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Swine flu's still around?

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

I originally wrote this six months ago when I assumed that the mass hysteria from a strain of the flu (that is just like other strains except new) would die down within a month or so. With some of the ridiculous hyperbole being spewed and overreactions of parents and media alike, I thought I'd repost it for your education:

Swine flu hysteria is sweeping the nation. It's the new SARS. And as usual, people are overreacting without properly understanding the risks, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. So, in order to help stem the flow of retarded panic, inform yourself (taken mostly from the CDC website):

Q: Why is it called "Swine Flu"?

A: Swine Flu (aka Swine Influenza) is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses that causes regular outbreaks in pigs. While there is rarely transmission between pig to person, this can happen in several rare situations, typically when there is contact between the human mouth and pig mouth, human mouth and pig genitalia, human genitalia and pig anus, and human mouth and pig anus. It is unknown at this time why the virus has started transmitting from person-to-person when past infection was limited and unsustainable beyond three people.

Q: Can I get swine flu from eating or preparing pork?

A: No, with a small exception. IF the pork product is particularly fresh and IF the product contains any pork anus, such as in a hot dog or sausage, the CDC recommends avoiding these products or cooking in boiling water for a minimum of 12 minutes to rid the chance of infection.

Q: Is the swine flu virus contagious?

A: Yes, the swine flu is contagious and is spreading from human to human without mouth to mouth, mouth to anus, or mouth to genitalia contact. At this point, it is not known how easily the virus spreads between people, but the CDC has provided the following list of activities that they recommend ceasing until the threat is over: kissing, blood drinking, fellatio, cunnilingus, anilingus, snowballing, golden showers, cleveland steamers, pearl necklaces, and sexual intercourse, both vaginal and anal.

Q: How does an infected person infect someone else?

A: Infected people may be able to infect others beginning 1 day before symptoms develop and up to 7 or more days after becoming sick. That means that you may be able to pass on the flu to someone else before you know you are sick, as well as while you are sick. This does not mean, however, that if you think you're sick, you should tell people that you have the swine flu. That will only cause panic and later, mocking.

Q: How long can an infected person spread swine flu to others?

A: People with swine influenza virus infection should be considered potentially contagious as long as they are symptomatic and possible for up to 7 days following illness onset. Children, especially younger children, might potentially be contagious for longer periods. It is suggested to prepare a clean room of your household, where you can keep the infected victim at all times. Your only contact with this person should be to feed them through an available opening, such as a cracked window or a dumbwaiter. Avoid all physical contact and even verbal contact if at all possible.

Q: What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?

A: The symptoms of swine flu in people are identical to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu. In the past, death has also been reported as the most serious sign of swine flu, although deaths that are unrelated to flu-like illnesses, such as motor vehicle accidents, decapitations, murder-suicides, trampling, or overdoses, should not be considered to be a symptom of swine flu.

Q: What should I do to keep from getting the flu?

A: First and most important: wash your hands. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, and eat nutritious food. Try not touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. Avoid close contact with people who are sick. In addition, activities that increase your endorphins may make you more susceptible, so driving at high speeds, masturbating or other sexual activity, and running or jogging are all considered high-risk.

Q: Are there medicines to treat swine flu?

A: Yes. CDC recommends the use of oseltamivir or zanamivir for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with these swine influenza viruses. If you are unable to gain access to these or similar antiviral drugs, there are some homemade remedies that may also offer some remedial treatment and/or prevention. Eating raw bacon that has been highly salted can introduce antibodies into your system that can fight infection. Additionally, using a 2:3 mixture of Gatorade and laundry detergent, along with one cup of water per gallon of mixture, you can create a poutine to apply to your face, which will enter your airwaves and disinfect your system.

Q: What should I do if I get sick with swine flu?

A: If you live in areas where swine influenza cases have been identified and become ill with influenza-like symptoms, including fever, body aches, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, or vomiting, diarrhea or death, you may want to contact your health care provider, particularly if you are worried about your symptoms. You should stay home and avoid contact with as many other people as possible. If people continue to approach you, it may be a good idea to use a weapon of some kind, such a shotgun, to dissuade them from entering your premises. Fire only if you are fully convinced that they will come up to you, touch you, and become infected with swine flu.

Q: How serious is swine flu infection?

A: In pigs, swine flu is always fatal. First the pigs will bleed from the eyes, mouth, and other orifices. Next, they will become weak and unable to stand. Finally, the pigs' lungs will collapse and they will die painfully. In humans, swine flu can vary in severity from mild to severe. If you begin bleeding from any orifice, please call 911 immediately, as death is likely imminent within hours if treatment is not sought immediately.

Don't be a pig! Swine flu doesn't have to get you too!

Tags: comedy, h1n1, humor, hysteria, parody, satire, swine flu
Posted in satire | 27 Comments »

Gang Rape: Looking deeper

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

By now, almost all of you have heard of that horrific gang rape of the fifteen-year old girl in California (of course, is there any such thing as a non-horrific gang rape? I mean, is there a nice gang rape or a friendly gang rape?). Reports say that as many as 20 people looked on without interfering, calling 911, or coming to her assistance. Everyone seems to be calling for the heads of the witnesses to this modern day Kitty Genovese situation. But has anyone stopped to listen and find out why these witnesses didn't do anything?

I polled ten of the witnesses in an effort to understand why they didn't step in and stop this atrocity and got ten valid reasons, which I will share with you now:

"I thought I was watching a filming of the new horror movie – "Saw VII: The Rapening"." – Michelin E. Maroon, 17

"I was told by my parents and church that when it comes to sex, abstinence is the only way to go, so I abstained." – Uptitia Schitt, 15

"I did absolutely tell someone. I used my iPhone to send out a tweet about it but only four people follow me, so I updated my Facebook about it, but I think all of my friends hide my status updates because I usually talk about every TV show I watch instead. Did you expect me to actually use my phone to call someone? Like with my voice?" – Schut Inn, 14

"For 36 hours straight before it happened, I was playing Grand Theft Auto and had beaten so many hookers to death that I didn't realize this was real life." – Waysta Breff, 13

"I really thought the Pussy Troll was going to come out and save her. I guess Clerks II wasn't telling the truth about sex?" – Nye Eve, 14

"My parents said never to get involved in any way with anything that happens because I could get sued and they'd lose the house." – White Dood, 17

"I, like, totally dialed 911 and told them that some chick was like totally getting raped and the bitch on the other line tried to tell me like that I had totally dialed 411 and I was like big diff and she was like what's up bitch and so I hung up on her. Totally." – Brussels Marriott, 15

"I know her and she has an Obama sticker on her car. My dad says that anyone who would vote for that Muslim nigger hates America and wants us to become a Communist country by taking away our guns and giving all of our money to people who don't deserve it, so I wasn't about to do shit." – Cleetus Trash, 19

"Turns out I'm a sociopath. Dexter's my hero." – Norm Alguy, 16

"Oh, gang RAPE? I thought it was a gang CAKE! No wonder I didn't get a piece with icing!" – Dee Sensitiza, 19

Tags: atrocity, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, gang rape, horror, humor, parody, satire
Posted in satire | 175 Comments »

Other ways the FTC should crack down on bloggers

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

On Monday, the FTC announced that bloggers must disclose any payments that they receive from companies for reviewing their products. This isn't a law, but it's the federal government's official interpretation of the law, which means that bloggers who fail to disclose could open themselves up to lawsuits after December 1st.

Some people are upset about this opinion. They see it as a slippery slope and think that the FTC is overstepping its bounds. I, however, think the FTC hasn't gone far enough! Here are some new regulations that I'd like to see also being enacted as of December 1st:

Anyone who reads a blog or online article that allows comments must comment using information that can be easily and clearly traced back to them, even if it's a pseudonym that is tied to them. Commenting with a fake name or completely anonymously can result in fines of up to $10,000 per occurrence and a judicial order prohibiting computer use for up to 10 years.
No blogger may post a photo that they've taken without keeping a signed release on file of all people who appear within. Photos that contain trademarked images, such as logos, may only be posted if the blogger obtains a release from said trademark holder.
Surveys and memes that require in-depth personal information are suspect and prohibited unless the blogger has documented proof that (a) said survey or meme was created by the blogger in question; and (b) no answer on said survey or meme can be used for the potential theft of identity of the blogger answering said survey. A blogger who has his or her identity stolen has no legal recourse if it is discovered that he or she filled out and published any survey or meme within the last four years.
All links within the content of a blog post must have appropriate disclosures with regards to the material agreement between the linkee and the linker. If no such material agreement exists and the blogger was linking to a location as a courtesy, this must also be disclosed.
A blogger is held completely responsible for all content on his or her site, even content published by a third party in the form of an advertisement or a comment. Each blogger must keep a clearly posted comment policy that must be seen and agreed to, via a checkbox or other means, before a commenter can leave a comment. If an objectionable comment is published, the blogger has 24 hours to remove the offending comment and ban the IP address of said commenter.
Trademarked words are no longer allowed for use in any content created by a blogger unless said blogger has permission on file to post said trademarked language. This includes words such as "Kleenex", "Q-tip", "Dooce" (or variations such as "dooced"), "Tweet", "Twitter", "Follow", "Skype", and "Blogger".
Any site that uses profanity or contains nudity must implement procedures to prevent such site from being visited by those aged 13 or under. For every use of profanity or nudity, a fine of no less than $10,000 per violation will be imposed if a minor is exposed to objectionable content.
Other objectionable content that is deemed dangerous to minors is improper grammar. Bloggers must ensure that, at all times, they use "your" and "you're", "it's" and "its", and "they're", "there" and "their" properly. This is not a conclusive list, but use of any phrases that are grammatically incorrect can damage the education of minors, and unless procedures are implemented to prevent minors from seeing such damaging content, fines may be assessed.
All content that can be considered disparaging, insulting, belittling, or otherwise defaming, even if it's true, must be accompanied with a release from the object of said content. For example, a rant about your spouse must be accompanied by a release signed by your spouse that he or she has approved the content you have created. Failure to include such release may result in criminal penalties.
Any and all discussion of medical terminology, including diagnoses, examinations, treatments, not limited to physical ailments but also mental health, is now prohibited. Violation will result in prosecution of practicing medicine without a license.
The concept of truth in advertising has been extended to blogging as well. Any blogger found to be participating in bait and switch tactics will be subject to heavy fines. For example, if you have a post titled "Wordless Wednesday" and there are material words in your post, this would be considered deceptive blogging. Creating hysteria and anger by writing fake posts about federal agencies giving draconian opinions about blogging would also be considered deceptive blogging.

This is your chance to write to your Congressperson or Senator about these FTC opinions and make your voice heard. Show the FTC that you want more regulations and a much stricter blogging experience!

You can write to the FTC at the following address:

Federal Trade Commission
Consumer Response Center
600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20580

You can also call and voice your displeasure at their lax attitude by dialing 1-877-FTC-HELP (1-877-382-4357).

Viva el revolucion!

Tags: blogging, disclosure, federal government, ftc, humor, parody, satire
Posted in satire | 44 Comments »

Avitter: The anti-social network #izeafest

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

After spending a weekend at IZEAfest listening to people talk about social networking and their expertise in said arena, I have decided that I need to be at the forefront of a new trend. I want to be the pioneer of anti-social networking.

I will call this new network "Avitter", and here's how it would work:

1. Create a profile. There are no fields for your name or your URL or your personal information. Instead, you fill in your favorite quotes, snarky views on life, and showcase why you're better than all of those people with whom you don't want to be friends.

2. Don't follow anyone. It's not worth it, because people are stupid.

3. If someone wants to follow you, they have to demonstrate that they really, really, really want it. First, they request to follow you through the site. They will then be provided with a unique 128 digit hexadecimal series that will be their private pin. Next, they will be required to fill out a 10-page application, including a short essay, the subject of which would be "Why I Want To Be Your Friend". After you review their application, if you determine that they may be worthwhile to permit, an in-person interview will be scheduled, and a deep background check will be ordered. Finally, after you've approved them, they have to input their pin every time they try to view your profile, your posts, reply to you, or even if they think of you.

4. Now that you have your anti-social network in place, all you have to do is create content! For the best Avitter experience, talk about people you hate, look down your nose on things that you are incapable of doing, and roll your eyes at people for taking actions that you've never tried before.

After these four simple steps, you'll be all set. Before too long, you'll be an expert on anti-social networking! Bigger and bigger advertisers will shun you, more and more PR reps will never email you, and the largest online magazines will never ask you to write for them. As you sit back in your dank, darkened room, with the glow of your monitor giving your face an evil, sickly glow, you can sit back and relax, knowing that you've conquered the anti-social networking game!

Tags: comedy, facebook, humor, izea, izeafest, myspace, social networking, social networking expert, twitter, youtube
Posted in satire | 24 Comments »

Edna Prygyz – Project 2,996: Remembering 9/11

Friday, September 11th, 2009

Edna Prygyz was born in 1908 and was survived by nine children, fourteen grandchildren, nineteen great-grandchildren, and one great-great-granddaughter.

She was horribly afraid of flying and it was likely that her death was painless, because she self-medicated heavily using a concoction of Valium, Thorazine, and Scotch, which typically resulted in Edna's unconsciousness throughout her entire flight. It is foreseeable that she slept through the hijacking and the resulting crash.

Edna was traveling to San Francisco to visit her 88-year old boyfriend, Walter Flehm. According to the video of her funeral that I found on her gay grandson Kervin's blog, Walter truly loved Edna and she was the best thing to happen to him after his wife Dot passed away in 1994. Unfortunately, from what I can tell, Walter was the only one who loved her. Here's a quote from Kervin's blog from September 11, 2006: "Today is the fifth anniversary of Nana's death, and I will be celebrating once again by getting drunk on Hypnotiq and then going home and fucking Armando. Fuck you, Nana."

It seems like Edna was a twisted, dark woman who delighted in mentally and emotionally torturing her children and her entire extended family. I was able to find stories that ranged from running over the dog that dug up her garden to trying to burn a tattoo off of one of her great-granddaughters with an iron. Kervin's blog is replete with stories of her bitterness, bigotry, and pure unadulterated hatred.

In trying to write something about Edna so that people can remember her, I'm reminded of the adage that if you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. There's also "Don't speak ill of the dead". But, really? I mean, by all accounts, this was a vile, vicious harridan who has never been anything other than spiteful and miserable her entire life.

From the video of her funeral, it was obvious how disliked she was. The media outnumbered the actual guests 2:1, and even the officiant seemed to have difficulty thinking of neutral wording to talk about how universally disliked Edna Prygyz really was.

September 11th, 2001, may have had a lot of tragedy, but I think it's safe to say that we should all be glad that Muslim extremists flew Edna into the World Trade Center that fateful morning. For once, the world was better off without such a dark soul. I hope you rot in hell, Edna Prygyz.

Tags: 9/11, comedy, dark humor, edna prygyz, project 2996, remembrance, satire, september 11
Posted in satire | 152 Comments »

A Danger to our Children: Presidential Address to Students

Monday, September 7th, 2009

On Tuesday, September 8th, at 12 PM EST, President Barack Obama will address our nation's students. Controversy has arisen over the President's audacity in scheduling this Presidential Address. "I ain't let a black man talk to mah kids since 2005 when the mailman delivered a certified letter saying we wuz being foreclosed on. He was a nigra, and look what happened. We done lost our house!" complains Debra Whitetrashia of Jonesboro, Arkansas. Her very rational complaint is being echoed by equally even-tempered, logical conservative families nationwide.

Concerned with the unknown and arbitrary message that our duly elected President could transmit to these children, Julie Lichtinass of Memphis, Tennessee, states, "I was watching the news one day with my sons Eli and Jonah when the reporter, a nice Oriental girl, interviewed witnesses to an accident. Before anyone could do anything, one of the witnesses used a vile swear word that neither of my children had ever heard before. They started asking me questions about the word and its associations and it was very uncomfortable. I don't think it should be allowed for just anybody to make a video that my children have to watch in their school. It's not American!"

Worry not, my brothers and sisters in the Resistance against Socialism and black people. At great risk to myself and my family, I have acquired the content of President Obama's address to our students, and to those of you who have decided that your child will stay home on Tuesday, I applaud you. By keeping your child from their education and delaying their learning by a day, you, madam or sir, are a true American hero.

PRESIDENTIAL "BACK TO SCHOOL" ADDRESS FOR STUDENTS:

Hi there kids! I'm President Barack Obama, but you can call me Barry. Or the One. Whatever works for you.

Anyways, I'm here today to talk to you about going back to school. I'm a huge proponent of our education system. In fact, without my degrees from Columbia and Harvard, I wouldn't be here at all, no matter how much bribing was done by the secret Muslim factions who support me and my inevitable destruction of America from within.

Attending school might sometimes seem boring or unnecessary, but if you're going to succeed in life, it can be a huge boon. Each of you has it in you to achieve greatness, unless you're a Caucasian in the middle class or higher – you have too much of an advantage, so I'm doing everything I can to oppress your rights, take away your money, destroy your investments, turn your children into homosexuals, and send you into abject poverty.

The rest of you, though? Your untapped potential is tremendous, and you should trust in your teachers to help you start to achieve that potential. Although, if you have any science teachers who don't understand what scientific theory is and teach creationism instead of evolution, please report them to the local police and we will have them reassigned, after a little re-education.

With the right education, you might become a lawyer. Who knows, your first big case could be a groundbreaking case where a man can marry the sheep he loves! Or you could become a doctor, where you could make as much as $10.50 per hour aborting babies under my new health care plan! No matter what career path you choose, rest assured that you will be supporting my amoral Socialist regime that will destroy the very fabric of the Christian faith while removing all vestiges of capitalism from this once great country of yours.

Look, let me be honest. In the end, it really doesn't matter if you go to school. If you do well and graduate and get additional education, I'll just set salary limits that won't let you get paid what you deserve. If you don't do well and drop out and get a dead end job or just do drugs, I'll provide you with so much public assistance that you'll make more money and live a more fulfilling life than those who got a degree. And if you're here illegally? No tienes aprender Ingles! That is the American dream, and as a Democrat, it's the dream that I'm blood sworn to protect. No really – it's a real blood oath. We have wiccans in our party who can really fuck your shit up.

Thank you, and God bless the Great White Satan America.

Tags: barack obama, capitalism, comedy, democrats, exaggeration, humor, parody, president, president obama, presidential address, republicans, sarcasm, satire, socialism
Posted in satire | 71 Comments »

Headlines: The Rush Limbaugh Effect

Friday, September 4th, 2009

rush-limbaugh-sucks-up-good When I try to come up with posts for each day, I will usually spend some time on CNN or other news sites and see if any articles catch my eye. Tonight, there wasn't shit going on, so I decided to head over to Rush Limbaugh's website and see if there was anything amusing that might inspire me.

Nothing jumped out at me as being anything particularly entertaining – it was frustrating to see how he has turned fearmongering into an art and hypocrisy into a science. (Not that the fundamentalist leftist commentators are any better, but Rush is the best spoken out of all of them.)

I thought it might be interesting to put on Rush's thrice-divorced OxyContin-addicted glasses and see how he talks about family values and condemns people who are addicted without his head exploding. Let's see how Rush would rewrite these innocuous headlines that I've pulled from CNN.com: