Archive for the ‘Whoring’ Category

Buy This Shirt

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

As I said over on the blog for my huge Halloween Party (the one to which that you are all invited – go read more!), this is the second year in a row that we've sold T-shirts to raise money for the party. I'm going to occasionally take a post here and there to showcase each of the four shirts that we're selling.

Today's shirt is the one hand drawn and then amateurishly resketched in Photoshop by none other than myself. Wouldn't you like to own a shirt that has something drawn by Avitable on it? I mean, who wouldn't jump at that chance?

The nice thing about the site I use, Zazzle, is that you can customize any shirt for your own options. You can take the design and put it on any type of shirt, any color, and any style, and they'll make it custom just for you, at no additional cost! Click the design below to purchase your shirt now.

Avitable_alien

If you want to browse the other shirts, you can view the entire Halloween 2009 run here.

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

Avitable: Tshirt Whore

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Self, I wish there was a T-shirt out there that demonstrated that I was tech-savvy, perverted, clever, punny, trendy, and classy"?

Well, now your dreams have been answered! Available in men's and women's sizes!

Not quite your style? Try one of my simpler, easier shirts to tell the world about your blog or Twitter URL! It's customizable so that you can change the URL to yours very easily.

I'm totally BLOGGING this shirt

Front

I'm totally BLOGGING this shirt

Back

(Also available in a Woman's version)

I'm totally TWEETING this shirt

Front

I'm totally TWEETING this shirt

Back

(Also available in Men's version)

I know what I'll be wearing to BlogHer this year. How about you?

Music Review: The Receders "One Night Stand"

Saturday, May 2nd, 2009

The Receders

A couple of weeks ago, Jeff from View from the Cloud posted about his band, The Receders, having a CD being released. I'm always looking for new music so I plunked down the reasonable $12.00 (right here through the handy order form) for their debut album, "One Night Stand," and sat by my mailbox, breathless with anticipation. A week later, it arrived, and about three hours ago I stuck it into my iTunes and started listening to it. And I've listened to it three times so far.

Jeff and his band have put together a clean, professional, studio quality CD that is catchy and has a timeless quality to it. It's hard to pick out the influences, but to my very untrained ear, it sounded like a mix between Dire Straits, They Might Be Giants, ZZ Top, Chuck Berry, and maybe some Blues Traveler. As someone who has an eclectic taste in music, from Britney Spears to Nine Inch Nails, I really appreciated the diverse styles that are prevalent with each subsequent track.

These guys obviously know how to play, from the harmonica to the guitar to the drums and keyboard. They're clearly skilled musicians writing and playing very clean, sharp, tight music. I think that it would be nice to hear what happens when they let their (figurative) hair down, let loose, and play by the seat of their pants. Maybe for their sophomore album.

So, if you're on the hunt for some new music and want to support a blogger at the same time, go pick up Jeff's band's CD.

(Disclosure: This was not a paid review nor was I asked to review this CD. I purchased it, listened to it, and wrote this review of my own volition, and it is my unadulterated opinion.)

Steal This Shirt!

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Every blogger knows that any conversation or activity can turn into something worth blogging or tweeting. You might as well put your family and friends on notice! The back of shirt is customizable with your own URL so that they can follow along! Available in all colors, styles and sizes. You know you want one.

I'm totally BLOGGING this shirt

Front

I'm totally BLOGGING this shirt

Back

(Also available in a Woman's version)

I'm totally TWEETING this shirt

Front

I'm totally TWEETING this shirt

Back

(Also available in Men's version)


*****
In other Avita-news, tonight at 9 PM is another new episode of "Clearly, You're Retarded"! Set LOST to record on your DVR and tune in to part of the largest online radio show that has the word "retarded" in its title!

Tonight's topic: If a teen or adult child is mentally retarded, should the parents have the child sterilized so the child doesn't procreate? What if they're capable enough to live outside of the home, like in a group home or some other setting?

If you listen live, you can join everyone in the chatroom where there is usually a lively discussion going on that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. You can create an account at Talkshoe and download the Talkshoe Pro software or just listen as a guest. I recommend downloading the Talkshoe Pro software because even though it still has problems, it seems like the problems are more minimal with it. Hope to see you there!

I want a Cadillac Escalade

Monday, December 29th, 2008

escalade4

I'll be honest. I'm not a car person. I can change a tire, a battery, the oil, and I know enough to diagnose the basic problems that might go wrong, but beyond that, I'm pretty clueless. I like to drive, and I want to be able to drive quickly and safely, and that's about all.

But now I think I want to become a car snob. For my recent trip to Charlotte for Christmas, I rented a Lincoln Navigator through Hertz. It was a car I was familiar with and enjoyed quite a bit. Hertz didn't have one, though, so they gave me a Cadillac Escalade instead.

It barely had 2,000 miles on it and was pretty much brand new. It even still had that new car smell to it. And I think I'm in love.

Leather heated seats. A heated steering wheel. Individual climate control. A touch-screen Sirius/XM Radio and navigation system. A rear-view camera. 6-disc CD/DVD player. A 6.2L 8-cylinder engine. And a presence on the road that convinced all dawdlers and slow drivers to get over into the other lane.

Driving the 1500 mile round trip to Charlotte has convinced me that I want – no, that I NEED – one of these cars. I could go buy one, but they are a bit expensive. If I got a good interest rate and negotiated a good deal, the monthly payment wouldn't be too burdensome, but I don't think Amy's totally on board with that.

So I think I should just ask Cadillac to give me one. What do you think? Here's the letter I've prepared:

"Dear Cadillac Public Relations people (aka very important people),

This has been a tough year for SUVs, hasn't it? With high gas prices and a crumbling economy, people seem to be favoring smaller, more fuel efficient cars over the large luxury vehicles that are usually top sellers. I can imagine that your goal for 2009 is to rehabilitate the reputation of the luxury SUV, and I have an idea that just might help.

Give me a 2009 Cadillac Escalade. After having recently rented an Escalade for a family vacation, I fell in love with the style, the luxury, and the handling, and I will be a massive proponent of the Cadillac Escalade.

Who am I, though? I am just a blogger who reaches thousands of people with my words. I am just a business owner who works with high-income professionals. I am just a regular person with a doctorate, in a household earning an upper middle-class income, defining your perfect demographic.

Is having an objective third-party regularly lavish affection on the Cadillac Escalade in front of an audience of thousands worth $65,000? I certainly think so.

If you agree, please contact me by phone (818-398-2079) or by email at adam (at) avitable (dot) com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly,

Adam Heath Avitable
Cadillac Escalade Fan"

Does anyone know any higher-ups at Cadillac with an open mind?

C is for cookie. Well, and cock.

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Thank you to my favoritest blogger of all time, Amanda, who is the only person this wonderful holiday season who showered me with delicious cookies. She's a very busy student and she still managed to find the time to bake some delicious goodies and package them up and mail them to dear old me. (I also completely neglected to thank Grant for the delicious gourmet popcorn that he sent.)

I love getting cookies during the holidays. And cakes and brownies and other sweets.

Are you getting the hint?

No?

How about this?

My address is:

Adam "Cookie Monster" Avitable
605 Birch Blvd
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701

Am I being too subtle?

I can say, without any hyperbole or exaggeration, that I will literally love you forever if you send me cookies.

Sweet!

I'll go wait by the mailbox right now.

Masturbation that lasts the whole month of July . . . guaranteed

Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

Here's the thing. I'm going to go to BlogHer 2009 this July.

There are several reasons for this. First and foremost, it's in Chicago, and I have several friends who live there that I want to see.

Secondly, I think it could be a good experience to do once, to see what happens at these conferences and see if there's anything that can be learned. Although, since I know that I know everything, I doubt it, I am open to the slight possibility that someone might teach me something.

Finally, I really want to speak there. Really. I think I have a good perspective to offer to the attendees. It's clear that I'm not in their typical demographic, and I think that an outsider's point of view could prove invaluable to those who are interested in expanding their audience to all available markets.

So, in order to be a speaker, I could just wait for them to beat down my door asking me to speak, but I don't think that will happen. The only chance I have of this happening is to get enough people to nominate me as a speaker.

You'll help, won't you? Pretty please?

All you have to do is send an email to Elisa at BlogHer at this address: elisa@blogher.com.

In the subject line, just say "BlogHer 09 Speaker Nomination"

And in the body, say something like:

"Dear Elisa,

My name is _____ and I would like to nominate Adam Heath Avitable from Avitable.com to be one of the speakers for the BlogHer 2009 conference. I understand that your speakers are almost always women, but I think he would have a unique and valuable perspective on being a personal blogger who's a man in a blogging world that is heavily populated by women bloggers. This perspective could prove fruitful to those bloggers who embrace male readers or want to open their blogs to new audiences.

Adam is charming, funny, and an excellent public speaker. Your conference wouldn't be complete without him!

Regards,

YOUR NAME"

The bonus? If I get chosen as a speaker, I'll totally do it wearing a dress. That'll be hot.

Thanks to everyone who emailed Elisa. She emailed me this reply:

BlogHer Conferences have two kinds of programming, sessions *we* program, and sessions that are programmed by the community.

BlogHer Programmed sessions:
Until now, and for 2009, programmed sessions feature 100% women speakers. This policy is not set in stone, rather we poll attendees after every event, big and small, and take their pulse on how important our community feels this policy is. So far, the vast majority of our community and attendees still find this policy highly important to them. (While women may indeed be the majority of bloggers and Internet users, as you have pointed out in the past, they are still a noticeable minority of speakers on the roster at most blogging or Internet or tech or marketing conferences.) All this to say: The policy may change, and the longer we stay around, the more likely we will get to a place where it is no longer so important to the community.

Community programmed sessions:
There will be two opportunities to participate, however, that are open for men to submit:

1. The Community Keynote
We launched a new keynote tradition this year by having Community Keynote which consisted of about 20 bloggers reading pieces across a variety of subject matter areas. We will have an open period for people to submit their own posts, or favorites from others, and then a committee narrows down the list to ~20 bloggers. We currently plan to open the submission process on April 15th or so.

2. Room of Your Own sessions
When we announce our skeleton schedule (coming soon) of 30 programmed sessions, it is inevitable that we cannot program all the many topics and interests from the hundreds of submissions we receive. So we set aside two additional break-out rooms for what we call Room of Your Own sessions, 12 additional sessions that will be programmed by the community itself. We put out an open call for people to reserve their time slots. Some years we have gotten so many people wanting to reserve that we set up a little community poll to choose. Some years we don't need to do that, and pretty much everyone who wants a slot gets one. We currently plan to open the call for Room of Your Own sessions as soon as we announce the skeleton programmed schedule, some time next week.

FYI: This year we did have a "BlogHims at BlogHer" Room of Your Own session, so if the interest is there, the session can be there.

Hope you will submit for the Community Keynote (there will be a Humor category) and/or sign up for a Room of Your Own session when we launch those.

Thanks for your interest in BlogHer '09, I'll look forward to meeting you in July.

Best regards,

BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON THAT JULY IS ALL MASTURBATION ALL THE TIME!

It's not this picture:

Butt shot

It's not this picture:

Avitable_pool_1

But, in the month of July on the 2009 Hot Male Blogger Calendar, there is a photo of me that you totally need to have hanging in your office, kitchen, laundry room, or wherever you keep a calendar.

The calendars have been printed and are shipping now. Make sure you get one before they're all out!


2009 Hot Blogger Calendar – The Men:
Buy Now


2009 Hot Blogger Calendar – The Women (including Miss Britt!):
Buy Now

Free Holiday Gift Giveaway

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

It's getting close to that time of year when gifts are exchanged, whether one celebrates Christmas or Chanukah or Festivus or something else. Those of you who are ahead of the game are done with your shopping, but most of you haven't even started yet.

Well, if one of the people on your shopping list is a fan of the cult television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", today might be your lucky day! I am giving away one copy of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Chosen Collection" to a lucky commenter.

This 40-Disc DVD special collector's edition contains the following:

  • All seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 144 episodes in total.
  • All original extras, including cast and crew commentaries, behind-the-scenes featurettes, outtakes, scripts, special interviews, and much more!
  • A signed letter to fans from Joss Whedon.
  • A bonus disc containing the following:
    • Back to the Hellmouth: A Conversation with Creators and Cast – a roundtable discussion with Joss Whedon, Charisma Carpenter, Nicholas Brendon, Emma Caulfield, Danny Strong, Marti Noxon, Doug Petrie, David Fury, Jane Espenson and Drew Goddard.
    • Buffy Cast and Crew: Favorite Episodes – find out which episodes remain dear to the hearts of the cast and crew.
    • Buffy: An Unlikely Role Model – an analysis of the impact of Buffy and the Tara and Willow relationship on a teen audience.
    • Breaking Barriers: It's Not a Chick Fight Thing – in-depth look at the stunts behind Buffy with never before seen fight footage.
    • Love Bites: Relationships in the Buffyverse – sex and Buffy and Buffy and sex!
    • Evil Fiends – an examination of the metaphors represented by some of the villains faced by the Scoobies.

How can you win this stupendous DVD collection?

There are two different ways you can enter.

1. Leave a comment here telling me your favorite Buffy moment, OR
2. Write a post on your blog that talks about the contest and links directly to this post (http://www.avitable.com/2008/11/25/free-holiday-gift-giveaway/), then email me at my first name at my last name dot com to let me know.

Each of these methods will give you one (1) entry into the contest, for a maximum of two (2) entries allowed. I will allow entries throughout the Thanksgiving weekend, until midnight EST on Sunday, November 30th. Then I will count all entries and pick a random winner and announce the winner on Monday or Tuesday.

Update: There is a third way to enter!

That's right – I'll let you enter a third time if you write my name on your naked chest with anything (chocolate syrup, marker, etc.) and email me a picture that shows my name, your chest, AND your face! I know, I know. I'm very generous.

Here's my favorite Buffy moment:

You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love … scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.

Good luck!


In other Avita-news:

Tonight, due to the Thanksgiving holiday, there will be NO episode of "Clearly, You're Retarded." We'll return next week with a bitingly sharp debate about something that means a lot to Britt and we'll count how many times she can insult my manliness, intelligence, and humanity.

The End of an Error

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

Since most members of my family are rabidly Republican, Thanksgiving this year should be very fun for those of us who voted for Obama. I'm thinking of ordering one of my own T-shirts just to wear to dinner.

If you also have Republican family members, don't you want to order one of these to wear for the next two months?

I'm a fucking hot blogger and don't you forget it

Sunday, October 26th, 2008

So, everybody remembers that little Hot Blogger Calendar contest, right?

Well, the photos have been taken, and I submitted another one after my first one was rejected. The calendars are being put together and they are now available for pre-order! The calendars will begin shipping in mid-November just in time for Christmas or Chanukah or Diwali or Kwanzaa.

They're only $12.00 each for 12 months of hot bloggery goodness. They'd make great calendars to hang in your office, to give to family members, and to masturbate to each evening.

I can't show you the photo of me that they used, but I'll show you one that we decided not to use:

Avitable_pool_1

You don't want to miss out, do you?


2009 Hot Blogger Calendar – The Men (including Avitable and NYCWD!):
Buy Now


2009 Hot Blogger Calendar – The Women (including Miss Britt!):
Buy Now