Category Archives: Inquisitavitable

A Year Later: My Interview with Anastacia Campbell

It’s been one year since Stacy Campbell left us. Her sense of humor was as legendary as her eye for beauty, and the world hasn’t been the same without her. She was sarcastic, dark, absurd, brilliant, and compassionate, and she touched each of us with her words, her photos, or her soul. She was my soul sister, my best friend, and one of the great loves of my life. And here, at the one year anniversary of her death, I knew that it was time to elevate her to the same level as every celebrity I’ve ever fake interviewed by fake interviewing her. She is a celebrity – she was Jürgen Nation. She was Indie Ink. She was Anastacia. She was Stacy Fucking Campbell.

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Me: Hi, Stacy.

SFC: Well, harumph! Never did I ever antici . . . pate that I’d be the subject of one of my bestie’s interviews, but *she says while fanning herself furiously*, I didn’t think it would take THIS GD LONG. There’s only so much waiting a lady can do, sitting idly whilst hemming and hawing until her bearded devil man shows up to ask her a bunch of questions that will, natch, bring about the gnashing of teeth and tearing up of the eye-parts that I imagine occurs regularly when he plies his authorial skills.

Me: I really should have done this a while ago, but I wasn’t ready. Not that you can ever be ready for this. And to be honest, I was mad at you. Hell, Stace, I’m still mad at you.

SFC: Oof, let’s explore that. Are you mad because (A) I stood by my words and did what I said I was going to do and even you, with all your manliness and super powers, couldn’t convince me not to, (B) I forgot to send you the power-of-attorney, resulting in a bevy of vituperative and borderline despicable actions being taken by those whom never meant a lick to me, compared you and my closest besties, or (C) it’s easier than being sad, even though sadness is an emotion we need for that chance to really, truly, indubitably, zoobilee zooily FEEL happiness?

Me: D, All of the above, plus E-Z?

SFC: *checks with judges*. Looks like we’ll allow it, but I counter with this, dearest Addy: Life is a highway (unintentional hat-tip to Tom Cochrane) with people getting on and getting off, and all of us just scurrying around (like rats because it’s a rat race – METAPHORS!) waiting for our exit, and maybe you’re mostly mad (which is like being mostly dead, but without Miracle Max running around yelling Humperdink) because my exit came up before yours. Huh? What do you say? You can’t argue with my logic?

*drops mic* *dances a little, realizes nobody’s dancing with her, asks Steph why nobody will dance with her*

Me: Maybe a little. But I’m also mad that you had all of us, and you didn’t come to us. You had Stephanie, Tom, Krystyna, Tia, Racheal, and me, as well as everyone else – all of the family and friends and people out there – and we would have moved mountains for you. If you’d only asked.

SFC: Oh, my dear Addy, don’t you know how much I knew that? I knew that I could pick up the phone, and you’d be there, shovel in hand, not to move the mountain, mind you, but to help me bury the bodies. That’s how much I knew I could count on you.

Me: Yeah, but instead, we buried you.

SFC: Ooof, she repeats, taking another solid blow. Not nice to try to lay ye ol’ guilt trip on your bestie when she’s already been gone for a year. First of all, I’m like Teflon, baby, and guilt just slides off me like a pair of fried eggs. And secondly . . . well, wait, it’s time for me to ask you questions. Would you say that I was a relatively (compared to gen pop) intelligent and savvy gal with an equally savvy understanding of the world? *bats eyes*

Me: Yes, absolutely. You had a level of understanding that most people don’t even realize is possible, and can’t even try to aspire to reach. You were someone who just knew when to be there for someone, and what to say to make their lives better. It’s why you were my beautiful soul sister, and meant just as much to so many others as you did to me.

SFC: A simple yes would be sufficient. Flattery is unnecessary! Next question – was I someone with no brain waves, an individual under the age of consent, or a non-human (none of whom can give consent anyway), or was I a fully (relatively so) functioning adult?

Me: Sigh.

SFC: NO SIGHING IN BASEBALL, ADS! Answer me. Yes or no – was I an adult?

Me: Yes. You were an adult.

SFC: So, if it pleases the court (even though it appears the judge is not wearing pants YET AGAIN), would you in fact say that my choices were mine as a functioning, intelligent adult, and that your anger is less about me, and more about you? That you, in frustration of your lack of control, have decided to be mad because that’s something you can understand?

*picks up mic, drops it again*

Me: Fucker. I’m used to being the one who’s always right, you know.

SFC: Ha! I say again, HA! You, like every other of us who is trying to sort through life, make mistakes. Our flaws are us. They’re why you’re as beautiful as you are hairy (and won’t you reconsider letting me give you the name of a nice laser removal gent?) and why I love you so. I know you’re mad. But cut that out, starting now. This was my exit. Don’t go away mad, just don’t go away (apologies to the auteur Vince Neil).

Me: I’m still here. Always and forever. Even if we only got to have one true adventure.

SFC: But it was an adventure for the fucking record books! Thrusting trepidation to the side, trespassing while traversing the tangled theme park (alliteration totally INTENDED). And we had so many more planned – the catacombs, ghost hunting, a commune and life together with the most creative and wonderful people in the world, Australia, the world, just me and my bestie.

Me: I miss you, Stacy. So terribly.

SFC: Quit it. You had me! You got me on a level that almost nobody did. And you have memories and pictures and the Story of Us, and that will never change. But missing people is what sad people do. Don’t miss me – go make more memories with people like me. People who inspire you, who believe in you, who know who you truly are (even if you keep sticking to that tall tale of you being the meanest Becky on the block, I’ll always know the truth, the whole truth, and nuthin but it).

Can I get back to the highway analogy (looks like the judges said yes) and say that when you’re racing that sporty little red Miata with the hot blonde, and she gets off at her exit, you don’t get sad. You find another car to race, a billboard to read, a guy picking his nose to make fun of. You keep driving, and you don’t stop until your GPS says (in a sultry Stacy Bot voice) “Take the next exit”.

Me: And then?

SFC: And that’s when I’ll see you. Drinks are on me.

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Would you potentially be interested in a coffee table book that collects all of my and Stacy’s photos (like the ones below) from our journey through the abandoned Six Flags in New Orleans? Leave your name and email address below to be notified when more information is available:

six_flags_001

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Today’s post was brought to you by this song on repeat:

The Proust Questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire is a questionnaire that was made famous by the answers given by French author Marcel Proust during the end of the nineteenth century. It’s become common for magazines and hosts of interview shows to ask the same questions to their guests. People like David Bowie and Louis CK are just among a few who have answered the questions. And I figured I’d give it a shot too, without trying to be funny or put too much thought into my answers, either. I’m only giving myself thirty minutes, so here we go:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A book, a beach, and someone who loves me. A cabin in the woods with a  typewriter and a best friend. Basically, creativity, relaxation, and sex.

What is your greatest fear?

Dying without leaving my mark on the world. My legacy is all I have.

Which living person do you most admire?

Louis CK. What he can do and has done inspires me to no end. I strive to create projects I believe in with the same passion he has.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My need to control. I have gotten so much better about it, but I hate that I have a hard time going with the flow especially when the flow IS DOING IT WRONG

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

An adherence to the rules. Rules are there for the lowest common denominator idiot, so the fact that you are proud of yourself for following the rules makes you a dolt.

What do you dislike about your appearance?

It would be easier to pick what I like about myself.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

I’ll let you know.

When and where were you happiest?

Sitting on the dock at the cabin in South Carolina overlooking Lake Secession (yeah, I know) listening to the waves at seven in the morning while everyone still slept inside.

Which talent would you most like to have?

I wish I could sing, play instruments, and dance. I admire people who can do that so much. Anything musically inclined.

What is your current state of mind?

It’s a nice anxiety crusted depression cooked over a flame of uncertainty with a slight hint of optimism for the future.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I’d add six inches. . . to my height.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I’m still working on it.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

A dolphin. I fucking love dolphins. Or a tiger.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Settling . . . for life, for people, for mundaneity. Always aim for more.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

The ability to quote Airplane! and Spaceballs.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

See above. Plus, lips.

What do you most value in your friends?

My friends are the best in the world because they’re there for me. They listen without judgment and advise without attitude. They show a level of unconditional love that is tremendous.

Who are your favorite writers?

Stephen King. Lee Child. Robert Parker. Anne Rice. Dean Koontz.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Aslan. I want to be Aslan.

Who are your heroes in real life?

I don’t have any.

What is it that you most dislike?

The feeling that I can’t catch a break. It’s like climbing up a hill and falling two feet every time you make it three feet up, but you also have people calling and yelling at you and throwing shit at the same time.

How would you like to die?

After I’ve finished my masterpiece. Quietly. Surrounded by a harem who also took their own lives out of despair.

What is your motto?

I don’t judge you, fucker.


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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My interview with Rosa Parks

Sixty years ago today, Rosa Parks’s refusal to give in to the demands of a bus driver and relinquish her seat to a white passenger was a catalyst for a movement towards racial equality, a movement that’s still slowly progressing today. I thought today would be a great time to publish my posthumuous interview with her:

Avitable Interviews Rosa Parks

Me:  White people, amirite?

Rosa Parks:  Indeed. Though I wish it were as simple as education and awareness. 

Me:  You mean to say that liking a post on Facebook and sharing it, plus changing my profile picture, isn’t going to bring an end to systemic racism?

RP:  While that type of awareness can create fruitful conversations that may generate positive results, I think it will take so much more before people of color will be truly equal.

Me:  I think that movements like #BlackLivesMatter have the ability to effect real change if the voices are loud enough and the message is clear enough.

RP:  I would consider it a victory if we could simply educate those who respond with “All lives matter” as to why they’re being ignorant and offensive.

Me:  Here’s how I look at it. My birthday is on January 26th. I’m going to throw a party, and I expect people to bring presents, and I’m going to eat some cake. What if, every time someone wished me “Happy birthday”, someone else said “we all were born and have birthdays, so shouldn’t we all get presents?” And then I’d get mad and be all “But this moment is for me because you can have all the other moments. Right now, we’re here to celebrate the day that I showed up and graced the world with my presence. And now you don’t get any damn cake.” #MyBirthdayMatters

RP:  Hmm. Well, yes, I guess. So many of those defensive bigots don’t understand that the actual message is closer to “Black lives matter too”. Nobody’s arguing that all lives don’t matter. In fact, that is probably one of the stupidest arguments out there. But when you’re seeing black citizens mistreated at the hands of police officers who have little to no accountability, there is nothing more important than the lives of those who are being snuffed out without reason nor consequence.

Me:  And without cake.

RP:  Umm, yes.

Me:  Don’t you think it would be nice if everyone had the maturity and compassion to simply admit that our society, while still amazing, is broken in a few major areas, and that rather than acting defensively or selfishly and instead of remaining ignorant and misinformed, we promised to listen to our fellow human being, treat him or her with love and thoughtfulness, and stand up for the rights of everyone to be treated equally? And then eat birthday cake?

RP:  I do. Even though I’m not a big fan of cake.

Me:  You’re not?

RP:  No. I have a self-diagnosed gluten allergy and avoid sugar because it can make you autistic.

Me:  Wha?

RP:  I’m just playing.

Me:  Who knew you had such a sense of humor?

RP:  Most people saw me as this extremely serious, almost dour woman, but the truth is I was a lot of fun to be around. In fact, here’s a little trivia about that bus ride that I’ve never told anyone.

Me:  Ooh. Let’s hear it!

RP:  I was actually taking the bus to a Syrian refugee’s house because he was a Muslim-born pagan witch doctor who performed abortions when he wasn’t planning terrorist acts, and I was pregnant with a baby from my orgy with a transgendered couple.

Me:  You still playin?

RP:  You know it.

Me:  Let’s have some cake.

RP:  Chocolate?

Me:  Of course!


Have you ever wanted to know what Michael Jackson’s last words were after he died? What about Amy Winehouse? Whitney Houston? Osama bin Laden? Hitler? Reagan? And about 50 more?Read more fake interviews with dead celebrities by buying my book today!

Interviews with Dead Celebrities, a book by Adam Heath Avitable

Talking to Celebrities, the Chocolate Babka Woman from Seinfeld, and an Interview with Suzy Soro

My friend Suzy Soro is probably best known for playing the woman who bought the last chocolate babka before Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes could get to it for the dinner party they were attending. She’s also a comedian, a popular Twittererer, a blogger, and, as of 2012, an author.

Celebrity sTalker, by Suzy Soro

Her book, Celebrity sTalker: Stories From a Woman Who Thinks Celebrities Are Dying to Talk to Her. Only They Aren’t, is a sordid look at the world of celebrities from someone who is right on the edge of the public vortex. This blurb from the back of the book, written by a very wise and funny man who goes by the name of Adam Heath Avitable, says it all:

“Darkly funny, unabashedly honest, and voyeuristic with every word, Celebrity sTalker will be relished by anyone on the other side of the red carpet.”

As I’ve done in the past with author friends like Ree Drummond and Jenny the Bloggess, I decided to interview Suzy about her book.

Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?

Suzy: I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.

He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.

“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”

Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.

How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?

Suzy: There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.

Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?

Suzy: George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on IMDb.com that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.

Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.

Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?

Suzy: About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.

She’s probably still doing it.

I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?

Suzy: I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.

Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?

Suzy: There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.

What does your sister think of the book?

Suzy: She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.

If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?

Suzy: If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara

Other than your book, what’s your favorite book written in the last year?

Suzy: Yours.

And with that fantastic final answer – I mean, does she know how to interview or what? – go right now to your closest bookstore, which is probably your computer because who goes to a bookstore anymore, and buy Suzy’s book and follow her on Twitter and hide out near her house and write her fan mail and like her Facebook page and send her photos of your genitalia!

 

 

A web series about blogging? Plus nudity? Who could resist?

Before today’s post, I wanted to wish my Canadian friends a happy Thanksgiving with this graphic I posted on Facebook. Also, if you haven’t had a chance, go read my funny Canadian Thanksgiving Q&A with the queen of fashion and shopping, Loukia!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving - a graphic for Facebook


And now for the reason we’re here today – to talk about television. I love television. In the right hands, with good writing, good acting, and a powerful creative streak, television can be used to create some of the best entertainment out there. Of course, it can also be used to create unfunny cliched material that is filled with triteness and random coincidence and Ashton Kutcher or Charlie Sheen.

That’s why I’m happy to help a friend promote a project that she’s doing called BlogTHAT. Jessica Bern, writer at BernThis.com and recently divorced single mom living in Los Angeles, is developing BlogTHAT as a web series following a 42-year-old divorced mother of a three-year-old who is trying to find her “new normal”. Along with Deb Anderson and Maria McCann, Jessica has a Kickstarter campaign to raise money to shoot the pilot for a web series that promises to be quite funny.

They set their goal at $4,000 but soon realized that maybe they were a little too conservative in their funding estimates. The fundraising stops in the next eight days, and Jessica et al are hoping to raise additional money to see the pilot come to fruition with the highest quality possible.

Go here to support this worthy project, and depending on your donation, you may even get to have your Twitter handle read out loud in the series, or get a shoutout in the credits! I asked Jessica a few questions about the project as well:

Avitable: BlogTHAT is a web series based loosely around your life and your blog, BernThis.com. If you had to sum up BernThis in one or two words, what would you say?

Bern: Raw, Real

Avitable: Those are the same words I’d use to describe my amateur porn. Also: terrifying and oh god oh god why are you making me watch this? Reading your site, I’d like to say that it’s honest and funny, and those are two of the best things writing can be, in my opinion. If this were a series that you were not starring in but producing, who would you choose to play you (if you could choose anyone from any time or place)? And who do you think a studio would choose for you?

Bern: A studio would choose Jennifer Aniston. I get asked almost daily if anyone has ever told me I looked like her.

Who would I choose? Jennifer as well.  I have come to see how her actions, her facial expressions, etc. are a lot like mine or is it mine are like hers?

Avitable: She probably copied you. And I can see the resemblance! What makes BlogTHAT different from other series focusing on the single mom – what’s that unique hook that will make me watch? Is it nudity? Because, honestly, that got me to watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand for an entire season.

Bern: It’s about blogging, social media and what goes on in those worlds. There are millions of bloggers and pretty much everyone outside of my sisters uses a form of social media almost daily.  This is the first time the main character’s ‘job’ revolves around social media/blogging – oh and then there will of course be nudity…her dog will actually never be seen in anything but his birthday suit.

Avitable: Canine nudity? I’m sold! What are your three favorite TV shows? Who are your three favorite authors? Comedians?

Bern: Three favorite shows:  Dramas; Breaking Bad, Six Feet Under was incredible and NYPD Blue, never missed an episode and I have to be honest with you, I think Dennis Franz is hot.  Comedies:  Arrested Development,  Sex and the City, Curb Your Enthusiasm  Comedians? Brian Regan, Maria Bamford, Kathleen Madigan  all hilarious.

Avitable: I’ve been told that I have Franz’s ass, so you know, if you ever need a long-distance booty call, I’m all yours. Beyond the series, what is your ultimate goal? Mine is to marry Ke$ha.

Bern: Well, I guess marrying Ke$ha is out of the question as I am loathe to steal other fantasies, I mean, goals…cough.  So outside of that, I would be very content to have BlogTHAT be a success either on the web or on network TV, I would just want to “keep telling my stories in any form” as my writing partner Deb Anderson always says.

Avitable: IT’S NOT A FANTASY – *sob* – Is there anything that you find off-limits when you blog? Is there anything that was too sensitive that won’t be making the move to the web series?

Bern: Nothing is too sensitive when it comes to me but when it comes to my kid’s life, I am very careful what I share especially as she gets older.

Avitable: I can understand that. There are days when I think that I’m lucky I don’t have children, as they would be mortified by my every move and it would be immortalized on the Internet.  Do you have an actor to play your child? Can I audition? I’ll say one thing, though – I have to keep the beard and that’s non-negotiable.

Bern: I do have an actress to play my kid. She is the director’s daughter. She not only has talent but she is willing to do anything for her craft including but not limited to 1. shaving her beard and 2. emptying my dishwasher and 3. walking behind me 7 hours a day telling me I look like I’m 27.

Avitable: Well, she’s got three points on me. I hate emptying the dishwasher, too, and I was going to say that you look 25! Is there anything else you’d like to say, about the series, your blog, the Kickstarter campaign, or how sexy I am?

Bern: You are sexy, ice cream should be its own food group and the Kickstarter campaign ends on the 17th so if anyone wants to donate now is the time!

Go support Jessica and her team today!