Every Monday night, Amy, friends Clown and Hilly (when she’s not busy canoodling and watching pirates with Dave), and I usually go out to dinner and then watch that night’s episode of “24″. It’s fun and makes the show more enjoyable because we mock the laughable parts ala MST3K while enjoying the twists and action.

While part of this show’s appeal is the reality tinged with a touch of implausability, the worst part of it, in my opinion, is the miserable technobabble that permeates half of the scenes. Imagine if you took someone from the Middle Ages who believed in magic and asked them to explain how an email works. That’s what every scene of 24 related to technology is like.

Since it’s all magic and fantasy anyways, I think it should sound like it, too:

Scene 1:

Curtis: Chloe, I need you to move everything from the train bombing to the secondary unicorn.

Chloe: I did that already.

Curtis: Good. Then re-apparate the jabberwockies so the kidnapping and the bombing are alakazamed up as well.

Chloe: I did that too.

Curtis: What haven’t you done?

Chloe: I haven’t opened an Eye of Agamotto to the Criminal Investigation Division yet.

Curtis: Do it.

Scene 2:

Tony Almeida: They just posted a memorandum. Richard Walsh is dead.

Jamey Farrell: That can’t be. I mean he was just here a couple of hours ago.

Tony Almeida: Can you find out what happened?

Jamey Farrell: Jack has me working on something else.

Tony Almeida: Open up a leprechaun on my terminal I’ll check it myself.

{Jack calls for Jamey to come up to his office.}

Scene 3:

Audrey: I need you to hack into Lynn’s account for me. I’ll forge a message to Secret Service and make it look like it came from him.

Edgar: That’s illegal.

Chloe: Fine. Edgar, I need you to put a vampire on my adamantium claws to make it look like I’m doing something else.

Edgar: We could all end up in jail.

Chloe: Think about it for a second. The Russian President, his wife, about thirty-five Secret Service – all dead in a few minutes.

Edgar: All right, but for the record – this is not a good idea.

Scene 4:

Jack: Nathanson’s just been killed but he gave me intel. I need you to gyre the tove.

[Chloe’s phone rings – Audrey transferred the call to her. Chloe answers.]

Chloe: O’Brien.

Jack: Chloe, listen to me, I have a thumb drive that’s going to help us find the sentox. I need you to divine the files.

Chloe: Invoke the files to my satyr. Access code – 5J5J.

Jack: Hold on. [He uploads the files.] You should be getting it now. Chloe, I need you to keep this under the radar.

Scene 5:

Bill: Buchanan.

Chloe: Jack just sent me the data he got off Nathanson. My decryption hippogriffs weren’t working and I just realized why. The drive’s burbled.

Bill: How much time do you need?

Chloe: To levitate all the minotaurs? Two, three minutes.

Scene 6:

Tony: Look, Jack, ah, Chappelle is following the procedure. He wants you on the court.

Jack: Yeah, I bet he does.

Tony: Also, ah, some of the information Michelle was able to recover may be worth looking into.

Jack: What kind of information?

Michelle: Identical code faeries galumphing in several vorpal blades.

Jack: What are you talking about? What kind of fragments?

Michelle: Nothing. That’s the point. It’s junk code. Programmers … sometimes embed it into their programs as a mark or signature.

Tony: Michelle was able to abracadabra the sequence back to a hacker named Alex Hewitt. He’s got a file with the FBI.

A few months ago, I was asked to review a book called “A Unicorn is Born”, by Trinie Dalton. I was so totally excited about this, because, as you all know, I really love unicorns! They’re, like, the best creature ever. Much better than the stupid deer with no horns.

Within seconds of opening the book, I was enthralled. This was a magical land of unicorns, where a pregnant unicorn named Ursula is about to give birth to a brand new baby unicorn! Squeeee! There’s nothing I love more than pregnant mommies and babies! Except maybe magic and rainbows.

I loved reading about Ursula’s best friend Arf, a fox. Arf helped Ursula struggle and resolve her problems with her impending motherhood. It was so sweet! If I was a mama unicorn all worried about having my unicorn baby, I’d totally be nice to the foxes and wolves so they’d be my friend.

Can I just say that reading about rainbows and unicorns and magic and babies is probably the best thing in the whole wide world? I really never thought about how mommy unicorns have the same worries and concerns about raising their babies as human moms! It was, like, really deep symbolism about motherhood and stuff. Whoa.

After re-reading this magical book five or six times, I finally turned to the very last page. And guess what I found? PAGES OF STICKERS! Now I don’t have to just draw my own unicorns over and over again (I named one Adamina), but I can put these stickers everywhere to let the whole world know about my love for magical unicorn mommies! Love in a totally non-gay way, of course. Like love for your mom or your grandma who smells like cookies and tobacco.

OMG I LIKE TOTALLY LIKE STICKERS OMG SWEET!!!!111 If I was a unicorn, I’d want to be bright shiny white with a sparkly horn that glowed when the sun hit it. And I’d want my name to be something magical like Ursula and her baby Uma. Maybe Anka or Uvula. These stickers are as close as I’ll get to being a unicorn for now, at least until my dreams tonight!

Before too long, I had no more book to read, and the beautiful tale of the magical mommy unicorn Ursula and her baby Uma was all over. So sad. I really felt like Ursula and Arf and Uma were my best friends and I could talk to them about anything in the whole wide world, like sex and why I look different from all of the other girls in the shower.

I LOVE YOU, MAGICAL UNICORNS!

I hope that Trinie Dalton writes lots more books about unicorns and fairies and pixies and wood nymphs and babies and magic! This was the bestest book I’ve read since Harry Potter, and sometimes I dream that I am a unicorn flying through the sky with a magical rainbow shooting through the air from my shiny polished horn, but then I usually wake up and my sheets are sticky. Sticky with magical unicorn juice!