After reading yet another article about a husband and father who succumbed to the financial stress of our economy and murdered his family, then committed suicide, I became visibly disturbed by all of these horrible incidents. I really couldn't let this disturbing trend continue without blogging about it. It resonated with me and I needed to make my point clear.
What drives a man not only to take his own life, but also the lives of his small children and spouse, using a gun?
Seriously, a gun? It's expensive, loud, messy, and there's a very high chance that someone's going to wake up and try to run. Then you have to aim. It's a lot of effort. Obviously, since your goal is to take the easy way out, you'd think you should avoid effort at all costs.
Husbands and fathers, listen carefully. If you really are in a dire situation, and there's nothing else you can do to dig yourself out of the pit of despair, and if you've convinced yourself that your only solution is to kill your entire family and then yourself, follow this helpful guide to alternatives to using a gun:
1. Poison
With just a little bit of research and using chemicals you find in your house, you can concoct extremely fatal poisons that will dispatch your entire family cheaply and peacefully. Just tell your family that you're treating them to ice cream, sprinkle it liberally on top, covered in chocolate sprinkles, and voila! It works quickly, and the best part is that nobody has to do the dishes.
2. Freezing
After the wife and kids have gone to bed, crank the air conditioning down as low as it goes. Seal all the entrances to your house – every door and window – with towels and duct tape. Then set the fan on your thermostat to "on" instead of auto and head to bed. About four hours into the night, hypothermia will set in for your entire family, and you'll all fall asleep, snuggled in your beds while you dream one last blissful dream of playing in the snow.
3. Stingray
Dress your family all in khaki and go to Sea World. One by one, toss your kids into the stingray petting pool, and then grab your wife's hand and pull her in with you. If my extensive knowledge of fishus stingrayus has taught me anything, it's that these stingrays are a vicious bunch and they'll instantly swarm you, piercing you through the heart with unerring accuracy. And, on an ironic note, Sea World will probably compensate the surviving members of your family handsomely, providing a sum of money that would have been sufficient to get back on your feet!
4. Stampede
Tell your children that you're taking them to Sesame Street On Ice. While they're excited and jumping up and down, quickly stick pieces of donuts in their pockets. Continue placing donuts on your person and in your wife's purse and pockets. Get in the car and drive the whole family to a Weight Watcher's Convention. Usher them inside and it won't take long before the smell of donuts causes a massive obese stampede. And even better, there will be little to no burial expenses for the rest of your family since all of you will be almost completely consumed by the hungry, hungry hippos.
5. Ninjas
6. Self-Inflicted
Put several highly sharpened pencils on your coffee table. Then, sit your family down and put on a marathon of The Hills. One by one, as each family member can't handle the inanity and horror of it, they'll grab the pencils and do the deed themselves. All you have to do is save a pencil for yourself! N.B. If The Hills isn't working, try any of the following: Yanni concert, Janet Jackson sex tape, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
7. Virtual
This one takes some planning. First, purchase a virtual reality video game system. Then, don't pay your electric bill for a few months, until you get a shut-off notice. About 10 minutes before they're about to turn off your power, convince your family to join in you in the new virtual reality game. While you're all wearing your gear and playing the game, the electric company will turn off your power, essentially killing your virtual selves. And everybody knows that if you die in a computer, you die in real life. This method is untested.
8. Great Scott
Steal some plutonium, get a DeLorean, and go back in time to 4 BC, where you'll be quickly sold into slavery and worked to death. It's simple and easy and keeps your hands from getting dirty!
Good luck, men. And I use the term "men" loosely. It's one thing to reach that point of despair where you take your own life, but forcing the rest of your family to join you for the ride is pathetic, needy, and selfish. You're not even a human being. We're all better off with you gone.
