Welcome to the 47th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was the SciFi Edition, and a few answers might cause some debate. First, the answer to #3 was the original Alien, but most people said Aliens, which was the sequel. Am I remembering that wrong, or wasn't the first Alien the one where she was hanging out with the Marines and Paul Reiser in her panties? Another debatable one was #4 - being very, very allergic to water. The answer was not Alien Nation. I would have said "salt water". The answer is Signs. Another hard one was #9. The answer is Return of the Jedi, because that's when they find out they're brother and sister. Finally, #12, the Galaxy of Terror one, was about Futurama, which had an episode that mentioned the Galaxy of Terror (when Fry accidentally drank the Emperor). Nobody guessed that one! Oh, and congratulations to Metalmom, who was the only one to correctly guess that #14 was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is a 6-pack sampler of gourmet popcorn from Dale & Thomas Popcorn!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
Once, when a girl threw water on me after I got out of the pool.

2. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
No, but I've puked to a musical crescendo.

3. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Only when my finger got cut off in the door.

4. What can always make you happy?
The girls over at Dante's.

5. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Well, she did catch fire, but I'm used to it.

6. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
Only when I make everything groovy.

7. Are you in a relationship?
No - the moth guy and I are just partners.

8. Who do you actually hate?
Nazis. And rats.

9. Are you a mean bully?
Nope. Once I hurl the kid into the air, he usually leaves everyone alone.

10. Do you wish you could be someone else?
A prince who is moving to Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma.

11. What is your current hair color?
Half blond, half blackened.

12. Have you ever been on the phone until the sun came up?
No. The last time I saw the sun come up, almost 220 years ago, there were no phones.

13. Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Two boys on bikes. One gave me a shirt.

14. Who was the last person who made you laugh?
Johnny, doing one of his usual characters.

15. Do you get along with your parents?
I did, until my mom died and my dad didn't tell me!

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

Welcome to the 46th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Two weeks ago was a little hard, I guess. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #15 was "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is for my friend Dan. In little more than a week, he and 9 friends will be walking 78 miles in six days for charity, with all proceeds going to The Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity set up by his close friends Neil and Rachel in memorial of their three year old son Joseph who in April of 2005 died suddenly in his sleep.

The Joseph Salmon Trust supports parents who have lost a child by providing financial assistance to those who need it most. This may be to help with funeral costs or to allow the self employed a break from work while they come to terms with their loss. Grieving families have enough to deal with without worries about where they will find the money to say goodbye to their child or pay the next electricity bill. Nothing we can do can make their situation better, but we can do something to stop it getting worse.

This week's prize will be a $100 donation to the Joseph Salmon Trust in the winner's name. It's a worthy cause, and if you feel like donating yourself, you can do so here.

This is also a themed contest - every answer has to do with a song, movie, or television show that's in the SCIFI GENRE!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Do you wear slippers?
Yup. I named them, too. Klaatu and Nikto.

2. Are you pregnant?
Pregnant or something! I should just hurl myself into this giant furnace.

3. Do you wear a bra to bed at night?
I just wear a t-shirt and panties when I go into stasis with the Marines.

4. Are you allergic to anything?
I'm really, really allergic to water.

5. When was the last time you called in sick?
Well, I got shot up pretty bad by a Detroit gang and was pronounced dead.

6. Have you ever been in a car accident?
No, but once I fell when escaping from a nuclear wessel.

7. What is your favorite snack food?
Cats.

8. Do you think you have a big butt?
I have a good butt. And three boobs.

9. Would you like to look like your mom when you are her age?
I barely remember her. She died shortly after giving birth to me and my brother.

10. If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?
A lot of mashed potatoes. I've got some sculpting to do!

11. Do you own a dictionary?
No, but I've read one. Along with hundreds of books. I need more input!

12. Where was the last place you went on vacation?
Somewhere in the Galaxy of Terror.

13. Do you talk about your friends behind their backs?
Only if they're pre-criminals.

14. Do you like to mow the yard?
When I can find the damn remote control.

15. Any big plans for the summer?
Work in the mud fields of Canton and sing the Hero's praises.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

Due to the holiday weekend, there is no Lazy Sunday contest this week. Come back next Sunday for the winners from the last contest and for a brand new contest.

Got this from Karl, and it's 11:00 PM and I haven't written a post for midnight yet, so this is the best you're going to get.

The ABCs of Me

Accent: Is retard an accent? Because whenever I hear my voice, I hear a hint of 'tard.

Breakfast or no breakfast: Unless we make an effort to go out to breakfast, at which time I'll get waffles or pancakes and sausages and gallons of syrup for both, I don't eat breakfast. My wife, however, loves Grape Nuts.

Chore I don’t care for: I'm a firm believer in paying other people to do the things that I don't want to do.

Dog or Cat: I love well-trained dogs, and kittens are cute, but I really want to own a chimpanzee.

Essential Electronics: It's harder to think of any electronic equipment of mine that isn't essential. Except maybe the rectal probe.

Favorite Cologne: I rarely wear cologne, because it usually clashes with the fruity or chocolatey scented body wash I use.

Gold or Silver: Platinum. Unless we're talking about my grillz, in which case diamonds all the way, awww yeah.

Handbag I carry most often: Usually my wife's. Or my other wife's.

Insomnia: I work at my desk until I literally fall asleep, and then stumble to bed. I don't have any problem sleeping.

Job Title: CEO. And my wife's bitch. And my other wife's bitch.

Kids: I like Britt's kids. I probably wouldn't like yours. If I have one, I'd hope I liked it.

Living Arrangements: We're married and in our 30s - we live on our own in our own house.

Most Admirable Trait: Well, I'd say that my extreme cynicism and hatred of 99% of the world's population was admirable, but I think most people would probably focus on my loyalty instead.

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: Rampant serial masturbation and subsequent ejaculation.

Overnight hospital stays: I've never stayed in a hospital. I broke my thumb when I was young and had some outpatient surgery done to a birthmark on my head, but other than that, I've never been in a hospital for any type of procedure.

Phobias: I'm a bit claustrophobic when I feel like I can't move, but other than that, I'm not scared of very much.

Quote: "Morality is not respectability." - George Bernard Shaw

Reason to smile: I never need a reason. Even though I'm a cynic, I can find a dark humor in everything.

Siblings: They exist.

Time I wake up: 6:30-7:00 AM, almost without fail.

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can read faster than all of you. Yes, even you.

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: I don't really eat vegetables at all. Meat, bread, potatoes, and chocolate. That's about it.

Worst Habit: I like to punch pregnant women in the face.

X-rays: Not when I wear my foil hat.

Yummy Stuff: Anything with chocolate. Or birthday cake.

Zoo Animal I Like Most: I've always wanted a monkey. Or a tiger. Or a dolphin!

Welcome to the 45th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was tough for everyone. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #3 was "The Simpsons" or that the correct answer to #13 was "Roswell". I'm ashamed of you supposed Simpsons fans and scifi fans out there!

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a mystery! I'll be pulling out some cool stuff and giving it away, but it's a total enigma to you!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?
I don't really have anything in common with them. They don't even like Twinkies!

2. Do you fold your underwear?
Iron it, fold it, arrange it by color and age and who it was inspected by.

3. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?
I told someone that if they were in, I was in.

4. What was your first job?
I worked for my dad's Big and Tall store.

5. Aside from Driver's Ed, who really taught you how to drive?
I been driving people around in Hong Kong for long time.

6. What did you do today?
Killed a yak with mind bullets.

7. Are you emotional?
I ain't got time to emote.

8. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?
Just that one where I owned the inn in Vermont.

9. If you were in an emergency situation and you had to deliver a baby, could you?
Only if you downloaded the knowledge into my brain.

10. What was the most recent thing you bought?
This cutest little pet from a cranky Chinese guy.

11. What is on your refrigerator door?
I don't know. It blew away, with the fridge, during an atomic bomb explosion.

12. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
Give the best history presentation ever.

13. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Only the laser-free ones.

14. What are you wearing?
An outfit that blends in with the outside of this building, a small hang glider, and I'm carrying an empty gun.

15. What was the last thing you ate?
The best pork dish I've ever eaten.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

After a short break last week (go see last week's winners and answers over at Shiny's blog), we're back for Lazy Sunday 44!

This week's prize is a Royal Rabbit Vibrator Kit from Adam & Eve!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
At the guy who rescued me when he wouldn't bring all of my luggage.

2. What kind of car do you drive?
A taxi. I named him Benny.

3. Have you ever had a garage sale?
Not since I caused havoc by selling my matter transporter for two dollars.

4. What's for dinner tonight?
I don't know, but ick. I'd eat anything you cooked (but I won't eat that).

5. What is the last drink you drank?
A good sarsparilla.

6. Last time you were sick?
When getting a ride in the fighter jet from DC to Los Angeles.

7. Are you happy right now?
I'm always happy unless I end up headfirst in a horse's ass.

8. What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
The one that says "Bad Motherfucker".

9. What is in your pocket?
A room key for the hotel where my boyfriend lives since his house burned down, a taser, and a pen that's actually a listening device.

10. Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
I don't remember, but it's tattooed on my shoulder.

11. What's something fun you did today?
Had a showdown with my dad. Literally.

12. What are you going to do after this
I'm going to spend all of my credits to hang out with a Companion.

13. What is something you need to go shopping for?
Hot sauce. My brother, sister and I love hot sauce.

14. What was the last thing someone you love said to you?
Multipass.

15. What is a compliment you receive way too often?
People tell me that my hair is perfect and then call me a girl's name. I'll take what I can get!

And that's it for this week!

First, happy Father's Day to all the dads, sugar daddies, pimp daddies, who's your daddies and you're not my daddies out there.

Second, go wish Sarcastica a happy birthday! She's a bit down, so getting some blogger love would cheer her up.

Finally, the contest:

This week, I'm changing things up a bit! I'm taking today off, but we're still having our normal Lazy Sunday contest. Just head on over to my friend Shiny's blog Shiny's Takeout (Get it? Say it aloud!) and he has been gracious enough to come up with a prize and 15 references for you to guess. I don't even know what they are, and I'll be playing right alongside you!

If you're looking for the answers and winner from last week, you can find them in an extended entry.
Read more...

Welcome to the 43rd Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week must have been a tough one. Sybil is the only one who correctly identified #14 as "Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic", Mike LeSombre is the only who correctly identified #11 as "Scrubs" and nobody identified #12 as "Angel".

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is another iPod Shuffle!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Name something a claustrophobic person should not get into.
He shouldn't get into a job on floor 7 1/2.

2. What one thing does a woman spend the most time on when getting ready?
Having her buttcheeks buffed by a floor polisher.

3. What is a Spanish word that everyone knows the meaning of?
Plethora

4. Name something in your bathroom that you leave plugged in all the time.
The clock. After I fell and hit my head trying to hang it, I'm leaving it there. Besides, now I have this crazy idea in my head.

5. Besides golfers, what is something you see on a golf course?
People with beer helmets.

6. Name a household chore you actually enjoy?
Cleaning is easy when you get pigeons and roaches to help.

7. Name something you walk out on.
A fiancee who won't let you sit in the window seat.

8. Name a place where you see nervous people.
At SeaWorld, in the underwater tunnels where you can view the fish.

9. Name something that can be cherry flavored.
A go-go dancer's leg.

10. Complete this phrase: "I’ll never forget my first _____".
I like to sing a song about my very first beer when I was 17.

11. Name another word for "Dad".
Well, according to Mom, mon chere. But he calls her cara mia, so who knows.

12. Name something a married couple might want to have 2 of.
A robot that sings happy birthday to your annoying best friend.

13. What is the first part of a person’s body to lose the war with gravity?
On some planets, your eyes bulge out until they burst.

14. Name something you see in a jail cell.
A large black man holding a small mouse.

15. Name something you find on a kitchen table.
A cornball maker.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

I traveled forward in time, saw what Britt was posting for today's post, and stole it.

The Rules: Highlight the things you can do and leave the things you can't in normal type.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
I like to walk around and dispense sound bites of advice like a modern day Confucius.

2. Tell if someone is lying.
Is their mouth moving?

3. Take a photo.
Like, steal it from the wall?

4. Score a baseball game.
I don't know why I'd want to do it, but I can.

5. Name a book that matters.
That matters to me? Easy.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
As long as this doesn't mean "know" in the Biblical sense.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
I love a broiled steak.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.
I tend to let others talk.

9. Write a letter.
Yup. Watch. "A".

10. Buy a suit.
Even with my hatred of pants, I've had to buy a decent suit and wear it.

11. Swim three different strokes.
I lettered in high school on the swim team. No, really.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
I think if you're actually showing respect, that's different from being a suck-up.

13. Throw a punch.
I usually miss when I throw, though.

14. Chop down a tree.
I just cut down one in my backyard!

15. Calculate square footage.
Ah, but can you calculate round footage?

16. Tie a bow tie.
It's easy and a pain in the ass at the same time.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.
Doesn't have to be an alcoholic one, does it?

18. Speak a foreign language.
Watashii wa Nihongo o hanashite imasu.

19. Approach a woman man out of his/her league.
Have you seen my wife?

20. Sew a button.
Yes, but that's what servants are for.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.
My French friend and I argue without her running away all of the time.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it.
Since this doesn't make any sense, I'm going to say that yes, I can do it.

23. Be loyal.
To my dying day.

24. Know his/her poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
Does this mean that I'd know what type of drink Amy looks like? Who wrote this shit?

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.
Who can't do this?

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
Years of summer camp rear their ugly head.

27. Play gin with an old guy.
I can play with a young girl, too.

28. Play go fish with a kid.
I like to play it with myself, too.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

30. Feign interest.
Many of my friends are women. I have to in order to survive!

31. Make a bed.
So tight you can bounce a quarter off of it!

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.
I can do that and I don't even drink!

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.
I'm a decent nine-ball player, too.

34. Dress a wound.
I'm better at undressing, though.

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil.
Can you jump-start a car with drama? I should learn that technique.

36. Make three different bets at a craps table.
I read a book on craps before going to Vegas and then was too intimidated to go play.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.
Just click "new deck" on Spider Solitaire.

38. Tell a joke.
This blonde walks into a bar. The brunette ducks.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
Blackjack was less intimidating, but I still read a book on that, too.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.
By speak, you mean flick on the ear, right?

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
And if it's a cute waitress, she doesn't even have to!

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.
She understands "Lick the peanut butter from my taint" very well.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

44. Ask for help.
I know my limitations.

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.
Is this before or after the guy jerks me off?

46. Tell a woman’s dress size.
By looking at the label.

47. Recite one poem from memory.
Oh Captain, My Captain.

48. Remove a stain.
Semen, mostly.

49. Say no.
I have to turn down hundreds of solicitations for sex from female (and male) bloggers all the time.

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
Piece of cake.

51. Build a campfire.
I can even make s'mores.

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.
I am usually the martyr.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
When I'm mad, I'm really mad.

54. Break up a fight.
I usually just offer to sleep with both women.

55. Point to the north at any time.
I have a compass, right?

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
I screwed up that one time when I made that playlist with "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", by the Beatles, "Eat it", by Weird Al, and something by the Fine Young Cannibals. Gave the wrong message.

57. Explain what a light-year is.
That guy from Toy Story.

58. Avoid boredom.
Masturbation is where I am a Viking!

59. Write a thank-you note.
I wrote all of ours for our wedding.

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
I'd burn down Pepsi to show my loyalty for Coca-Cola.

61. Cook bacon.
I looooove bacon.

62. Hold a baby.
You mean by palming the head?

63. Deliver a eulogy.
I can, but I haven't had to. I never want to.

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.
His mom was a right cunt.

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap.
Right-fielder here.

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral.
I used to love throwing a football.

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.
Wait, does reliably mean it actually goes into the basket?

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.
Why does it say "his"?

69. Tie a knot.
I can tie my penis into a bow.

70. Shake hands.
I'm shaking my right one right now.

71. Iron a shirt.
I know how to. Don't want to, but I can.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.
I'm always prepared.

73. Caress a woman’s neck.
I'm good at this.

74. Know some birds.
I'd know an ostrich anywhere.

75. Negotiate a better price.
I'm always willing to get up and walk away.

So now I've learned that I need to learn quantum physics, electrical installation, and work on my jump shot. Other than that, I am indeed pretty much a perfect specimen of humanity. You may all worship me now.