Category Archives: Sociopathic Media

To beard or not to beard: My Beard Adventures experience

“You should let your beard grow out,” she cupped my chin with one of her hands. For almost ten years, I’d kept my beard maintained with weekly trips to my neighborhood barber shop. In my head, there were two options: a close trim or looking homeless. It never occurred to me that there was another way.

I turned my head on my pillow to face her. “You think so? Don’t you think it would look disheveled and awful?”

She dragged her naked leg slowly up my body and pulled me closer to her. Along her journey, she discovered, not-so-subtly, that I might be ready for round two. “I think it would look sexy,” she whispered in my ear, and the might bes turned into definitelys.

So, I grew my beard out. Didn’t take long. Now it’s been over a year.

The full beard of comedian Adam Heath Avitable

It’s a fine line, however, between looking like a boy who doesn’t know how to use a razor and a man who’s breaking in the wild horse on his face. My barber visits each week became focused on shaping and edging instead of trimming. Keep the neck clean, keep the head clean, tame the sides, let nature do what she will with the front. The wiry hairs were coarse, and I worried about the pain it might inflict on the women who would deem me worthy of their time. I worried about chafing their cheeks, scraping their thighs, breaking their hearts.

That’s when I learned about the world of beard care. Beard oils and treatments. Products designed purely for softening and taming. Smelling nice and feeling good. Things every man can get behind.

Preferring to support local business as much as I can, I reached out to a company based out of Orlando called Beard Adventures. They provided me with a set of three beard oils to try for free: Lumberjack, Outback, and Black Pepper. I chose those three out of a bevy of beard care scents including spiced rum, bourbon, whiskey smash, mojito, black coffee, and more. I went home, and each day, after a hot shower, I’d choose one and rub the oil thoroughly throughout this monstrosity that has taken over my face, taming it down.

Set of beard oils from beard care company Beard Adventure

I’d travel to my daily haunts – my local restaurants, my local strip clubs, my local comedy club – supporting my local vendors, servers, and single mothers. I’d approach my friends. And strangers, because I felt emboldened.

“Smell my beard,” I’d say. Some were equally bold, planting their nose firmly in and inhaling deeply. Others required convincing. “It’s not a trick, I just want your opinion.” Some still weren’t convinced. “I’ll give you a dollar.” The last resort always worked.

And the responses were unanimous:

“Wow, that smells sexy.”
“I like that!”
“Where did you get that from?”
“Can I smell you again?”
“Amazing!”
“Now do you want a lap dance?”

Beard care can turn you from a sweaty neckbearded child into a sultry badass with a dark past. From an unhygienic nerdblaster to the savvy king of the geeks. From Hagrid to Gandalf. And I wholeheartedly recommend Beard Adventures for all of your beard care needs. And in fact, if you or a loved one has a beard that needs some tender loving care, how about an opportunity to win a free set of three beard oils with beard comb?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review, and I received the products for free from Beard Adventures. I also got three lap dances, but they were free, mostly because my beard smelled so fucking awesome.

I Have A Friend…

I have a friend who is darker than I am.
I have a friend who lights up the black.
I have a friend who cries at night.
I have a friend who laughs all day.
I have a friend who grabs the world with both hands.
I have a friend who loves harder than anyone.
I have a friend who sees things differently.
I have a friend who shares visions with the world.
I have a friend who makes me laugh until I cry.
I have a friend who will do great things.
I have a friend who’s doing them now.
I have a friend who kisses like an angel.
I have a friend who keeps demons at bay.
I have a friend who builds thick walls.
I have a friend who is like a wrecking ball.
I have a friend who is almost there.
I have a friend who went there and came back.
I have a friend who inspires me.
I have a friend who comes to me for advice.
I have a friend who keeps me strong.
I have a friend whose strength is untapped.
I have a friend who makes me weak in the knees.
I have a friend who I trust with my life.
I have a friend who I trust to take lives.
I have a friend who left me behind.
I have a friend who waits at the corner.
I have a friend who tells me all the secrets.
I have a friend who knows all of mine.
I have a lot of friends. Thank you for being one of them.

friends


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

Enter your email address:

 

The 2015 Avitable Christmas Card Exchange Extragavanza Holidaypalooza Event Thingy

Last year,  I sent out Christmas cards to 420 people in ten different countries and forty-one different states, all with hand-written messages of love and boners.

This year, let’s double that number! If you’ve never gotten a Christmas card from me, here are six of them sent over the last 11 years, getting increasingly more awesome the less married I was, obviously:

“But Avitable,” you ask as you stroke my beard, “will this card make my husband/wife/chid/grandmother/priest/schizophrenic aunt angry or offended?”

Nope! Just as in the past years, this year’s card will be family appropriate for all families!* All you have to do is fill out the form below and submit your name and address, and you’re done! 

“But Avitable,” you ask, still stroking my beard, “what do I do if I want to send you something amazing? Like a gift of bacon or chocolate or even a nice Christmas card?”

That’s easy! Here’s my address:

Adam Heath Avitable
Avitable Camp for Wayward Women
407 Silver Oak Lane
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701

Please to be filling out the form below. If for some reason, you can’t figure it out, you can click here.

And finally! Please share this post on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, and any other network – let’s make this into the biggest card exchange in Avitable history!

 

*Okay, probably 99.7% of families. 98% at the very least.

My Experience with The Dinner Party Project

The email was simple. “You’re confirmed for October 8th,” it said. Details followed, and then “Dinner begins at 7:00p. Dress is Smart Casual.”

The panic started shortly after. What the fuck is Smart Casual? I don’t travel in any circles that have a dress code. I avoid traditions and rituals and ceremonies that require dressing in a certain way because I hate social norms and conventions that only exist to make us all conform. I know what Business Casual is (I think? khakis and a button-down shirt?). I know what Casual is (shorts, sandals, anything, really). I know what Avitable Casual is (a pair of red manties with decorative socks [see below]). But Smart Casual? Is that like being naked with a pair of glasses? A pair of shorts and a pocket protector? Why was I doing this?

THIS referred to, of course, The Dinner Party Project, a brilliant gem of an idea by Dana Marie Roquemore (a classic timeless name that evoked thoughts of Dickensian villianesses). Beginning as a gathering of random friends for dinner, it’s transformed into one of the coolest things to do in Orlando. Eight people are chosen at random, asked to donate between $40-70, and once confirmed, invited to dinner. I showed up to Downtown Credo, a fascinating coffee place and nexus of social awareness and positive action that also rents out its space for meetings, parties, and dinners, at 7. And if you’re wondering, I decided that Smart Casual just meant “Don’t look like a homeless idiot” so I opted for a gray long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and dress shoes. I decided not to wear my new favorite hat.

I was greeted by the warm and friendly Dana, who was not hosting tonight’s event and on her way out the door, and then introduced to the hostess, Jeanie, who promptly handed me a whiskey sour. Things looked promising!

We were an interesting group of people – Crystal the former restaurateur turned recruiter, clearly used to hosting and running events; Shannon the wedding planner who spent a lot of time giving wry looks; quiet and innocent looking Matt with a surprisingly hardcore Rage Against The Machine fist tattoo on his shoulder that looks more like a Black Power fist instead; Asia, the recent transplant from Los Angeles with the amazing-looking Neon Cowboy Hat business and strange aquatic snail fetish; Autumn the Starwood Hotel furniture purchaser who has the sarcastically-inflected terrible luck to spend a lot of time in Hawaii doing her job; Michelle (or was it Melissa – now I’m doubting my memory) who works at Full Sail and had some fun stories about what she’s witnessed with students, their parents, and rampant idiocy; our hostess, Jeanie, who initially gave me the impression of growing up with a silver spoon in her mouth, but later showed exactly why you should never judge a book by its cover, nor by its inner wrist Paula Abdul “Straight Up” tattoo; and of course, me.

They served delicious wine in wine glasses from Eva Solo, and as the wine eroded inhibitions, the conversation became more personal. Less concern was given to biting tongues, language grew a shade coarser, and a few stories could probably be classified as ribald (not all of which were mine, surprisingly). Topics ranged from wise advice and favorite places (mine vacillates between The Orlando Improv and Dancers Royale, of course) to meth and Jesus. And many more.

The food, prepared by chef Mike Garcia, was fantastic. Revel in the photos of a meal prepared by a man who clearly loves what he does, and shake your head in jealousy that you didn’t get to sample any of it.

In my daily life, I meet a lot of people, and the impact they have on me depends on my relation to them. Sometimes they’re audience members saying hi after a show, and I won’t remember who they are thirty seconds after they leave. Sometimes they’re new comedians entering the scene, and I don’t even care enough to remember them until they’ve been around for at least six months. Maybe they’re girls I’m listening to while I collect phone numbers that end up in conversations that will eventually prove fruitless.

And sometimes eight strangers sit down at a table and share a meal, then go their separate ways, strangers no more.

The Dinner Party Project

Cupcakes, entrepreneurs, and a free pair of Southwest tickets.

Panoramic view of the National Entrepreneur Center in Orlando

I started my own business ten years ago. I did not, as I thought at that moment, know it all. I didn’t even know part of it. I also didn’t know about the National Entrepreneur Center.

Last night, I was invited to partake in an event with free wine and food where we could learn about the NEC and what they have to offer. They had me at free wine.

Sunshine Baker and Adam "Darkness" Avitable
I drink my wine like a classy MF – out of a red solo cup. Photo courtesy of Sunshine Baker. I’ll be the Darkness to her Sunshine.

Put on by Edgecore, with food from Tijuana Flats and cupcakes from Gigi’s Cupcakes, the event took place at the National Entrepreneur Center, located in its own huge section of the Fashion Square Mall.

The last time I voluntarily went into a mall, it was because a girl wanted my opinion (translation: credit card) on some outfits she was buying at Victoria’s Secret, so it was with some trepidation that I entered the vast wasteland of 90s consumerism, threading through kiosks offering everything from vaporizers to cell phone accessories to other products of dubious quality.

What I found was an impressive organization that provides free counseling, low-cost business seminars, and access to a fantastic list of resources, from the US Department of Commerce employees who help businesses who want to export out of the United States to the National Association of Women Business Owners: Orlando, the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce of Metro Orlando and many others.

And then there were the amazing cupcakes. Gaze upon them and drool out of jealous deprival:

Gigi's Cupcakes of Orlando

Gigi's Cupcakes of Orlando

Anyone with aspirations of starting a business in Central Florida should stop by and take advantage of what the NEC has to offer. If you’re looking for some business ideas, here are some products and services that I think the market severely lacks:

  • Pizza delivery, but by strippers who stay and eat pizza and watch Futurama with you;
  • Sex ninjas;
  • Bacon seasoned with Red Bull for that caffeinated boost;
  • A video game where you just try to get your dad to say he’s proud of you even though you read books instead of playing sports;
  • A dating site that matches large hairy men with tiny beautiful redheads;
  • Trees that grow money, because it’s about time;
  • Instant cloning technology for adventurous sexual escapades;
  • An app that notifies the user of the closest place selling bacon; and
  • A U-turn signal for those assholes who screw everybody up in the left-turn lane at those 12-second green arrows all over Orlando.

Thanks again to the National Entrepreneur Center for hosting this event – every time I think I know everything about Orlando, I’m treated to gems like this place, which could benefit from more publicity and notice. And thank you for allowing me to offer this contest to my readers.

That’s right. How does the prospect of winning two MFing plane tickets from Southwest Air sound? One lucky reader will be chosen to win, and the contest ends on October 24th!

Just enter below, and then get your ass working on that sex ninjas business, okay?

a Rafflecopter giveaway