Category archives

-image-Stagnant

 

Sometimes I feel like this blog has been treading water.

I don't mean slow days. Everyone has days where they don't feel like posting, and the smart ones just don't post those days. Then there is an idiot like me who has a self-imposed requirement to post every day, which means there are days where I'm very lazy or busy or something else and don't post shit.

I mean just generally stagnant. Part of me feels like the funny posts are falling a bit flat and the other posts are just plain boring. I'm behind on choosing winners for my contests and shipping prizes out, too, which is just a symptom of how I've been feeling about the blog.

The other day, I heard through the grapevine that someone visited my site, saw the Hitler picture, didn't quite get it, saw that I had something horrifying posted, and moved on. Months later, they came back and after a bit of effort, finally realized that maybe I was posting something that was worth reading. And while I've scaled back considerably on the shock value posts, mainly because I'm less interested in them now, I start to wonder about my header picture. Am I wrong about that being intrinsically funny?

I want a first-time visitor to see the picture, say "What the hell? That's weird/funny/horrible/twisted," and then continue to read. I don't want them to click away as quickly as possible. Maybe it's time to change out the Hitler picture, or offer options? A SFW and a NSFW header image? I'm not sure yet, but I'm thinking about some type of change.

I'm a strong believer in striving for something better, and I need to make this blog better. Some people blog for themselves. I don't. I blog because I like the interaction, the relationships, the friendships, and the exposure to different people and ideas.

I've got a few concepts in the works, in addition to the forthcoming Halloween party announcement, and I just want to start getting them in process so that I can feel like me and this blog are moving forwards, not slowly drowning in this brackish water.

On a completely different note (and tone), last night's radio show seemed to go pretty well! We had a lot of listeners in the chatroom and I'm sure some others who listened via streaming radio, and thanks to all the participants. Next Wednesday we'll have a new topic, and if you have any suggestions, let me know!

If you missed the show, here are your options:

1. Listen to it streaming below or go to our show page on Talkshoe and listen to it there.
2. Download it here.
3. Find us on iTunes. We should be up there in the next day or so.

Thanks again!


posted by Avitable Thursday, July 10, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (79)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , ,

-image-In Memoriam

 

New York City's Watchdog, we remember.


posted by Avitable Saturday, June 21, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (27)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , , , ,

-image-My Dear John Letter

 

Dear Happy Madison Productions,

This will be the hardest letter I've ever written. I have wrestled with this for a long time, but recent events have finally given me the strength to move on with my life. I may have loved you at some point, or maybe I just let my love of "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison" blind me to who you really were, but I just know that I don't love you anymore. Our relationship is over.

I know the first thing you'll be thinking is that it's because of your friends. And that's true to a small degree. I mean, I do like David Spade and Chris Rock, most of the time. But it's your insistence on bringing Rob Schneider everywhere with you that really soured me. I mean, just because I loved you, I was willing to suffer through "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo". I even tried to watch "The Animal" and "The Hot Chick", although I'll admit that I couldn't even gather up the strength to sit through "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo". In the earlier stages of our relationship, it was cute when Rob would pop up and make a short, funny joke - I'll admit that I laughed. But I grew up, and he hasn't. And by continuing to thrust him into the spotlight, you've shown that you haven't either.

Rob's just one small part of our issues, though. The main reason is you. You started out full of promise and hopes and dreams and you've just slowly gotten lazy and sloppy and the way you've let yourself go is getting to me. I don't even want to be seen with you! Sure, "Little Nicky" had some shortfalls, but it was a good effort, and I still loved it even though it wasn't perfect. And when you followed that up with "Joe Dirt", which I loved, I was impressed and believed in your dreams. "Mr. Deeds" was solid, but mediocre. I still supported you, though - remember when I told everyone I loved it and couldn't wait until your next one? But then that bit me in the ass. I mean, "Anger Management"? How did you manage to fuck up anything with Jack Nicholson in it?

It was at that point that I thought I might be falling out of love with you. I was considering taking a break - you could go do some serious films and I would check out what Woody Allen was doing, but then you semi-redeemed yourself by being romantic (like you used to be with "The Wedding Singer"), and "50 First Dates" was enough of a reason to erase my doubts. For a little while, though.

Since then, though, it's just been a downward spiral. I'll admit that I'm somewhat at fault, here. I listened to my head instead of my heart and lied to you when I said that I liked "The Benchwarmers", "Click", and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry." But I didn't. I didn't even watch them!

The last straw, however, was today's embarrassment. I walked in on "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" and saw you with *sob* a horrible premise! And bad acting! And not a single joke for two whole hours! And I sat there and didn't laugh and wanted to cry and realized that I couldn't even tap into my deepest emotions to wring out one drop of love for you anymore.

I'm sorry to do this by letter, but last time I talked to you on the phone you roped me into a thirty-minute conversation about whether or not shampoo or conditioner was better. I just can't play these games with you anymore. We're through.

Love,

Me

P.S. There's someone new in my life - Apatow Productions - so please be happy for me.


posted by Avitable Tuesday, June 17, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (75)
filed under Serious stuff, Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , ,

-image-Things I hate about your blog

 

The definition of "your" that should be applied is one that applies to the blogosphere as a whole.

1. You have some type of video or music that plays automatically when I visit.
2. You haven't tested your blog in Firefox to make sure it's legible.
3. It's hard to comment because you're on Livejournal or AOL.
4. Your posts only show a few words and then I have to click to read the rest, every single time.
5. I can't subscribe to comments or your comment feed.
6. You have too many options when I'm trying to leave a comment.
7. You don't have comments open.
8. Every post is an apology about why you don't post enough, and then you don't post again for two weeks.
9. You use so many cutesy names for everyone that I have no fucking clue who's who.
10. You don't link to people when you use something of theirs.
11. Your ads obstruct your blog.
12. Your post is all one big jumbled mess in the feed reader.
13. You moderate comments.
14. You censor or edit comments.
15. You change blogs every three months.
16. Every other post is a Pay Per Post.
17. You don't try to use any type of spell check.
18. Most of your posts are private and password protected.
19. The colors make my eyes bleed.
20. Your posts are longer than most novels.

What do you hate about people's blogs?


posted by Avitable Tuesday, June 3, 2008 @ 1:00 am comments (118)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , , , ,

-image-Survey says

 

I don't know what it is about this weekend, but my brain don't think too good. I saw this survey over at Steve's blog and decided to steal it. And I'm actually going to answer it seriously for once! I thought it had different questions than the typical tripe, so maybe it will make for less than shitty reading:

Who are you?
A selfish, hairy, sarcastic gorilla.

What's your Philosophy?
Love your friends and family unconditionally and despise everyone else equally.

First thoughts in the morning...
Today is going to kick ass.

Your current mood is...?
Cynical.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years...
Full-time millionaire blogger.

Your thoughts on ....

Life-
Some people deserve it. Some don't.

Love-
I love and fall in love with many things very easily.

Success-
I tie success very heavily into professional and financial freedom.

Happiness-
I'm always happy.

Death-
I have too many things to do first.

Fear-
I want the ability to instill fear in people easily.

Abortion
I don't believe I have the right to say anything - I am not a woman.

Why poverty exists?
I have very close friends and family members who are examples of people who pulled themselves out of a poverty-stricken environment, but for some people, it seems to be self-perpetuating.

The U.N-
I wish they had more power.

Wars- (by wars I mean wars in general)-
Although I understand their occasional necessity, I would never fight in one. I cannot understand believing in some random, intangible idea with such blind devotion that you'd trust in our military to keep you alive.

Suicide-
Suicide is selfish and lazy.

What is your favorite...

Author-
Stephen King - the Dark Tower series is an amazing opus.

Book-
IT, by Stephen King

Music Lyric-
Anything from "Piano Man", by Billy Joel
(Or from the Piano Man parody Fab sang about me!)

Quote about life–
Morality is not respectability. -George Bernard Shaw

Curse Word-
You stupid fuck.

Movie-
Grosse Pointe Blank

Movie quote-
"Hey, Biff. Get your damn hands off of her."

Final Random Thoughts.....

What would be the best job in the world?
For me? Owning a successful comic shop/cafe/movie theater.

And the worst job would be?
Anything in a corporate environment.

What is your biggest accomplishment to date?
My business.

What do you wish to accomplish in the next 5 years?
I want to grow my business until it is sold for a good value.

If you die tomorrow...

Who will speak at your funeral?
I wouldn't want one.

What would you like your eulogy to say?
"His milkshake brought everyone to the yard."

How would you hope to leave this world?
With advance notice.

Would you tell anyone you were going to die?
Only my wife and my best friend.

If you wrote a final letter to be read at your funeral what would it say...
I can't tell you. I'm writing my "death post", so I'd like it to be a surprise just in case.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates...what would God say to you?
"Hahaha, you've been punked. Bye now."

And finally..Your famous last words?
"What does this button do?"

What is a quick way to start a conversation?
Usually I just talk about the party in my pants.

And a quick way to end one??
Usually I just talk about the party in my pants.

Last words?
I'm exhausted.


posted by Avitable Monday, June 2, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (44)
filed under Memes and more, Serious stuff tagged , , ,

-image-My Dad

 

I think I'm very lucky to be an adult male who does not have an adversarial relationship with my father. It seems like there are many men in their 20s and 30s who feel at odds with their fathers for a variety of reasons, and I've never been in that situation. Sure, there was that period during my senior year of high school when I was 16-17 and a total asshole, but that's just part of adolescence. Other than that brief period of my life, it's been pretty smooth sailing.

While I know that I am very strongly my mother's child - I have her brain, her ability to manipulate, her sense of humor, her worldview - my father made some extremely valuable contributions. I've learned to be stubborn when necessary, to fight for what's right, to work hard, and to try to do things that I don't know if I can do. But most importantly, I can thank him for setting an amazing example when it comes to treating women with respect and love, and for demonstrating the power of a fierce sense of loyalty and devotion.

I usually wouldn't write a post like this for a family member's birthday, but I know that my dad reads my blog sometimes. He's never told me that he does, and I know that he finds it offensive and horrifying and horrible and unnecessary, but he still reads it as his way of keeping up on my life. And that small action speaks volumes.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Daddio
No, he's not blind. Just cool.


posted by Avitable Monday, May 26, 2008 @ 12:45 am comments (58)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , ,

-image-Nigger

 

"Adam, you wouldn't seriously want a black guy to be our President, would you?"

That's an actual quote from one of my uncles a few weeks ago. The thing is, I didn't grow up in an explicitly racist household. My parents had an interracial couple as some of their best friends, and my mother worked quite closely with plenty of black employees, both at her level and below her on the chain of command. But there was an undercurrent of prejudice that was constant and unwavering.

I never heard the word "nigger" from my parents. I was, however, told to be careful when driving in bad neighborhoods because "they" like to drive into you in a beat-up car and then sue the insurance company. "They" was never explained, but merely understood.

My first girlfriend, Vickie, had olive skin that I thought was gorgeous. Over at my friend Randy's house, showing her picture to his grandfather proudly, I was mortified when he and his son started mocking me for dating a "sand nigger". I didn't even know what that was, but I knew it wasn't something nice.

As a teen, I spent my summers and vacations working for a business owned by family members other than my parents. It was there that I heard "nigger" bandied about regularly, even from relatives who worked closely with many black friends. "You can't trust them." "You have to watch them like a hawk or they'll rip you off." "They're lazy and will do the work half-assed if you're not careful." I was taught these "lessons", along with phrases like "nigger-rig" and "nigger rich".

Yet, with all of this subtle and overt prejudice affecting my perspective, education, and growth, I still managed to be objective and come to my own conclusions. I'll never forget Nicole, with her great smile and gorgeous chocolate skin, holding hands as we walked down the beach that summer. And Angela, with that beautiful curly hair and intoxicating laugh. And friends who were African and Indian and Asian and Filipino and black and Jewish and Hispanic and the only thing that mattered to me was whether or not we got along.

I'm not writing this post to pat myself on the back - yay me for not being racist! No, my goal is to give a bit of hope. My parents' generation grew up with the civil rights movement. They had to change their perspective on race and prejudice during their formative years. I can't blame them for being affected by their environment and upbringing just as I was affected. However, I, and my generation, and the generation after mine, and even the one before mine, grew up with an integrated society. And maybe, just maybe, it's possible for us to become increasingly color-blind, even if raised in a color-aware environment.

If Obama gets this nomination, and I'm sure that he will, I hope that there are enough of us out there - generations of young adults who grew up in an integrated society and know that racism doesn't even make sense. I hope that we are legion enough to make a difference in November. To show my uncle and those like him that yes, we seriously want a black guy to be our President, because we want a "smart" guy to be our President, and it doesn't actually matter if he's black, white, yellow, brown, or not even a guy at all.


posted by Avitable Thursday, May 15, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (126)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , , , , , , ,

-image-Censored

 

Saw this at Shelli's and Jasmine's and decided to do it here:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say or That I Should Say to Certain People:

  1. Grow up and start acting your age. Figure out what you want with your life and stop relying on everyone as a crutch. It's pathetic.
  2. You're ugly on the inside and that's why people don't like you.
  3. I wish I could have taken down the story of your life before you died. I'm sorry I wasn't there during your last few days.
  4. I can't believe that you hid your smoking from me for that many years. You should be ashamed of yourself.
  5. In some small way, I blame you for what happened. And I resent your refusal to accept my help.
  6. You're such a sheep that you couldn't even understand it if I drew a picture. Your stereotypes and ridiculous assertions make you look like a jackass.
  7. I want you to laugh more and stop getting so angry.
  8. I'm really hurt by your decision to embrace someone who was so hateful to me and the ones I love.
  9. For years, I've dreamed of thousands of ways that I could destroy you for what you did. Someday I will put those plans into action.
  10. You're a pathetic little gossip and I know the things you've said in private. You're hateful and spiteful and I feel bad for your husband because of the way you make him follow you around like one of those dogs that you had sex with as a kid.

Just a disclaimer - if you're reading this, it's not about you.


posted by Avitable Friday, February 15, 2008 @ 12:00 am comments (67)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , , , ,

-image-Bullies are cowards

 

I'm choosing to post this series of emails between the abusive husband of a blogger I know and myself. After he beat her, I paid for her to go stay in a hotel room for a night and encouraged her to get counseling, get an attorney, and get free. Unfortunately, she's accepted his apology again and again, and it kills me to see that she's forgiven him. That was about a month ago.

Read more...


posted by Avitable Wednesday, November 21, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (104)
filed under Serious stuff tagged ,

-image-Tomorrow will be better.

 

12:00 AM: Break my computer
12:01 AM - 3:29 AM: Fuck with the computer until I'm sure it's good and broken. Laugh maniacally and cry at the same time.
3:30 AM - 7:00 AM: Sleep fitfully and dream of being anally raped by a cackling pentium processor.
7:01 AM - 10:00 AM: Order new parts to be overnighted to me and set up a new computer to work in the meantime. Try to work between bursting into tears randomly.
10:01 AM - 11:00 AM: Go to the barber and relax for an hour while getting a shave and a haircut.
11:01 AM - 11:15 AM: Pick up lunch at Burger King. The sandwich was soggy, the fries were cold, and they forgot my straw. Tears commence again.
11:16 AM - 1:00 PM: Try to remember all of my user names and passwords so that I could work and look at porn. Curse the world for laptops, with tiny screens and no desktop real estate for all of the windows I need open. Bawl openly.
1:00 PM: Britt gets a sale. The day seems to get a bit better.
1:01 PM - 2:00 PM: A herd of water buffalo smash through the house, destroying my lightsaber collection. Day gets worse.
2:01 PM - 2:45 PM: We go and get ice cream. An Oreo Blaster from Coldstone Creamery freezes the horrible day a bit.
2:46 PM - 4:00 PM: Try to recoup the day. Lose three fingers to the garbage disposal while trying to recover a piece of Oreo.
4:01 PM - 5:30 PM: Take a nap. Dream of a motherboard made of Oreo kicking me in the head while laughing.
5:31 PM: Wake up from my nap when Britt jumps on my crotch.
5:32 PM - 7:00 PM: Curl up in the corner and eat cold pizza while sobbing. Ninjas kidnap my dog and take my ear as partial payment.
7:00 PM - 12:00 AM: Drink a bottle of Southern Comfort and streak the Homecoming Dance at the local high school. Get four phone numbers from senior girls and one from a senior guy. End up with the guy somehow.

On another note, why don't any of you send me cookies or some type of delicious food? I thought I had some loving readers, but I guess not*. My address is 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL, 32701.

Not that I expect them. I'm just disappointed that I haven't gotten flooded with baked goodies. Especially with the holidays coming up!

I like chocolate.

*Back a while ago, I got some awesome stuff from Mr. Fabulous and Poppy, but it's been a long time.


posted by Avitable Wednesday, November 14, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (52)
filed under Serious stuff tagged , , ,