Archive for the ‘General’ Category

In the year 2042

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

In the year 2042 . . .

The Church of Brangelina will welcome its one hundred millionth member, as announced by High Priestess Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt.

In the year 2042 . . .

The largest Internet sensation will be 37-year old blogger Miss Emma, who will blog about her mother's descent into insanity caused by eating too many cheesecakes.

In the year 2042 . . .

Divorce rates among the gay population will reach an all-time high of 18%.

In the year 2042 . . .

NBC's newest reality show, So You Think You Can Outrun A Lion?, will win an Emmy.

In the year 2042 . . .

The Ke$ha/Lady Gaga/Madonna retirement tour will enter the last year of its 10-year run.

In the year 2042 . . .

At Berkeley, pro-cancer activists will protest the killing of cancer cells. They will be shot to death and the world will applaud.

In the year 2042 . . .

In a new tell-all book, former President Rush Limbaugh's illegitimate child will confess that his father "…loved women, prescription drugs, and eating human flesh, and not in that order."

In the year 2042 . . .

The most popular sitcom on the air will be ABC Family Channel's "Fuck you, you stupid cocksucker", a light-hearted show about a family that adopts a foul-mouthed robot.

In the year 2042 . . .

I'll still be paying off my Citibank bill:

The things I've learned from Hilly

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Yesterday, a friend went home. After almost a year here, Hilly is driving back to California, another chapter in her life over.

A year or two ago, I argued that you can't learn something from everyone. I think I've grown a bit as a person since then, and I'm not ashamed to admit that maybe I was wrong. (Although, nobody tell her. She'll be insufferable.) I revise my earlier opinion to say that you should always be able to take something away from your interaction with any person. And Hilly's just not any person – she's a force to be reckoned with. I'm going to miss her, and I hope that the next leg of journey gives her some of the happiness and deep deep dicking towards which she's been striving. In the meantime, all I have to remember her are the things I've learned (well, that and all the household stuff she gave me and the mattress and box spring):

  • The word "douche" is very versatile and can be used in any capacity. For example, you could say "That douchetastic douchey douchecock needs to go douche his motherdouchin' ass."
  • When you have people who are important to you, you can love them without having to defend every thing they do.
  • Life is America.
  • It takes buckets of strength to live alone for the first time in many years without falling apart.
  • Splash Mountain should be ridden over and over again.
  • There is a right way and a wrong way to take a photo of yourself.
  • The sound of a vibrator will bring your cat running.
  • There's no such thing as too far to drive for a good sandwich.
  • You can be almost 40 and have the heart and soul of a 20 year old.
  • Everything in California is more awesome than anything in shitty Florida. (Except the economy and earthquakes, but shhhh. Oh, and of course, me and Britt and Faiqa.)
  • You know it's funny when someone snorts.

Bullets

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
  • Tonight we have our final Orlando Mafia meeting before Hilly leaves us to return to California. We're not having her set up the California branch, though, because she'd do things differently and then we'd have to make her sleep with the fishes like Moe Greene. It's not personal, it's family.
  • It's wayyy too early for me to even consider the world of dating, but someone out there has decided it's time.
  • I'm so sick of the cold. It's hard to hang around in your underwear when your nipples can cut steel. Fuck you Nature for making me put clothes on!
  • Do you think watching Spartacus: Blood and Sand can make me gay? It manages to be manly and tough and vicious while also having lots and lots of naked sweaty penises. Plus Xena. But she has really weird nipples, so I don't know if that counts.
  • Wow – this guy just carved off this other guy's face! What the fuck kind of show am I watching?
  • I think it's time to do a new 100 Things About Avitable – the one I have is about two years old and somewhat out of date. Like, I totally own pants now! And I don't have night terrors anymore. Oh, and the whole not married thing.
  • When I washed my own sheets for the first time in 11 years (since my wife used to do it), I found that two of my pillows had mildew/mold spots on them!! I bet I've been breathing those in for years and how did she not throw those away? That's horrible!
  • On another note, how frequently do you wash your sheets? I've heard people say every week and others say every 2-3 weeks and others say once a month. What about towels?

Rejected Winter Olympic Sports

Monday, February 15th, 2010

Every year, the Olympic Committee gets hundreds, if not thousands, of applications for new sports to be considered for inclusion. And each year there are a few new sports that just make you scratch your head, like curling and speed walking – can you imagine the ones that actually get rejected? Here are just a few of this year's rejections for the Winter Olympics:

Ice Fishing

Each participant is given a case of beer, a saw to cut a hole in the ice, and a fishing rod. The event lasts as long as it takes the fastest athlete to drink all of his or her beer. The gold medal goes to the participant with the highest beer drank/fish caught average. Anyone who passes out is disqualified.

Drifting

Athletes are provided a 1994 Ford F-150 and compete down a four-mile road. Along the sides of each road are high snowdrifts. Behind these snowdrifts are drop-offs into deep ditches. The winner is the competitor who can successfully drift into each snowdrift without dying by exploding his car.

Nipples

In this co-ed event, athletes are dropped naked into a field of snow, encased in glass. The first one to successfully use his or her nipples to cut said glass and escapes wins the gold.

Urinary Cursive

Male athletes are given a multisyllabic word of at least 8 letters that they must write legibly in the snow using nothing more than a gallon of Gatorade and their penises. Points are given for style, legibility, and flair. Female athletes may either use a small urinary hose or their hand to guide a male volunteer's penis.

Snow Dash

Participants are seated in a large hot tub, wearing nothing but their bathing suits. When the whistle blows, they must make a 100 yard dash through the 3-foot deep snow to the finish line, delineated by a roaring fireplace.

Pee Pee Dance Relay

Athletes must consume 8 liters of water or Gatorade and subject themselves to a full saltwater enema, then bundle up in eight layers of clothing. When the pistol fires, the competitors must run outside in the snow, build a snowman, throw six snowballs at a target, make a snow angel, and then make it inside and strip off their layers before soiling themselves.

Now these are some events that I'd watch!

Woman's Last Stand

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

This is much better than that ridiculously whiny pathetic Charger ad that aired during the Super Bowl. Got the link from Kelly.

Ways to make the Super Bowl more exciting

Monday, February 8th, 2010

Last night I was over at Britt's for a Super Bowl party. During the six or so hours I was there, I may have inadvertently watched two or three minutes of actual football. And other than that Google ad (awwwww), I didn't really see much worth getting excited over.

So I thought I'd write a little message to NFL about ways to try to spice up the Super Bowl for those of us who don't watch football but still go to Super Bowl parties.

Dear National Football League Super Bowl Rule Guys,

While it's fun and all to watch people chase each other around on a big field and cheer for half of them because they're wearing a different color than the rest, maybe there's a way to make it even more exciting! I would suggest adding one of the following options to the game:

  • Football/live grenade switcheroo every four downs.
  • Quarterback gets to have sex with the wives of the entire defensive line every time he throws a completed pass.
  • In the fourth quarter, snow machines are turned on and everyone plays in skis.
  • Ninjas.
  • Instead of throwing penalty flags, refs get to give the offending player a wedgie.
  • Grandstanding and showboating are sniperable offenses.
  • Script the game, just like wrestling. Bring back Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
  • Losing team has to get real jobs

If you could listen to me and the millions of other people out there who don't live vicariously through a team of random people because they are currently being paid a ridiculous salary to stay in some geographic location that resonates with us, and make a few of these changes, I'd really appreciate it!

Love and kisses,

Adam Heath Avitable

Get on the Hilly Train

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

Today's a tough day for a friend because it's the anniversary of her wedding to her ex-husband. In addition, she's been in a period of transition recently, packing up her belongings to move back to California after spending some time here in Florida. It's understandable that today will bring up sad memories for Hilly, but I think we can do something to change that.

Let's declare today, February 7th, "Hilly Love Day", and everybody take a second out of your busy Sunday schedule to do one or more of the following:

  1. Leave a comment on this post
  2. Post on her Facebook wall
  3. Send her a tweet
  4. If you have her cell number, send her a text.

What should you say? How about "Happy Hilly Love Day!" or "Hilly is awesome" or "I PPH Hilly" or "Hilly makes me feel funny in my pants". Any of these ideas, or anything you can think of on your own, is acceptable.

Let's spread the love and give Hilly something positive to think of on next February 7th!

(Oh, and while you're leaving positive, happy messages, today is the birthday of Jessica, aka Black Belt Mama! Happy birthday, Jessica!)

We cured AIDS!

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Baby doll sugar honeypie

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

I always hear Britt use "honey" on the phone with many people. Karl calls every person in the world and, I'm convinced, random objects he encounters, "babe". Turnbaby doesn't go a half hour without calling someone "sugar".

I understand why people do this. It gets repetitive to use someone's name over and over again when you're talking to them. I mean, here's an example:

Nickname-less: "Britt, I understand that you want to punch me in the port, but you know, Britt, that's going to hurt, and it might make me cry. And, Britt, we all know that even though you talk a tough game, you hate to see me cry."

Nickname-full: "Babe, I understand that you want to punch me in the port, but you know, fucker, that's going to hurt, and it might make me cry. And, Britt, we all know that even though you talk a tough game, you hate to see me cry."

See? Much better!

I've decided I need a new sobriquet to use with people when I talk to them. "Fucker" works well in some situations, but if I'm trying to be sympathetic or comforting, "I'm sorry your cat just died, fucker" just doesn't have the right ring to it. I've eliminated "sweetie" and "sweetheart" for having baggage associated with them, I can't use "dear" because I'm not your 90-year old Great Aunt Mabel, and I can't say "honeychile" without doing a little finger snap and head/neck weave, and that's just too much work.

Instead of spending copious hours unpacking, working, or masturbating, I've researched possible nicknames and finally narrowed it down to ten choices. Each of these is a viable nickname for my daily interactions with people, but I can't choose.

Leave your vote in the comments. Whichever word gets a majority of votes will be my new term of endearment!

  1. Buttercup
  2. Darling (but pronounced "Dahlink")
  3. Hotpants
  4. Princess
  5. Munchkin
  6. Cuteness
  7. Tits
  8. Pumpkin
  9. Bunny
  10. Twinkles

Thanks, honeychile.

Apple's new product launching today

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Most people are predicting that Apple's big announcement today will likely be the "iSlate", a tablet that should have an expanded version of the iPhone OS and touchscreen capabilities. Those people are WRONG. My sources tell me that one of the following products will be the one actually unveiled today:

  1. iShirt – made from eco-friendly fibers with wrinkles that can be smoothed with a simple touch of a finger. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  2. iSore – no idea what it does, but it's ugly as hell. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  3. iNinja – this product is essentially invisible, only showing up occasionally to kick you in the face and then disappear again. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  4. iToilet – the seat's touchscreen capabilities allow you to quickly see when the last shit was that you took, what the consistency and fiber content was, and what the last time was that your dog or cat drank from the toilet. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  5. iSkapades – another unknown, but it's very, very gay. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  6. iGun – this aerodynamic, sleek little pistol boasts an impressive hard drive and a state-of-the-art integration system that will incorporate all bullets and guns into one BFG. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  7. iBong – the bubbles are more consistent, the air is much smoother, and Apple's quick grocery snack section of
    chips, cookies, and olives deliver everything right to your mouth without requiring any more effort. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.

I know whatever the product is, I'm sold. I'll take two of them!