(click me to see larger)

Since I was busy yesterday solving the country's problem of ingrained racism, I neglected several birthdays, so a drawing was in order.

Belated happy birthday wishes to Sybil, BlondeBlogger, and Grant! You're all really fucking old!

Thinking about yesterday's post, I realized that I need to be a superhero.

First of all, I've already got the alliterative name. In the tradition of Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Wally West, John Jones, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lori Lemaris, Scott Summers, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, and Max Mercury, a name like Adam Avitable clearly belongs in the comics.

Secondly, I've already got a whole array of superpowers:
1. I can make a plate of cheeseburgers disappear with super speed.
2. I'm invulnerable to trolls and insults.
3. I totally drive like Batman.
4. I can make the ground shake when I jump up and down.
5. Animals think I'm one of them and allow me to mix freely among them.
6. I can swim faster than a really slow, old turtle with only one flipper.
7. I can run faster than a snail on meth.
8. My toenails can cut through cloth like it's butter.
9. My testicles have hypnotic abilities.
10. I can ejaculate with unerring aim.

I've also got a few weaknesses that my archnemesisesisiesisis can use against me to weaken me or even kill me:
1. Vegetables.
2. A scale.
3. Small food that you have to eat with your hands or that has bones in it.
4. Bad smells.
5. Dirt.

Now all I need are two things.

First, a superhero name. SuperAvitable is too boring.
Second, a phrase to say while fighting crime. Some of the older heroes had really goofy things like "Mighty Zeus!" or "Great Gadzooks!", but I think mine should be a bit more modern.

What are your suggestions for my superhero name and superphrase?

On Friday, Bossy visited Orlando on part of her nationwide road trip. Since I had Saturday and Sunday posts already written, this is the first chance I've had to mention it.

Since I only had a few blurry photos from my iPhone, I've had to rely on my notoriously shaky memory to recall our Friday night get-together. I seem to remember all of the women dancing on the bar, while Karl and I collected tips and cash from all of the catcalling men. I know that we made about $600, and I somehow ended up with 7 pairs of panties. Also, when I woke up the next morning, boy, was my ass sore!

Click me for the large version.

Thanks to the following people for coming!

Angie, from A Whole Lot of Nothing
Jean, from Little Miss Sunshine State
Em, from You Know, Whatever
Karl, from Secondhand Tryptophan
Maggie, from a Livejournal blog that I don't remember the URL for.

If you're in an area where Bossy is going to be visiting, I'd recommend trying to meet her. She's a very dynamic, friendly person who seems like a genuine free spirit, and Amy and I both loved having her as a guest in our home.

When I started blogging, there was one blogger that I looked up to. His posts were always very creative, and he had legions of fans. I carefully examined his style and methods. I marveled at the posts he came up with, and still comes up with, on a regular basis. As I get older and become more seasoned at blogging, I hope to someday surpass this blogger.

I'm talking, of course, about Mr. Fabulous.

However, today is not Mr. Fabulous's birthday. It's Dave's! If you don't read Dave, you're missing out. Every post, whether it's about wiping his butt or just an image, is a treat - he's one of the most creatively skilled people I know. Not only that, but he's the nicest person I know, too. Seriously. One day I asked him if I could skin him and wear him to a costume party, and he handed me his own personal potato/skin peeler to do the job! That's just one small example of his altruism and karmic personality.

For Dave's birthday, I decided to give him the one thing he wants: A marriage to Elizabeth Hurley!

Today, I'd also like to talk quickly about an awesome blogger named Hilly. Most of you already know Hilly's blog very well, and if you don't, get over there and fix that. She's cute and funny and dirty and wonderful. And I really, really, really want to meet her.

I have the chance to meet her when I go to TequilaCon 2008, but there's one problem. At this point of the year, given the shitty economy and costs of flights from Los Angeles to Philly, she might not be able to make it!

This just won't do, people. This boy has to meet HillySue!

So here's my solution, and a chance for you to turn a dollar into fifty! I know that some of you have an extra dollar or five rattling around in your Paypal account. It's not doing you any good there. Why not donate it?

And for everyone who donates and/or puts one of the following buttons in a post (use the code provided) and asks your readers to come here and donate, I'll enter you into a drawing to get a $50 Amazon.com gift certificate! So spending $1, 5, or 10 to help me meet Hilly will give you a chance at $50!

<a href="http://www.avitable.com/2008/03/24/holy-dave-day/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/hillytophillyblue.gif" border="0"></a>

<a href="http://www.avitable.com/2008/03/24/holy-dave-day/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/hillytophillypink.gif" border="0"></a>

The contest ends on April 6th. If instead of donating you own a private plane that you want to loan us, that will work, too. Thanks!

When I started blogging, there was one blogger that I looked up to. His posts were always very creative, and he had legions of fans. I carefully examined his style and methods. I marveled at the posts he came up with, and still comes up with, on a regular basis. As I get older and become more seasoned at blogging, I hope to someday surpass this blogger.

I'm talking, of course, about Dave.

However, today is not Dave's birthday. It's Fab's! Mr. Fabulous turns 184 today, and he and his penis are still going strong. He manages to be one of the nicest guys in the world while also being offensive on an almost cellular level. If you love Jesus, midgets, homeless people, cats, or anything else, watch out!

Here's some artwork in honor of the old man's big day. In order to see all of the detail, you should click on it and view the full-sized image.

Happy birthday, Mr. Fabulous!

Also, don't forget to enter yesterday's contest and win your choice of movies!

Last night, I had the pleasure of meeting Karl from Secondhand Tryptophan and Kevin from Kapgar, along with his lovely wife Katie. We met over at Downtown Disney and headed over to the Raglan Road Irish Pub for a great dinner. Britt was going to join us, but she pulled a groin muscle after her little cheerleading stunt yesterday and needed to plunk her crotch in a bowl of ice. Or maybe her babysitter canceled on her. Either way, it was just the four of us, and we had a great time!

Karl started off the evening by hitting on every waitress (and a few waiters) that walked by. He got 14 different phone numbers! Of course, they all started with "555". Katie smacked me with a wooden spoon that she carried around in her purse and berated me for scarring her husband for life with my Letter to My Body post. Kevin just curled up at the table and rocked back and forth, saying "No cheeseburger no cheeseburger no cheeseburger".

The Guinness flowed like sludge and it wasn't too long before Katie was up on the table, dancing an Irish jig. Kevin joined the little Irish band on stage by playing the jug and singing with an impressive brogue, and Karl convinced one of the waitresses to give him her panties.

I, of course, remained my normal reserved self and quietly ate my steak while everyone else went crazy. By the end of the night, though, we all had new matching tattoos on our butts that spelled out "They're always after me Lucky Charms" when the four of us stood naked cheek to cheek. We also admired Katie's huge tattoo of a devil on a motorcycle punching a nun in the face. You never would have guessed - she seemed so sweet!

After a good meal, lots of liquor, great music, and an excellent time, Kevin and Katie went back to their hotel room for a game of naked Monopoly, Karl left with four Asian women who kept running their fingers through his hair and calling him "Karrrrr", and I picked up a hooker in downtown Orlando that I could smack around for a bit.

All in all, a fun night out. Thanks guys!

The rest of today's entry is about Sunday's contest, with the correct answers and the winner chosen. Click to keep reading.
Read more...