It’s been a while since I gave anything away to you, my obsessed faithful stalkers readers. Way back in the good ol’ days of blogging, I used to have contests every week, where I would test your knowledge and ability to read my mind with quotes and references to TV shows, movies, and music.

Today, though, people don’t want to think or write out answers. They want the easy way out. They want to just leave a generic comment and be in the running for an awesome product. Should I give the people what they want?

Resoundingly, I say “Fuck no”!

As you know, I have put together a calendar that I am selling for the low price of $11.99, which includes shipping and a personal note/drawing on the calendar, with all proceeds going to a local animal charity. I’m really hoping to raise a significant amount of money for this dog rescue, so if you have an extra $12 floating around in your Paypal account, which is barely enough for a ticket to go see Adam Sandler’s new shit-fest Jack and Jill plus you won’t even have enough money for a bullet to kill yourself after, send it my way by clicking the image below and make some older dogs really happy.

This is your prize. Two lucky winners will receive free copies of the calendar in time for Christmas. The rest of you fuckers will have a terrible, sad, Charlie Bucket type of Christmas.

How can you win this amazing prize, you are probably asking yourself or random people sitting around you? It’s simple. Read the following short story and see how many TV and movie references you can get. The two top scorers win, and if multiple people score in the top, I’ll randomly pick a winner. Leave your answers (which means a list of the actual movies and TV show titles) in the comments. All decisions are final, and I reserve the right to call you a sore loser with poor pop culture knowledge.

And . . . . go! Oh, and hint: There are 30 references to find.

In the year 2000, on the outskirts of the city of Bomont, a blue box appeared on the horizon, hovering over Macho Grande before landing with an almost graceful, sensual crash. The door to the box opened, and its occupants, two young men wearing shirts representing a poorly spelled band named after untamed horses, emerged carefully.

One of the men reached into Backpack and pulled out a book, wrapped in plastic. Unwrapping it cautiously, he avoided the biting, gnashing teeth on the cover, and turned to page 394. Walking to the intersection of the two roads, he quickly recited this incantation: “Klaatu Baraka Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo Echolls Mars Fyarl Snoochies”.

Instantly a woman with orange hair stood before them wearing nothing but white bandages strategically wrapped around her torso. “Yes?” she asked, her eyes flashing with a metallic green glow.

“Umm, evil lady dude, we want to know our density – umm, I mean destiny,” stammered the shorter of the two men.

“And then?”

“Well, and then we’ll give you our souls. Well, just mine. His is already claimed by gypsies.”

“One is enough, as long as you satisfy one additional demand.”

“What is it?”

“It’s an insistent authoritative request, but that’s not important right now. I want your permission to slap you, one time, at some point in the future without warning.”

“Ok. Let’s make a deal.”

She wrinkled her nose and bobbed her head. “Done.” Her voice lingered on the air like her scent as she disappeared.

In her place was a cardboard box marked “Fragile”. The men knelt around it. “What’s in the box?” one asked.

Lifting out a delicious smelling apple gruyere pie, the taller man shrugged, said, “Well, it’s not our destiny, but at least it’s not $240 worth of pudding,” and began to eat.

The End.

Best Impersonation of a Billionaire:  Jesse Eisenberg

Best Score By The Guy Who Wrote That “Fuck You Like An Animal” Song:  The Social Network

Movie That Sounds the Most Like a Porno Since “Dick”:  Winter’s Bone

Best Use of Shit in 3-D:  Jackass 3D

Worst Use of Shit in 3-D:  Gnomeo and Juliet

Foreign Film With Subtitles Spaced Far Enough Apart that You Can Fast-forward and Read Them Instead of Watching the Movie:  No winner

Best Animated Short:  Any 5-minute clip of Toy Story 3.

Best Cunnilingus:  Black Swan

Worst Cunnilingus:  Blue Valentine

Best British Period Piece that Paints Royals as Noble and Romantic Instead of Inbred:  The King’s Speech

Best Use of Justin Timberlake:  The Social Network

Worst Use of Justin Timberlake:  Yogi Bear

Best Use of Uncomfortable Humor Relating to Death:  Death at a Funeral, the British version

Worst Use of Uncomfortable Humor Relating to Death:  Death at a Funeral, the black remake

Best Family:  Emma Stone’s in Easy A

Worst Family:  Leonardo DiCaprio’s in Inception

Best Picture:  The King’s Speech

Best Picture That Actually Deserves It:  The Social Network

This was something I got tagged with on Facebook. It’s supposed to be a daily meme, but I’m not writing 31 fucking posts about movie titles. Before I get started, thanks to everyone who joined us for the second episode of CYR last night! I did my stand-up routine, talked about auto-fellatio, and discussed Valentine’s Day. Join us next week and catch up by downloading the podcast through iTunes!

Day #1: Favorite Movie – The Fifth Element

Day #2: Least Favorite Movie – Meet the Parents

Day #3: Favorite Comedy – Airplane!

Day #4: Favorite Adventure – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Day #5: Favorite Horror – Paranormal Activity

Day #6: Favorite Suspense/Thriller – Casino Royale

Day #7: Favorite Animated Movie – Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Day #8: Favorite Guilty Pleasure – Daredevil

Day #9: A Movie You Never Expected To Love – Time Traveler’s Wife

Day #10: Biggest Let-Down – Van Helsing

Day #11: First Movie You Saw In Theaters – Spaceballs

Day #12: The Last Movie You Saw In Theaters – The Mechanic

Day #13: Favorite Documentary – none

Day #14: Favorite Satire – Tropic Thunder

Day #15: A Movie With Your Favorite Actor – Back to the Future

Day #16: Favorite Movie Based On A Book – Scott Pilgrim

Day #17: Favorite Movie With An Actor You Hate – Julie and Julia

Day #18: Movie You Can Watch On Loop – The Dark Knight

Day #19: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Event – The Patriot

Day #20: Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Figure – The Doors

Day #21: Favorite Musical – South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Day #22: Most Over-Rated Movie – The Incredibles

Day #23: Most Under-Rated Movie – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Day #24: Movie With Best Soundtrack – Social Network

Day #25: Favorite Black and White Movie – Young Frankenstein

Day #26: Cheesiest Horror Movie – Nightmare on Elm Street IV

Day #27: Favorite Oscar-Winning Movie – Memento

Day #28: Favorite Made-For-Television Movie – IT

Day #29: Favorite Movie Based On A Television Series – Serenity

Day #30: Favorite Re-Make – True Grit

Day #31: Favorite Sequel – Back to the Future 2

Last week, I was watching “Being Human”, which is a US relaunch of a (reportedly superior) UK show. With the exception of “The Office”, I’ve preferred the UK originals of shows like “Life on Mars” and “Kitchen Nightmares”, and I’m sure that once I see the UK version of “Being Human”, I’ll feel the same way. It seems like every time that a brilliant television show crosses the pond, it gets watered down, dumbed down, and given Downs Syndrome.

This made me wonder what some of our popular shows would be like if they were completely rejiggered and relaunched in other cultures:

FRANCE: La Théorie Du Big Bang

Four well-dressed male bisexual college students spend most of their days smoking cigarettes and discussing philosophy while sharing the beautiful but stupid blonde American woman who lives across the hall. The breakout star, ‘Chelle, is known for his catchphrase, “Bozhe, Carja hrani (Боже, Царя храни) which is Russian for “God Save the Tsar”.

ENGLAND: Tosh.0

Stock footage of threshing machines is interspersed with shots of the Royal Family tripping or blowing their nose while the audience titters politely.

GREECE: Vouliagmeni Shore

This reality show follows six Athens men around as they spend the summer in one house on the beach. There’s Nicodemus “Snooki” Papadopolous, Petros “P-Woww” Gaffinafikas, Spyros Fancypantsis, Remo “Strong Guy” Snuffalupagus, Zorba “The Condition In Which You Find Yourself” Nachopantalones, and Aleksandar Adrogynicus, all men who love to lay out, go to the gym, give each other blowjobs, and tan, or as they say “LGBT!”

JAPAN: Opura Wuinnfrai Show

In this gameshow, contestants are chased around a couch by a sumo wrestler in blackface. If he catches them, they must go through the dreaded “VaJayJay” gauntlet, where they will be punished until they cry. If they can keep out of his grasp for 90 seconds, the contestant and a random audience member will win a free car.

RUSSIA: The Great Hoarding of Supplies

A camera crew is accompanied by a psychologist, recording the lives of hoarders and attempting to help them with their disease. Episodes have included the 70-year old woman who lived with her 90-year old father, and between the two of them had accumulated 36 plastic bags, 14 cans of beans, and six unused rolls of toilet paper!

MALAWI: The Malawi of Tara

This show centers around a woman who is raising two children alone in Malawi. She also suffers from a dissociative personality disorder, and at times of stress, her other personalities surface. In the season finale, one of her personalities surfaces in front of a magistrate and she is summarily executed for being a witch.

ICELAND: Seinfeld

Pretty much the same show as the US version, except every character is played by Bjork, except for Kramer who is played by a midget wearing a swan costume.

If you’re still looking for gifts to give to friends, family, or me, here’s my list of the top 5 TV shows available on DVD or Blu Ray at this time.

5. 30 Rock. Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin have a dynamic that is reminiscent of Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting, without the sexual tension. It’s funny and smart and, once again, meets a criteria of mine for a television show – it does not talk down to the audience. The best shows are the ones that treat the audiences as if they’re intelligent. Seasons: Currently still on air with season 5.

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sometimes when I suggest this show to people, I want to suggest that they skip the first season and begin watching season 2. Season 1 is a bit “Monster of the Week”, but it does lay the groundwork for an amazingly rich continuity that lasts through the entire series. If you don’t cry at least once while watching this series, you have no soul. Seasons: 7.

3. Community. A half-hour comedy that doesn’t telegraph its jokes, doesn’t talk down to its audience, doesn’t star Charlie Sheen, shows what geeks are actually like, and heralded the genius return of Chevy Chase? Who would think that something like this would work? Not only does it work, but Community works on multiple levels. It’s funny and almost requires repeat viewings to catch every little nuance. It might start off a bit slow, but as it picks up steam, it’s risen in the ranks to my favorite TV show currently on TV. Stars Joel McHale from E!’s “The Soup”, and he’s actually really good! Seasons: Currently still on air with season 2.

2. Firefly. The outskirts of space is more likely to be like the Old West than Star Trek, according to this funny, dark, and brilliant concept by Joss Whedon. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like westerns and don’t like “space shows”. You’ll like this. Follow it up with the movie “Serenity”. Seasons: 1.

1.  Veronica Mars. Sharply written noir in a high school setting. It’s one of the best series I’ve ever seen, and I have yet to find a single person who didn’t watch the season premiere and find it compelling, if not fascinating. Seasons: 3.

Honorable Mentions: Pushing Daisies, Tru Blood, Sopranos, LOST, The Office, Seinfeld, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Scrubs, Remington Steele, Police Squad, Sledge Hammer!, Profit

Looking for something to buy the special Avitable in your life? Click here!

I saw “Morning Glory” this weekend and while it was a bit lacking in substance, it was a fun movie, and Rachel McAdams can really do no wrong in my book. Plus, Harrison Ford was actually acting again!

I was thinking about movie titles, and how important they are for moviegoers to show interest.  While there are a few exceptions, most movies need some type of catchy title with some type of symbolism or imagery behind them to attract attention.  For example, I might not have seen (and thoroughly enjoyed) “The Social Network” if it had been called “The Life and Trials of Mark Zuckerberg.”

This makes me think, in turn, of movie titles that could exist that would make me skip them on principle alone:

• The Diary of a Gay New Zealand Sheepherder
• Snooze
• Robin Williams is Serious and Preachy
• Schindler’s List
• White Guy and Black Guy do Crazy Shit
• Explosive Diarrhea in the 15th Century
• Sarah Palin: America’s Pitbull
• French Words for Boredom
• Written and Directed by Tyler Perry
• Talking Gerbils!
• The Hobbit
• Behind the Scenes at Dairy Queen
• My Vaginal Warts
• Trout 3D

If you have a minute, down at the bottom of the right side of my blog is a “Networked Blogs” widget. Would you mind clicking the “Follow this Blog” button if you’re a fan of what you see here? Thanks!

Sequels are both a blessing and a curse.  Many times, they provide us more of the characters and story that we enjoyed in the original movie.  Unfortunately, they don’t always seem to have the same effort, technique, and personal investment, which means that the experience can sometimes be disappointing.

There are some movies that deserve a sequel, if the original cast, writers, editors, and directors were involved.  I’m talking about movies that are so good that a new story could be amazing.  Films like Grosse Pointe Blank, The Fifth Element, Unbreakable, The Professional, and Happy Gilmore.  (Obviously, this is a highly subjective list of mine.)  And then there are movies that are amazing or classic or ground-breaking or mind-boggling, but could never be sequelized unless there was a sheer stroke of genius involved. Movie like Edward Scissorhands, Memento, Punch Drunk Love,  Shawshank Redemption, and Fight Club.

But what about the rest?  What about the average and above average films that are ripe for sequels?  With the recent news that Tony Scott is working on a sequel to Top Gun, I started thinking about other sequels that could be made.

First, there are a few of the serious concepts that I’d love to see:

Ferris Bueller’s Second Day Off – John Hughes is dead, but if you had the right writer and director, imagine a story about a middle-aged Ferris, trapped in a sales job in the suburbs, who decides to skip work for a day and take his kids on an adventure to Chicago.  He recruits Sloan, his wife, and Cameron, who is now a bored-out-of-his-skull multi-millionaire lottery winner, and they learn, laugh, and live.  Jeffrey Jones could still play the principal at the school where Ferris and Sloan’s kids attend, even.  It could be magical!

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice – It’s not like Michael Keaton is really doing anything, so why not develop a new story where another family dies, and is shown the ropes by a grown up Lydia Deetz.  To get Tim Burton involved, just ask Johnny Depp to play the newly dead father.  Beetlejuice could see this as his opportunity to get revenge on the Deetzes, and dark hilarity and Harry Belafontizing could ensue.

Spaceballs The Sequel – While Mel Brooks is still alive and kicking, he should put out a new parody that references Star Trek, the Star Wars prequels, and other science fiction, gives Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman and Daphne Zuniga something to do, and tells a clever tale of Lone Star, Princess Vespa, and their tale of revenge for the death of Barfolomew, their faithful Mawg.

Then there are the sequels which will never be made but totally should be just for entertainment purposes:

Salt and Pepper – Angelina Jolie’s character was a Russian spy who defected to and defended the United States.  Now she’s a federal agent, partnered with an older man who is three days away from retirement and doesn’t want to get involved in solving a high-stakes plot to assassinate the President of Malawi.

Indigestion – In this sequel to Inception, Leonardo DiCaprio’s character must invade the dreams of another target.  This time, instead of planting an idea so deeply that the target thinks of it himself, he must travel from the brain to the gastrointestinal tract and go deeper among neural impulses than anyone has ever before.  His goal –  to plant the most dangerous idea of them all – that if the target smelt it, the target had indeed dealt it.  By the end, the audience is so simultaneously confused and revolted that they won’t even care whether or not Cobb’s life is real or just a fart in the wind.

Pulpier Fiction – Zed’s still dead, baby, but Butch, Marsellus, Jules, and the gang are all back. This time, there’s a bounty on Mia Wallace’s head, and everyone, including Pumpkin and Honey Bunny, are out to get it!

Ei8ht – This sequel to the dark and twisted Se7en is located in Los Angeles, with a new criminal and new team of detectives.  This time, though, it’s even more extreme.  Instead of working his way through the seven deadly sins, the unknown killer is murdering his victims inspired by the eight deadly Kardashians.  Whether it’s being lobotomized like Bruce Jenner, suffocated in a bro-hug like the ones Brody Jenner gives, or being smothered by a giant ass like that belonging to Kim Kardashian, the victims are dying quicker than the detectives can put together the pattern and protect the city from the evils of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie, Kendall, Kris, Bruce, and Brody.

Ju-not Again! – Juno MacGuff, the fast-talking, mature yet delicate, protagonist of Juno, played by Ellen Page in all her steely-eyed cuteness, made another mistake.  This time, she’s pregnant with twins!  With two families fighting for the right to have her babies and Paulie Bleeker being away in Iraq, Juno must dig deep to find the strength to get the abortion that she knows she totally should get.

• Yesterday I watched the recent opus from Johnny Knoxville and crew, Jackass 3D.  I’ve seen all the previous iterations of this group, from some of their CKY videos to the TV show (and Wild Boyz and Viva La Bam!) to Jackass 1, 2, and 2.5.  I love their reckless abandon, their ability to get down and dirty, and their skills at staring fear and pain in the eye and only flinching a little.The newest movie was made using the same 3D cameras as Avatar, along with a special rig that was manufactured exclusively for Jackass – a super-slow motion 3D camera that shoots 1,000 frames per second.  This technology is used to its limits, and watching a fat half-naked man get shot in the stomach with a high-speed medicine ball in slow motion and 3 crisp dimensions is absolutely hysterical.

  I think this might be my favorite Jackass creation.  While it still pushes the envelope in the terms of pain, humiliation, and gross humor, there’s a bittersweet aspect to it.  You can tell that the whole gang is getting older, and that they know they can’t take quite the same abuse as before (Preston Lacy is the oldest at 41, Knoxville is 39, Chris Pontius and Steve-O are 36 – the youngest, Bam Margera, is 31).  The end of the movie seems almost like a farewell, showing young Jackassians on film doing some of their earlier stunts before they had families, mortgages and tattoos of dicks on their asses.  I hope this isn’t their last film, though – I want to see one reunion film in about 15-20 years when they show that they can still take a hit or poop on command.

  You’ll laugh, you’ll gasp, and you may gag a little.  But this is what 3D was made for!

• If you have a free minute, will you click over here and vote for my friend Loukia’s blog as the Best Canadian Family Blog of 2010?  Her blog is “Lou Lou’s Views”.
• Let me just say something to all of you published authors out there.  You might think it’s pretty cool to have your work published and your name on the front cover, but you know what’s even more awesome?  Having your quote published on the back of someone else’s book! (Ok, it’s not really more awesome.  I’m jealous.)
  
  Go here to buy her book now!
• Check out the new Friend of Avitable in the sidebar – give Finn some bloggy love!
• Finally, do you drink coffee?  Why not own a coffee mug that has some Avitable art on it?
  
  Find Your Happy by avitable
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In my video I say that there are spoilers, but there really aren’t.  I don’t tell the ending or anything that you haven’t seen in the previews.  Note to self:  don’t do video movie reviews at 2 AM after a night out.

Over at MamaPop, The Palinode wrote a post discussing the top ten movies that made men cry.  Most of them were movies that I’d never seen, like “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, “The Iron Giant” (and don’t recommend I see it – I know I’ll hate it.  I hate Brad Bird.), “Midnight Cowboy”, “Shane”, and “House of Flying Daggers”, so I decided to make my own, highly subjective list (REPLETE WITH SPOILERS):

5. Armageddon

When Harry, played by Bruce Willis, stays behind to detonate the nuke on the asteroid, the goodbye scene between him and his daughter, played by Liv Tyler, and his resulting death scene always make me misty-eyed.

4. Toy Story 3

I’ve seen this movie three times and every fucking time that Andy realizes that Woody is in the box he’s giving to the little girl, I start bawling.  Every. Fucking. Time.

3. Juno

While there were a couple of parts in this film that had me feel like there was something in my eye, the final birth scene until Pauly shows up is just an emotional roller coaster resulting in TEARS, people.

2. Spider-Man 2

I can’t explain it. During the scene where he is fighting Dr. Octavius on the train, and he uses all of his strength to stop the train from plummeting into the water, Spider-man passes out. Right before he falls face forward, the train passengers reach forward and catch him, then carry him inside and take care of him.  For some reason, that scene always gets to me.

1. New Moon

Yes.  I know.  Suck my nuts.  Whether it was due to the fact that I watched that movie originally during a low point in my life or the excellent writing and acting (ha!), the scene in the end where Edward and Jacob are both trying to make Bella decide between them is heart wrenching and sob-inducing.

There might be others.  I know there are scenes in other movies where I can feel the possibility of getting teary, but they usually move on so quickly that I recover without any leakage.  What movies make you cry like a little baby?