I know this went live a few days ago, but it is pretty exciting! And fucking Team Jacob all the way!
Archive for the ‘TV and Movies’ Category
June 30th can't come fast enough!
Saturday, March 13th, 2010My review of Alice in Wonderland (Spoiler Free)
Saturday, March 6th, 2010I'm not sure what to say about this movie. I'll start with the visuals. It was beautiful. A perfect Tim Burton world, realized down to every little detail. I could watch full scenes without paying attention to the dialogue and just enjoy how damn pretty it looked, all with its own skewed twist.
The story, however, needed a lot of work. It was written like someone read Lewis Carroll's work, pulled out some key phrases, and tried to write a script around them. It didn't have the feel of Carroll, of his illogical logic and random strangeness. Rather than expand on the universe, using the same rules set forth by Carroll, it was a poorly made Xerox of Wonderland, with some smudges right where the important parts were.
I don't know what genius decided to name this "Alice in Wonderland" but make a Hook-like return to Wonderland. I don't know why anyone thought that watching Tim Burton work his mad genius on the original works would be a poor idea. I don't know why this movie existed other than to give Johnny Depp a ridiculous Scottish accent and a bigger role than he really needed.
I liked it, but it should have been named something different. And the dialogue should have been rewritten by someone with a brain. And the gorgeous actress who played Alice, Mia Wasikowska, should have done some full frontal nudity.
I give it three out of five vorpal blades.
(And for those of you who haven't read the original works, the poem I posted yesterday is verbatim from Carroll's works.)
My review of Edge of Darkness (Spoiler Free)
Friday, February 19th, 2010Last night, I went to see "Edge of Darkness", Mel Gibson's first movie in eight years. I know many people who won't go watch him because of his drunken anti-Semitic tirade a few years ago, but I watch movies to see actors act. I don't have to like their personal views.
Edge of Darkness is a dark look at a cop who loses his only daughter. He is widowed, we presume, because there's no mention of his wife and her mother in the entire film. In the end, he has nothing left to live for, and he's determined that those responsible will pay. It's not as gritty as "Man on Fire" or "Payback", but it's not as slick as "Ransom", either. The tone is bleak but sometimes resorts to just enough bloody splashes of violence to change it up. Martin Campbell, who also directed "Casino Royale", which is one of the best Bond films to date, kept the story tight. With the exception of a few unnecessary moments of exposition that I can only imagine are put in there for audiences who can't understand the Boston accents being thrown around (It gets a bit thick sometimes!), it's a good movie. A little predictable and a little derivative, but I enjoyed seeing Mel Gibson in a role that he fits into like a glove.
I give it three out of five Sugartits.
The Oscar categories you don't know about
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010As you probably know, the Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, and there were a few pleasant additions, like Inglourious Basterds and District 9. With the Academy changing the rules and having 10 nominees for Best Picture, it seems like the Oscars have had a bit of an upheaval. But did you know that there are secret categories that they don't announce or televise? Here are just a few, along with the current frontrunner for each category:
Best Toy Line Turned Into a Movie: GI Joe
Worst Toy Line Turned Into a Movie: The Bratz Movie
Best Naked Blue Man: Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen
(Honorable Mention: Jakesully, Avatar)
Best Mall Cop Movie: Observe and Report
Coolest Nazi Ever: Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds
Douchiest Movie Scene: "Robot Heaven", Transformers 2
Best Ryan Reynolds Role: The Proposal
Worst Ryan Reynolds Role: Wolverine
Best Title That Should be a Porn: The Lovely Bones
Best Use of Ryan from The Office: Inglourious Basterds
Worst Movie of the Year: Post Grad (oh, Rory)
My theories on LOST
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010Since December, thanks to urging by several friends, I have watched the entire first five seasons of LOST on Hulu in anticipation of the final season, which premieres tonight.
If you've never watched LOST and plan on it at some point in the future, you may want to stop reading now. Otherwise, continue.
Here are my theories on what's going to happen in this final season:
- In the series finale, Jack is going to wake up in bed next to Suzanne Pleshette and tell her about the really weird dream he just had.
- The island is actually from the planet Cybertron and the smoke monster is a wounded Megatron.
- In the end, we find out that the island was created by Leland Palmer who was under the influence of Bob.
- Ninjas.
- The entire staff of writers leaves halfway through the season and so it ends on a weak note where fucking Lorelai doesn't end up with fucking Luke even though we all know they're meant for each other.
- The Korean war will finally end.
What do you think will happen?
Movie studios have anally raped my childhood
Saturday, January 2nd, 2010Yes, because "put on the jacket, take off the jacket" is just as memorable as "wax on, wax off."
My review of Sherlock Holmes
Saturday, December 26th, 2009
I'm a fan of Sherlock Holmes. I've read every story written by A. Conan Doyle, and as a kid, would look up each word I didn't understand in the dictionary until I had reread the stories over and over again. I bought the .99 Kindle collection that has all of them so I can read them again. I've watched movies like The Zero Effect, which place someone with Sherlock Holmes's sensibilities and abilities in modern society. As someone who is relatively intuitive and deductive, I see Sherlock Holmes as one of my heroes. So it was with some trepidation that I sat down in a crowded theater at 7 PM on Christmas to watch the latest film incarnation of Baker Street's finest.
And I thoroughly enjoyed it. Robert Downey Jr.'s Holmes feels right. Jude Law's Watson may be a bit burlier and more assertive than the stories led on, but they were written by Watson himself, so you can surmise that maybe he practiced some humility and self-editing. The mystery was a good one, the action was excellent yet believable (I'm not an expert on the details of the era, so I can't argue whether or not there were anachronisms. I don't care.), and when they showed Holmes's deductive skills at work, I found myself laughing giddily.
It's smart, but it's broad enough for the general audience. It's funny, and I can forgive the few base jokes that do jar you out of the movie. It's exciting, and I never felt bored for a second. This movie is definitely one of my favorites for the year – how wonderful, between Sherlock Holmes and Avatar, to have two such amazing films to finish off the last decade!
I give it 4 and a half out of five pinches of snuff.
My review of Avatar (Spoiler Free)
Sunday, December 20th, 2009Avatar is James Cameron's opus. He's been working on it for the last fifteen years, a fact that is certain to raise most people's expectations to impossible-to-meet standards. Without going into details, the film focuses on a future where the human race is attempting to mine an inhabited planet for a valuable resource. The inhabitants, a tall, strong, blue-skinned humanoid people called the Na'vi, are resisting, and so Na'vi bodies are grown that can be controlled remotely by humans so that they can walk among this alien race.
The story is predictable and simple. It's Dancing With Wolves meets Alien meets The Abyss. The original script treatment by Cameron had many more elements that created ambiguity and complexities that were noticeably absent in this version. I have no doubt that the director's cut will likely contain some of these aspects and will probably be six hours long, too.
Even with the basic plot and one-dimensional characters, the movie is phenomenal. I saw it in 3D, and the world was so engrossing that you begin to get lost in it. At one point, characters in the movie raised their arms, and I almost yelled at the people sitting in front of me because I thought it was them. You forget that most of the movie is not real. Each Na'vi is so realistic, with subtle facial expressions and a tangible feeling of having a soul, that you are fully invested in each of them as characters.
This movie earns its PG-13 rating. It's dark and violent and will frighten small children. The two five year old children seated behind me were perfect examples of kids who should not have been at this movie, especially since their mother had to leave with them about half way through. This is a movie for kids 10 and older, at the very minimum, and only those who have the attention span to sit still for almost three hours.
I thoroughly enjoyed the film and can't wait to go back and watch it again, this time in IMAX 3D. It's one of my favorite movies of the year. I give it four and a half out of five stars.


