full-on art experience”.  Translated into plain English, that means “douche-fest extraordinaire”.  The line was 30-40 people long, but we got pulled into the back entrance where we paid the bouncer double the cover charge to skip the line and . . . do what, exactly?  Stand elbow to ass with 200 drunk people with absolutely no personal space or ability to move or even breathe while looking at non-art art on the walls? Fuuuun.

Jess and Dre at the obnoxious, superficial, crowded Madrone Art Bar

Needless to say, the night ended soon after, though we made a pit stop at a wine bar and had some wine, which is about as unpalatable to my tastes as vegetables are. By the time it was 4 AM EST, I was exhausted and fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the bed.

The next day, after being as lazy as possible and trying to see how many things can be done from the bed without getting up, a road trip was in the cards.  I don’t have much interest in touristy adventures, but there was something about walking amongst the redwoods that sounded appealing.  So, off to Muir Woods we went!

The weather was absolutely stunning, crisp and clear without being too cold, and I didn’t even mind the fact that I was exercising by walking through the park.  I think one of the main reasons that I didn’t mind was that I decided to channel the spirit of an amateur photographer who thinks he’s hot shit even though he’s just as cliched, trite and hackneyed as every other weekend photographer out there.  Here’s the evidence:

Plus, of course, the obligatory, raised camera one-handed self-portrait:

Driving back into the city, I realized that it was late afternoon on Sunday, and the reason that there was so little traffic probably had something to do with some stupid football game on TV:

The game was unavoidable, though – even after finding a little Cuban restaurant, Cha Cha Cha’s, the televisions were blaring with the play-by-plays of felons chasing each other around on a field over a ball and sheep living vicariously through the exploits of these overpaid morons.  We focused on the sangria and tapas instead.

The next morning, after checking out of the hotel, I was given the chance to experience something that I had never yet experienced:  a zombie.  Yes, the undead.  I mean, that’s all I can assume that this cab driver was, because the only alternative was that he stole his clothes from a dead hobo who shit his pants and was eating limburger cheese while farting from his mouth.

He didn’t ask for brains, though, so maybe he was only freshly undead.  Or French.  I threw dollar bills at him and rolled out of the cab before he could even come to a complete stop at the Oakland airport.

I boarded my flight at 1:00 PM PST, looking fresh and happy and smiley, but by the time I landed at almost midnight EST, even with interesting conversation with my row-mate who is a foodie and a restaurant developer, even with more Archer (godDAMN I love that show!), and even with every First Class amenity available, I was ready to get home.

And now I’m home, and everything is the way I left it, which is frustrating, because I really hoped that magical fairies would sneak into the house and do all the dishes and go grocery shopping and do my laundry and bake cookies while I was gone.  And then I hoped that they would do all that stuff while I sat here and wrote an entire treatise on my trip instead of doing any chores, but . . . . well, fuck.  It hasn’t happened yet.  I CAN WAIT, MAGICAL FAIRIES!

(Oh, and finally, here’s my photo for the FRIENDS photo-a-day challenge, although without any of the text that I’ve been writing for each post, because, seriously?  I just wrote a fucking book here.):

The One With Joey's Bag

My Friday night started off normal.  Normal for me, that is, which means I was walking around the mall with three girls and a baby, shopping for dresses that were suitable for Friday night downtown.  Well, shopping for the girls (Lanie, Samantha, and Shanise), not for me.  Because I would never buy my dresses at the mall. Actually, though, I did buy two new pairs of sunglasses at the Guess store which are fantastic.  I may have squealed in delight.

The plan was to go back to Lanie and Samantha’s house, have a little pre-party as the girls got ready, which could take anywhere from ten minutes to four days, meet up with some guys that were friends of Shanise, and go downtown to the clubs.  Because, as you know, I’m totally into the clubs.  And by into, I mean that I stand at the bar or sit down if I can find a seat and watch everybody’s purses.

And that’s when the plan went to shit.  The arrival of the Douchebag Brigade, wearing something Ed Hardy/A&F/Hollister-ish, strutting like each of them had just been anally penetrated by a bowling pin, crashed the evening to such depths as I have never before witnessed. The Douchebag Brigade consisted of four boys, the names of whom I’ve changed to protect the idiotic.  There was Nate, the short muscled douchebag who couldn’t wait to go “grind on girls all night long”, Caleb, the tall muscled douchebag virgin who got so drunk in the first ten minutes that he had to be carried everywhere, Justin, the black quiet one who may not have been a douchebag except by association, and George, the Latino leader with tattoos of Asian characters who was “really into MMA”. Clouded in a maelstrom of Axe body spray, homoerotic tendencies, and constant utterances of the word “bro”, this douchebag brigade sprang right from Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, and Brody Jenner’s Bromance.

I didn’t know that people like this actually existed. I thought that the Douchebag Club Guy was like unicorns and gay Republicans – we’ve heard about them, but nobody’s ever seen one in real life.  Most of my night was spent in utter disbelief of the flesh-and-blood douchebags who stood (actually, posed) before me.  Here are some actual phrases I heard uttered on Friday night.

• “She pushed a baby out of her vagina and you want to have sex with that? Dude.”
• “I really want to grind on some girls tonight.”
• “There’s nothing wrong with gay people, but I won’t want to be hit on by one.  That’s just creepy.”  To his douchebag friend:  ”No bro, you look totally hot.”
• “If I do fifty push-ups, will you . . .” indecipherable drunken mumbling, followed by douchebag following on the ground and doing push-ups.
• “I don’t want to fuck anyone tonight, I just want to grind on girls!”  Presumably because he is actually in love with his douchebag brethren.
• “There is a price that your soul pays, I think, for believing that because someone is poor, black, whatever that somehow they are unclean, untrustworthy or unable to take care of themselves.”  Oh wait, this is a quote about the movie “The Help”, from a post by the wonderful, intelligent Faiqa Khan, who is not a douchebag and who is celebrating a birthday today.

Everyone has a little douchebag in them, but it’s those who embrace it completely and foster it until it grows into this full-fledged giant douchebag personality that make me shudder.  Watching these young adult boys preen and strut with a carefully constructed artifice of confidence that could only be bolstered through aggression as they struggled through the palpable sexual feelings they had for the other members of their own douchebag tribe was a sobering experience that made me realize four important things.

1. Girls can be idiots, but guys can out-stupid them anytime.
2. I will never use “bro” in any context – not that I did with any frequency before, but I refuse to even use it ironically now for fear of debilitating flashbacks.
3. On the list of personality stereotypes that I want to stab in the face with a dull spoon, from highest stabby feeling to lowest stabby feeling, Douchebag > Judgy Jesus freak > Goth > Gay Drama Queen > Emo McCutterson > Fried Pothead > ADD-addled Adolescent > Slutty “Just Pull Out” Girl > Prude Whore aka “The Tease”
4. I’ll take being fat, sarcastic, and a geek over being ridiculously in shape, oblivious to the world, and a douchebag any day of the week.

Bro, like, dude.  Totally.

2012 has a lot of promise, and I plan on making the most of it. This will be my year, and these are my New Year Resolutions.

In 2012, I resolve to do the following:

• Continue to look for new lines to cross and boundaries to push.
• Punch fewer nuns and shake fewer babies.
• Push myself to write new material for my stand-up.
• Do what makes me happy, not what I think others want me to do.
• Embrace the fact that I am an attention whore and be the best whore I can be.
• Take a real vacation.
• Use “crunk” in a sentence.
• Lose thirty more pounds.
• Turn thirty-five years old on January 26th.
• Punch more sharks and shake more ninjas.
• Earn enough income to hire someone to take care of sales for my business so that I can start traveling to do comedy.
• Tell those I love how I feel on a consistent and regular basis.
• See more women naked.
• Push the envelope on my blog as far as I can.
• Make another calendar for 2013.
• Vote.
• Walk more.
• Get more critical with my television viewing and pare down my television time.
• Keep stripping negative influences and negative people out of my life.
• Remember to stay honest, all the time.
• Forgive myself for being so fucking awesome.
• Step outside my comfort zone and try something new.
• Stop charging so much for mustache rides.
• Push myself to say “no”.
• Learn to dance.
• Sing more, strangle a cat less.
• Throw away every pair of manties that has a hole in it.
• Buy more manties.
• See if you can actually kill someone with kindness.
• Smile more.
• Be me.

What about you?

For my final list of 2011, I thought I’d indulge in a little prognostication and whimsy. After all, I’ve written about movies, blog posts, Christmas gifts, and television shows, so what else is there to discuss?

2012 is going to be a promising year even if the world ends in December, like the Mayans have predicted. I think they have about as much accuracy as that preacher who said the world was ending in May, so I’m not too worried.

Here are the top ten events that I predict will occur in the next 12 months. Print this post out and keep it as reference that I am the next Nostradamus. NostrADAMus . . see?

1. Viola Davis will win an Oscar for her role in The Help, but mainly because the voters couldn’t tell the difference between competing contenders Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.
2. In order to attract a younger voter, the GOP will introduce a cartoon mascot, who will almost immediately dominate the polls ahead of all the Republican primary candidates.
3. The WNBA will strike, but nobody will notice.
4. Jason Lee will commit suicide after making Chipmunks 3: Brick Chiphouse, but not before he shoots his agent.
5. “Fear Factor” will be yanked off the air after the contestants are challenged to consume human meat shipped in from North Korea, and a minor zombie outbreak occurs.
6. Slap bracelets will make a comeback, but schools will ban them because the slapping could be considered sexual harassment.  Ironically, the punishment for bringing them to school will be a literal slap on the wrist.
7. Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh will get into a vicious fight but nobody will care.
8. “To Catch a Predator” star Chris Hansen will team up with “Toddlers & Tiaras” for the strangest television cross-over event in history.  It will be watched by more Americans than the Super Bowl.
9. All people will be allowed to marry other consenting adults and, amazingly, nothing bad will happen in any way.  Straight couples will continue to “respect” the institution of marriage by cheating, getting divorced, and lying.
10. Betty White will die on December 21, 2012, which will mean the end of the world for many people, even though the “funny because she’s a sweet old lady saying mean things” shtick got old about five years ago.

Blogging is entirely a narcissistic pursuit. After all, we’re talking about ourselves and expecting strangers to read our words and care about anything we have to say. So, what series of top ten lists would be complete without a list of my top blog posts that I’ve written? Maybe you’ll see something that you missed the first time around, or maybe you’ll just enable my idiocy by commenting again. Who knows . . .

My top blog posts of 2011 are as follows, in no particular order:

• The word “nigger” and Huckleberry Finn – This post actually inspired the “Nintendo” bit that I do as a part of my stand-up now.
• Stripped Bare – I’m glad I wrote about wrestling with depression because it helped me get back on track.
• Sarah Palin’s History Lessons – Anytime that I can write something that reads back to me as if it’s in a different speaker’s voice, I’m happy. I read this post in Sarah Palin’s accent and laugh every time.
• How to lose friends and negatively influence people – This was a new level of honesty for me, and it was amazing the weight that was lifted after hitting publish.
• Why Chinese Mothers are superior – So fucking racist, but so fucking funny. Don’t mind if I do pat myself on the back for this one.
• My afternoon with a heroin addict – A sobering look at addiction.
• I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Metrosexual – I would love to be able to perform this parody on stage.
• Is Blood Thicker Than Water? – My views on family and friends and when, if at all, you should choose one over the other
• My Interview with Steve Jobs – This was the best interview I’ve ever written.
• I go to a strip club – for the very first time!
• My expert guides how to become an author, how to make people laugh, and how to write a resume.
• Friendship, pregnancy, and Mormons. And nudity. – My pregnancy photo parody. ‘Nuff said.

It takes talent to make a good movie that will engage you and entertain you for two hours. It takes genius to make a TV show that will engage and entertain you for twenty-two episodes. That being said, it was hard for me to narrow down my top ten television shows of the year, because it was a good year for TV!

My top 10 television shows of 2011:

10. The New Girl – It started out a bit generic with only Zooey Deschanel’s quirky personality keeping me interested.  After a bit, though, her roommates have evolved into much more interesting characters separate from lovely, amazing Zooey.
9. How I Met Your Mother – My biggest obstacle with this show has always been the ridiculous laugh track.  It’s unnecessary, and it panders to the lowest common denominator.  An audience should not be told when to laugh – a well-written show will make it obvious.  Once I can ignore that poor decision, though, I’ve found a show that layers stories tremendously well, builds on history for each character, and manages to walk a fine line between hilarity and drama.
8. Walking Dead – The second season suffered a little bit from some lackluster pacing, but the fact is that it’s one of my favorite dramas on television and it’s about zombies!
7. Doctor Who – I love Amelia Pond, I love Matt Smith’s Doctor, and I absolutely loved the season-long mystery about the final death of the Doctor.  This show has finally transcended the cheesiness that has been its birthright.
6. Childrens Hospital – In fifteen minutes, this satire manages to cram more laughs per second than any other comedy on television. Skewing every medical show and television cliche possible, Childrens Hospital is best viewed all in one sitting, because the wait between episodes is miserable.
5. Saturday Night Live – Every week, the cast puts on a 90-minute sketch comedy show, and every week, they come up with some really funny shit.  Anyone who expects the show to be consistently funny with every single beat doesn’t get the point.
4. Community – One of the smartest shows on television and definitely the smartest comedy.  Defying conventions at every turn and taking risks with format and structure, this show has only gotten better, and it will be a shame if NBC caters to the morons of the world by not renewing it.
3. Shameless – I haven’t seen the original UK show, but the US version of Shameless, starring William H. Macy and a delicious Emmy Rossum, is like a gritty, realistic version of Malcolm in the Middle.  It’s funny, dark, sad, and twisted, and I can’t wait for the 2012 premiere of season 2.
2. Boss – Kelsey Grammer as Chicago Mayor Tom Kane is cold, calculating, ruthless, and compelling.  I expected this show to be predictable, but it threw me for a loop, especially with the last two episodes.
1. Louie – Created, written, edited, directed, and acted by comedian Louis CK, this show is about the life of a comedian. It’s funny and sad and decidedly fucked up.  I absolutely love it and have so much respect for Louis for what he’s accomplished with this show.

Honorable Mentions:

• Onion News Network – Mostly sharp, with a few missteps and weird tonal shifts, this show is an entertaining look at news television.  Anything including the autistic reporter Michael Falk is a favorite bit of mine.
• 2 Broke Girls – Rampant cliches and a stupid laugh track almost ruin this show, and if it wasn’t for the chemistry and presence of Kat Denning and Beth Behrs, I wouldn’t even watch it or consider it.  Something about those two broke girls, though, really intrigues me and keeps me entertained.
• Fear Factor – I love this show for the depths to which it will sink.  People will do anything for $50,000, which is a relatively marginal sum of money, and I love to see how right I am about the stupidity of the world.  Plus, Joe Rogan’s disdain for every contestant is quite fun.
• American Horror Story – It’s little more than a compilation of every horror cliche out there, but it’s equal parts creepy, sexy, and thrilling.  There were a few twists I didn’t see coming, and it managed to avoid being too cheesy.
• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – There were some fantastic parts of this season so far, including almost all of the Jersey Shore episode.  I love these guys.

And the worst television shows of 2011:

• Two and a Half Men – I don’t get the appeal.  It’s obvious, tired, and trite.
• Big Bang Theory – It’s worse than Two and a Half Men because it has the potential to be a very funny geeky show. Instead, it relies on stereotypes and terrible premises.
• Whitney – This show is like Whitney’s stand-up.  It might have been good in 1984.
• Terra Nova – I’ll never understand how they managed to make a show about time travel to the dinosaur age boring and predictable, but they did.  Bravo, idiots!

Disagree with me. I dare you.

A week rarely goes by that I don’t go to the movies. I love the theater experience, and no HD theater at home can ever rival it. At home, my DVR is full of shows that I record and watch faithfully. On the Internet, this makes me an expert in the best movies and television shows of the year.

Here’s my list of the top ten movies of 2011:

10. Fast Five – I think it was the addition of Dwayne Johnson, but this installment of the Fast & Furious series was funny, tightly scripted, and a lot of fun without being overly stupid.
9. Water for Elephants – It’s rare that a drama like this will interest me in reading the book, but that’s exactly what this film did.  The movie may have simplified things significantly, but it improved on the book in many arenas, and I didn’t want to stab Robert Pattinson at all, which says something.
8. Hanna – Dark thrillers about young sociopaths who learn about life always tug at my heartstrings. See also: The Professional.
7. Rise of the Planet of the Apes – With minimal dialogue, and a “No!” that sent chills up my spine, this is the only POTA movie where the characters felt human.
6. Rango – This is one of those animated films that will be better for adults than humans.  The storyline is one you’ve seen before, but the creativity behind it is fantastic.  Also, watching a Johnny-Depp voiced character run into his character from Fear & Loathing is a nice Easter egg.
5. Bridesmaids – It’s a comedy that makes you feel something for the protagonist, which gives it a classic feeling that very few comedies have today.  Kristen Wiig is amazing.
4. X-Men: First Class – Even with a few missteps, this was the best X-Men movie yet.  I wish they could all have the gravitas of this one.
3. Paranormal Activity 3 – How often is the final movie in a trilogy an improvement over the original?  Using the same techniques to build a sense of dread and anticipation, but upping the ante, this was a worthy sequel.
2. Crazy, Stupid Love – I finally stopped hating Ryan Gosling with this movie.  Steve Carell’s character starts off like every character of his, but transforms in this film that is an excellent look at relationships between people of all ages.  Also, Emma Stone makes me feel funny in my pants, and so does Julianne Moore.
1. The Muppets – The best movie of 2011.  More than just a nostalgic look at the past, it builds on that wave by creating something fresh and new.  Jason Segel and his team really, truly *get* what makes the Muppets so awesome, and I hope that there are more movies or another show in the future.  ”Man or Muppet” should win an Oscar for Best Song, too.

Honorable mentions:

• Super 8 – It smells like Spielberg, tastes like Spielberg, looks like Spielberg, but it’s just missing that one secret ingredient that would have made this a successor to Spielberg’s classic films.
• Source Code – Taking cool future technology and using it to make a love story is the only tone that rang false in this otherwise excellent movie.
• Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows – I really enjoyed this, although the first 10 minutes almost ruined it for me (You’ll know if you see it).  The final battle of wits was fantastic, too.  This should probably be in my top 10, but it got edged out.
• Captain America: The First Avenger – It’s a great mixture of levity and gravity, and Chris Evans does an excellent job.  It’s a movie worthy of having “The First Avenger” as part of its title.

What would you say is your favorite movie of the year?

I’m going to round out the year with lists, because it’s the one time of year that writers can avoid sentences and formatting and creativity in lieu of bullets. Although I did make this nifty graphic:

Here’s my list of the top ten worst Christmas gifts for 2011:

1. Jerry Sandusky Body Pillow For Kids
2. A donation to the Tea Party in your name
3. The Casey Anthony Home Child Care Kit, complete with plastic bag and duct tape
4. Turducken-induced salmonella
5. Any Angry Birds merchandise that you can’t use to kill asshole pigs
6. Tickets to go see Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill”
7. A Playstation 3 with no games
8. Underwear . . . from Goodwill
9. Anything made by Ugg
10. Herpes

This Christmas, I was feeling a bit grinchy, and even contemplated asking my mother to bring back any of the presents she bought for me. I think some people took that to mean that I was being ungrateful, but that wasn’t it. I did call my mother and ask her to refrain from buying any more presents from me, but I stopped short of requesting that she return the gifts she’d already purchased. She did, however, read my post and managed to bring up the fact that I wanted her to return everything no less than ten times, usually in good humor, though.

As it turned out, though, my mother had to return half of what she bought me anyways. You would think that after 34 years, she would know better than to try to buy me clothes, but I think that’s a lesson that no parent ever actually learns. Most of the clothes didn’t fit properly and the ones that did were not my style at all. It was a nice gesture, and I did appreciate the thought.

The best gift I got this year was one I bought for myself. My home away from home, Tijuana Flats, was selling gift cards, with $5.00 free for every $25 spent, so I bought myself $500 worth of gift cards and got an extra $100 in free gift cards. Thanks, me! Now I can eat at Tijuana Flats four times a week for the next four months without spending another penny!

That’s right. Unlike previous holidays, this Christmas I will not assault your senses with a photo in which I decorate my nutsack. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’ve been too busy to Photoshop anything and everything to do with the holiday spirit. Right.

Instead, I’ll share two videos with you. The first video is the one that I did for this year’s Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert over at Neil’s, and the second is the one I did for last year.

Merry Christmas, Chappy Chanukah, Krazy Kwanzaa, and Wacky Winter Solstice, everyone.

Avitable sings a Christmas song from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

Today’s just a cornucopia of a post, stuffed with the gizzards and tripe from the last week:

Thanksgiving!

Even though my family lives an hour away from me (a fact that they kept telling me as they berated me), I chose to spend Thanksgiving at my house in Altamonte Springs for the first time since I was single.  In addition, I have a large group of friends here who don’t have family anywhere around and so I hosted a dinner for everyone.  It was a group of about 15-20 comedians and other friends, and I think everyone had a blast.  It was also the first time I’d ever prepared a meal this big without Amy helping out with the prep work. Also, you can tell from the below photo that she also did all the cleaning, because five days later I still haven’t done the dishes.  I’m scared to go into my kitchen.

Tweets!

Do you follow me on Twitter?  If not, you’re missing inane shit like this:

Two Contests!

Contest 1:  If you aren’t a reader of Dave over at Blogography, you’re missing out on an awesome giveaway.  You can win high quality art, swag, and literature, along with shitty art from me AND a free Avitable calendar.  All you have to do is donate $5 for an entry – go read Dave’s post for more information!  It ends on November 30th, so hurry.

Contest 2:  Almost two weeks ago, I put up a little trivia contest.  Whichever two commenters were able to identify the most correct movie and TV references (out of 30 possible references) would win a copy of my Avitable 12-month calendar!

Most people were too afraid to give it a try because apparently they have the pop culture knowledge of a Fox News commentator, but seven of you gave it a good shot.  Nobody guessed all the references, and a few of you came up with references that I didn’t even see.

For those of you who care (or entered), here is the original story with all movie/TV show titles listed immediately after the reference (in blue) parenthetically:

In the year 2000 (Late Night with Conan O’Brien), on the outskirts of the city of Bomont (Footloose), a blue box (Doctor Who) appeared on the horizon, hovering over Macho Grande (Airplane 2) before landing with an almost graceful, sensual crash (Crash). The door to the box opened, and its occupants, two young men wearing shirts representing a poorly spelled band named after untamed horses (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure), emerged carefully.

One of the men reached into Backpack (Dora the Explorer) and pulled out a book, wrapped in plastic (Twin Peaks). Unwrapping it cautiously, he avoided the biting, gnashing teeth on the cover (Army of Darkness), and turned to page 394 (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban). Walking to the intersection of the two roads, he quickly recited this incantation (Supernatural): “Klaatu (The Day The Earth Stood Still) Baraka (Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo (Cinderella) Echolls Mars (Veronica Mars) Fyarl (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Snoochies (Clerks or any Kevin Smith/Jason Mewes movie)”.

Instantly a woman with orange hair stood before them wearing nothing but white bandages strategically wrapped around her torso (The Fifth Element). “Yes?” she asked, her eyes flashing with a metallic green glow (Smallville).

“Umm, evil lady dude, we want to know our density – umm, I mean destiny (Back to the Future),” stammered the shorter of the two men.

“And then?” (Dude, Where’s My Car?)

“Well, and then we’ll give you our souls. Well, just mine. His is already claimed by gypsies. (Angel)”

“One is enough, as long as you satisfy one additional demand.”

“What is it?”

“It’s an insistent authoritative request, but that’s not important right now (Airplane). I want your permission to slap you, one time, at some point in the future without warning (How I Met Your Mother).”

“Ok. Let’s make a deal. (Let’s Make a Deal!)”

She wrinkled her nose (Bewitched) and bobbed her head. “Done.” Her voice lingered on the air like her scent (Scent of a Woman) as she disappeared.

In her place was a cardboard box marked “Fragile”. The men knelt around it. “What’s in the box?” one asked. (Se7en)

Lifting out a delicious smelling apple gruyere pie (Pushing Daisies), the taller man shrugged, said, “Well, it’s not our destiny, but at least it’s not $240 worth of pudding (The State),” and began to eat.

The End.

Here’s how you ranked:

BE Earl: 21
LeSombre: 21
Laurie Ann: 20
Metalmom: 17
Allyson: 12
Psychobabble: 7
Abigail.Road: 6

Congratulations to BE Earl and LeSombre for tying for first place and both winning a calendar!  I know I probably have your addresses somewhere, but email me again, please.

Twelve Months of Awesome!

Finally, if you weren’t one of the unlucky ones who won a calendar, there are still a few left that I can get out to you in time for Christmas.  For only $11.99, you’ll be spreading holiday cheer and donating to a great cause – a local animal rescue that helps older dogs find homes called Poodle and Pooch Rescue.

What’s in this calendar?  12 photos of yours truly doing ridiculous, shameless things, with new content added that will only be available on this calendar.  Exclusive Avitable content that will never be seen again – how can you resist?

Who would enjoy an Avitable calendar?  Your grandmother, your priest, your child’s kindergarten teacher – anybody but those three people.

PLUS, if you order using the special link below, you can get the calendar for only $9.99! That’s less than you probably paid to see that shitfest of a movie “Jack and Jill”, and with a calendar, you’ll get 12 months of enjoyment. And that includes shipping anywhere in the WORLD.

Order your 12-month Avitable calendar for only $9.99 now!