Things Bush is probably thinking:

“Fuck.”

“Fuuuuuck.”

“Maybe it’s some other tall Ayrab on dialysis.”

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

“I’m totally claiming partial credit for this in my memoirs.”

“I wonder if I should send the condolences bouquet to his parents’ palace or to that secret bunker address that Dick has.”

“Laura, I’m putting it in your butt tonight! You promised that if we actually killed Osama, I could!”

Things Palin is probably thinking:

“Someone killed the President?”

You can go to CNN for boring old election results, like who won what race and what obnoxious Republican beat which obnoxious Democrat and how we’re all going to get teabagged and have to like it. But Avitable.com is the only place where you’ll read about some of the more obscure amendments and ballot measures that were proposed across the country yesterday.

In Florida, Amendment 5 requires the use of fairness, equal population, and pre-existing geographical boundaries to create legislative voting districts instead of the original methods of drawing the lines along Team Jacob v. Team Edward boundaries using a combination of guesswork, witchcraft, and a sophisticated dart game. This Amendment passed with almost 62% of the vote. Exit polls showed that most voters who voted against it were older Democrats who saw the word “fairness” and immediately thought it had something to do with Fox News.

In Washington, Amendment SJR 8225 proposed redefining the word “interest” in order to recalculate the state’s debt. In the proposed amendment, the word interest would no longer mean “a fee paid on borrowed assets”. Instead, it would refer to “the amount of care or concern in something”, as in “The State of Washington has no interest in its debt being larger than XX dollars.” This Amendment passed with 53% of the voters voting yes and 47% of the voters showing interest in maintaining the definition of interest.

In South Dakota, Amendment K protects the right to secret ballots in federal, state, and union representation elections. The alternative would be public ballots, where the entire South Dakota population would gather in a location big enough to seat all 1,400 of them, and a chosen proctor would go down a list of citizens one by one and ask them to announce their votes by microphone. This Amendment has passed with 75% of the South Dakota citizens who voted choosing yes and one voter just saying no to be arbitrary.

In New Jersey, the Open Space Bond Issue proposes using $400 MM to preserve open space, farmland, and historic areas.  ”Open space” has been defined as junkyards, trash heaps, and perpetually unfinished construction sites.  ”Farmland” has been defined as anywhere that might be useful to bury bodies, and “Historic areas” have been defined as anywhere that serves good pasta.  This issue passed with 52% of the New Jersey voters voting yes and the other 48% mysteriously disappearing in the middle of the night.

In Oklahoma, SQ 744 supports the funding of public education to the same per-pupil average as neighboring states.  Currently, the state of Oklahoma is required to spend $42 per year for each student, and this contrasts with the $1,500 per year for each student that is the average in every other state except for Louisiana, Alabama, and Rhode Island.  Although this measure would improve the education levels of Oklahoman children significantly, it was defeated with 80% voting no. Exit polls recorded voters saying that “We ain’t need none of this eddycashin money for no schoolin’.”

In Louisiana, Act 539 proposes that any salary increases for elected officials, as enacted by those elected officials, only go into effect in subsequent terms of office instead of immediately or retroactively.  While this act did pass with 73% of the vote, giving some safeguards to the legislature approving raises for themselves, voters neglected to reject the “Free Car for Legislators every Three Months Amendment” and the “Daily $2,000 Coffee Stipend for Legislators Proposal.”

In Maine, Question 2 proposes an increase to access to dental care and education for Maine citizens.  With only one dentist and school in the entire state, the average number of teeth per citizen has dwindled to three, which is about how high the average citizen can count.  It passed with 57% of the voters thinking they were coloring in circles for fun.

It’s really fucking weird what random shit comes to you when you’re taking a shower. With apologies to Walt Whitman.

O Bama my Bama! The painful part is done;
The country’s weathered pain galore, the tasks before us aren’t fun;
Our peace is near, yet crisis is here, our people all infighting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the journey uninviting:
But O heart! Heart! Heart!
O the country’s heart bleeds red,
Where in our House respect now lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Bama! My Bama! Now is the time to push;
Don’t stop–even though you rid us all of the backwards bush;
For you the road is hard and long- for you the polls a-dropping;
For your head they call, the ignorant mass, racism not stopping;
Obama! Dear leader!
The weight is on your head;
Keep the dream alive and well,
Not fallen cold and dead.

Our country does not become one, our parties hold the power;
The right hand hates the left hand, and the middle just cowers;
United we’d be safe and sound, our voyage closed and done;
No fearful tricks from hateful groups could defeat us as one;
Stop hate, O Dems, and Love, O Reps!
But I fear, with growing brow,
That in the future our country lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Most of you have already seen this, I’m sure, but for those of you who haven’t, it’s awesome. I love seeing all these actors get together to play different Presidents. And Chevy Chase and Dana Carvey in one room? Comedy awesomeness, in my opinion. Thanks to Faiqa for pointing it out to me!

If you’ve been paying attention to the news at all, you might have seen the conflict between Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Apparently, Sarah Palin demanded that President Obama fire his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, after it was reported that Emanuel said “fucking retarded” in a private meeting. She considered any version of the use of the word “retard” to be disrespectful.

Separately, Rush Limbaugh grew frustrated with protests around Emanuel’s use of “retard”, saying “our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.”

Now, you see, we have the bloated, drug addicted face and voice of the Republican Party butting heads with Alaska’s biggest disaster since the Exxon Valdez crash. How will those Republicans who follow Fox News blindly know who to listen to? Should they go rogue or hope Obama fails? Which is it? This could break the Republican Party in half!

Luckily, Sarah Palin had a solution. I’ve obtained an exclusive look at the email she wrote to Rush to try to defuse the entire situation.

“Dear Rush,

I think we can both agree that it is in the best interest of this great country of ours to come to an agreement. I do have a problem with the word “retard”, but I suggest as a compromise that the word “tard” is more acceptable because it has fewer letters. It also has a bit of a cutesy tone to it, and Toddy says that I do well with cutesy.

So if you would be willing to redirect your anger about people protesting Emanuel’s statement, I won’t worry about my little tard having his feelings hurt. This is for the greater good, remember, and no matter what, we have to compromise whatever principles we have to make sure that nigger doesn’t get another term.

Love and winks,
Sarah.”

In other Avita-news, today is the 38th birthday of my good friend and Geekette Supreme, Heather! She doesn’t look a day over 25, especially when she’s in uniform. Happy birthday, Heather!

My grandfather is a good person. I’ve never seen him do harm to another soul, look down on anyone else, or do anything negative in his entire life. I like my grandfather a great deal, and it’s hard to reconcile the funny, easygoing man I’ve known all my life with the same person who forwards this type of shit to me by email. It fosters hatred and ignorance and is fearmongering bullshit. I wish I could understand why he thinks this is okay, or why he thinks that this is smart, or good, or even a Christian thing to do. I’ve pasted his latest forward below, with my comments in bold*. I’ve gone ahead and fixed the numerous grammatical issues out of courtesy:

CAN MUSLIMS BE GOOD AMERICANS?

(This is certainly ‘food-for-thought’.. What do you think?)

This is very interesting and we all need to read it from start to finish. And send it on to everyone. Maybe this is why our American Muslims are so quiet and not speaking out about any atrocities.

Can a good Muslim be a good American?

This question was forwarded to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years.

Oh, well, since he worked there for 20 years, he’s obviously an expert. Or just an idiot with a construction job.

The following is his reply:

Theologically – no.. . .
Because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon god of Arabia.

Muslims worship the same God as Jews and Christians. And doesn’t the second commandment prohibit no other god? That sounds like allegiance to me.

Religiously – no. . .
Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah Except Islam (Qur’an, 2:256)(Koran)

The line quoted translates to say, explicitly: “Let there be no compulsion in religion.” That sounds like the complete opposite. And, once again, the second commandment of the Bible seems to imply that Christians also can’t religiously be good Americans.

Scripturally – no. . .
Because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.

Not all Muslims follow the five pillars. In addition, they only say, in an extremely summarized translation, “1. No God except for God with Muhammed as his messenger, 2. Pray to God 5 times a day if you can, 3. Give alms to the poor, 4. Fast from dawn to dusk for a month, 5. Make one pilgrimage to visit Mecca.“. Maybe I’m just really dense, but I can’t see how this could be a barrier to being American in any way.

Geographically – no…
Because his allegiance is to Mecca , to which he turns in prayer five times a day.

Is this like a Catholic’s allegiance to the Pope and the Vatican? Or a Jew’s allegiance to Israel? In other words, bullshit.

Socially – no. . .
Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.

No, the Qur’an says that Muslims should avoid being friends with treacherous unbelievers. The fact that someone isn’t Muslim does not make them de facto treacherous.

Politically – no. . .
Because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America , The great Satan.

This is just fear-mongering at its finest. The Qur’an doesn’t require anyone to submit to a mullah, which is in many ways the same thing as a rabbi.

Domestically – no…
Because he is instructed to marry four Women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34)

Let me just throw a few Bible verses your way:

“Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says.” (1 Corinthians 14:34)

“If any man takes a wife, and goes in on her, and detests her, and charges her with shameful conduct, and brings a bad name on her, and says, ‘I took this woman, and when I came to her I found she was not a virgin…” (Deuteronomy 22:13,14)

“But if … evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones…” (Deuteronomy 22:20,21)

“Slaves are to be submissive to their masters in everything, and to be well-pleasing, not talking back .” (Titus 2:9)

I think this makes my point. If we were to take every Bible verse literally, how many women would have been stoned to death shortly after they were married?

Intellectually – no…
Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.

Hm. Muslims believe the Bible to be flawed. But since the Constitution makes absolutely no mention of God or the Bible anywhere, it’s a moot point.

Philosophically – no…
Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran does not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.

See above (Qur’an 2:256) – saying there can be no compulsion in religion sounds awfully similar to freedom of religion and thought. The latter statement about every Muslim government being either dictatorial or autocratic is just factually incorrect. Turkey is an example of a Muslim democracy. Many Muslim-dominated countries are also democratic.

Spiritually – no….
Because when we declare ‘one nation under God,’ the Christian’s God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in the Quran’s 99 excellent names.

Another completely incorrect statement. While the Qur’an may not refer to God as the “heavenly father” (And why the fuck does that matter at all?), words like “forgiving”, “kind”, “loving” “merciful” are attributed to Allah throughout the Qur’an.

Therefore, after much study and deliberation…. Perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country. – - – They obviously cannot be both ‘good’ Muslims and good Americans. Call it what you wish, it’s still the truth. You had better believe it. The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future.

Maybe we should be suspicious of ALL CHRISTIANS! I mean, if they’re going to show allegiance to God and a Bible and stone women who aren’t virgins and keep slaves and tithe and require baptism, surely that’s completely anti-American, isn’t it? I mean, you obviously can’t be a good Christian and a good American!

The religious war is bigger than we know or understand. ….

No, the concept of religious freedom is obviously too confusing for you to understand.

Footnote: The Muslims have said they will destroy us from within.

So maybe they’re the ones who are sending out these propagandizing emails. It’s all part of their strategy to create this foundation of fear and hatred and distrust so that we destroy each other.

Debunking this took about 15 minutes of time and a spoonful of common sense. And it frustrates me to no end to think that my grandfather thinks that this is reality. That he should be suspicious of someone because they’re different. And I wish I could show him how ignorant and wrong that really is.

Papa, if you’re reading this, I love you and I’m sorry, but UNSUBSCRIBE.

Sarah Palin, the great white vaginal hope for many women who celebrate good looks and winking over intelligence and ability, was criticized yesterday for being spotted wearing a hat upon which the name of Senator John McCain had been blacked out. It was viewed by many as an attack on the ex-presidential candidate, even though Palin said that it was just her attempt to be incognito. (Because obviously, buying a different hat would have been very difficult.)

Critics, however, point to a few other actions she’s taken that appear to be an attack on the American political system, the Republican party, and more specifically, John McCain:

• The ownership of Twitter account @JohnMcCainSucks has been traced back to her IP address.
• Recently supported a ban on the existence of AARP magazines anywhere on federal government property.
• Started a movement to have the “donkey punch” renamed the “elephant punch”.
• Keeps mailing McCain tourist brochures from the real Hanoi Hilton.
• Asked Russia if they’d let her shoot wolves from a helicopter if she changed nationalities and took Alaska with her.
• Switched out McCain’s Metamucil with high intensity horse laxative.
• Ninjas.
• Switched out his Medic Alert bracelet with a DNR one.
• Her car’s bumper sticker says “I BRAKE FOR NADER”.
• Faces Mecca five times a day and prays.
• Said yes when McCain asked her to run for VP.

Everybody have a great weekend!

As you’ve probably heard, Representative Joe Wilson made an ass of himself by yelling “You lie!” as President Obama spoke about health care to a nationally televised joint session of Congress. His completely unprofessional immature outburst has embarrassed the Republicans greatly, causing many of them to denounce Wilson’s actions publicly. The more publicity-savvy Republicans, however, have found a way to capitalize on Wilson’s poor behavior by hiring him out for a variety of venues:

• McDonald’s has hired him as a night manager where he directs the employees with a hearty “You. Fry!”
• A busy New York Deli hired him to transmit orders from the counter to the butcher, and you can hear his enthusiastic “Two rye!” over the crowd very easily.
• Terminix and Orkin are sharing Wilson to assist with their pest extermination efforts, as they’ve found his “Shoo fly!” to be particularly effective.
• Wilson also teaches a basic journalism course at Kent State School of Journalism, although his curriculum tends to focus more heavily on “Who! Why?” and less on “What? How? When?” and “Where?”
• A small province in China has pooled its resources to invite Wilson back to instruct their students in math after his aggressive “Chu. Pi!” worked such wonders.
• As an early warning system for pinkeye in a school district in South Dakota, Wilson’s grating “Poo eye!” has proven to have reduced outbreaks by 25%.
• Wilson has had amazing luck in teaching canines how to speak English using a very simple “Woof! Hi!” pattern repetition.
• A small Aryan group in his home state of South Carolina has hired Wilson to speak at rallies, expecting only a simple “Jew die!” that will rally their organization.
• A New Zealand slaughterhouse is contracting for his services in their sheep harvesting, as his “Ewe! Die!” is cheaper and more efficient than the sluicing machine.
• The Men’s Wearhouse has retained him as a salesperson once he demonstrated how many sales he received with his simple “New tie!” technique.

And today’s obnoxious Halloween tidbit:

Tickets for this year’s Halloween party are now available for sale! Quantities are limited, but if you’re planning on attending on October 24th, go over to the Halloween site to buy your admission ticket now!