Hey fuckers. I may be dead soon. According to this important email I received that was accidentally marked as SPAM, I am now aware that I have been targeted by terrorists. I thought I'd deconstruct the email for you as my last act before I am exploded. Or donkey punched. Or however it is that I will be dispatched.

from AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS (deadly.killers@yahoo.de)

See, this is how I knew they were serious - their email is "deadly killers"! And since they're so nonchalantly misspelling Al-Qaeda (or Al-Qaida), I know that they don't even care about proper spelling. That's terrorism right there, peeps.

Attn,

I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see we are the members of the deadly networks in the world, which is the responsible for the bombing of twin tower’s in America on Sept. 11th and the bombing of London transport services on the July 7th (AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS), I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

Here's further proof that they mean business. They don't even need to address it to me! They've been paid to kill whomever checks this email address, which means they clearly have hackers working furiously watching my computer and email. I hope they didn't mind that I was doing a Google Image search for "bacon cheeseburger" earlier and found lots of pictures of bacon. Oh, and I went to several porn sites that showed much more than a woman's ankles. And this group was apparently responsible for the bombing of something belonging to the twin towers, but to keep their mystique, they won't even tell me! Twin tower's what? Their shadows? Their blueprints? Their replica in Lego form that you made in your basement?

Someone whom you called your friend told us all about you and how you supporting President George Bush, during the war against our Muslim brothers in Iraq and this person have spent a lot of money in this venture, This person came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name, picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down this including bugging of your phones with satellite tracking devices and they have carried out the necessary investigation we needed for the operation on you, and if you doubt this information am going to give you all the necessary information about you back to you in your next reply so that you can believe me, and my boys are really on you but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is important to you and the one of your family. I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing you this mail my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.

See? They are monitoring me. I knew it! And somehow they know all about my secretive support of George Bush. I mean, I vocalize my disgust of Bush and subsequent support of Obama, but when I'm home alone, I strip naked, put on my Barbara Bush mask and have sex with my George Bush doll while wiping my ass with the Bill of Rights. How did this guy know that? He must have my whole house under surveillance.

And who's this friend who wants me dead? Oh, never mind. I know.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? Since all program has be made and draw to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your Life, $10,000 is all you need to spend in this process you will first of all Pay $7,000 and then I will send a tape to you which I recorded in every discussion I had with the person, who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the Tape, You will pay the remaining balance of $3,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up, while we are doing this, we want to make America, London, Spain, Germany a hell for those that support the President George Bush war against Iraq, our Muslim Country.

Well, here's some good news. All I need to do is pay him some money and he'll send me a tape? Wait a second. He doesn't say anywhere that he's going to let me live, just that if I pay him $10,000, he'll send me a tape of my so-called friend who wants me dead. I'm sure after that, he'll probably just blow me up. Maybe I should write up a little contract to send to him first that will clarify what he's willing to do and avoid doing for the sum of $10,000. Do you think I should remind him that with the exchange rate, $10,000 US is only like 4 Euros?

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW ,REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD!

I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR TELLING THE SECURITY ABOUT IT BECAUSE A GOOD LOOK IS OUT YOU AT MOMENT.

DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF ALL DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION. GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY…………….

Deadly Killers, don't yell! I'm already frightened enough. I don't need to feel like you're pressuring me into making this decision. And is that 7 PM Eastern Standard Time? GMT? What about Daylight Savings? And what if I don't have the money? Will you take Monopoly Money? What about an IOU? An autographed copy of The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie?

THANKS,

AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS

No, no. Thank you for giving me a chance to avert this catastrophe and hopefully avoid death!

Well, it was nice knowing everyone. I'll probably be dead by the time you read this!

(Oh, and if you've been wondering about the results from last week's contest, I plan on giving the contest winners on Sunday when I put up the new contest. I think that's the best way to do that from now on.)

Yesterday I took a well-reasoned, educated look at the candidates for the Republican primary. Today, I take on the Democrats!

Hillary Rodman Clinton, formerly married to basketball legend Dennis Rodman, has stayed out of the public spotlight for almost her entire career. Almost nothing is known about her or her background, and most Americans are unaware of her candidacy. In fact, outside of her former home state of Arkansas, where she was known for being a warm homemaker, raising her large family, and baking cookies for the neighbors while participating in church events, most people assumed by her name that she was related to P-Funk headliner George Clinton.

John Edwards knew from age 6 that he was going to be a plaintiff's lawyer, when he successfully sued his mother for $2.6 million after she made him eat goulash that she had prepared for dinner. From that point forward, he has sued pool companies, hospitals, dogs, corporations, foreign governments and, in one distinguished case, a slice of pizza. His legal career has resulted in verdicts totalling $400 kazillion, of which he has received 1/3, plus his expenses. As a result, he owns most of the state of North Carolina and part of the moon. He's been known to say that if he doesn't win the primary this time, he's got a subpoena for every man, woman, and child in North America.

Mike Gravel is from Alaska and his real name is Maurice.

Dennis O'Kucinich started off life as a leprechaun, but after being caught by a Ohio businessman traveling through Ireland, he relinquished his pot of gold and decided to embark on a career in politics. He went missing for several years and was later found stuck in the butt cheeks of Ted Kennedy. Reflecting on his years in ass-crack hell, O'Kucinich has called for the abolition of all nuclear weapons and all Taco Bells. While his chances in the primaries seem slim, his biggest supporters seem to be the Keebler Elves, the Lollipop Guild, other leprechauns, and people who don't mind someone who waffles on abortion.

Barack "Pork" Obama got his nickname not because he used to be Muslim before he decided to run for President, but because he chooses to call himself "The Other White Meat". He is an excellent public speaker and once managed to speak on important issues for over four hours without actually saying anything substantive or offering any true opinions on any subject. In 2005, he was listed as one of 10 people who could change the world. In 2007, he was listed as one of 10 people who frequently changes his socks. Little known fact - his parents almost named him Barack Satan Obama but decided that they'd go with a more innocuous name.

And now, before my CSPAN career is launched as a political pundit, here are some more of my oh-so important opinions:

By overall appeal (highest to lowest):

1. Obama
2. Edwards
3. Clinton
4. Gravel
5. Kucinich

By number of gay and/or black friends (most to least):

1. Clinton
2. Kucinich
3. Gravel
4. Edwards
5. Obama

After reading about all of the contenders, I'm thinking of doing a write-in campaign for either Kermit the Frog, Superman, or myself.

Now I don't profess to know or care about politics. It just doesn't matter to me. I'm an upper middle class straight married white male - no matter who's in power, I'm going to be just fine. But just for shits and giggles, I've decided to apply my extremely limited knowledge to discuss the candidates for the Republican primaries. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'll take on the Democrats.

First, I think Republicans are the ones who want to censor porn but promote guns, support tobacco but destroy any type of public assistance, and kill anyone who is different than them. Oh, and they pray to Jesus when it suits them. Right?

And Democrats are the ones who want to protect civil liberties while giving our money away to everyone, promote free speech while supporting ridiculous levels of political correctness, legalize marijuana but criminalize tobacco, and kill anyone who is different than them. Oh, and they go to church when they need to skew conservative. Right?

Now that we've straightened that out, let's get started:

For the Republican primaries, let's start with Rudy Jooleyanni. As many of you know, Rudy started out as a small kid in a steel mill town who wasn't allowed to play football because he wasn't big enough. But, in the end, he played for Notre Dame, and now, he won't let anyone forget the fact that he managed to play in the big leagues. He was the mayor of Gotham, but then the Joker got him with his poison, and he ended up on Saturday Night Live in drag. He's been married fourteen thousand times, and he doesn't realize that there are states and people in between New York and Los Angeles.

Next, we have Mike Huckleberry. Huckleberry is a good old Arkansas boy who used to get in lots of trouble with Tom Sawyer and almost got hisself kilt by Injun Joe. He found Jesus and has a fake law degree that was honorarily given by his no-name school. Since, as a boy, he got into trouble all the time, he used his power as governor to let a convicted rapist go. All he asked was that the rapist wear a "Vote Huckabee" pin and gave bumper stickers to his future victims. He is extremely popular among comedians who can't wait to rhyme his name with "Fuck a Bee".

The third candidate is Dunkin' Donuts Hunter. His nickname came from the fact that his eyes always looks glazed over, and his face has the consistency of a cruller. When Hunter was a boy, he had a tree house and he painted a sign that said "No Gurls Allowed". Girls kept coming to visit, though, so he erected a security fence around his house and had guard dogs patrol it to make sure that no illegal girls entered his property. Hunter is not related to the creator of the Hunter Jet, but he is second cousins with Hunter from television, played by Fred Dryer.

Number four is Alan Keyes, again. He's a black Republican.

Johnny McCain was originally the inspiration for the Rambo films. He is almost 100 years old now, but he routinely goes walking in bad areas of Phoenix and beats up gang members who try to rob him. Several years ago, some of his friends decided that they wanted to let people give them money, then they would promise interest on that money, but in reality, they were just going to take it all and use it to buy hookers and coke. And islands. Johnny was lucky to escape any real problems from this scandal, and now he has tried to take on all cliches that come to politics, from porkbarrelling to carpetbagging to pagesucking. At night, he lays in bed and dreams of actually being a Democrat so that he could marry John Stewart.

RuPaul, our sixth candidate, is a Republican from the good old days when Republican meant something. He has wisely used the Internet to garner support. Using viral marketing campaigns to drum up name recognition, Paul has slowly edged out "Subservient Chicken" and "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" as the top Google keywords for the last quarter of 2007. Paul is a doctor and has been fist deep in more vaginas than Bill Clinton. He is a strict Constitutionalist (aka a constructionist), but mainly because he was alive when it was originally drafted. Fun Ron Paul fact: He actually delivered Thomas Jefferson's black girlfriend's child!

"Mitt Romney" is German for "With Noodles". He is a Mormon candidate who has 3 wives scattered throughout Utah. Each of his wives has three husbands, and each husband has three more wives, and so on and so on, which means that he is actually related to 99% of the Utah population, guaranteeing his win for that state. On his property in Utah, he has a fence that he likes to sit on. He's managed to stay in good shape by hopping this fence as appropriate, landing on one side after another very agilely.

Fred Thompson wishes that politics was like his role as the District Attorney on Law and Order. Why can't he just show up a few minutes at a time, say a few pithy things, and then go back to his trailer to have sex with his wife who is 75 years younger than he is?

And that's my well-researched, educated, in-depth political analysis. I think maybe I should go into this for a career and get a half hour on CSPAN where I can talk loudly and belittle people while sharing my opinion as if it matters! Oh yeah, and since my opinion matters, here is my ranking of the candidates:

By overall appeal (highest to lowest):

1. Paul
2. McCain
3. Giuliani
4. Thompson
5. Hunter
6. Huckabee
7. Romney
8. Keyes

By penis size (largest to smallest):

1. Thompson
2. Keyes
3. Paul
4. McCain
5. Romney
6. Hunter
7. Huckabee
8. Giuliani