Of course, this video makes no sense unless you’ve seen the original video, by Jonah Mowry, a young teen who is struggling with being gay and getting bullied at school:

Or, if you want to see the two of them side by side, use the YouTube Doubler!

Jonah Mowry, a gay teen, is terrified of returning to school shares his concerns and opens his heart on YouTube. His video is touching and pulls at the heartstrings of anyone who’s ever had to deal with bullying. I’ll even admit that his video made me get a little teary-eyed as I watched it.

So, then, why would I make a parody of it? Because there are no sacred cows. Life, religion, sex, love, death – it’s important to take them apart so that we don’t let anything have too much power over us. Using humor to discuss or showcase anything is not the same as saying I don’t care about a subject.

I’m not gay, Jonah, and the bullying I experienced in 8th grade was limited and over very quickly. However, I knew that terror and I knew that fear, and I commend you for posting about it in such a stark, honest way. The fact that I made the effort to create this parody only shows that the message was powerful and good enough that I needed to take it apart, because, as a wise person once told me, funny trumps all.

On the first day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
A free Casey Anthony!

On the second day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the third day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the fourth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the fifth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the sixth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the seventh day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Seven Republicans floundering,
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the eighth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Eight occupiers maced,
Seven Republicans floundering,
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the ninth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Nine percent unemployment,
Eight occupiers maced,
Seven Republicans floundering,
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the tenth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Ten bullied teens,
Nine percent unemployment,
Eight occupiers maced,
Seven Republicans floundering,
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Eleven Black Friday riots,
Ten bullied teens,
Nine percent unemployment,
Eight occupiers maced,
Seven Republicans floundering,
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
The whole world sent to me
Twelve months of Adam,
Eleven Black Friday riots,
Ten bullied teens,
Nine percent unemployment,
Eight occupiers maced,
Seven Republicans floundering,
Six Klout scores falling,
Five disaster zones,
Four shitty sequels,
Three Kardashian TV specials,
Two dead despots,
And a free Casey Anthony!

Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa-dee doo
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you
Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa-da dee
If you are wise, you will listen to me

Who do you blame when your man is a creep?
Touching and leering at the kids in his keep.
Saving the boys is the only real task
All you had to do . . was . . . ask
The molester and his protector!
Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa-dee don,
If you were decent, he would have been gone
You would lived in happiness, too
Not in Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa, Joe-Pa doo doo!

Every day I write over 30,000 words, which makes me a de facto expert author. Granted, most of those words are in emails, blog posts, comments, tweets, and instant message conversations, but nitpicking is for children and people who are not expert authors.

I am besieged by requests for tutelage. Aspiring authors contact me almost hourly searching for tips and tricks to being me. As much as it has pained me, I have had to ignore their pleas, until now.

In seven simple steps, I have encompassed all there is to know about writing.  If you can do each step successfully, yet you’re still not an expert author capable of using phrases like “de facto” properly, you should probably become a teacher instead.

1.  Use words.  Years of research have resulted in findings that while readers do like to look at pictures, you will never amount to being anything more than a cartoonist if you don’t use actual words.

2. Wear glasses.  It may surprise you to discover that not only do glasses make you look and feel smarter, they make others around you act less intelligently which makes you smarter in comparison.  And intelligence is directly correlated to proper word usage and better writing.

Not only am I smarter than you, but I'm more condescending, too, thanks to my glasses.

3. Avoid unnecessary words.  Don’t use extra words to pad your content when fewer words will still convey your meaning.  There are plenty of superfluous words and phrases like “regardless”, “very”, “in all honesty”, “pretty much”, “apparently”, “actually”, “literally”, “just saying”,  and “at the end of the day”, to name a few.  Also, “the”.  It’s completely unnecessary and you should refrain from using “the” if at all possible, just like I have throughout this entire post.  And for a real challenge, try to write without using vowels. T’s hrdr thn t lks.

4. Punctuation is essential.  Would you rather help your uncle, Jack, off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse?  If Jesus makes a sarcastic joke, would you rather say “Nice, asshole Jesus” or “Nice asshole, Jesus”?  Proper punctuation is key.  Without it, there would be chaos. CHAOS.

5. Blame your audience.  If you’ve created a rich tapestry of verbiage with deep symbolism and themes of justice and true love, but nobody gets it?  It’s not your fault. Take every opportunity to blame your audience for not getting your message rather than making efforts to self-edit.

6. Increase your vocabulary.  It’s important and not douchey at all to have a broad-reaching and rich vocabulary.  Why say when you can elucidate? Don’t shout at someone, ejaculate loudly!  Once you’ve written your first draft, your next step should be to sit down with a thesaurus and change 95% of your words into their more obscure, multi-syllabic counterparts.  And if you can’t find a suitable replacement, make one up!  Your readers will find that to be quite fangrubioutastic.

7. Listen to input from specific sources.  You may think that input and feedback are useful, but don’t let yourself get side-tracked by listening to inappropriate people.  Your editor, your best friend, your successful author pal – don’t send them a single word.  Give your writing to your work’s elderly black janitor.  He’s sure to have some wise advice for you.  That homeless person who plays an old violin every day? His input will be worth its weight in gold. A psychic that you called after seeing one of those TV ads?  Perfect!

And that’s all it takes. My words should become your Bible. Memorize them, live by them, eat, sleep, and drink them. Before too long, you will be just as successful as I.

I was reading this article about Nintendo and how they got their start making naked lady playing cards and owning love hotels (basically a Japanese hotel where you can get a room by the hour), and thought it was funny how Nintendo’s modern reputation is one of wholesome entertainment, shying away from sex and censoring violence at every turn. It got me thinking about other companies that try to maintain wholesome facades but have histories steeped in corruption, moral decay, and depravity. I did some research, and you’re going to be shocked at what I found!

Chick-fil-A, a company known for its Christian values, even mandating that all restaurants close on Sundays so that families can worship together, wasn’t always so squeaky clean.  In fact, when the original incarnation of the restaurant was opened in Hapeville, GA, in 1946, under the name “The Dwarf Grill”, the slogan was not, as pictured above “We Didn’t Invent The Chicken, Just The Chicken Sandwich”.  It was “We Didn’t Invent The Chicken, But Here’s Some Fried Chicken For White People Only”.

Walmart, a behemoth of a company that is famous for offering censored music, and promoting family values, also hides a dark past.  The original Wal-mart in Rogers, Arkansas, was actually a front for the sale and distribution of massive amounts of marijuana.  In fact, the smiley face logo of Walmart finds its origins in “Razorback Lush”, the popular brand of weed available in that area at the time and well-known for being adorned with a giant yellow smiley face sticker.

Everyone knows that the original formula for Coca-Cola contained trace amounts of cocaine, but very few people realize that the mouths of all the original glass bottles were coated with a light layer of LSD and that the sharp edges of the bottle caps would inject heroin directly into your body when grazed against your skin.

While it would be logical to assume that the logo for Gerber is a baby because it has been manufacturing baby food and baby products for almost 90 years, the dark reality behind this company’s origin is that the founder just really liked to fuck babies.

Hoooo-eeee, I’ll tell you what.

The best thing about living this close to Daytona Beach is that I get to be right close to the Birthplace of Speed and the home of the Daytona 500.

There ain’t nothing on God’s green earth that’s better than sitting with a group of my people, the cream of the crop, real Americans, watching real men driving bad-ass cars around in circles for hours on end.

This ain’t no sissified sport, like tennis or soccer.  NASCAR is where red-blooded Americans thrive, no matter if they’re in peak physical condition.  Isn’t this the real American dream?  One where any man, even if he’s out of shape and reliving his glory days from high school, can drive around in circles until he gets sponsorships by Budweiser and Doritos?

And if you’re lucky?  If you happen to be at that once in a lifetime race, and you happen to be paying strict attention to the cars as they drive their 400th lap, you may just see the best, most glorious part of stock-car racing.  If you’re lucky, there may be a horrible accident, with tires flying and smoke and fire and maybe, somebody will even die.

What could be better?  Yeehaw!

You may be aware that Justin Bieber is the center of some controversy recently. The 16-year old singer was interviewed by Rolling Stone magazine, and when asked his opinion about abortion, he said, “I really don’t believe in abortion.  It’s like killing a baby?”  And when asked about abortion in the case of a rape victim, he said, “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

While I think that anyone who’s mad at a teenager for having an uninformed opinion about a serious issue is seriously misguided, and the journalist who thought this was appropriate material for an interview is an idiot, I changed my mind after I read the rest of the interview, where Vanessa Grigoriadis and Justin Bieber delved a little deeper into other social issues.  I’ve pasted the remainder of the interview for you to see for yourself:

Vanessa: Justin, I want to delve a little deeper into your social conscience.  Is that okay?

Justin: Huh?  Yeah, sure.

Vanessa: Okay, so tell me, what do you think about Mubarak’s resignation as President in Egypt?

Justin: I don’t know, man, like, I think that he must have been doing something right after 30 years, so why not cut him some slack?

Vanessa: Do you have an opinion on apartheid?

Justin: Sometimes I just have to tell my dancers to get in line, because they’re never going to be anything other than dancers.  And if they say “Never Say Never” to me, I fire them. People have to know their place, yanno?

Vanessa: And your thoughts on the Muslim American man here in the United States who was convicted of decapitating his ex-wife in what some call an “honor killing”?

Justin: Cool – it’s like Mortal Kombat!

Vanessa: Blood diamonds?

Justin: Just use Oxiclean from that TV commercial.  Gets the blood right off.

Vanessa: The holocaust?

Justin: Holla-what?

Vanessa: The war in Iraq?

Justin: I do rock, thank you.

Vanessa: Teen pregnancy?

Justin: That’s what abortion’s for.

Vanessa: Wait- what?

Justin: DISAPPARATE!

Vanessa: Justin, umm, I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you, but Harry Potter’s not real.

Justin: Yes he is!  Next you’ll be telling me that Santa isn’t real, either!

Vanessa: I don’t know if we should explore that.  Let’s talk about your thoughts on High Fructose Corn Syrup instead.

And that’s when Justin’s publicist stepped in and stopped the interview.

Klout is a site that uses hoodoo, weather patterns, and random calculations to assign you a score based on your ability as a user of Twitter. Yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds and encourages people to come up with ways to get a high score without understanding why they should even bother. Hint: They shouldn’t. It fosters an attitude that there is a “right” way to use Twitter and has absolutely zero effect on real life.

So you don’t have to waste your time getting your score, here’s my Klout score:

By Amy Chua (original horrifying content can be found here)

Lot of people want know why Chinese parents do such good job raising children.  Stupid white people wonder “Why my kid not math whiz or music prodigy?”  It not difficult to answer.  Stupid white people let their children do stupid white things.  Here some things my kids never allowed to do:

• Sleep over at stupid white friend’s house
• Play with stupid white kids
• Perform in play written by dead white people
• Watch television, except for Fox News
• Get any grades less than A, especially not F or G.  Do they have G?  I don’t know because my kid NOT ALLOWED!

When I talk about Chinese parent, I don’t mean just Chinese.  I pretty much mean anything but white.  Or black, because they lazy.  Chinese parents produce children who make parents proud.  They always successful, except for girls who disappoint us for not being boys.  Nice thing about being Chinese parent is that if kid not successful, it ancient Chinese secret to ignore that child and pretend she (it never he) is no longer part of family!

My friends who stupid white parents think that being strict means making children practice instruments for thirty minutes.  Thirty minutes!  That nothing.  My children must practice for three hours minimum while I whip them with coathanger.  Now that discipline.

What my stupid white friends not understand is that nothing is fun unless you expert at it.  You cannot be expert at something unless you practice many, many hours and work so hard until hands bleed.  Then, fun!

Sometimes children do not want to study or work hard because apparently they not like fun at all.  Chinese parent call children “garbage” or “terrible human being” in order to motivate and shame.  Motivate and shame mean same thing in Chinese.  If I tell my fat bitch daughter “Hey fatty, lose weight” it because I am motivating her to do better and shaming her because she big fat embarrassment to family.  Win win.

Here are three major differences I notice between Chinese parent and stupid white parent:

1.  Stupid white parent care about self-esteem.  So stupid! Self esteem for weak people – Chinese parent assume child has strength and beat down strength with insult and belittling.

2.  Chinese parent know that child owe parent everything.  In fact, Chinese daughter better be happy that she not killed in womb or after birth! Chinese child know that for rest of parent’s life, child must care for parent. And Chinese parent live long time!

3.  Chinese parent know what best for child.  Remember, child stupid!  Child not aware that child needs feet to be bound painfully until fit in tiny shoe or have clitoris removed to avoid any sexual pleasure.  Chinese parent always know best.

In conclusion, only way that stupid white children ever going to succeed in life is not by being child or playing or having fun.  Only by working and being berated and insulted and forced to meet high expectations of parent can any stupid white child measure up to the worst Chinese child.  And no matter what, my kid better than your kid.

Having lived in Florida since I was three years old, I have been through plenty of hurricanes with nary a scratch, and it’s all thanks to the handy list of tips on how to survive a hurricane:

Always keep water around. Since there is always a chance that the water table may become contaminated during a hurricane, it’s important to keep drinking water available.  If you don’t have enough drinking water, any clear liquid will suffice, such as Sprite, vodka, or gin.  If you drink enough clear liquids, you can fool your body into thinking that it’s hydrated and you’ll be fine.

Get your important papers together.  With a hurricane, there is a high chance that your house will be utterly destroyed and all of its contents will be strewn across several square miles.  By keeping your passport, insurance papers, treasured photos, and pornography in one location, there will be less risk that your neighbors will find out that you like to watch Nigerian midgets fuck each other in the face.

Take photos of your property. Insurance companies are more likely to expedite payment under any claims of damage if they have photos for comparison and proof.  If you don’t feel like cleaning your house and finding all of your jewelry, I recommend looking through the newspapers for an open house in the most expensive part of town. Bring your camera and take copious photos, and in case of damage, you have all the proof that you need.  Be sure to open the closets and jewelry boxes and take photos of everything!

Be aware that traveling with your pet may be difficult. After a hurricane and the resulting destruction, hotel rooms will fill up quickly, and the establishments with vacancies may not be pet friendly.  If there is a threat of an impending hurricane in your area, your best option is to bring your pet out to the backyard onto a tarp and shoot it in the head, then wrap it and bury it.

Don’t expect the power to be on quickly.  While utility companies will work as hard as they can to restore power, downed power lines and blown transformers can result in weeks without power.  In addition to stocking up on batteries for flashlights and radios, you should also prepare for a lawless society where the only rule is kill or be killed.  I recommend taking all of your money out of the bank and using it to buy bullets, gasoline, and maybe some type of face paint.

Stay inside. It may seem obvious, but when the wind is blowing and the rain is pouring down, while the trees are bent sideways to the ground, stay the fuck inside.  However, once the rain clears and the clouds dissipate during the middle of the hurricane, this is called the “eye” and it’s completely safe to get in your car and drive around to see the damage.  You should bring your children and elderly people with you as well so they can see the beauty of the eye of the hurricane.