Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

The tsunami that hit Hawaii

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

  • President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
  • Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
  • The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
  • The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
  • The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
  • Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
  • Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
  • Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

Happy birthday to me.

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Today, I turn 33. I plan on eating an entire grocery store birthday cake, four little ounces at a time. Who's with me?

Is 2010 over yet?

Monday, January 4th, 2010

I think I might be ready for 2011 already.

Halloween Party 2009 Announcement!

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Set your browsers to http://www.avitable.com/halloween for all things Halloween Party 2009!

We have exclusive T-shirts with designs from artists and bloggers.
We have a raffle where you can win a free plane ticket to the Halloween party this year.
We have all the info you'll need about tickets and attending the best Halloween party of the year.

What are you waiting for? Go find out what the theme is and check it out now!

Avitable's rules for life

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

I've had this post idea from a post by Tracy in my drafts for a long time. Simply put, she came up with her rules for life. And now here are mine:

1. The world needs garbage men and house cleaners. It's not classism or economic discrimination to pay people to do jobs that you wouldn't do. It's how the world works.

2. Everyone has an infinite capacity to love, and you will never run out of love for one person by loving another.

3. Once you realize that I'm almost always right, and that I've thought of everything, things will be much easier for all of us.

4. There's no such thing as putting too much effort into proving a point.

5. Funny trumps all.

6. Everyone will disappoint you at least once in your life. Forgive them. It's when it becomes a habit that you need to cut them out of your life.

7. Controlling your situation is the best way to make sure that you're not caught unawares. "Winging it" is a good way to make sure that you end up looking like an idiot.

8. Words only have as much power as you give them. If you ignore them, they will lose all effectiveness.

9. No matter how bad things are for you, there's always someone else out there who is worse. Look for the positive aspects first.

What are your rules for life?

(Once again, no radio show tonight. We're still trying to recover!)

Who knew I could be weird?

Friday, December 19th, 2008

I got tagged by Bridget over at Yellaphant to do one of those lists of seven things that you might not know about me.

This is more difficult than you'd think. I mean, I've already made a list of 100 things about me. And my Avitable purity test told you another 60 things that I've done that nobody wanted to know.

But I might as well give it a try! Without further ado:

1. I don't like roller coasters. I just think about all of the little pieces that could be improperly maintained and then realize that most of them are maintained by sub-IQ retards making minimum wage and will not put my life into their hands.

2. When I was in law school, I was sleeping so soundly and dreaming about peeing so repeatedly, that I actually peed a little. Now even if my dream is barely about having to pee at all, I'll still wake up and go.

3. My mother hates my Christmas cards. The very first one I ever sent out was relatively innocuous but she was still horrified. Each year I try to see what else I can do to horrify her. Since her friends are on my card list as well, many of them get the card and then say to each other, "Oh, Robyn's going to kill that boy!" My mom actually pleads with me not to send them out to anyone she knows every year. Heh.

4. I don't have any role models or mentors. This doesn't mean that I don't think I have anything to learn. On the contrary, I just realize that I can take the elements that I might admire in someone and just apply them to myself and at that point there is no reason for that person to be there anymore.

5. I do actually work in my underwear. Since I work from home, I see no point in wearing constricting clothing while working. A white t-shirt as an undershirt and a pair of boxer briefs seem to do the job perfectly well. I encourage my employees who work out of my house to wear whatever they want, too, but so far nobody's taken advantage of Lingerie Monday.

6. I've never been to a funeral and I do not plan on going to one. The only funerals where I'd feel any compulsion to attend would be for those people to whom I'm very close, and for those people, I'd rather pay my respects privately than attend a funeral.

7. I've seen the Spice Girls' Movie over 10 times. What can I say? With a great supporting cast, the film is actually pretty funny, and of course, I love the music. Zig-a zig-a Ah!

So there you go – 7 things that you likely did not know about yours truly. I'm not going to tag anyone else to do this one, because I don't play like that!

Have a great weekend!

My Dear John Letter

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Dear Happy Madison Productions,

This will be the hardest letter I've ever written. I have wrestled with this for a long time, but recent events have finally given me the strength to move on with my life. I may have loved you at some point, or maybe I just let my love of "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison" blind me to who you really were, but I just know that I don't love you anymore. Our relationship is over.

I know the first thing you'll be thinking is that it's because of your friends. And that's true to a small degree. I mean, I do like David Spade and Chris Rock, most of the time. But it's your insistence on bringing Rob Schneider everywhere with you that really soured me. I mean, just because I loved you, I was willing to suffer through "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo". I even tried to watch "The Animal" and "The Hot Chick", although I'll admit that I couldn't even gather up the strength to sit through "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo". In the earlier stages of our relationship, it was cute when Rob would pop up and make a short, funny joke – I'll admit that I laughed. But I grew up, and he hasn't. And by continuing to thrust him into the spotlight, you've shown that you haven't either.

Rob's just one small part of our issues, though. The main reason is you. You started out full of promise and hopes and dreams and you've just slowly gotten lazy and sloppy and the way you've let yourself go is getting to me. I don't even want to be seen with you! Sure, "Little Nicky" had some shortfalls, but it was a good effort, and I still loved it even though it wasn't perfect. And when you followed that up with "Joe Dirt", which I loved, I was impressed and believed in your dreams. "Mr. Deeds" was solid, but mediocre. I still supported you, though – remember when I told everyone I loved it and couldn't wait until your next one? But then that bit me in the ass. I mean, "Anger Management"? How did you manage to fuck up anything with Jack Nicholson in it?

It was at that point that I thought I might be falling out of love with you. I was considering taking a break – you could go do some serious films and I would check out what Woody Allen was doing, but then you semi-redeemed yourself by being romantic (like you used to be with "The Wedding Singer"), and "50 First Dates" was enough of a reason to erase my doubts. For a little while, though.

Since then, though, it's just been a downward spiral. I'll admit that I'm somewhat at fault, here. I listened to my head instead of my heart and lied to you when I said that I liked "The Benchwarmers", "Click", and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry." But I didn't. I didn't even watch them!

The last straw, however, was today's embarrassment. I walked in on "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" and saw you with *sob* a horrible premise! And bad acting! And not a single joke for two whole hours! And I sat there and didn't laugh and wanted to cry and realized that I couldn't even tap into my deepest emotions to wring out one drop of love for you anymore.

I'm sorry to do this by letter, but last time I talked to you on the phone you roped me into a thirty-minute conversation about whether or not shampoo or conditioner was better. I just can't play these games with you anymore. We're through.

Love,

Me

P.S. There's someone new in my life – Apatow Productions – so please be happy for me.

Puerto Rico

Wednesday, November 28th, 2007

So, as most of you know, I go in every week for a shave and a haircut at my barber's. My first experience was awesome, but then I had a clowning experience, and of course, there was the photo opportunity when I had my eyebrows waxed.

Then, there was the time that I really felt like an asshole. I've linked it, but the relevant text is here:

Wednesday, after going to my barber's for my weekly trim and shave, was when I reached the realization that I am indeed an asshole. I walked into the barber's and immediately noticed that my usual barber, Raul, wasn't there. I asked the owner where he is, and she says, "Oh. Well, he's in the hospital right now. They found out that he might have lymphoma."

"That's horrible," I said. "Who's going to cut my hair and shave me?"

She gave me a slightly strange look. "Natalia is going to do it today. So, about Raul. Would you like his phone number? Some of his regulars are checking in on him and sending flowers or something."

On the inside, I'm thinking furiously. What the fuck can I say to that other than "Okay"? I don't want his fucking phone number – I'm not going to call my barber who might have cancer and make small talk! Maybe I'd send him something at the hospital, if he wasn't just my fucking barber! But there was no real answer I could give that would get me off the hook, so I shrugged and said "Sure. Maybe I can send him something."

Two days later, and I still haven't sent him something. If he doesn't die and actually comes back to work, I'll ask him if he got the nice arrangement that I had sent up, and when he says, "No," I'll blame the hospital and the old lady volunteers working the gift shop. But, in the end, and this is the REALLY asshole thing, I'm almost hoping that he doesn't come back so I don't have to worry about it.

Well, Raul made a full recovery, and returned to the barbershop. By that point, though, I had switched over to the owner and had no interest in having Raul do my shave. He was unreliable, and missed random days, had problems getting to work, and just went from being a meticulous, amazing barber to someone that I really didn't want holding a blade to my throat.

He's from Puerto Rico, and Cori, the owner, kept joking with him, every time he was there, about going back to Puerto Rico where his car would be top of the line and he'd have more money than most people, and Raul would joke with her about it, but you got the sense that he was serious, and one day he was just going to up and disappear and go back to Puerto Rico.

Yesterday, after getting my shave, and setting up my appointment for next week, I notice that Raul isn't in the appointment book anymore. "Oh," I said. "Looks like King Raul went back to Puerto Rico to rule over them with his mighty scissors and razor, eh?"

"No," Cori said. "He died on Sunday."

"Fuck! Really?"

"Yeah. Want to send his mother some flowers?"

It is all a lie

Monday, June 11th, 2007

Since I'm busy working on the postcards, I didn't have time to write a post today. So I have a guest poster! And before I introduce him, don't forget to head over to Burt Reynolds' Mustache to read my post from yesterday. It's lonely and needs your comments.

This man has known me for over 30 years. He's a 73-year old entrepreneur, an amateur comedian, a Masshole, and my grandfather. Please welcome my Papa.

*************************

First, let me tell you that if it wasn't for my grandson, this post would be in all capital letters. Apparently in the world of the internet this is considered shouting, and I have been shouting every time I have sent an email for the last few years.

Now, when Ahmoo (we call him Ahmoo because that's the only way his little brother could say his name many years ago) told me he wanted me to write a guest post for his blog, I had no idea what a blog even was. He explained that it was like an online diary, which doesn't make a lick of sense to me. It seems a diary should be private, but what do I know? In my day, the only people who kept diaries were little girls. I hope Ahmoo's not a little girl. Although, now that I think about it, we don't have any great-grandkids yet!

I wish that was going to be the only time that I said "In my day", but it's not. You see, I've spent quite a bit of time on the internet using ebay and buying and selling my figurines. I get lots of emails that seem to be hoaxes and scams from people telling me that I need to click here and type this to verify my account or password. Before I do anything, though, I always forward it to Ahmoo for him to tell me if it's legitimate or not.

The thing is, he always responds in about 20 seconds, no matter what time of day or night. And that's just not normal, to be spending so much time on the computer, every single day of the week. In my day, we were active. We would do yard work and help family members and have a "honey-do" list of everything that needed fixing around the house. We would listen to the radio occasionally, and when television was around, we might watch Ed Sullivan once in a while. But it just seems abnormal to be parked in front of a giant box all day long, staring at a screen until your eyes go bad.

It's okay, though. Ahmoo's a good kid. I've watched him grow up (and grow and grow and grow, if you know what I mean), and he hasn't turned out half-bad. There was that time where he joined the circus but got kicked out because he couldn't fit in the tiny clown car. And when he got his head stuck in a toilet as a boy, we worried that he might not be too smart, but he proved us wrong. Sometimes. It's amazing how some of the smart ones never have any common sense.

Anyways, I am not sure really what else to write, but I thought I'd share one more embarrassing story. When Ahmoo was two years old, I would drive him to pre-school early in the morning. Part of our trip took us up a hill, and at the top, you could see the Tomoka River. We played a game called "I can see the river first." However, I would always distract him in some way and then, as we reached the top, I would shout, "I can see the river first!" And Ahmoo would cry and cry. This might explain why he's so competitive about everything now!

Okay, now back to my Hummels. Get off my lawn!

-PAPA

Nothing to see here

Monday, April 16th, 2007

Too tired to write anything substantial today. Instead, I'll direct you over to a hilarious video blog post by Heather. She's drunk, she's wearing Mickey Mouse ears, and she's playing with action figures. What could be funnier?

So, go check her out and laugh and comment and encourage her to post even more drunk vlogs.