Archive for the ‘Love and marriage’ Category

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A Pessimist's Guide to Living Alone

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

While there are many positives to living alone – cleaning is easier, I'm the only one making a to-do list, no sharing the bed – there are plenty of disadvantages as well. And since this is the first time I've lived alone in 11 years, I'm now aware of the differences. For example:

  • It's always your turn to do the dishes.
  • You only have yourself to blame when there's something shitty playing on TV.
  • When you hear a noise on the other side of the house, it may be a raccoon or a ghost.
  • Do you know how hard it is to scratch yourself in that one spot on your back?
  • Ninjas
  • When you're sitting naked in your living room, watching TV and the doorbell rings, you're the only one getting the door.
  • You can only play "Marco" in the pool, and it's not nearly as much fun.
  • For the love of GOD, make sure you have toilet paper in the bathroom you're in.
  • You have to tell yourself that you don't look fat in those jeans.
  • It's either gremlins or you're just too fucking stupid to remember to put your keys in the same place every time.
  • There's nobody to talk you out of buying that awesome thing you just saw on late night TV.
  • That package of Oreos? You're going to end up eating all of them, by yourself, watching Lifetime.
  • The only thing you're going to be snuggling with in bed is a Japanese love pillow.
  • Laughing to yourself at the television has gone from cute to kind of creepy in a Unabomber way
  • Your fashion disaster will go unnoticed until you actually go into public.
  • It's a lot harder to be a secret crossdresser if you have to go out and buy your own lingerie!

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Posted in Love and marriage | 103 Comments »

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day!

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

I thought I'd rerun a Valentine's Day post from last year, with some of the card ideas I came up with. I would actually write a real post, but I'm headed out to a Rock Band Valentine's Day party and I'm sorry, but that obviously takes more precedence over writing humorous posts for a day that's only in existence because of companies like Hallmark's and Whitman.

Here are just a few of my new card ideas:

For your mistress

For your mistress

For the serial killer's girlfriend

For the serial killer's girlfriend

For the lazy wife

For the lazy wife

For the liberal wife

For the liberal wife

For the man-whore's girlfriend

For the man-whore's girlfriend

(for those of you who didn't get the title – check out 30 Rock and this Wikipedia article)

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Posted in Love and marriage | 11 Comments »

Divorce 101

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Welcome to Divorce 101 here at Avitable's School of Higher Learning. Hopefully, each of you did your reading over winter break. If not, your assignments are to read "You Can't Have 'Divorce' Without an 'Orc'" and "Top Ten Ways Not To Get Ripped Off By The Pawnbroker Buying Your Wedding Ring" and write a paper discussing the thematic elements in each book and how they compare to and contrast with the philosophy present in Plato's Republic.

I don't have a syllabus ready because I was too busy trying to buy all of those little things you need for your home that you don't think about, like coasters or salt and pepper or a toilet brush. So instead, I've decided just to quickly outline the next 12 weeks so that you can be properly prepared for each lesson. Remember, I grade on a curve, but you will lose or gain points based on the caliber, attractiveness, and IQ of your rebound final exam.

DIVORCE 101, BY DOCTOR ADAM HEATH AVITABLE

LESSON #1: DISHES

Problem: Doing dishes sucks. I hate that chore more than anything else in the world.
Old Married Solution: Wait until they pile so high that spouse does them.
New Divorced Solution: Use paper plates.

LESSON #2: TELEVISION

Problem: Part of the fun of watching comedies is laughing with other people.
Old Married Solution: Save comedies to watch with spouse.
New Divorced Solution: Record yourself laughing on your computer and make your own laughtrack.

LESSON #3: LAUNDRY

Problem: It's inordinately difficult to put dirty laundry anywhere other than the exact spot where you took it off.
Old Married Solution: Laundry fairy flits around, picking up dirty socks and underwear and placing them in clothes hampers.
New Divorced Solution: Buy 60 pairs of socks, 60 pairs of underwear, and re-use shirts and pants. Once every two months, rent a small backhoe and push laundry pile into laundry room.

LESSON #4: MEALS

Problem: I don't like to cook and I don't like going out to eat alone.
Old Married Solution: Go out for dinner 5 nights a week and order in the other two.
New Divorced Solution: Microwave two hot dogs covered in cheese and smother in mayo. Total prep time: 1:45.

LESSON #5: SLEEPING

Problem: I have nightmares of creepy little girls and huge spiders.
Old Married Solution: Scream until spouse wakes up and calms you down.
New Divorced Solution: Only sleep in 20-minute increments every two hours so that you achieve sleep without ever going into a dream state.

LESSON #6: SHARING

Problem: It's a stress relief to share the details of your mundane day.
Old Married Solution: Tell spouse about your day in detail.
New Divorced Solution: Blog.

LESSON #7: COMFORT

Problem: There's a distinct difference in the feel of an empty house vs a house with someone else living there.
Old Married Solution: Spouse is present.
New Divorced Solution: Rent your new home out as a glory hole for 50-year old queens.

LESSON #8: ZOMBIE ATTACK

Problem: Zombies are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Pick a defensible room and cover each other's backs until spouse gets bitten, then kill spouse and then self.
New Divorced Solution: Get bitten, join the zombies and become King of Zombies.

LESSON #9: NINJAS

Problem: Ninjas are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Show you are a man of honor by defending spouse, gain respect of ninja clan.
New Divorced Solution: Demand ninja respect by dropping pants and praying that Asian small penis stereotype is true.

LESSON #10: GEEKINESS

Problem: You are a giant geek who reads comic books and has action figures.
Old Married Solution: Embrace your geekiness completely because spouse has already committed.
New Divorced Solution: Rent two homes. One for dates that demonstrates a home of a well-adjusted, normal 33-year old man, and one that nobody sees with 43 Batman statues, a full-size Yoda replica, and lightsabers.

LESSON #11: DRESSING

Problem: You have no idea how to dress.
Old Married Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Spouse is stuck with you.
New Divorced Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!

LESSON #12: CHOKING

Problem: There is always a risk of choking when eating any type of food.
Old Married Solution: Make sure spouse knows CPR.
New Divorced Solution: Limit diet to soup and ice cream to avoid any possibility of choking and asphyxiating alone on your kitchen floor.

And that's it for today's class. I'd teach more, but I somehow have more chores I need to do even though there's only one of me! See you next week when we'll also explore why it's not proper for a man to refer to himself as a "divorcee".

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Posted in Love and marriage | 141 Comments »

An autopsy of my top drawer

Monday, February 1st, 2010

I've had my bureau since I was a baby and too young to know what one was. It's moved with me from Daytona Beach to Virginia to Saint Louis to Los Angeles and back to Florida. As I progressed to wearing shirts that required hanging and as I kept my shorts in a pile by the front door where I shucked them as I entered the house, I stopped using all but one drawer of my bureau. All of my socks, manties, and undershirts were crammed into one drawer and the other drawers were sadly neglected.

After moving to my new house, I decided that there was no reason not to use my bureau the way it was meant to be used. That meant cleaning out the drawers first, though. After cleaning out the pound and a half of gum wrappers and crumpled pieces of paper, this is what I found in my top drawer:

Click me for a larger version

Click me for a larger version

  1. A Sharpie, for writing my name in my underwear in case of an accident.
  2. The manual for a Universal Remote that we haven't owned since 2004.
  3. MAD Magazine for quick comedy relief.
  4. Pair of infant Superman pajamas that my parents gave us as a Christmas present and as a hint on our first Christmas back in Florida. Ha – I showed them!
  5. Books – because of course they belong in a drawer, not in a bookcase with the rest of their kind. They're too good for their home.
  6. Pieces of a cut-up credit card stored here for security purposes for all of those thieves who go through our garbage. Not because I'm crazy paranoid.
  7. Avitable.com condoms. Unused.
  8. Cable splitters, in case of a cable emergency.
  9. Handi-wipes that expired in 2004. Is that even possible?
  10. A Zippo lighter that says "Fuck Communism" on the side. /comic reference
  11. Hot pink cock ring. Obviously for gay sex only.
  12. Old lunch receipt from 2004. Parking receipt from 2003. Saved for tax purposes. The retarded packrat tax, apparently.
  13. Belt that never fit me, but I can now wear as tight as it goes. And beat my imaginary children with.
  14. K-bar knife from the US Marine Corps, because you never know when you might need to stab people in your bedroom.
  15. Light-up clown nose for fun and games and scaring children.
  16. Piggy bank that I received when I was born. Has my name and birthdate engraved on it. Contains nothing.
  17. Apparently at its old age, piggy is incontinent and keeps pooping out coins.

I think I'll keep the knife, hang up the belt, put the books and magazine away, wear the Superman pajamas, put on the cock ring, split my cable, wipe my hands, spend my change, wear the clown nose, and write my name on my forehead, and then I'll have my sock drawer back!

In other Avitanews, today is the birthday of a friend in the UK, Dan from All That Comes With It. Go wish him a happy birthday and check out the awesome armchair reviews over at his new site, Lee and Dan's Midnight Movie Club!

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Posted in Love and marriage | 45 Comments »

Uncomfortable silence

Monday, January 25th, 2010

There's something palpable in the silence between two people who have nothing left to say. The "sweety"s and "honey"s are replaced with downcast stares and sad eyes. The guilt and the hurt and the confusion and the pain form together to create this invisible monster that swirls around the room and constricts my chest. Our words are low and tight, and an awkwardness exists that had never been present.

As we talk in cold, clinical terms about who gets which DVD or the extra set of chairs, it all seems so stupid. But it's necessary, and there are no words that can take away the inevitable. Even knowing that I am the architect of the demolition, it's the fact that we built it together, brick by brick, that makes it So. Goddamn. Hard. If only I could offer solace or comfort. Something other than quietly saying "I'm sorry". But I can't. It's no longer my place. I gave up that right.

We lapse into familiar routines for an instant. We share a chuckle at an inside joke, and in the space between heartbeats, everything feels normal. But even quicker, reality raps at the door. We finish our conversation and return to that thick, heavy silence. A silence that has now been replaced with the quiet hush of my new empty home.

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Posted in Love and marriage, Serious stuff | 182 Comments »

Signs that you are in a dangerous relationship

Friday, October 9th, 2009

Soccer mom Melanie Hain, who made the news in 2008 by having a loaded weapon at her daughter's soccer game, was found shot dead in her home along with her husband, from whom she had separated, on Thursday. It's suspected to be a murder-suicide.

In the interest of preventing future tragedies such as this one, I thought I'd educate you on some additional signs that your marriage may be hazardous to your health:

  1. YOUR WIFE CARRIES A LOADED HANDGUN TO YOUR DAUGHTER'S SOCCER GAMES.
  2. Instead of "honey" or "babe", your spouse calls you "dead meat" and "corpsey".
  3. Your spouse's favorite movie is "The War of the Roses" but he or she thinks it's a documentary.
  4. The handcuffs in your secret toychest aren't padded and your spouse has hidden the only key.
  5. You're married to Chris Benoit.
  6. Your wife or husband always adds "for a dead man/woman" to the end of any phrase. "How's my hair look?" "Good, for a dead woman."
  7. Your silverware drawer is separated into soup spoons, salad forks, entree forks, butter knives, steak knives, and throwing knives.
  8. When you call your spouse's cell phone, the Caller ID shows "Die Fucker Die" instead of your name.
  9. On that diving trip in the Bahamas, you found chum in your pockets.
  10. Instead of a prenup, your spouse made you sign a DNR.

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Posted in Love and marriage | 35 Comments »

About Amy

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

I've seen this all over the interweb. It's sexist because it's written for all the women bloggers to write about their male significant others, but I've adjusted it where necessary.

1. She’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
History Channel, Animal Planet, Discovery, or reruns of Star Trek, Law & Order, or Angel.

2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does she get on her salad?
Italian or a Balsamic Vinaigrette

3. What’s one food she doesn’t like?
Steak. Anymore.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does she order?
The drink will be wine, beer (if it's not domestic) or maybe a margarita or martini. The meal depends.

5. Where did she go to high school?
Idaho Springs, Colorado

6. What size shoe does she wear?
9? 9 1/2?

7. If she was to collect anything, what would it be?
Recycled art

8. What is her favorite type of sandwich?!
Grilled Cheese. Or maybe a veggie sub. Or peanut butter.

9. What would this person eat every day if she could?
Brie or goat cheese and crackers.

10. What is her favorite cereal?
She eats that horrible crap like Fiber One and Grape Nuts and Kashi. Ugh.

11. What would she never wear?
Something out of style.

12. What is her favorite sports team?
She and I share the same opinion on sports.

13. Who did she vote for?
Obama

14. Who is her best friend?
Me. And Catherine.

15. What is something you do that she wishes you wouldn’t do?
Drive so aggressively and teach other drivers "lessons".

16. What is her heritage?
Native American, Jewish, and English/Dutch/German

17. You bake her a cake for her birthday; what kind of cake?
Ice cream cake.

18. Did she play sports in high school?
Basketball. And she got in fights.

19. What could she spend hours doing?
Laying with the dog relaxing.

20. What is one unique talent she has?
She can remember every small detail that happened to her during a day and can tell it to me at the end of said day.

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Posted in Love and marriage | 27 Comments »

$100 by any other name would still smell as sweet

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

roses

Each Valentine's Day, I buy Amy flowers. (Attention Valentine's Day haters: It's not the only day I get her flowers – I usually try to get her flowers a few times a year for no reason as well.)

The fun part with buying her flowers is trying to come up with something funny to use for the card. (A few Valentine's Days ago, I told the story of some of the past cards I've sent Amy – you should read that if you haven't before. It's a good story.)

This year, I got her three dozen roses through Proflowers.com. They came via FedEx in a big long cardboard box. It's not as romantic as having a florist deliver them arranged in a vase, but that's how so many companies do it today.

When I placed the order, I had come up with three possible messages for the card. They were:

1. If these roses could talk, they'd say "Help me! Get me out of this fucking box! I can't see!". But they'd also say how much I love you.

2. For Valentine's Day, here are 36 roses – one for each abortion I made you get.

3. This Valentine's Day bouquet has been carefully assembled by migrant workers working in cramped conditions for meager pay just so you can enjoy flowers for three days before they all die. Please to enjoy!

Which one do you think I chose?

***
In other Avita-news:

Tonight (that's Wednesday night for you midget cowboys out there) is a brand new installment of "Clearly, You're Retarded"!

Yesterday, I gave the opinion that "Having more money will always improve life, and if you say otherwise, you're deluding yourself.". Naturally, being a contrary, stubborn person, Britt disagrees, so I'm going to defend my opinion while she takes potshots at me and dodges questions.

The show will be live from 9 PM to 10 PM EST on Talkshoe. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

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Posted in Clearly You're Retarded, Love and marriage | 38 Comments »

Hallmark needs to pay me millions.

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

Hey everybody. Happy Valentine's Day! (Or Happy Self Love Day!)

Amy and I are in Savannah this weekend, thanks to the glowing reviews from Britt and Becky. We've got dinner reservations at some restaurant called Cha Bella, so that should be fun, and then we're heading over to Oatland Island to join a ghost hunting group at a 50,000 square foot abandoned building. Should be quite the romantic evening!

On Friday, SciFi Dad wrote a hilarious post with his own versions of Valentine's Day e-cards. I liked the idea so much that I decided to steal it and use it for my post on Saturday while I'm gone.

Once again, I think that Hallmark needs to come up with more clever Valentine's Day cards that will cover all different scenarios. They're missing a huge market, and I'm just the genius they need to help!

Here are just a few of my new card ideas:

For your mistress

For your mistress

For the serial killer's girlfriend

For the serial killer's girlfriend

For the lazy wife

For the lazy wife

For the liberal wife

For the liberal wife

For the man-whore's girlfriend

For the man-whore's girlfriend

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Posted in Love and marriage | 29 Comments »

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad lib

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

As you know, Valentine's Day is on Saturday. While I think that it's unnecessary to need a special day to buy flowers or a gift for your significant other, it's still a day that Amy and I celebrate.

This year, I'm planning a surprise for her, and since there are some people who know her who read this blog, I can't post the details. So I'm just going to have to post a censored version instead.

First thing Saturday morning, Amy and I will __VERB__ until it's __NOUN__ to __VERB__. She'll __VERB__ my __NOUN__, I'll __VERB__ our __NOUN__, and then we'll both __VERB__.

Next, we'll spend a few hours __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ until we both __VERB__. While __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__, we'll do lots of __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ and I might ask Amy to __VERB__ me so I don't get __ADJECTIVE__. Once we both __VERB__, we'll __VERB__ in the __NOUN__ and go to our __NOUN__. Later that day, we plan on __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ or maybe even __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ a __NOUN__. At 6:30, we have plans to __VERB__ __NOUN__, so we'll have to have finished __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ and __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ by then.

After __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__, we will __VERB__ to a(n) __ADJECTIVE__ __NOUN__, where we'll start __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ for __NOUN__. For the rest of the night, we will be __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ and __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ and probably __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ our __NOUN__ if it's too __ADJECTIVE__. I think that we'll be completely exhausted by the time we finally fall asleep.

The next morning, before Amy wakes up, I'll __VERB__ her __NOUN__, and then we'll enjoy a leisurely __NOUN__ before __NOUN__. Then we'll start __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ after that. I think that we'll probably be too tired by that point to do any real __VERB ENDING IN "ING"__ and will probably just __VERB__ to __NOUN__ instead.

All in all, it should be an exciting Valentine's Day weekend!

Do you want to play along? Fill in the missing words in the comments, and I'll pick the top one or two funniest versions and post them here! (I might even give a prize if any of them are particularly clever.)

The words to fill in are, in order:

1. Verb
2. Noun
3. Verb
4. Verb
5. Noun
6. Verb
7. Noun
8. Verb
9. Verb ending in "ing"
10. Verb
11. Verb ending in "ing"
12. Verb ending in "ing"
13. Verb
14. Adjective
15. Verb
16. Verb
17. Noun
18. Noun
19. Verb ending in "ing"
20. Verb ending in "ing"
21. Noun
22. Verb
23. Noun
24. Verb ending in "ing"
25. Verb ending in "ing"
26. Verb ending in "ing"
27. Verb
28. Adjective
29. Noun
30. Verb ending in "ing"
31. Noun
32. Verb ending in "ing"
33. Verb ending in "ing"
34. Verb ending in "ing"
35. Noun
36. Adjective
37. Verb
38. Noun
39. Noun
40. Noun
41. Verb ending in "ing"
42. Verb ending in "ing"
43. Verb
44. Noun

****
In other Avita-news:

Thanks to the few people who attempted to translate my secret message to Heather in Friday's post. The message was written in Shyriiwook, which the language used by the Wookiees from Star Wars. If you translated it (using a translator like this one), you would find out that the original message said:

"May Heather's thirty-seventh year be as bountiful as the fleas in Lowbacca's fur."

My cousin Jared got the answer first, although he thought "Lowbacca" was an error on my part so he wrote "Chewbacca" instead. SciFi Dad was the first one to get it completely correct, so I've decided to send both of them $25 Amazon gift cards as a thanks for playing!

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Posted in Love and marriage | 28 Comments »

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